Been a bad Week

Flasheart

Last Monday after a blazing row and some "revelations" were revealed, my wife of 16 years has decided that she doesn't love me anymore and that she wants me to move out.
I spent 3 days curled up in a ball on the couch in the conservitory (I suffer from clinical depression) wanting to close my eyes and never wake up.
I've been to the doctor a few times last week and he "upped" my dosage on my "happy pills" to which I doubled it again within safe limits.
I thought my doc would recognise the signs but I don't think he realised that I was feeling suicidal or he wouldn't have suggested I get some excercise and take a long walk along the sea wall. Yeah, they would have found me floating face-down in the Solent. He also suggested going for a ride on my bike. Hmm cross the road and take on an "artic" head-on.
So far I'm managing to keep a level head for my kids sake if nothing else
I finally went back to work yesterday (shaking like a leaf) and they were all fantastic and supportive.
My wife and kids were my only family as my parents are both deceased (14 yrs) and I only have one friend around these parts, my cycling buddy Pete who I met last summer.
Bunneh who posts on here has been an online (and on phone ) mate for years but he lives oop norf unfortunatly.

:!: Guys (and girls) look after your relationships. Bikes are NOT the be all and end all...seriously

bobtbuilder

Sorry to hear about this, Flash.

All I can say is that it will get better over time. (I know it's a cliche).

I split from my partner of 7 years a while back, and to start with it feels like you can't go on, but somehow you do. It's going to be tough while you still live there though.

Hang in there, bud.

jgsi

You just need to keep that 'perspective' and you will get thru this...
Having had this happen twice to me, I know it aint easy...
Possessions.. things etc are just that things.... not really important... and that does include shiny things like bikes
If you cant patch things up - there is a point when you know that is not possible but I hope there is still opportunity - then your children become the most important.

The 2nd time for me hit the hardest, as I felt totally betrayed for no fault whatsoever.
I had to write down all the 'good' things in a little notebook as 1 way of negotiating the complete upsidedowness feelings..

anyways it does come good in the end - you just have to trust others on that one at the moment!
take your time

Gazzaputt

Yep been there myself and it seems there will be no getting over it.

You do and life goes on and you'll meet other fantastic people believe me. Getting out is great advice. Get involved with a cycling club make new friends call up old ones.

Keep busy. But most of all keep your head up for the kids. Be amicable with your wife as well. Believe me do not get bitter with each other . Sit down as adults talk about what went wrong and accept what the other feels. Shake hands or even have a hug and agree to be friends.

simonaspinall

Chin up Flash, believe in yourself.

Set yourself some goals - whether cycling related or around your young'uns.

Seeing progress in yourself can help bring back confidence and get you through the bad times.

Try and get out on some long rides in the countryside - you'll be surprised how your mind wanders and how your thoughts can change for the better.

markyboy2005

Nothing to add to the good advice above.

Sorry to hear about your bad week, but stay strong not just for the kids, but for you.

Time heals and sometimes the worst situations create the best opportunities.

Good luck...

Frank the tank

Bad news "Flash" I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties.

If possible, try and keep civil with the mother of your children even if the relationship is irrecoverable. The children are the ones who are the innocents in this and I'm sure neither of you want them to be hurt. It is on them you must focus as this will give you the reason to carry on.

In the very short term, it may be a good idea to have some time off work and see if it's OK to visit your mate ooop north (It's always good to talk) You must be in a dark place at the moment, but millions have been there and come through it. But think of your youngsters the next time "dark thoughts" start creeping in 'cos they LOVE AND NEED THEIR DAD

fungus_the_muffin_man

Flash I went through a similar thing in 2004.

I thought everything was fine as you do. then I went hiking in the lakes one day with mates from work came back and BANG!! It kicked off big style, culminating like you, in my now ex wife telling me she didn't love me any more.
I found solace in going to work as it gave me something to think about other than the relationship. I regressed into myself didn't want to see the kids or anyone really I just went to work and that was it. As far as I was concerned my life was over. The women I loved no longer loved me.
I'd had mild depression issues for about 2-3 mths before it all happened. Like you I had all those things running through my head, what now looking back, were the worst thoughts I'd ever had. But then I made myself snap out of it. I had 2 young boys who would need both of their parents for them to cope with the break up of their parents marriage.
When ever I got down I would think of the kids. They were my saving grace as I coped with every thing.
Things don't get easy for quite a while you'll feel like you've lost control of everything as you recover from the rejection and lose of confidence.
As Gazza has said it's important that you stay amicable for the kids. It'll be hard cos it'll feel like your being pushed away and that everything is being stacked in her favour. I've had to bite my lip so many times and we've had quite a few barney's along the way but things are much better between us now.

6 years on now and my ex wife is re married. I'm engaged and looking to get re married. Everything is going well. If you had told me my life would be where it is now back then i'd have laughed in your face. In a strange way splitting up was the best thing to ever happen to us. As bad as everything is now you will move on with your life and you can be happy again even more so then whilst you were married.

Good luck with everything if it helps and you wanna chat feel free to pm me. Talking things over really does help.

deptfordmarmoset

I split with the love of my life about 6 or 7 years ago and while I still often feel that I don't want to go on - that something is irreparably broken - I think it was because of the pain it would cause my grown-up daughter that I didn't top myself. After the first wave of personal pain, I got to the stage where I realised that, while I don't really give a damn about my life any more, it's not all about me. Those bonds that you have to loved ones are not just yours, they're two-way. You are one of the roots your kids rely on to grow and you feed them things that their mother alone cannot supply.

So I think I cycle these days partly as a consolation for there being no escape, and churning the pedals seems, as simonaspinall says above, to churn my thoughts around as well. It kind of stops a crust forming at the top of my life.

Bunneh

Flash, sent you a PM.

crumbschief

Take care fella,i hope you can still come on the forum for a chat and a laugh when you feel like it and need some escape,it can help.

tonyw43

Take care of yourself Flash.

spen666

Gazzaputt wrote:

Yep been there myself and it seems there will be no getting over it.

You do and life goes on and you'll meet other fantastic people believe me. Getting out is great advice. Get involved with a cycling club make new friends call up old ones.

Keep busy. But most of all keep your head up for the kids. Be amicable with your wife as well. Believe me do not get bitter with each other . Sit down as adults talk about what went wrong and accept what the other feels. Shake hands or even have a hug and agree to be friends.

+1 As he says.

Aggieboy

Just having a last read before scooting off for a while and had to reply. I've been through it all and more. I echo sentiments above. I'm going away today for 10 days but would like to genuinely offer to come and see you for a chat/pint, if you feel the need. I live o/s West London, so not too far. I think talking to others and getting out and about is what will help pull you through. Seriously, PM me whenever you want, I know what it's like and would like to help, if only in a small way.

Bobbinogs

Flash, sent you a PM.

BigJimmyB

Nothing to add Flash, except to say things will get better.

Hang in there

BJB

northernneil

nothing more I can say except prehaps you have hit the nail on the head and we all need to take our family and relationships into account when we do things - its too easy to take things for granted.

all the very best for the future and things turn out to be in the long term, for the best

guinea

Hang in there.

Do not under any circumstances move out until you have spoken with a lawyer/legal expert. You might think you are doing the right thing for your family, but you could be screwing youself longer term.

Stewie Griffin

PMed you too.

MadammeMarie

So sorry to hear that, Flash.

I know it's all dark now, but you'll come out of this. Take time off and go up north to see your mate.

bristolpete

Flash,

Another clinical depressive here. Bi-polar etc.

Keep on keeping on and do the best you can at the moment. Keep on fighting it.

I have the week off in June. I can come down and go for a spin with you mate.

Everyone here supports you,

Pete.

iain_j

Sorry to hear that Flash.

I went through a bad patch last summer, it was hard to tell at the time but looking back I was somewhat depressed. I'm still on the waiting list to see a therapist, but hard as it is, you've got to keep doing stuff you enjoy. Keep yourself occupied. The worst thing you can do is to do sit and dwell on your thoughts.

Take care and all the best.

bobtbuilder

Guys - just thinking aloud here, but maybe if a few of us in the area could do a group ride with Flash? A bit like NapD's Legbreaker ride?

If this is OTT or inappropriate, I apologise. It really is meant with the best intentions.

I've always enjoyed reading Flash's posts and would be happy to do anything I could to help.

Flasheart

First of all I would like to thank you all for your moral support, PM's, good wishes and sound advice. It is much appreciated I can assure you.

I'm moving this weekend. I have rented a small fully furnished flat in town about 1/2 mile from home. It's close enough so that the kids can drop by whenever and I'm close by if needed.
I can keep my work hack outside under a cover and keep my road bike in the kitchen as it's big enough.
I've had the phone connected and ADSL sorted for early next week too.
I've taken next week off to move in and get sorted
I'm trying to stay positive and not dwell on the bad thoughts. Very busy at work atm so that's a bonus...no time to mope about.

Positive thought... no DIY = more summer riding
Negative Thought...miss cuddling up and falling asleep
with Mrs

I'm hanging in there

crumbschief

That is positive work indeed,and shows strength and direction,good for you fella.

bristolpete

bobtbuilder wrote:

Guys - just thinking aloud here, but maybe if a few of us in the area could do a group ride with Flash? A bit like NapD's Legbreaker ride?

If this is OTT or inappropriate, I apologise. It really is meant with the best intentions.

I've always enjoyed reading Flash's posts and would be happy to do anything I could to help.

I'm up for that...!

guilliano

Flash

I'm so sorry to hear about this. As a fellow depressive (bi-polar actually) I can empathise with all the feelings running round in your head. The amount of times I've gotten ready to go out on the bike and head butt a truck are uncountable, but the first pedal stroke has always put a smile on my face.

If there's anything I can do or you just want to talk PM me, happy to give my mobile number.

Stone Glider

Flash, not much to add to all the kind wishes expressed above, just to say that your kids need you even more now. Also, things do change in time.

Chris.

Flasheart

You guys and gals are great you know that?

The PM's I've received and posts here have really lifted my spirits more than you can imagine.
I've sorted out my Council Tax through work ( I work for local Council) and my single occupancy gives me a 25% discount, so that's a bonus.
The flat is in the most picturesque part of my town...commonly known to locals as "the cobbles".

Egad the building is from the 1600's.
I've taken tomorrow afternoon off to do some financial bits (rent/bond/standing orders etc.)

The thing I'm really dreading is the "coming home to an empty house" bit.
I was a "Latch-key kid" since I was about 7 and I hated it. I still turn the TV on for company , even if there's sod all on just for company.
OMG no more SKY TV ...just realised ...Nooooooooo
Budget will be tight I think but I have 2 pubs within actual crawling distance...100 ft either side of the flat...no taxi fare

stokepa31

+1 on all the above mate. Big hug to you and keep the faith,

Philip Whiteman

As time passes this horrible period will fade with time. It is unlikely that you forget it but a new philosophy to life will dawn along with happiness - sorry if this sounds cliched but things will slowly get better. After my first marriage collapsed, the doctor explained the process as being similar to bereavement.

Best wishes.