It's the way I tell 'em....

vimfuego

It seems quiet out there at the moment. Apart from the ongoing political slanging matches that is. Too heavy for my liking, so - some light relief. Tell us a good one. I'll start:


- How do you ensure a steam railway enthusiast dies happy?

- Push him under his favourite locomotive...... (he'll be chuffed to bits)

chris_bass

Why did the Baker's hand smell?


He kneaded a poo.

vimfuego

:-) love that one

homers_double

Did you hear about the baker who got an electric shock? He stood on a wire and a currant ran up his leg.

slowmart

What do you call a bloke with a rabbit up his backside?

Warren

seanoconn

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees

mamba80

Why dont owls court in the rain?

because its too wet to woo

tlw1

Knock knock
Whose there
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who
Forget it, it's pointless

vimfuego

What do you call a man with three trees on his head?

Edward Woodward

ballysmate

Sorry for repeating this, but I still think it good. Apologies to Tim

Three Geordie brickies were in a bar in Bravaria. One looked across at and said,”That bloke at the bar looks like Hitler” They empty their glasses and one of them gets up to get the next round.
When he gets to the bar he says,”I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you look like Hitler”
“That’s right”, he replied. “I am Hitler. Me and my mates Himmler and Goering come in here for a pint and plan the next world war. We are going to murder 6 million Jews and an English postman”
The brickie goes back to his mates and tells his mates the story. Perplexed, they get up and go to the bar and one says to Hitler, ”What’s this about murdering an English postman?”
Hitler turns to Himmler and says,” There! I told you nobody gives a fark about the Jews”

viewtopic.php?f=30005&t=12906754&p=18159677&hilit=geordie#p18159677


BTW The 3rd post down made me smile. Jim 454 no longer with us I presume and MattC59?

vimfuego

Bloke walks into a pub. It's totally empty & he walks up to the bar and orders a pint of Fosters. The barman starts to pour his pint but part way through gets the tell tale sput-sput from the tap, so he says "I wont be a minute mate, just got to change the barrel".
The bloke is sitting on a bar stool waiting when he hears a voice saying "that's a really nice shirt, really suits you".
He looks around - nobody there.
"It really brings out the blue in your eyes" the voice continues.
The bloke looks around again - nobody else at the bar, just some bar towels (remember them?) and a bowl of snacks on it.

He scratches his head in puzzlement & thinks he must be losing it. The barman is still changing the barrel so he steps over to the fruit machine to kill some time. He fishes out a pound coin and puts it in the slot.
Immediately the fruit machine spits the coin back out and says "screw you, you ugly sod" (or words to that effect) "take your stinking money and fark off back where you came from, we don't need your type in here".

Stunned, he goes back to the bar. As he gets there the barman returns, notices the look of confusion on his face & asks "are you alright mate? you look a bit hassled"
"It's the strangest thing" the bloke says "I'm sitting here all alone and I heard this voice praising me for my shirt and telling me I look nice, then I go over to the fruitie and it insults me for no reason....I think I'm losing it"

"Nah, that figures" says the barman pointing at the bowl of snacks on the bar "Complimentary nuts.... and the fruit machine's out of order"

b-dum tsssch!

CiB

A bloke is seeing the specialist, who tells him that his time is nearly up, what he has is terminal. He can't deal with it and insists on a second opinion, so the specialist opens the door, whistles, and in walks his pet cat and pet dog, a lovely black labrador.

He instructs the patient to lie on the bed; the cat strolls up and stands on his back legs with both front paws on the patient's forearm, then looks him up & down a couple of times. After a few seconds the cat goes over to the dog and muzzles its ear. The dog nods and bounds over to the specialist with a 'wooof wooff terminal mate woof wooof wooooffff 2 months wooof. Grrrrrr..' (the dog doesn't like this bloke)

The specialist lowers his glasses, peers over them at the patient & says there you go, confirmed; you've got two months - here's an invoice for three grand. "Three grand???" splutters the bloke, "how come?"

"Well" says the doc, "it's two grand for my time plus £500 each for the cat scan & the lab report".

slowbike

Jewish paedophile says to little girl "Would you like to buy some sweeties?"

slowbike

Blonde decides to sell her pet python and puts an ad in a local paper.

Guy phones up to enquire about it and asks how many feet.

"None ****head, it's a ****ing snake."

forehead

vimfuego wrote:

What do you call a man with three trees on his head?

Edward Woodward

Why does Edward Woodward have so many d's in his name?

If he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar.

forehead

Shane Watson announces his retirement from international cricket.
A quick check of the DRS and the decision stands

Badum-tssk

finchy

Two men are playing chess. One of them says "You want to make this interesting?"
His friend replies, "Yeah, OK."
So they put the chessboard away and did something else instead.

chris_bass

finchy wrote:

Two men are playing chess. One of them says "You want to make this interesting?"
His friend replies, "Yeah, OK."
So they put the chessboard away and did something else instead.

I like that!

slowbike

My brother didn't take being sent to jail at all well.
He sulked and swore, refused all food and drink and started to smear the walls with his faeces.




That was the time we ever played Monopoly.

manglier

Q. What's red and in't there?




A. No tomatoes.

pinno

The Scarecrow in the field next to me got an award for being outstanding in his field.

pinno

For a while I recycled shoes but soon stopped as it was sole destroying.

pinno

I took all my German contacts off my mobile phone - now it's a Hans free.

pinno

Driving instructor to pupil: Can you make 'U' turn?
Pupil: No but if you give me a pair of Wellies, i'll make her bloody eyes water.

pinno

I was stopped by the police on the way to the pub last night. The constable said "Did you realise that your wife fell out of the car 5 miles ago?" I said "Thank christ for that, I thought I was going deaf".

pinno

Man sits at the bar shouting for another drink. Barman says he's had too much and to go home. The barman orders him a taxi. The man falls off the bar stool, crawls to the door, crawls into the taxi, falls out of the taxi when he gets home, crawls to the front door and finds his wife standing there. "You've been to the pub again haven't you?" she declares. "How did you know?" Says the man - "Because you left your bloody wheelchair behind".

pinno

Man to wife says: Tomorrow, you, me and the dog are going fishing.
Wife: Tomorrow is Saturday. I don't like fishing. I'm off shopping with the girls.
Man: Listen. Tomorrow, you, me and the dog are going fishing. I'll get you up at 6am and you make breakfast and the sandwiches and you, me and the dog will go fishing.
Wife: What part of "I don't like fishing" don't you understand? I am not going fishing. I am going shopping with the girls.
Man: Okay. Ill get up at 8am and make the sandwiches, you make breakfast and then you me and the dog are going fishing.
Wife: For God's sake, I don't like fishing. I am not going fishing, I am going shopping.
Man: Okay. I'll get up at 10am and make sandwiches, your favourite breakfast and then you, me and the dog are going fishing.
Wife: You're effing stupid you are. I am not going fishing. I am going shopping. It's my day off and I don't like fishing.

Early next morning man arrives at his wife's bedside with a tray and her favourite breakfast laid out on it. She wakes up and he say's "Look, I made the sandwiches and and your favourite breakfast and you and me are going fishing."
"No way am I going fishing. I hate fishing. I am going shopping with the girls, it's my day off. What would make you realise that I do not want to go fishing and what would make you happy?"
Man: Err... hmm... let me see... Okay, you can let me roger you up the bum or you can give me a blow job
Wife: FFS, okay. Fine. I'll give you a bj.

20 seconds later, wife starts spitting and trying desperately to get the foul taste out of her mouth and says "Eeergh, your dick tastes disgusting". Man says " I know, the dog didn't want to come fishing either.

pinno

How many George Bush's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just the one - you just need a whole box of light bulbs.

bianchimoon

I passed the local graveyard the other day and saw some undertakers looking confused carrying a coffin, 2 hours later they were still there
I thought these guys have lost the plot

pinno

Bill Gates dies in a tragic car accident. After spending 6 months on purgatory, he gets a visit from St Luke. "Why have I been here for so long?" Asks Bill Gates. St Luke tells him that they don't know what to do with him because he advanced software for PC's globally and gave us Windows 95 but then gave us Vista, 7, 8 and 10. St Luke says that he will give him the choice of heaven or hell after a visit.
Bill Gates finds heaven quite nice and everybody seems happy and contented. Cupids and Angels sit upon lots of clouds plotting love matches and playing Lyre's.
Hell is quite a different. It's a tropical island with wall to wall sunshine, parties, orgies and cocktails.
After a bit of consideration Bill Gates decides that heaven is all very well but hell is the place for him. St Luke reminds him that it is for eternity and there's no going back. Bill Gates insists that hell is the place.
After a few months, St Luke decides to go visit Bill Gates only to find him strapped to a wall in searing heat being whipped by a 2 horned devil.
"Wait a minute Mr St Luke" he protests "This isn't what you showed me"
St Luke replies "I'm sorry Mr Gates, that was only a demo".

pinno

A man collapsed in the Indian take away the other week. Not to worry, it was only a Mild Korma.