Been a bad Week

ademort

Flasheart wrote:

:idea: Maybe I should start a blog rather than burdening you lot with my ramblings

You are not burdening anybody. You are talking about a subject that has affected many of us on the forum and by the replies so far it has become very apparent that a seperation or divorce really is a very emotional and difficult time for anybody. As someone said its reckoned to be akin to a death in the family. The positive atitude and self belief are a key to your future IMHO. The kids are always going to be there for you and maybe if you can tell the older children just how you are feeling they make make that extra effort to visit or contact you and be a bit of company for you when you have those downers.It,s weekend for most and a good long blast on the bike may do you the world of good.
Ademort

Flasheart

Thanks ademort and Porgy
Tomorrow night my son is coming around after college to have dinner with me and watch a movie and the following night my daughter is coming around after school to do the same. They've been great.
Not seen or heard from stepson but as he was a contributing factor in marriage woes, so I can't say I'm surprised tbh.

First day back at work since I moved in. I even turned the wrong way to go home when I left work
I walked in to the flat and called out "I'm home" but there was no reply...thinking about it, maybe I should be grateful that nobody replied

BigJimmyB

Flasheart wrote:

I even turned the wrong way to go home when I left work

I did that too many times to count.

BTW - it's never a burden, Flash. I was lucky enough to move back in with my parents and I still had a good few single friends so it wasn't as hard as it must be for you, but I can relate to feelings of loneliness/wanting physical contact etc. Apart from missing my kids dreadfully, this came a close second....

As a thought - is there a cycling club anywhere nearby you could hook up with?

Would help with the motivation at least....

Flasheart

Cycling clubs, aye two. New Forest Cycling Club is closest but unfortunatly they specialise in Time Trial and that's not really me. Flat out 10mile+ sprints are not great for middle aged, overweight asthmatics if you get my drift. I would prefer a more social ride longer distance ride.
The other club is Sotania but they start and meet around 20 miles away from me in Romsey and I no longer have a car since the split.

Nights are bad. Nodody here for company and all the bad thoughts creep into my head. I'll just hug my spare pillow to sleep and pretend it's her

Porgy

The urge to keep going at London Bridge instead of turning left is almost irresistable on occasion, and a couple of times this month I've had to cycle through my old neighourhood where the wife still lives - our local co-op, our local pub, our local indian takeaway, etc. that was weird.

One of the annoying things is that if I was still with my wife where I'm working now would be just a short 20 minutes commute from home. Instead I've got 14 miles to cycle.

Still it's all good for the stats!

Flasheart wrote:

I'll just hug my spare pillow to sleep and pretend it's her

I still do this two years on

popette

awww guys

BigJimmyB

Fcuk Flash, you just made me well up.

Keep hanging on to the +ve thoughts if you can. When you think about it, there really are more reasons to be happy.

Pecker up, son.

Flasheart

After a few bad nights in a row I went to see my doctor again. I was right, he hadn't picked up on the fact that I was feeling suicidal when I saw him the other week. He wants to see me again in a fortnight. He was trying to make me feel positive but in the end it doesn't help much when I get back to my empty flat. I still lay there thinking of ways of ending it all. I try to keep busy but I struggle to hold my concentration on anything of late and my mind wanders off back to the bad stuff.
I spoke to our HR department and they gave me the number for a counselling service that the Authority use. I know I should call them but at the moment making any descision seems to be a struggle.
Descisions at work thankfully aren't an issue, I seem to be able to operate efficiently (yes public servants can do that) :P and get the job done.

I know I should get out on my bike after work as I love riding it, but for some reason I do find it daunting just setting foot outside the door of my flat.

I keep going over this thread and read the replies and read the PM's that some of you fantastic people have sent me and it does lift my spirits, so again I thank you.

markyboy2005

Hey Flasheart, you are obviously rising early...any chance you can go for a spin in the morning before work?

If anything it should lift the mood a bit during the day if you get the old endorphins running in the morning.

I'll be honest, I dont really have any real world advice to give you, some of the others on here are much more in tune with your feelings than I am, but I am genuinley concerned for you mate.

Like many have said, focus on the kids, look for that light at the end of the tunnel and try to find a mechanism for switching off the bad thoughts when they come. Or if you want to really feel better read the thread on the "Sh$t world we live in" by Freehub....., man that has got to help....

I really hope things start turning for you mate, they will in time, I am sure of that.

Markyboy

markyboy2005

Hey Flasheart----Just got this little nugget of wisdom on my GMAIL page

Robert H. Schuller - "Tough times never last, but tough people do."

Thought it was apt.....

LazyBoycp

Flasheart, I'd just like to echo what markyboy has said, especially about focusing on your kids when you're feeling down - it sounds like you have a great relationship with them!

Go out on your bike - the toughest bit is getting out the door, but then it's easy (I know, I've been struggling for motivation recently after breaking up with a long-term GF). You mention there are no clubs nearby that suit you - have you thought of setting up something informal like Bunneh is doing? You've had several offers of ride companions, so I'm sure you could get people to come along. Organising rides might even take your mind off things. Also, if you come oop North to see Bunneh, take your bike so you can go on a 30+ ride - I'll come, as long as the 'over 30' rule is relaxed for the day!

One last thing - give the counselling service a call, it's what they're there for. Do it now!

BigJimmyB

Flasheart wrote:

I was feeling suicidal when I saw him the other week.

I don't want to get all hard-arsed on you but that is NOT the way to go.

Life is a very precious gift and apart from that you'd miss out on seeing your great kids grow up - do you really want that?

No, I didn't think so.

Flasheart wrote:

I spoke to our HR department and they gave me the number for a counselling service that the Authority use. I know I should call them but at the moment making any descision seems to be a struggle.

JFDI, Flash. Now. No decision required, just call them and go and speak to someone. Cyber buddies are all well and good, but objective professionals (IME) work wonders.

My phone numbers a PM away if you want/need it.

I'm no expert but I can listen.....

Stay well.
BJB

Flasheart

markyboy2005 wrote:

Hey Flasheart----Just got this little nugget of wisdom on my GMAIL page

Robert H. Schuller - "Tough times never last, but tough people do."

Thought it was apt.....

Cheers Markyboy ...I made that into my desktop wallpaper at work

Bigjimmyb... yes mate, Matthew & Catherine are the only reason I haven't gone through with it. I wouldn't willingly hurt them for anything. I just worry that the urges will overtake me when I'm at a real low. I never realised how much you could actually love and miss someone apart from your partner before.

Guys, I read your posts at work today and I made the call to Rightcorecare and they are sorting out my counselling and my employer pays. It's only 4 sessions but it's better than sitting here on my own thinking about how to kill myself. As the Counsellor lives about 12 miles according to one of my riding routes, it looks like I will be riding my bike to them when I go...so that's a plus I suppose.
Sh*t I'm lonely

CyclingBantam

The councelling will help Flash. Keep your chin up.

Remember about this thread. Nobody posts on here because they have to they do it because they like the person you are on hee which, based on the honesty and openness on this thread is the real you.

Let us know how your rides go in the coming days. The sun is out and I am really looking forward to seeing you feeling better over the coming weeks/months. You will do it.

Ben.

BigJimmyB

Good for you Flash.

The offer stands on my phone no if you ever need it.

Don't succumb to the bad thoughts, despite your sign, that light is there!

All the best for now.
BJB

Flasheart

I've just got in after a walk along the coast this evening ...you guys are great TY

Richard_D

CTC bournemouth do a weekly route from Sainsbury's at Christchurch. I have never been. I live up near Ringwood and their standard route seemed to head up through Burley and I did not fancy cycling down to meet them just to come back past Ringwood and driving down seems even sillier.
As for Sportives and audaxes there are a whole load going on over the next few months through the forest. Bournemouth Arrows I beleive is the next and then there is another one aroung Purbeck.
Keep your chin up and keep cycling and walking we live in a beautiful part of the country

taz3611

Hi again, counselling really helped me deal with my depression. Just keep on keeping on and one day you'll find you're starting to smile again. Dig in there, the worst of it is over. You've just got to keep on and you'll get there. Well done to you fella

Anonymous

Tough it out Flash and time will make things better. You have a lot of support on here and if you ever need to talk, I can PM you my number as well, I know Jimmb has also made the offer. Tough people get through tough times, you will get throught this. Like taz3611 said, the worst bit is over, the only way is onward and up ward.

ademort

Make a plan for the weeend Flasheart. Get the shopping done then treat yourself to a nice long ride out somewhere. Maybe you could meet up with one of your kids on the way home and have a drink/meal together. Dont sit in the house all weekend for gods sake you will drive yourself nuts
Ademort

Flasheart

Got up.
2 loads of washing (light/dark)
Cleaned Bathroom
Vacuumed carpets, swept kitchen.
Finished unpacking boxes.

9:00am went out and did 30 miles in the forest.

Walked up town, bought some bed linen and dropped in to see my son Matthew at the pub he works in at the weekends.

Need a new plan now. I'm not used to having all this free time on the weekends. Yes I know I can ride more, but I'm building my stamina back up slowly rather than overdo it and suffer (physically)

My Counsellor phoned me last night and I have my first session Wednesday afternoon.

arthur_scrimshaw

I've been following this thread for some time now but never felt I had anything to add to the great support and kindness shown by the people on here. Firstly I really feel for you Flash, I went through a protracted break up years ago (involving 2 kids) and it took time to get back to any sense of 'normal'
Sounds like the bad times are when you're alone? I know it sounds trite but you need to focus your head on something else and meet some new people, so how about some evening classes? Even if you don't fancy the subject much?
Just a thought.

Good luck..

Flasheart

Thanks Arthur.
Yep it's the being alone that is really doing me in. it's great when my kids come by to see me but when they have to leave, I feel worse than I was feeling. I keep having images in my mind of my wife with someone else and that totally destroys me. Not that I know of anyone in her life.
I can't even go around to see her & the kids as when I leave it tears my heart out and I'm at a really low point again.
I miss having her to put my arms around. I think it's the total lack of physical affection (not sex) that I'm having withdrawls from. I just feel unloved and worthless with out it.

Evening classes. Not really an option until my finances improve, not that I would be able to concentrate anyway. I bought a couple of novels by a writer I enjoy. I can't even read a whole page before I lose interest, my mind wanders and I put it down.

Thanks for you kind words and thoughts

Flasheart

65 miles yesterday, just so to not be in the flat on my own. I bonked 2 miles from home :roll: I was out waaay longer than planned and ran out of gels ...doh!

celestecharlie

Fair play mate that's a good constructive use of your time.

I really feel for you having read my way through this thread. I know a little of what you're going through as I too have suffered with depression and am currently having counselling myself.

If you can keep finding productive things to do with your time and stay focussed on something other than what's going on in your head, then things seem more manageable, well that's true for me anyway. Although I had a ruddy 'mare this morning and needed a lot of strength (and some techniques I've learned) to avoid having a mini meltdown before work. Some days good, some days bad.

Company helps too. Part of my current problem is being away from the family and friends, that really worsens my world view.

Remember what a vital and wonderful person you are - your children certainly know this and feel it too. And look, a total stranger takes the time to hold you in his thoughts and wish good things for you too. The world is a pretty amazing place (even if I'm trying to convince myself with that one too!).

Now if West Brom can sort a result out and give my team a chance for next Sunday, the world will be a better place!

Flasheart

Quick update

Just had my first counselling session. It went okay.
Probably helped that
a. I cycled 7 miles there so I got a short ride in
b. It was a pretty woman and she actually listened to me (well seemed to)
c. It meant I was able to leave work early and nobody batted an eyelid

I've had a couple more PM's of late. Thanks for taking the time to offer support and kind words, I really do appreciate it.

Nothing much has changed apart from I've been out on my bike a lot more. I tend to stick to heavy traffic roads, as it keeps me on my toes and my thoughts don't tend to wander off to bad stuff.

BigJimmyB

Hi Flash,

Glad the first session went well.

Sounds like you're putting some miles in too!

Stay well, am still at the end of a phone if you feel the need.....
BJB

outofbreath2

Hello Mr Flashheart.

I'm new here so I really don't want to be barging in (I really should introduce myself on the relevant board) but I've been having a read and the replies to this thread really do restore one's faith in human nature.

I'm not able to comment on your plight since I'm not qualified in that direction, but I do feel for you - it can't be easy.

But I was just thinking, since you're doing the right thing by keeping busy and someone mentioned a few pages back about a group ride to take your mind of things, albeit temporarily.

I was thinking about The New Forest Rattler in late August. How about aiming for that and maybe a few from here could make that the group ride. It's not *that* long away (timewise) and it might give some more positive focus for the miles you're currently doing.

Myself and OH (sorry!) are thinking of it, so here's me making grand suggestions, but I'm old, fat and only just started this road lark and I believe there is a large hill involved, so I'm still deliberating it.

I'll butt out now - sorry if I've trodden on any toes.

Flasheart

Thanks outofbreath2
Why would you possibly think that you had stepped on anybody's toes? You're amongst friends here. Surely by the posts here on this thread you would have worked that out mate
The posts and PM's on this have not only helped me get through this painful and confusing time, but as you said, restored my faith in human nature"
I can't begin to tell you all how much the kind words have helped. Every time I'm at a low point I just re-read the posts and PM and think " people out there actually care and I AM worth fighting for"

I've considered the NF Rattler, I'll have to see if the funds stretch as I'm trying to get "back in the black" as I hate owing money..even if it is to a bank. It's not just the entry fee, it's the getting to the start point (no car) and the gels/bars etc on the day.

Old n fat.... ? I'm 44 and 13 1/3 stone (was i6 and a bit before cycling)
I used to say that you're only as old as the woman you feel ...alas as I have not got one anymore, hmmm does that make me an infant again?


I'm getting used to it ......but it's amazing what you can get used to :roll:

Flasheart

After an afternoon of sitting here in the flat drinking Fosters and watching Youtube ( yes I went and rode 35 miles this morning so this is allowed :P ),
I now have a themesong for me...one of my alltime favourite Oz rock tracks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jPIjVpmmWw

You pretty much have to crank it right upon your PC andI suppose be around my age and Australian to appreciate it, but I thought I'd share it with you all.