Been a bad Week

CyclingBantam

Chin up Flash. It seems like your spirits are slightly better in your last posts than your 1st one. I hope this is the case and the upward trend continues. Judging by the photo you will be able to recreate Paris Roubaix on your doorstep!!!

Things will get better.

Ben

Garz

Flash it will work out buddy keep strong pal!

Flasheart

Aye, I know things will get better with time. As anyone with Depression or any form of it, knows the feeling is there is "no light at the end of the tunnel" and if there is, it's only some b@stard with a torch bringing you some more bad news. :evil:

I have highs and lows at the moment. Last night was a low as I got into an arguement with her about money. It now appears that all the money I was counting on the pay my rent in advance and bond isn't there now and I may have to go into debt (which is something I loathe), and I only have this afternoon to sort it out.
It didn't help that she had been out with a girlfriend and had a couple of drinks and I had a couple of beers at home in front of the telly. Stuff was said and I don't think it helped matters at all. I hope it was just the alcohol in her talking.
I don't think my upped dosage of meds reacts well with booze either so I think I'll lay off that stuff for a while when I'm like this.
You can't help who you fall in love with, but I'm seeing a side of her I don't like at all

JohnBoyUK

Flash, hang in there old son, you're doing brilliantly.

I recently went through the same thing as you. Was with my GF for 5 years before we got married in Apr 2007 (would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary the day of your 1st post) and she told me it was over in May 2008, just about 13 months in total. Our daughter was born Jan 2006 so you'll appreciate she's extremely young.

It took me a long while to accept it but the final nail in the coffin for me was when I found her sleeping with someone else within a couple of months. In the house I was still paying for while I was kipping on my parents sofa...

Anyway, to be fair, I've been lucky. I had one screaming slanging match with her then I decided to brush it under the carpet, no point in holding grudges and we probably get on better now than when we were together. Most importantly for our daughter, who's just turned 4. I got my Decree Absolute last month, I've got an open access arrangement to see my daughter and I'm 3 weeks away from buying my very own man pad which is exciting but daunting. Having said that, I have slept on a sofa for 23 months so my back is killing me now.

But anyway, I turned to cycling to take up my spare evenings and saturdays when I didnt get my daughter. It's important to keep busy but stay focused. Be strong for your kids. It's ok to have a cry, god I've cried buckets over the last 2 years and still do when I have a quiet moment and realise my daughter is not tugging at my jeans. I've suffered from clinical depression in the past and had a breakdown just before my wedding (with adjusting to life with a baby, a new job and buying a new house all in the space of 6 months and my body just couldnt cope) so I know the thoughts you are having but I can promise you it DOES get better. You'll have your ups and downs but its important to stay positive. Maybe look as setting yourself some goals, like some long distance rides...you probably do them already so perhaps something else...

One thing I would say, if she is pushing you for a divorce, dont do anything until you are ready and happy too and when you are, seek proper advice.

Let me know when you've got the group ride planned and I'll jump on the train from London to join you all.

If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me and I'll send you my mobile number :-)

BW
JohnBoy

Bunneh

You're doing great mate, really proud of you! I spent the vast majority of the last 5 years alone and whilst it's lonely at first you do find way around it. You have your work, and sounds to me you'll develop quite a few new friends down your way after this. Even though this is hurting there is a silver lining (to use a tired cliche) and something awesome will come out of this!

You supported me, I will support you. It's what friends do! You have my number, feel free to ring me whenever, time doesn't matter even in the early hours I will chat with you. Let me know your flat's phone number and I shall torment you over this weekend, weeeee!

Love you man!

Your Lancashire bud!

guinea

Please. Seek legal advice.

You've said it yourself, you're not in the best mental health therefore you should not be making these desicions without proper guidance. You need a professional to assess your unique situation.

Trust me.

Guys can get be screwed over access and visitation rights in the future. Especially once you've given up claim to the house. There are legal issues around custody, benefits, CSA, seperation payments. You might think things are going fine now, but wait until the new guy doesn't want you on the scene anymore.

Things have the potential to get a lot worse so go and have a chat with someone.

I know 'a guy' who went through similar, after 3 years of fighting he 'gave up'. Don't let it happen to you.

Flasheart

Thanks Guinea
The "Kids" are 21, 17 & almost 14 and they can all get to me under their own steam when they want to see me so access isn't an issue mate. My flat is over a sweet shop...I think I'll have to shoo them away so I can get some stuff done :roll:
But yes I take on board what you are saying.

fungus_the_muffin_man

Flasheart wrote:

Thanks Guinea
The "Kids" are 21, 17 & almost 14 and they can all get to me under their own steam when they want to see me so access isn't an issue mate. My flat is over a sweet shop...I think I'll have to shoo them away so I can get some stuff done :roll:
But yes I take on board what you are saying.

On a positive note at least it means you don't have as many issues to sort out. As someone else has said take your time, don't be rushed into doing anything at the moment you need to think things through properly. Also if you can both be reasonable and talk stuff through get everything sorted properly regarding finance and the youngest child you don't have to go down the route of expensive lawyers. We sorted it out and I did the divorce myself for £300. Saving possible thousands.

As you've already realised only talk to each other when your both sober its amazing how spiteful someone will be once they've had a drink. Like you since we split up I also started to see a side of my ex I had never seen before. It comes as quite a shock to realise the person you have loved all those years is suddenly so completly different, alien and so uncompassionate about you and your feelings.

Stay strong fella as youlve realised there's many on here who have been through similar circumstances. We can support you as much as you need or want us to.

Ian

Stone Glider

My ex took the lawyer route and was filled with all sorts of nonsense, particularly over how much the advice was going to cost her! In the end I had to "set a dog on a dog" as her solicitor refused every overture to negotiate. It was like two bald men argueing over a comb. I ended up with nothing, she ended up with a little less. Legal aid fees are paid out of the settlement.

As you will have realised, the dice are weighted in favour of the female, fair enough in many respects, so do not expect to get to the end of this with any money or property. The good news is that you are young enough to re-build, she may not be.

Keep the faith and stay off the booze, have a drink when there is something to celebrate

nicensleazy

Look after yourself mate...things will get better!

Anonymous

Keep going mate, time will make anything seem a little better. I know periods in my life when its been well ropey and looking back now with a better resolve due to time. hang in there and you will be ok again.

Best Regards

Dave.

Flasheart

Well I've moved in to the flat. As you can see my ADSL is up and running. People slag BT off by I have to say their service was excellent.

I'm taking one day at a time. Nights are worse I have to say. Lonely already. At least I have internet access again

BigJimmyB

Good on ya Flash. One day at a time mate....

Think of the positive things, like the 3 wonderful kids you have and the great relationship you can continue to maintain by being just around the corner.

Cliche it is, but time is a healer and your emotional scars will heal. Don't get bitter, get better and believe it or not when the time is right you can move onto a new relationship with a new lasy, but on your own terms.

All this from experience on my part, so I know it can happen.

Stay well
BJB

Flasheart

I spent the afternoon with my 17 yr old son. He came by the flat, so after watching the end of a movie on TV, we went to the pub (he had Coke) then we took a stroll up the High St.
So yeah, I am trying to be a good Dad, even if I can't live in the same house.

fungus_the_muffin_man

Flasheart wrote:

I spent the afternoon with my 17 yr old son. He came by the flat, so after watching the end of a movie on TV, we went to the pub (he had Coke) then we took a stroll up the High St.
So yeah, I am trying to be a good Dad, even if I can't live in the same house.

FH I'm sure you don't have to "try" to be a good dad. I'm sure you already sre. Your kids will know this and are of an age where they'll know that they can call on you whenever they need to.


If you do come up north to meet your mate I'm in lancashire as well if you want to get a ride out sorted up here.

Porgy

I got told to move out 2 years ago after 8 years of marriage and it was pretty bad for a long time - but being in debt and homeless for about 8 months didn;t help.

Losing touch with all my friends was a bad move - but starting to make new ones now.

Since then - getting back on my feet financially - and building a new life. Suddenly, after about 18 months of depression I've started looking forward to things again.

Flasheart

Sounds like you had a rough trot too Porgy

bristolpete

Heres a funny one.

I went through a depression based divorce 5 odd years back. Never really got over it and get very down about it. Tried to take my own life twice back in 2005 when I realised what had happened.

The other day, I was in my LBS buying some energy when a guy wheeled in a commute bike and asks to book in a service. When asked for the address he cited my old house/address/post-code which was awarded to my ex wife. He was the guy who has since moved into the property (i.e now living with my ex wife) that I saved up for when I was 22 years old and lost with the swish of a judges hammer. I just stood there, composed myself and made sure he saw my massive quads. I walked out, thought about thinking about/dwelling on it, but decided not to and just laughed it away. I wish them all the luck in the world. Me I am happy as I have my Cervelo S3..!

Very odd/awkward, but glad I got through it. Aint life weird. You gotta go there to come back.

Flasheart

That must have been tough keeping your composure like that. I don't know if I would have handled that in quite so dignified a manner.

BigJimmyB

Pete - that IS a weird one.

It took me a long time to get over the ex telling me it was over. My biggest worry was the kids.

They were 3 and 1 YO, and I used to cry myself silly at not seeing them at times like breakfast and bedtime - funny the things you miss.

They are now 16 & 14 and we have a great relationship - I see them 3 times a week - I'd love them to live with us, but alas not really practical.

I've now remarried andhave 3 MO twins, and am chuffed to bits that everyone gets on. The ex has also had another kiddie and is expecting. She is not my fave person, mainly cos she estranged me from my girls, but I've had to look beyond that and put things in perspective.

Things DO get better.

Flash, if you're ever in South Essex, there's a riding buddy here....

BJB

Flasheart

Awww

Porgy

Flasheart wrote:

Sounds like you had a rough trot too Porgy

it's when you find out who your true friends are - an old college friend stepped in and let me sleep on his floor even though it was really inconveniant for him and another friend found me a cheap room to let.

Have stayed on good terms with wife, thought for a while we could patch things up but two years later no closer even though neither of us in a new relationaship. I still hold out hope for that. Was talking to step daughter on phone last week for first time since before xmas and she wants to see me soon.

Other than that - you just have to find something else to live for - and luckily I've got cycling and a job I enjoy.

Flasheart

My cycling buddy has been great. He helped me move last weekend. Lots of heavy and bulky stuff. Only known him since last Summer but he's a really top bloke.
Unfortunatly as I didn't grow up in the UK I don't have the school/college friends here that i could have possibly retained.
My wife has been helpful and she says she wants me to get on and be happy.
I've just spent an hour on MSN Messenger with my 13 yr old daughter, so that was nice,
I need a webcam

taz3611

Depression is so misunderstood and the people who have never experienced it can't really be expected to know how you're feeling. I have suffered from clinical depression since I can remember and at times, I've felt that I just wanted for my life to end. I resisted the temptations to end it all and I am glad I have. I was lucky enough to undergo some counselling and this has allowed me to understand ME so much better than before. Anti-depressants can help but in order to live with your condition you need to know how to manage YOU. Keep on keeping on, it will all get easier. You have my deepest sympathies with regard to your situation. PM me for a 'chat' if you want to. Hang in there fella

ademort

Keep your chin up Flasheart, i,ve been down that road also. Got divorced in 2004 after 8 years of marraige. Have two kids they were aged 6 and 4 at the time. Found it hard going at first, The first 4 months of my divorce i spent in Milan, Italy on a job so only had contact with the kids via telephone. On returning home i had an empty house to come back to.All my mates go to the pub on a regular basis (which is just what i didnt want to do) The kids came to stay with me for a week and when their Mother came to pick them up they ran into the back garden and hid behind the shed. It took me an hour to persuade them to go with their Mother and then i had to carry them to her car they were so upset. In short, many of us on this forum have been through what you are now going through and with the right attitude and positive approach you will get through this.When you do feel really down get out on the bike or even better think about joining a club as you now have the time. The kids will always be there for you.
Ademort

Flasheart

At the moment I just feel devastatingly lonely. I just want to put my arms around someone and have a good cry. Most of my friends are "online" friends and my mate Pete has gone to Center Parcs with his family for a long weekend, so I don't even have anyone to go to the pub with (not that I have the ££ for that)
I haven't left the flat much this week I've had off. One bike ride so far..couldn't get motivated to go out today
:!: Maybe when I'm back at work next week things will seem better.

Flasheart

:idea: Maybe I should start a blog rather than burdening you lot with my ramblings

Stewie Griffin

No burden Lord Slashfart :P Do you see what I did there? Eh? Flasheart calls Blackadder Slackbladder and, oh feck off then! Its Saturday tomorrow with sunny blue skies all round, if you dont ride tomorrow your bike will melt. Your bike is Carbon isnt it?

crumbschief

It is no burden,you need to get those feelings out either by typing,written or spoken,don't keep it in fella,if you fancy a blog go for it.

Porgy

Flasheart wrote:

:idea: Maybe I should start a blog rather than burdening you lot with my ramblings

My blog helped me get through - though a diary probably would do just as well - you can also eventually start looking back on it to remind yourself that things are finally getting better - which is where I am now.