It's the way I tell 'em....

finchy

More chess-related humour

vimfuego

What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac and an agnostic?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog.

vimfuego

...and just to pick on them a bit more

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I'm here all week

crispybug2

Exit Signs...


They're on the way out!

crispybug2

I told my son he wasn't cut out for mime

"Was it something I said" he said

"Yes!"

crispybug2

I'm a hunt saboteur....the night before a hunt I go out and shoot the fox!

crispybug2

I met the man who invented crosswords, I can't remember his name....it was T something something O something H something

orraloon

2 cows are standing in a field. Which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

pinno

That bloody Velcro stuff is a rip off.

vimfuego

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "you man the gun, I'll drive"

crispybug2

I hired an odd job man, he was useless!

Gave him a list of eight jobs to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

crispybug2

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my uncle..... not screaming in terror like the passengers of his bus!

crispybug2

I deleted all the German names from my mobile phone........ Now it's Hans free.

crispybug2

I was a vegan for a while, I lost 9lbs......but most of that was personality.

crispybug2

You're in a room with two hundred people and one of them is a vegan, how would you know which one it was?


Don't worry, they'll f*cking tell you!!

pinno

Pinno wrote:

I took all my German contacts off my mobile phone - now it's a Hans free.

crispybug2 wrote:

I deleted all the German names from my mobile phone........ Now it's Hans free.

ballysmate

But Pinno, Crispy's delivery is so much better.

vimfuego

What's green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?


A pool table

capt_slog

I've started on a new hobby of delivering letters......I like to push the envelope.

vinnymarsden

I hate them Russian dolls....... theyre just sooooooo full of themselves!!!!!!

mrb123

One from the late, great Ronnie Corbett...

A cement mixer has crashed into a prison van on the Kingston bypass. The police are looking for 16 hardened criminals.

surrey_commuter

What is the difference between Addison Lee and a prostitute?

A prostitute only has one cvnt working for her

pinno

A white horse walks into a bar. The barman says "We've have never had a white horse in for a drink. That's amazing. I'll give you a free drink and it's even named after you".
The horse said "What?! Eric?".

finchy

A man goes to church with a worried look on his face. The vicar asks him how he can help.
"I need some spiritual advice. The other day, my wife was bending over the freezer, picking out a packet of frozen peas, and she's got such a beautiful bottom, I couldn't help myself. I just pulled down my trousers and we made love there and then. Can I still go to heaven?"
"Well yes," said the vicar. "God made sex for a man and a woman in a loving marriage. Of course you can still go to heaven"
"That's good news," says the man, "because they won't let me back into Asda."

CiB

Pinno wrote:

A white horse walks into a bar. The barman says "We've have never had a white horse in for a drink. That's amazing. I'll give you a free drink and it's even named after you".
The horse said "What?! Eric?".

Horse goes back the following night, leans on the bar & asks for a pint. The barman pulls it, hands it over & says "there yer go sir. £4.25 pls. You know we don't get many orses in here", and the horse sez yeah I'm not surprised at these bleeding prices.

Speaking of...

Plod comes across a car upside down in a ditch, and the driver is a stereotypical Essex bird, in a bit of state with blood pouring down her jacket. Plod leans down & shouts in through the window asking where are you bleeding from love?, and she spits back at him I'm from bleedin Romford ain I, now get me out of this bleeding car or I'll break yer ferkin nose.

crescent

A woman goes into the doctor's for a check up. The doc tells her she's overweight. "Nonsense", says the woman, "I want a second opinion". "Ok", says the doc,"you're ugly as well".

Two snowmen standing in a garden, one says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

orraloon

Bloke walks into a baker's shop in Dunfermline, points at the tasty comestibles on display and asks:

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"Nah, yer right enough, it's a doughnut."

pinno

orraloon wrote:

Bloke walks into a baker's shop in Dunfermline, points at the tasty comestibles on display and asks:

"Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"Nah, yer right enough, it's a doughnut."

Boom boom. Those south of the border might not get that.

A contestant on a popular quiz show was asked to name 5 Scottish racing drivers...

He replied: "Jim Clarke...David Coulthard...Jackie Stewart...Colin McCrae and after a long pause...Ayr Toon Centre."

manglier

Two vultures sat on a perch, one asks, "Can you smell fish?"

crumbschief

A body was found in the back of an ice cream van today, it was covered
in hundreds and thousands,cherries,mixed nuts and a flake.

The police think he topped himself.