Head partially gone I suppose, lack of motivation for lots of things, cycling included

daniel_b

Afternoon Forumites,

I've been into Road cycling since about 2007 (When I moved to somewhere with decent roads) and I would say really got into it around ~2015 when I found Trainerroad, and began training in earnest.

I pretty much trained on it, week in and week out for several years, with the only breaks really being if I was ill (even then I would rise at reduced intensity most of the time) and or holidays. 

I had zero issue getting up at 05:00 to carry out a training session, shower and start work.

Additionally I was perfectly happy, even keen to get up at 04:50 to leave for work at 06:00 on a 20 mile commute, and then of course carry out the return journey in the evening, only once or twice a week, but during winter as well.

 

This may bear no relation at all, but January 2nd 2023 I had my one and only passing out episode in our bathroom (Face plant onto a tiled floor), they couldn't figure out what caused it, but it was relatively painful at the time, and I had some recurring neck pain that has since mostly been resolved due to an excellent and lovely physio.

 

As early as last year I was on pretty good form, keeping up with the fast guys in February 23 on my 40mm tyred gravel bike, and feeling pretty good - good Friday last year I rode 160km solo, all be it not that fast, but I was up to the job.

I also rode a couple of TT's in the spring as well which I enjoyed a lot.

 

Anyway, role onto maybe April/Springtime 23, and I guess it was my mental health that was suffering, which is not really something I have ever experienced before, maybe I have been lucky, and or maybe it's an age thing, 47 last year, 48 in a few months.

I’ve certainly had times in the past where I have felt what I call 'flat' for a week maybe, but I snap out of it, and I'm back to my normal self, and by that I mean generally very positive, and with a decent amount of energy.

 

Anyway, from this point on, my desire to cycle, and or train diminished, my brother came over to stay with us over summer, so being able to ride with him perked things up for a bit, including a 200k ride in the summer, but training wise I was still struggling to want to, and I could feel general fitness was down, as well as my weight spiralling upwards.

 

I have been as low as 63kg, but I'd say a decent weight for me is likely around the 67-70kg mark - I'm currently 78kg!

 

In November to try and kick myself back into action, I took part in a charity thing at work where I was sponsored to ride X number of km, and managed to do so, but it was all on the turbo, but I did manage to complete it, despite having a cold at one point.

 

December was a nothing month really, didn't do much of anything, and fell ill with a bad cold just before Christmas - this then ran through all the way into January, when at the end of the month imo I caught yet another cold, and that caused me to have a few days off work, struggled along with this, and it worsened in early March, so went to the docs, or rather a clinical nurse, and she prescribed me a 5 day course of anti-biotics.

Took this, and it improved, but still symptoms are lingering - have started taking hayfever tablets now as well, but not convinced it is hayfever tbf.

 

I've felt fairly emotional recently (And since May last year), probably more anxious that I would ever be, but I can't really put my finger on what is causing it.

When I saw the doc in Jan this year, he pretty much said if I didn't want to go for drugs (Which would not be my first choice by any stretch) to try and start exercising regularly but for short periods, and see if that improved things, he also gave me details of a place that offers CBT stuff, but I'm yet to look into that, his suggestion was that as far as he could help me.

Anyway, due to continually feeling tired, de-motivated, and also carrying this bl00dy cold or whatever it is, that attempt and regular exercise has failed to materialise.

 

I do wonder if my job may be playing a part as well - I've been in a new (IT Developer) role technically since October 22, but it's only really since Jan 24 it's properly kicking off as we try and reduce the involvement of our 3rd party, and I definitely have imposter syndrome big time - possibly to accentuate matters, my younger colleague, who I get on really well with, is studying for a degree on the subject, and seems to have a genuine natural aptitude for it. Admittedly he doesn't have a 10 year old child in his household, but I suppose in reality I constantly compare myself to him, and find myself wanting.

 

Trying to find some positive stuff, I have another docs appointment (Telephone call) to discuss possible options, I'd personally like to have a blood test done just to rule out if I am lacking in anything, or have anything wrong with me above the normal stuff.

I've also had my turbo trainer serviced, so that should be back to as good as new (it's 7 years old now) so I am looking forward to getting back on it, and just need to spend 5 minutes putting the floormat back down, opening it up and slotting the bike on.

Thinking of trying Rouvy which seems to have rave reviews.

I have also spent a bit of time on me, went to my home city of Norwich on my tod last week for 2 nights, and walked some 45km whilst I was there, just soaking up the atmosphere, revisiting childhood haunts etc which was rather pleasant.

I’m also going on a one night away ‘tour’ with my club (And my partner) down to Salisbury later this month, the pace will be crazy gentle, but there will be some decent people on it to socialise with in the evening and at lunch.

 

Excuse the long rambling aspect of this post, I guess I’m just curious to see if anyone has gone through anything similar at any age in their lives, and what methods they may have used to come out the other side, as this is unchartered territory for me.

Also meant to add, if anyone would rather DM me on here instead of posting on this thread, fine by me - the forum is not too good at alerting me to messages though, so a reply might take a bit of time.

TL;DR – I’ve been feeling a bit cr@p since May 23 for various reasons, struggling to change it, anyone gone through similar and able to share tactics employed to revert back?

veronese68

Has this funk been caused by your decision to spend less on cycling kit or are you spending less as a result of how you feel?

Sorry, couldn't resist. Seriously though, I've not had that, particularly as I've never had the motivation you had and only rarely get up early for a ride. My normal setting is probably how you feel now. I'd say try not to dwell on it and accept that you don't want to ride as much, do smaller rides if you feel like it and try to enjoy being out and enjoy the scenery if you can. Don't think about speed or distance, don't use a computer if that helps with that. If you force it I'd think you are more likely to sink deeper. Hope you feel better about things wether that involves riding more or not.

super_davo

There are a few things going on here. Your head is clearly telling you that cycling is good and worth doing but your heart needs to as well.

IMO you need to do something that makes you understand why you wanted to ride in the rain to work for so long, to ride on the turbo early / late etc.

If time trials don't do it, if a challenge at work doesn't do it, what will? What do you love doing? Riding with mates socially or tearing each others legs off? Riding somewhere new and exciting? Conquering something really hard?

I personally find I need to have at least one "big motivating target" a year. It means when I'm riding (in my mind at least) I'm always training for something rather than just riding aimlessly. It doesn't have to be massive, it's just got to be something I want to do and do justice to myself (last year was "Tour of the Peak", the year before Ride London, this year I am pushing the boat out and it's the Maratona). I'll still do the Club TTs and small things local because I enjoy them, but I don't find them motivating enough on their own.

rick_chasey

PM sent (well, multiple PMs by accident)

N0bodyOfTheGoat

Lingering effects from a cold won't help, especially one that sounds two months old, I've had something since March on top of my long covid that's affecting my legs and knees more than normal.

I managed to get out on my road bike for the first time since Oct on Saturday, super easy effort 28 miles, but my recent very weak legs combined with a further weight increase to 95Kg (used to be 75-80Kg) made climbing the only hill of ~270ft a shock! Took me 2hrs15mins and I'm still aching today.

Maybe you need to set yourself some cycling targets? Before long covid, I was usually trying to chase my best times up a few cat4 hills on shorter ~30-40 mile rides, or trying to do rolling 100Km rides in ~4 hours. Always looking for new hills to try locally to create new Strava segments, trying to find and ride bigger hills elsewhere like Denbigh's 6.9 mile 1200ft Road To Hell etc.

I don't think age is specifically the issue, I've not long turned 50, in 2022 I was often beating my segment times since 2017 for fun until September.

pblakeney

Probably stating the obvious, and clearly not expert advice, but if it was me I'd lay off cycling till a good weather day and then go for a pleasurable ride in the country that is definitely not training. Stop at viewpoints, stop at cafes, mostly do something you enjoy. If that's not cycling then so be it.

In my head space, indoor is training, outdoor is leisure.

daniel_b

Thanks for all the rapid replies, and the DMs :-)

Hugely appreciated - I was unsure whether to post this or not, but my choice is thoroughly vindicated.

That's a good shout re the spending less thing, I suppose I have been shopping less due to the reduced enthusiasm, but then I suspect I had already started winding back if we are being honest, probably more to do with having to re-mortgage in Jan 25 as well.

To rub salt in the wound, as many of you will know, I now have my (to me) ultimate customised road bike, with the exact components, wheels, groupset saddle etc fitted, which I have only ridden for maybe 1000km 😐️

Other things that have happened in the last 12 months that I suppose could have made a difference to how I feel is that I had my brother come and stay with us for maybe 4 months, something he has done regularly though in the past, and he house sits for us so we can go on holiday.

Last year and this are different again though, as no sooner has he gone then my parents sold up from Mauritius and flew over here to stay with us whilst they sorted out a small house in Spain - that is now bought, and they are heading off two weeks today, but having them here, much as I love to spend time with them, and for my daughter especially, has been a pretty big upheaval, and huge change to the household dynamic.

I also work from home a lot, sometimes 5 days a week, sometimes 4, and 1 in the office, but even then I rarely see people I really know well if that makes sense, though it is good for a change of scenery at the very least.

The office I used to commute to 20 miles away, have now made the incredible decision to remove the drying room they had, so that makes me not want to commute there anymore - I do have an office much closer (Not classed as my main site) that I can also go to, and tend to, and as the crow flies it is only some 5 miles perhaps.

I have a locker there now, so can leave toiletries, clothes, shoes etc, so am planning a detour 20 mile route in, and then if I am tired, could ride straight back (mainly downhill) in probably 15 minutes at a maximum.

I need to take a lock in, and take supplies in so I can make that happen - I'm driving in next week, I think I'll set myself a task to get all that in there, in place and then I can look to actually get on the bike to get there, even if I just go for the easy direct route in the first instance, currently I keep forgetting to do anything about it, and then either having to drive or get a lift.

As to what do I love doing, at present I am not really sure, which I suppose is the biggest confusion aspect for me.

I did love the all out blat fests with like minded riders, but also the social chatty rides as well - I know I am nowhere near any type of blat fest at the moment though, but equally I think I need to get out on A bike just to see how it feels and if it rekindles any genuine joy, and I suspect it will, but maybe stupidly I keep putting it off in case it does not, and the thought that I then don't know what to do.

I would agree with the target thing to a fair degree, in the past I've often had an event or a long ride i have been targeting and that has worked well, although in my current frame of mind I think that may just add more pressure, so I think I need to just try and enjoy cycling again in the first instance, and get out there.

Having said that, I could set myself some ridiculously small targets I suppose, and use those to try and get me re-started on the bike.

I'm very aware that due to my extra weight and loss of fitness hills are also going to feel like a vastly different experience to what they did previously.

There is a possibility I could join a velodrome 'training' session in two weeks, I'm fairly sure my daughter and partner will go to go in the beginners session, but as I have been enough times to be classed as having a vague idea of what to do, I should in theory go in the other session, but that coupled with my lack of fitness I think would just end up being a negative experience, and equally I think going through all the beginner drills will not be that fulfilling, so I may just go along to watch and support.

Sorry for another ramble - I'm definitely finding this helpful, and wonder now why I didn't post earlier........

Thanks all.

pblakeney

Just an opinion on the commuting thing. When I commuted to an office without shower facilities I would go straight there taking it as easy as possible so as not to sweat. I would hammer it going home and add on detours if time and the weather aligned.

daniel_b

https://forum.bikeradar.com/discussion/comment/21058909#Comment_21058909

I'm fortunate that my nearest office has covered bike parking, showers and a drying room.

Also take your point about indoor cycling being for training rather than enjoyment - not sure if something like Rouvy might make it more enjoyable though.

pblakeney

https://forum.bikeradar.com/discussion/comment/21058910#Comment_21058910

I use Fulgaz (which is similar to Rouvy) along with music playing. It won't make it enjoyable but it will make it less unpleasant. 😉 I mostly like doing recons of distant future rides, which are in turn goals and motivation.

daniel_b

Thanks for all the input and advice today - mahoosively appreciated.

I have sent a message to a 'mental health first aider' at my work place, someone I know, and trust, so will see what he comes back with - I'm really not sure what they offer or what it will lead to.

I've not shared any of these details with management yet, maybe I should, but will see what this chap comes back with.

I also have my chat with my GP on Thursday morning, so will see what comes of that, I'll discuss the CBT options with him, and try and be a bit more honest with him having thought a few things through and discussed a few more topics over dm etc.

I still feel fairly strung out, but I do feel a bit more positive than I did this morning, so thankyou for that.

pangolin

Work may well offer some free telephone counselling at a minimum, worth a punt as it can't hurt.

Like some of the others I find a goal helpful, something 2 to 3 months away. Close enough you can't ignore it but long enough to actually improve a bit.

Tried some triathlons last year for the first time with a couple of mates and that did wonders for giving me some impetus to train and were actually quite fun.

rick_chasey

CBT is good but you have to put the work in and it won’t solve the underlying - it helps in the moment.

Obviously the long run is made up of a series of short runs so there is that, but just so you know.

ugo.santalucia

I didn’t read the all thing, so apologies, but here is the opinion I built of you over the years:

You seem to be quite obsessive about this hobby and very much of a perfectionist, which is probably a trait of your personality… there is nothing right or wrong about that, you are who you are. One of the problems in being a perfectionist, is that it is difficult to keep motivation in the absence of perfection. In other words, any small deviation from the planned would throw you off.

I used to be a bit of a perfectionist, the kind of guy who would obsess over a scratch on the frame or an insignificant noise in the drivetrain. For some reason I no longer care and I no longer care much for being at my best all the time. I try to plan things to go well, but I also want to live in the moment, so I won’t go off beer or I won’t skip that fun activity in pursue of the perfect form for the biggest race in the calendar… but I will show up!

I got there by participating more and worrying less about the result.

So, my advice, if you want one, is to try to fight your instict and just go with the flow… you haven’t trained as much as you wanted to do the Ride London in under 4 hours? Who cares, do it anyway, maybe you will overachieve and go under 4 hours anyway, or maybe not, but you will live in the moment. Force yourself to do the fun things and don’t obsess over the roadmap to get there. You can’t train for a week? Doesn’t matter, you are not letting anybody down, not even yourself!

The details are just that, details… you would be surprised how little Pogacar cares about details…

daniel_b

I would agree with you Ugo that in the past definitely I was more of a perfectionist, like you would HATE scratches on a new frame, but I think for me, that changed when I became a parent in 2013, and has only gone one way now, which I treat as a positive.

I am happy now if a result is as good as I can manage with what has gone before, be it cycling, or anything really, decorating, cooking even, although I am hard on myself I'll accept that.

I have composed an e-mail to my boss who I know well, and have known for 11 years, and although we get on well as colleagues, I would not say we are best buds or anything, he's not someone who would choose to go out for a social drink for example, which is fine, everyone is different.

I've yet to pluck up the courage to send it though, I'm telling myself I am waiting for the call with the Doc tomorrow, but apart of me knows I just feel really bad for him, as my facade has been as such that I doubt anyone has noticed anything at work - especially with the lack of actually seeing anyone face to face.

I've had replies back from the MH first aider at work, and he is very supportive, and has suggested I might be able to get some CBT through work, which would be handy - and at no cost.

I've also fired off a message to a good friend who has serious MH issues about 4-5 years ago, was signed off for a fair while, went back 4 days a week initially on a phased return, and is now back full time.

I've asked him how he find the meds experience, and how long it took for him to be weened off them, and or cut them back - also curious how hit and miss it is with which ones they prescribe, and what side effects they may generate. I know nothing about it, but would presume the initial months must be very experimental and basically a finger in the air approach.

I'm also wondering if I should rule out the work aspect before looking at any meds.

I've never had anything like this previously, and it seems fairly likely that it's somehow caused by the working environment, so I'm thinking that going on meds when that is potentially still an issue, or yet to be investigated is maybe the wrong route to take - I'm not keen to take meds if they are simply not required, and if a change at work might turn things around naturally.

It's a hell of a lot to think about, and I'm very grateful for all the messages on here and via dm, it's given me a lot to think about, but I feel like I am taking some positive action which in itself is helpful.

Still have that funny little feeling in the pit of my stomach though, but I guess that is just a bit of general anxiety.

Webboo2

When you say you are thinking of going on medication, what would that be for. I haven’t read you describing symptoms of depression unless I’ve missed something. However when you describe your feelings I guess you could be describing some symptoms of free floating anxiety.

roscoe

Mate, the first to say is you’re not alone and there’s always someone to talk to here.

I’ll not go in to detail, but my mental health got so bad I was signed off work for 8 months.

What’s really helped me get back on the level and really look at life differently was counselling. I’m a Glasgow bloke in my mid fifties, we don’t share our feelings. The counsellor changed that. It’s been life changing for me. If you get the chance, speak to one. She helped me over 8 months and I can still speak to her anytime I need.

Keep the faith mate.

pangolin

I would try not to worry too much about your boss (easier said than done I know), as long as they're not a real dinosaur. It is more common than many people think at work for others to have MH issues because you almost certainly don't know everyone who does.

In my small team of 8, 2 of them have ongoing stuff. Most managers will deal with it as a very routine part of work.

daniel_b

@Webboo2 I'm pretty sure if it's not my body lacking in something specific, it is depression of some kind, though I am no expert. It's a feeling of going through the motions, no drive to achieve anything, difficulty in concentrating, feeling emotional for no apparent reason, and not enjoying things that you used to.

As someone I spoke to said which I thought captured it well, you lose your zest for life, and everything turns the same shade of grey.

The first thing my Doctor offered was medication, which I initially turned down, and I think I likely will again tomorrow, but with the caveat that I want/need to establish if it's the work thing that is the cause. If it is, and changing that somehow lifts me back to where I was, then I would rather avoid them if possible, although two people I have spoken to now are singing their praises as a temporary fix to help you get back to something like your original place.

Thanks @roscoe I'm also really terrible about talking about personal stuff at all, let alone like this, typing it out on a screen is far easier that actual face to face, so I commend you for going ahead with what you did, and brilliant news it has made a big difference to you and your mental health.

@pangolin thanks for that info, it's good to know, my manager is about the same age as me, bit younger actually, but I suspect he is as bad talking about these things as I am - we have a team of kind of 6 currently, excluding the manager, and 1 other woman is off (I believe) with stress currently, so I imagine he has had relevant HR training etc on how to deal with it, it still feels odd/weird for me having to talk about this stuff, having never been in that arena before. I'd be fairly confident I am pretty much known to most people in the department as 'the cheerful and positive one who likes to crack jokes' so I suspect this will raise a few eyebrows if I do end up raising it with work - I suspect I will have to, I'm just busy putting it off for the moment......

MidlandsGrimpeur2

Dan, I will DM you tomorrow with some more in depth thoughts on my own lengthy experience in this area.

But as a quick aside, on the medication front, I think you are taking the right approach. Use it as a last resort, there are plenty of other tools you can learn and utilise that should hopefully help you.

As you say, getting a handle on some of the issues that have led you to this point is most important. Talking therapies centred around that will help you start to make sense of it and then other things can be brought into play to further assist.

Medication has its place, but I certainly don't think you appear to be anywhere near that stage yet.

rick_chasey

Talking therapy helped for me more than cbt.

CBT is good for crisis moments when your thoughts really spiral. It’s sort of patronising, or at least, I felt it was. Does work though. Avoids the crisis/guilt&shame spiral.

Its hard work and it’s easy just to go through the motions and not get anywhere and just chat away an hour a week, but then part of the good feeling you get is because you did the hard work,

daniel_b

I made a mistake with my Docs appointment, it's actually next Thursday - doh.

The idea of talking to a total (All be it trained) stranger about this stuff fills me with apprehension I must be honest.

A friend of sorts (Daughters friends mum) is a counsellor, but I wonder if that would be more weird, as I would see her socially.

rick_chasey

Yeah YMMV with talking therapy.

Just because it works for people like me doesn’t meant it ought to work for you.

roscoe

https://forum.bikeradar.com/discussion/comment/21059285#Comment_21059285

This is exactly how i felt about it, I'm so bad at opening up to anyone.

I opted for counselling over the phone, that way I didn't have the person seeing me! She was lovely, within minutes I was just talking and talking about everything. I mean evertything.

It was actually really good for me and has helped me in the way I treat others and how I want to be treated by them. I'm a lot less judgemental about others and don't worry as much about what others think of me.

Defblade

My experience isn't directly relevant to yours, as my flatness was definitely caused by increasing the dose of my blood pressure medicine; when that was changed, I came back to myself fairly quickly.

But needing that increase was linked to a whole other load of stress, mainly at work, which was already affecting the rest of my life so I wasn't in a great place to start with... my wife reckons I ride more when I'm stressed as a release!

In fact, it was riding around my favourite loop without any enjoyment at all that told me something was properly wrong in my head.

For each of those things though, I did recognise (eventually...) that there was a problem, and that's when I could take steps to change things for the better. I changed meds, and changed job (although that hasn't been quite as successful at being less stressy as I'd like; it's still less bad than the old place).

The point I'm trying to make is, recognising things aren't right is vital, and being able to then make choices, changes, whatever to improve those things is very, very positive - they may not all take you forward, give instant results, wave any magic wands, but knowing you are in some control of your future and that you are using that to get back to where you want to be is going to mean it'll happen eventually.

Oh, and I'm entirely with you on recurrent infections messing up regular riding/training etc. I never had covid, but the last couple of years I seem to pick up one cough/cold/sinus thing after another and it really is draining, one step forward and two back. But I believe it's reasonable to feel down/grumpy/frustrated about that, rather than being a mental health issue!

With my pharmacist hat on (not a MH specialist, just your everyday community pharmacist) , I usually advise people that anti-depressant meds are not a cure in themselves. They do, however, allow someone who is too deep in whichever way to deal with their problems get enough stability in their head to tackle the root causes. And that can/will mean committing to using them over the mid to long term; too many people take them for 2 or 3 or 6 months and then say "oh, I feel better now" and stop taking them... only to crash again as they've not addressed the causes, only the symptoms. ADs are a very powerful and useful tool, but not that magic wand; you should consider them as exactly that - tools that should give you a chance to work on yourself. From what you've posted, I'd say while this all sounds like it's new to you, you've clearly still got the ability to recognise your issues, and then make choices and changes and so it's less likely you'd need anti-depressants to help with that. I think in the terms you've used above (apologies if it was another poster) your world has gone grey, but that's a place you can work from - in deeper depression you might well have said your world has gone black/dark and that you can't see a route forwards, and that is medication time (in my general opinion - remember, not a specialist).

Good luck, and keep us up-to-date... having somewhere like this forum - open and basically anonymous - is a great place to just let it all out :)

mr.b-campag

I've not read every comment on here, but I see others have mentioned counselling. Imo I think that would potentially be very good for you. As others have stated YMMV, but that's because you need to find someone you 'click' with as it's the relationship that really drives the healing. So shop around a bit, and ideally do it in person as, again, I think the relationship (and hence the results) will be better for you.

Fwiw I used cycling as a form of therapy for many years before going into the actual thing, and endurance sports are full of people self-medicating, so you're not alone.

I'm assuming you've had various medical checks and that you're not suffering (possibly sub-clinically) from long Covid or something similar which is likely to affect you both mentally and physically.

daniel_b

Thanks all, 'just' the act of sharing it with you all on here, and reading the wonderful replies and dms has made a difference in itself which is rather impressive, and I had not anticipated.

I've also adhoc spoken to an ex colleague, and a current colleague who I know have both had issues, and that's been rather cathartic as well, hopefully of some use to them as well, but I've definitely found it very useful simply to know I'm not alone in how I am feeling.

My current colleague who I know has had a very difficult past with anxiety now has something different, and it sounds very similar to what I have been feeling, ie lack of energy and motivation, sloth like behaviour, feeling down in general.

Hopefully we can help each other a bit over the next few months and maybe more.

He is starting a round of counselling later this week, and is an avid fan of counselling, though his he has carried out over the phone.

Good shout on the health angle @mr.b-campag , that had also occurred to me, and something I am going to discuss with the doc on my call tomorrow morning, part of me wonders if i might be lacking in something, or have too much of something, or some imbalance going on, so would like to rule that out if at app possible.

Not sure how resistant they are to carrying out a blood test, but I would hope for someone who doesn't have a history of this, it would be sensible, so shall see what he says.

On a more personal note, maybe as a result of unloading on here and to friends and colleagues, I have had a MUCH better week at work, although I appreciate only half way through, but am hoping that will continue through until the weekend at least.

rick_chasey

Always good to notice the good stuff. The bad shit presents itself much more readily.

daniel_b

Had a good call with the doc this morning, he's agreed easily to both a blood test and a urine test.

I just need to book in the blood test now, don't know how long the results etc take to come, a week or so I presume.

Today is still going pretty well, so fingers crossed the week will finish well too.

Packed up my Specialized Allez Elite I think it is, not the mega posh one, 105 throughout aside from the rim brake callipers ;-)

My parents are moving to Spain permanently on Tuesday, so the shippers (people with a lorry) are going to take this with their items to reside in their house waiting for me when I go over :-)

wallace_and_gromit

I can't offer any practical advice, but if it helps, I have my fingers crossed for a good outcome for you.

First.Aspect

This thread is a hard read in some ways.

OP, you have chronic depression in all likelihood, and the passing out thing was overtraining and hypoglycemia and hopefully not related. But by all means rule other things out.

I doubt CBT is what you need - that is about finding mechanistic coping mechanisms. However you do seem to be benefitting from the counselling that this forum offers. If talking, including talking therapy, works for you and helps you work through things, that's fantastic. Doesn't work for some people, but for the people it does help it is by far the most effective and easy thing.

SSRIs are not a magic bullet. Some people respond to knowing they have something in their system, and there is evidence that they do something, but it is not known why. Other people just feel numbed and coming off them takes them back to square 1. I wouldn't bother, personally. You will get more effect from endorphins created from exercise.

You are approaching 50. This is abitshit, for all of us. (I am 50).

You will, I am afraid, never be the competitive cyclist that you were. But there is nothing wrong with being someone who is merely very fit and active and who cycles. Compared to the general population you are still superhuman and your base fitness allows you to do and enjoy things that other cannot, which you should celebrate. You also don't have to be a certain standard to justify the bike. Christ very few of us are, if we are honest.

I wonder if what you need is something new but potentially non competitive, or that doesn't need to be, like kayaking or rowing. Or wild swimming. Or fell running. Or take up an instrument if that's your thing. Half your issue is boredom I think.

And by the sounds of things loneliness. WFH isn't necessarily ideal unless you are an introvert. You may need to just balance the awfulness of wearing wet and smelly shorts on the ride home against feeling isolated by not going to the office at all.