It's the way I tell 'em....

ballysmate

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young."
"I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

vimfuego

Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "get lost, we don't want your type in here"

vimfuego

Bloke goes to a Chinese restaurant and a duck walks up to him with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

The bloke says "Waiter!, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

vimfuego

This chap is driving along when he gets a call on his mobile (hands-free obvs) - it's his boss telling him he's been promoted. He's happy but a bit surprised, and he swerves slightly as a result. No harm done, so he carries on his way. A few minutes later his boss rings back again to tell him he's been so impressed with him, he's been promoted again. The bloke can't believe it, does a bit of a double take and swerves again. Again, no harm done, nobody anywhere near him so he carries on his way.
Ten minutes later, the boss calls back and tells him he's been promoted again and now has a seat on the Board. The bloke is so taken aback that this time he swerves across the road and hits a tree.
A short while later plod arrives at the scene of the accident & the officer asks the bloke what happened.
"I careered off the road" he replies.

ballysmate

Vimfuego. Are you Tim Vine?

finchy

Ballysmate wrote:

Vimfuego. Are you Tim Vine?

What, you mean copying Tommy Cooper jokes?

vimfuego

No - I did see him (Tim Vine) at Sutton station once though.

(no pun or punchline, just an observation)

seanoconn

Me too, I saw him having dinner with his brother Jeremy in Wimbledon. I thought he'd be funnier :roll:

andcp

My mate went to Skeggy yesterday; saw a man and a woman arguing in front of a load of kids, then she smacked him in the head and it kicked off big time. The cops turned up and the baton was drawn on the bloke. The bloke grabbed the baton and smacked the coppers and the woman. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.

(this is best as a text message)

seanoconn