OT - Couples and buying stuff together

prawny

antlaff wrote:

TailWindHome wrote:

Greg66 wrote:

A (not by any means the only) solution:

Both parties put all their earnings into a single joint account. Everything comes out of that account. Simples.

Swings and roundabouts, and a self imposed restraint make it work.

This

+1 This but i have to ask for money!!!

+ All of this and I'm the only one working (a paid job, she reminds me that the house and kids is also work)

We also allow each other a small amount of pocket money, this is where the bike money comes from. Unfortunately it's only £30 a month, so I'm not doing much buying atm.

I'm buying a new bike this year though, I'm selling some stuff that I bought before we got together that is all mine to fund it.

CiB

rhext wrote:

Alternatively, just have some kids. Once you've done that neither of you will have any money and the whole problem goes away. And the 'should I get a Bang and Olufson or a Tesco special TV' question becomes completely academic because once it's liberally covered in sticky fingermarks it's difficult to tell what brand it is so you might as well just get a cheap one! It's not like you're going to have time to watch it anyway!

I don't want to get snotty but this is pants, on stilts. Kids can be taught to respect stuff [esp ours who idolise the bloody tv]; having kids doesn't mean not having anything half decent for 15 years. Ours might qualify as the biggest pair of oiks for miles around sometimes, but they know not to break / ruin things. It just needs a firm hand, and the boxing-glove-fixed-to-a-broom-handle as backup.

cee

we have an account each.

all the bills come out of my account and mrs c gives me what she can afford each month.

She is currently doing her phd, so earns much less than I do.........theres no fair or unfair about it. its just the way it is.

I always buy the tech stuff (bought a laptop for her use yesterday....), I bought the TV, the media centre, the bose was my christmas gift to her a couple of years ago...

When we bought the flat, we pooled our savings, and borrowed enough so as to give us about 20 grand to spend on fixing the place....put in a kitchen, gas central heating, re-plastered most of the walls, decorated every where ('cept the bathroom...thats next for gutting and re-fitting....). So we bought cooker, fridge freezer, waser/drier, dishwasher etc.....

I think she paid for the henry....

Since then, we have also put french doors in the kitchen where a bay window used to be and built a bit of decking out the back....pretty much paid half and half for that...

She doesn't drive.....so I pay for everything car related......she rides my old bike.

Basically I reckon that if you think about whats yours and whats hers, then theres trouble abound.

bigmat

1. You shouldn't be having a conversation, never mind an argument, about a vacuum cleaner. Just let her get whatever she wants. Save your arguments for stuff that you really care about (and you shouldn't care about a vac).

2. Re TV, I'm with GTV Lusso, just get whatever is on offer. I don't get all the excitement about TV's, they all look the ruddy same to me. Some are bigger than others I suppose, although the massive ones strike me as a bit plebby - a TV should never be the focal point of a room.

3. FWIW I tend to choose anything practical and my wife chooses anything aesthetic. Occasionally this will lead to a difference of opinion, at which point I will revert to point 1 above.

tailwindhome

CiB wrote:

rhext wrote:

Alternatively, just have some kids. Once you've done that neither of you will have any money and the whole problem goes away. And the 'should I get a Bang and Olufson or a Tesco special TV' question becomes completely academic because once it's liberally covered in sticky fingermarks it's difficult to tell what brand it is so you might as well just get a cheap one! It's not like you're going to have time to watch it anyway!

I don't want to get snotty but this is pants, on stilts. Kids can be taught to respect stuff

+1

It was remarkably easy to explain to our twin boys (18mths) how important it is to respect stuff.

and the boxing-glove-fixed-to-a-broom-handle as backup.

This coudl work

DonDaddyD

We like treating each other. Its just about setting priorities within the relationship and defining what are products that are yours so you buy and things you get jointly.

Example:

My parents needed a new TV, now my Dad always wanted a big massive TV so he forked over a couple grand on a Phillips LCD cinema quality TV. He researched and he bought. He didn't expect my Mum to.

But that was his thing that the family can use, its like his hobby like his hi-fi that we can all use. He wouldn't expect anyone to help pay but then he wants a specific high-end product.

Now if it was say the Oven or dishwasher my parents bought that jointly. But they could care less about it other than it does a real good job.

rhext

CiB wrote:

rhext wrote:

Alternatively, just have some kids. Once you've done that neither of you will have any money and the whole problem goes away. And the 'should I get a Bang and Olufson or a Tesco special TV' question becomes completely academic because once it's liberally covered in sticky fingermarks it's difficult to tell what brand it is so you might as well just get a cheap one! It's not like you're going to have time to watch it anyway!

I don't want to get snotty but this is pants, on stilts. Kids can be taught to respect stuff [esp ours who idolise the bloody tv]; having kids doesn't mean not having anything half decent for 15 years. Ours might qualify as the biggest pair of oiks for miles around sometimes, but they know not to break / ruin things. It just needs a firm hand, and the boxing-glove-fixed-to-a-broom-handle as backup.

Our problem isn't lack of respect, more too much enthusiasm not enough experience. And, to be fair, we have four (eldest 13 youngest 4) so it seems like we've been turning round and going 'how on earth did you manage to do that?' for most of our lives now!

rjsterry

Think I'm halfway between rhext and CiB on this one. Stuff gets splattered a lot, but it all wipes off, and a remote control can take a fair amount of dribble it seems Having said that, Little M insists on playing with the slot of the DVD/VCR and I've a nasty feeling that it's only a matter of time before a piece of a jigsaw goes missing and the DVD/VCR mysteriously stops working at exactly the same time.

surreyxc

okay, but flip the arrangement around. IT is pretty common if a guy earns more or even less he is generous but the women still expects to be looked after even if she earns more, thats a social attitude and built on history. Remember 'whats her is her, and whats yours is hers' resign yourself to it or move on.

baloo_the_bear

We have 2 joint accounts.

My wages go into the first one. The bills, direct debits etc. come out of this and any exess is put into savings or put aside for big purchases (tv, car, fridge etc.)

My wifes money goes into the other account. This account is for day to day costs (shopping, petrol, etc.), clothes and treats.

As for who picks the big purchases.....thats when the negotiating starts.

NGale

Not into the joint account thing thankfully. With my finances I wouldn't want to burden Jake with them so while he pays the household bills I put the food on the table each month, the arrangement works well

KeimanP

We have 1 joint account, each have a personal account and a house account.

The other half has inherited some property all of which needs some work doing to it. Some of this consists of properties that we let out combined with the income I get from the property that I let out goes into the house account and pays for the renovations for the rental properties. (currently in need of re-roofing, wiring, glazing and plastering some have been unlived in since the early 90's). As such we don't have a mortgage (can't have one due to the mess of probate) but are being crippled by council tax and house insurance... which makes work slow as we can't afford to get people in to do the work.

We put an equal amount into our joint account although I am the lesser earner (I will match what ever is put in, even if it is my full monthly wage). This is used to pay for bills and shopping and the rest goes towards renovations (We have been stepping over buckets upstairs for a number of years as the roof leaks!). Weekends and evenings are sacrificed for trying to improve where we live and carry out works on the empty shells (We have just spent the last three years clearing the waste from the gardens/outbuildings and properties and have disposed of 12 tons of scrap metal, a 39cubic yards worth of non organic skip rubbish and had countless runs to the household waste centre.

What ever is left in our accounts is ours to spend, we tend to take it in turns paying for things, the cost of a evening out isn't compared to the next, its more a case of 'it's nice to be taken somewhere and treated' rather than 'They spent £8.51 at KFC the other week so I'll spend £8.50' at Mc Donalds'.

If either of us want to go away for a weekend the person who wants to go comes up with the places and narrows the choice down for the other.

We both undertake the work to the properties at home, whilst I would like to be able to do more I am also completeing a second degree that will aid in my hope to become charted and bring more money to the table.

Cars we both own our own cars since before we got together and we will always have at least 1 car in each name but we are looking at doing a car shuffle as the other half's company car policy requires a 4 year or less car, so mine is being sold to help fund a new car as it is the car of higher value and I will get a better car but slightly older which will be more than sufficient for what I need and use it for.

We are sharing our life together whilst we do have our own reserves we share and plan together, if either of us needed anything a way would be found.

Robert

Clever Pun

DonDaddyD wrote:

Clever Pun wrote:

Is your missus going to be specific about what tv you get as a couple as long as it does the job excellently and it's not more expensive than the moon.. you can get into the hertz led vs plasma vs backlit etc etc

I may well be pandering to a stereotype though.

No completely the opposite. I sent her links to a few PCs I was going to buy hoping she'd pick the prettiest one and I got a message back saying "may as well be in Chinese".

This, you may think leads to an easy life but it doesn't. Try explaining why a new TV will require £300 each when perfectly good CRT TV still exists.

You really can't get money out of someone if they don't understand the benefits or acknowledge the value of the item.

ah you need to edit your language for your audience.....

PC explain that it'll doo all the stuff you guys need it to and you wont need to buy another one for years etc

TV, think of the aesthetics of the room... that or break your tv if you really want another, but research first.

rjsterry

MatHammond wrote:

2. Re TV, I'm with GTV Lusso, just get whatever is on offer. I don't get all the excitement about TV's, they all look the ruddy same to me. Some are bigger than others I suppose, although the massive ones strike me as a bit plebby - a TV should never be the focal point of a room.

Can I get an AMEN!

24" CRT about 9 years old. Only problem is, with my crapy eyesight, I have to ask Mrs RJS what any subtitles say.

greg66_tri_v2.0

rjsterry wrote:

MatHammond wrote:

2. Re TV, I'm with GTV Lusso, just get whatever is on offer. I don't get all the excitement about TV's, they all look the ruddy same to me. Some are bigger than others I suppose, although the massive ones strike me as a bit plebby - a TV should never be the focal point of a room.

Can I get an AMEN!

24" CRT about 9 years old. Only problem is, with my crapy eyesight, I have to ask Mrs RJS what any subtitles say.

Perhaps you need glasses, rather than a new TV...

rjsterry

Nah. Optically, my eyes are pretty good. It's the nystagmus (wobbly eyes) that screws my distance vision. Mrs RJS does also have freakishly good eyesight.

itboffin

All this can be solved very simply, you just pay for everything, simples!

Might explain why i'm allowed to pretty much do whatever I want.

the_hundredth_idiot

CiB wrote:

rhext wrote:

Alternatively, just have some kids. Once you've done that neither of you will have any money and the whole problem goes away. And the 'should I get a Bang and Olufson or a Tesco special TV' question becomes completely academic because once it's liberally covered in sticky fingermarks it's difficult to tell what brand it is so you might as well just get a cheap one! It's not like you're going to have time to watch it anyway!

I don't want to get snotty but this is pants, on stilts. Kids can be taught to respect stuff [esp ours who idolise the bloody tv]; having kids doesn't mean not having anything half decent for 15 years. Ours might qualify as the biggest pair of oiks for miles around sometimes, but they know not to break / ruin things. It just needs a firm hand, and the boxing-glove-fixed-to-a-broom-handle as backup.

Can be taught? Perhaps, but it takes a while. Something I mused on as I drove to Richer Sounds a few months ago (with eldest son next to me) to buy a new TV as a flying hard back book had left a hole in the old TV screen.

rhext's experience sounds more like mine.

But, back to topic, if either one of the couple is too precious about who puts in more money etc, things will get very interesting when one half gives up work (or goes part time or whatever) once kids come along. I can just imagine telling my wife she can't buy anything because she doesn't earn anything. I wouldn't even dare to duck in case the next flying household objct went over my head and hit the new TV.

snooks

My fiancée pays for the house, I pay for the yacht

We both buy whisky

Works for us 8)

will3

I think the last thing "I " bought that she uses exclusively was the engagement ring
Everything else is now more or less bought by "us".


We don't go through the phone bill wrking out which calls were who's either.

NGale

Thankfully because we don;t have the joint accounts I know that when he buys bike or boat bits it's his own money he's spending. As long as the monthly bills are paid I don't mind and to be honest Jake is a bit tight with money so it isn't like he's going mad every month as soon as he gets paid.

As for the TVs, paid nothing for those. Have two TVs in the house worth at least £800 each both of which I won

ex-pat scot

It's very simple.
Everything is "ours". That's what we signed up to.
Same when we were married and working; same now with children and one income.

We agree what we buy together.
I would consult if wanting to buy anything significant at all - not just from a cost perspective but also from a "what do you want" / "where will it go" / "will it fit in with the decor" type discussions.

The only "treats" I allow myself are essential spends on maintaining the bikes, and those only because they are really commute costs and not frivolous spends. Money is tight; damn tight. Children (4), a large mortgage and one decent income is not an easy balance.

In my experience, when you start arguing about "mine" rather than "ours", it can be the start of a very slippery slope...

greg66_tri_v2.0

ex-pat scot wrote:

It's very simple.
Everything is "ours". That's what we signed up to.
Same when we were married and working; same now with children and one income.

We agree what we buy together.
I would consult if wanting to buy anything significant at all - not just from a cost perspective but also from a "what do you want" / "where will it go" / "will it fit in with the decor" type discussions.

The only "treats" I allow myself are essential spends on maintaining the bikes, and those only because they are really commute costs and not frivolous spends. Money is tight; damn tight. Children (4), a large mortgage and one decent income is not an easy balance.

In my experience, when you start arguing about "mine" rather than "ours", it can be the start of a very slippery slope...

There you are DDD: Gospel from the height of financial "care" (aka tightness). An ex-pat Scot, now training to be a Yorkshireman, says share.

alfablue

ex-pat scot wrote:

It's very simple.
Everything is "ours". That's what we signed up to.
Same when we were married and working; same now with children and one income.

We agree what we buy together.
I would consult if wanting to buy anything significant at all - not just from a cost perspective but also from a "what do you want" / "where will it go" / "will it fit in with the decor" type discussions.

The only "treats" I allow myself are essential spends on maintaining the bikes, and those only because they are really commute costs and not frivolous spends. Money is tight; damn tight. Children (4), a large mortgage and one decent income is not an easy balance.

In my experience, when you start arguing about "mine" rather than "ours", it can be the start of a very slippery slope...

Everything was "ours" till the divorce, then it turned out half of everything was "hers". The half she got was the house, the kids, and all of "our" possessions. My "half" was the mortgage, consumer debt (cunningly increased in the final few months), the child care costs and a black plastic bag with a few items.

Joint accounts? Great till wife cancels it so the ATM eats your card, whilst she has been syphoning off funds for months.

No, I'm not bitter, at all . . .

after all, it was 16 years ago . . .
:twisted:

rhext

The Hundredth Idiot wrote:

CiB wrote:

rhext wrote:

Alternatively, just have some kids. Once you've done that neither of you will have any money and the whole problem goes away. And the 'should I get a Bang and Olufson or a Tesco special TV' question becomes completely academic because once it's liberally covered in sticky fingermarks it's difficult to tell what brand it is so you might as well just get a cheap one! It's not like you're going to have time to watch it anyway!

I don't want to get snotty but this is pants, on stilts. Kids can be taught to respect stuff [esp ours who idolise the bloody tv]; having kids doesn't mean not having anything half decent for 15 years. Ours might qualify as the biggest pair of oiks for miles around sometimes, but they know not to break / ruin things. It just needs a firm hand, and the boxing-glove-fixed-to-a-broom-handle as backup.

Can be taught? Perhaps, but it takes a while. Something I mused on as I drove to Richer Sounds a few months ago (with eldest son next to me) to buy a new TV as a flying hard back book had left a hole in the old TV screen.

rhext's experience sounds more like mine.

But, back to topic, if either one of the couple is too precious about who puts in more money etc, things will get very interesting when one half gives up work (or goes part time or whatever) once kids come along. I can just imagine telling my wife she can't buy anything because she doesn't earn anything. I wouldn't even dare to duck in case the next flying household objct went over my head and hit the new TV.

Phew, I thought it was just me for a minute there.

But back on topic.....

I work in a salaried job: I earn the money and I put it into a joint account. My wife works running our extremely busy household, a position which regrettably doesn't come with a salary. Because she runs the household she does pretty much most of the spending. If there's something big to buy we generally have a chat about it first. The person with the most sway is generally the one who cares most about whatever it is we're buying - so I don't particularly give a stuff about what sort of washing machine we end up with any more than she gives a stuff about what sort of telly we watch.

But the key thing for me is that over the years you start to separate emotional attachment to flagship brands from practical considerations re what else you could do with the cash. Eg, my bike needs a new drivetrain: I've been planning it for weeks, exploring options, researching prices. It's been most enjoyable. I can simply replace what I have (about £150), or I can upgrade to the drivetrain of my dreams (about £500). But we won't even discuss this. When it comes to actually placing the orders I'll simply balance the difference to my day-to-day commuting experience that the upgrade will give against the fact that the change will go a long way towards funding a family break later in the year and replace what I have. She does the same sort of thing and that's how large purchases get made.

NGale

alfablue wrote:

ex-pat scot wrote:

It's very simple.
Everything is "ours". That's what we signed up to.
Same when we were married and working; same now with children and one income.

We agree what we buy together.
I would consult if wanting to buy anything significant at all - not just from a cost perspective but also from a "what do you want" / "where will it go" / "will it fit in with the decor" type discussions.

The only "treats" I allow myself are essential spends on maintaining the bikes, and those only because they are really commute costs and not frivolous spends. Money is tight; damn tight. Children (4), a large mortgage and one decent income is not an easy balance.

In my experience, when you start arguing about "mine" rather than "ours", it can be the start of a very slippery slope...

Everything was "ours" till the divorce, then it turned out half of everything was "hers". The half she got was the house, the kids, and all of "our" possessions. My "half" was the mortgage, consumer debt (cunningly increased in the final few months), the child care costs and a black plastic bag with a few items.

Joint accounts? Great till wife cancels it so the ATM eats your card, whilst she has been syphoning off funds for months.

No, I'm not bitter, at all . . .

after all, it was 16 years ago . . .
:twisted:

I live with someone who knows that feeling well, she took him for nearly £200k when the sale of the house, cost of solicitors etc was taken into account, she's still trying to get to his pension even now and that's two years after she decided to go off and have an affair with another man.

In my last relationship money was also the problem, he refused to have a joint account but had somehow managed to persuade the personnel department at my old job to change my bank details to have my wages paid into his personal account. At the time I was going through a bad phase of depression so didn't really notice that I was only getting £100 in my hand per month in order to pay for car insurance and fuel. He was taking just over £800 a month for me of which no more than £500 would have been paying for bills, essentially the rest he was taking for himself to buy luxaries while I had my mother buying me clothes and underwear!

So I won't have a joint account either, thankfully now my wages are paid into my own account and after food and my own personal bills are paid my money is my own!

Money really brings the nasty side in some people sometimes

alfablue

NGale wrote:

Money really brings the nasty side in some people sometimes

too right, though for ex-wife, money nastiness was just the icing on the cake :twisted:

vorsprung

DonDaddyD wrote:

What if:

You need a vacuum cleaner and a new TV

One person wants a Dyson and LG TV

The other person wants a Henry and Samsung LED TV

Who wins?

Who CARES

Life is too short to fall out over crap like this

When Mrs V. said "I've bought a Peugeot" I might have blinked twice
When I said to Mrs V. "Can I afford a £2K bike" I believe she blinked twice and said yes

DonDaddyD

DDD on Children

I don't know if it is a cultural thing or not but kids, including me, in my family have never been difficult when teaching them not to touch, break or treat things that weren't their's with respect. Kids are (relatively) easy to programme (I would give examples but people cry 'child abuse' far too easily and freely these days) if you can adjust your parenting style to better engage with the child and get the best response from them.

They respect you, they respect your things and you respect them. My Dad didn't smack me, he couldn't he is too big, something like that would have turned me into a bullying maniac. But he commands respect always and absolutely.

Yes mistakes happen - and stuff gets broken from time to time - you just reprogramme them (kids) to better understand that that was wrong. If they do it again get creative with the discipline.

I am the oldest, I have one brother and more than 15 cousins in a close family.

DDD on when to share the financial burden

I don't subscribe to a few things:

I don't subscribe to the notion that when you have kids

all your money goes to them and the wife, you become a slave to your family who must never buy non-essential items ever again.

I don't subscribe to the notion that everything financial must be shared and every purchase a joint decision, even luxuries.

I'm not a fan of putting all your earnings into a single pot and each party dips in when needed.

I am a firm believer in financial freedom. For my relationship to work, I have to be me, my girlfriend remains who she is and we retain a measure of our independence and shape that around our current circumstances.

Being independent and self sufficient is attractive (I like strong minded people) to me and keeps me from feeling that this person relies to much to live a life. In short conciously and subconciously I don't take my girlfriend for granted by thinking she needs me and can't do without me. We love each other, but our love isn't based on one sided dependency. We are love each other, I am her rock she is my rock.

Where I am finding difficulty is sharing the responsibility of paying for certai items. This is for two reasons:

Some of the things I would replace my girlfriend doesn't see the value in replacing them.

She also doesn't see the value in the replacment item as well.

What annoys me is that I'll get to a point where she'll want a £700 pound oven and gas hob when £300 will do, I'll (happily) pay half (cooking is her hobby and I'll encourage this) but when I want half for the 48inch TV she'll be like "get the 42inch". (Greg, your advice this earlier was great thanks).

This isn't really a major problem, I just see it as a point in our relationship, which is just a part of the natural progression of relationships. In a years time i may read all of this and think, 'damn I was so young, green and wrong'.

CiB

Doesn't it boil down to income levels in the end? If buying a new TV or whatever for a grand is a major financial decision that has to be carefully considered, justified and fully costed, that's one thing. If it's a whim to go and buy it cos you fancy it, or a bike that just hapens to be what you were after and it's there in front of you, enjoy the moment and buy it, and enjoy walking into the house with a box full of TV that makes the kids' faces light up a bit.

Disagreements don't tend to happen if there's still plenty left where that came from. Be honest.