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Brides

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  • Stevo_666Stevo_666 Posts: 45,360
    Ballysmate wrote:
    I am probably in a minority of one here, but I have no inclination to enter the dirt box. Front door and trap door for me.
    Back door only opens one way as far as I am concerned. :wink:
    You protest too much Bally :wink:

    Anyway, not sure anyone here has actually confessed to being a 'Starfish Trooper'.
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  • tlw1tlw1 Posts: 19,409
    GiantMike wrote:
    Well, she finally arrived. The f*cking delivery driver left her with my neighbour, even though I have been in all day!! I don't think 'll be using Pircil Force again. Here she is before I got the Stanley knife out...

    boxed1.jpg-588x3641.jpg

    I must admit, at this point I was slightly concerned that they hadn't sent me a bride at all and the box didn't have any air holes in, though I could hear noises coming from inside.

    Once she was out of the box I was very disappointed. Although it was definitely a woman, it clearly wasn't the bride I'd ordered. The shipment paperwork explained that as Evgenia was out of stock, they'd substituted her for a Katerina. I'm not sure of the pecking order of the VolgaLady line-up, but I basically ordered Dura Ace 9000 and got Tiagra 4500. Heavier than I wanted, didn't look as good, noiser and clearly an older model. Like an old cassette, some of the teeth were missing and the large grips don't suit my hands....Annoying!!

    Anyway, rather than send it straight back, I thought I'd give her a chance and let her out of the box. Once she'd straightened herself out this is what she looked like enjoying a cup of vodka....

    13rehome8.jpg

    Through Google translate she let me know that she thought she was being sent to Robbie Williams, so it appears we were both misinformed. I emailed the website and let them know that, under the Sale of Goods Act 1979, she wasn't sold as described and probably wasn't fit for purpose, well, not for the purpose I have in mind anyway. I'm waiting for a reply.

    What do you think? Should I keep her or send her back? I can't bear to give her the sexy lingerie I bought for my slim bride, though the more vodka I drink I think my willpower is going. I've still got the box but I think she'd be quite difficult to get back in, especially as she's had most of a bottle already and can barely keep the cigarette out of her foul mouth. And I still have a massive collar censored which always gets in the way.


    how was the test ride?
  • arran77arran77 Posts: 9,260
    matthew h wrote:
    GiantMike wrote:
    Well, she finally arrived. The f*cking delivery driver left her with my neighbour, even though I have been in all day!! I don't think 'll be using Pircil Force again. Here she is before I got the Stanley knife out...

    boxed1.jpg-588x3641.jpg

    I must admit, at this point I was slightly concerned that they hadn't sent me a bride at all and the box didn't have any air holes in, though I could hear noises coming from inside.

    Once she was out of the box I was very disappointed. Although it was definitely a woman, it clearly wasn't the bride I'd ordered. The shipment paperwork explained that as Evgenia was out of stock, they'd substituted her for a Katerina. I'm not sure of the pecking order of the VolgaLady line-up, but I basically ordered Dura Ace 9000 and got Tiagra 4500. Heavier than I wanted, didn't look as good, noiser and clearly an older model. Like an old cassette, some of the teeth were missing and the large grips don't suit my hands....Annoying!!

    Anyway, rather than send it straight back, I thought I'd give her a chance and let her out of the box. Once she'd straightened herself out this is what she looked like enjoying a cup of vodka....

    13rehome8.jpg

    Through Google translate she let me know that she thought she was being sent to Robbie Williams, so it appears we were both misinformed. I emailed the website and let them know that, under the Sale of Goods Act 1979, she wasn't sold as described and probably wasn't fit for purpose, well, not for the purpose I have in mind anyway. I'm waiting for a reply.

    What do you think? Should I keep her or send her back? I can't bear to give her the sexy lingerie I bought for my slim bride, though the more vodka I drink I think my willpower is going. I've still got the box but I think she'd be quite difficult to get back in, especially as she's had most of a bottle already and can barely keep the cigarette out of her foul mouth. And I still have a massive collar censored which always gets in the way.


    how was the test ride?

    She said he was shite and is packing her bags to leave as we speak :wink:
    "Arran, you are like the Tony Benn of smut. You have never diluted your depravity and always stand by your beliefs. You have my respect sir and your wife my pity" :lol:

    seanoconn
  • rolf_frolf_f Posts: 16,015
    TBH, this serves you right. If you'd ordered from Ribble or Wiggle you'd have got an instant refund, no questions asked.

    Still, does it really make any difference? Yes, the model you ordered looked better (well, a lot better. Infact, massively better) but at the end of the day, is it really going to affect your performance by more than a couple of seconds? And don't forget, this one is bound to be cheaper to maintain.
    Faster than a tent.......
  • seanoconnseanoconn Posts: 7,564
    Stevo 666 wrote:
    Ballysmate wrote:
    I am probably in a minority of one here, but I have no inclination to enter the dirt box. Front door and trap door for me.
    Back door only opens one way as far as I am concerned. :wink:
    You protest too much Bally :wink:

    Anyway, not sure anyone here has actually confessed to being a 'Starfish Trooper'.
    :oops:
    Pinno, מלך אידיוט וחרא מכונאי
  • arran77arran77 Posts: 9,260
    seanoconn wrote:
    Stevo 666 wrote:
    Ballysmate wrote:
    I am probably in a minority of one here, but I have no inclination to enter the dirt box. Front door and trap door for me.
    Back door only opens one way as far as I am concerned. :wink:
    You protest too much Bally :wink:

    Anyway, not sure anyone here has actually confessed to being a 'Starfish Trooper'.
    :oops:

    You being on the receiving end whilst on A-Wing doesn't count :wink:
    "Arran, you are like the Tony Benn of smut. You have never diluted your depravity and always stand by your beliefs. You have my respect sir and your wife my pity" :lol:

    seanoconn
  • Did she arrive with any Haribo?
  • ballysmateballysmate Posts: 15,407
    Did she arrive with any Haribo?

    Looks like she ate it in transit.
  • random manrandom man Posts: 1,514
    The pitfalls of buying online rather than from your local bride shop, where you can see what you're getting and even try it out before parting with any money :)

    Does n+1 apply? She looks as if she's built for comfort rather than speed so she'd be handy if you like longer rides. If you can afford the young, sporty model as well, fill your boots :D
  • capt_slogcapt_slog Posts: 3,528
    Rolf F wrote:
    TBH, this serves you right. If you'd ordered from Ribble or Wiggle you'd have got an instant refund, no questions asked.

    Still, does it really make any difference? Yes, the model you ordered looked better (well, a lot better. Infact, massively better) but at the end of the day, is it really going to affect your performance by more than a couple of seconds? And don't forget, this one is bound to be cheaper to maintain.

    And there's less chance of this one being stolen.


    The older I get, the better I was.

  • PituophisPituophis Posts: 1,025
    Look on the bright side, at least this one's not got her sponging kids in tow!
    Grandkids may be a problem in a few years mind :(
  • arran77arran77 Posts: 9,260
    Pituophis wrote:
    Grandkids may be a problem in a few years mind :(

    Only if the old girl finds out he's shagged her daughter :wink:
    "Arran, you are like the Tony Benn of smut. You have never diluted your depravity and always stand by your beliefs. You have my respect sir and your wife my pity" :lol:

    seanoconn
  • pinnopinno Posts: 41,543
    As Stevo will testify - never ever marry a beautiful woman. You'll always be looking over your shoulder and be eternally jealous as well as having to fork out lots of money to keep her. She will also always have options.
    Marry a munter. She will be forever grateful and never leave you (no one would have her) and forgive your little misdemeanors.
    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
  • Stevo_666Stevo_666 Posts: 45,360
    As Stevo will testify - never ever marry a beautiful woman. You'll always be looking over your shoulder and be eternally jealous as well as having to fork out lots of money to keep her. She will also always have options.
    Marry a munter. She will be forever grateful and never leave you (no one would have her) and forgive your little misdemeanors.
    How do you know I married a stunna? :)

    Anyhow, looks or no looks, the old adage applies - if it's got tits or wheels it'll cost you a fortune.
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  • pinnopinno Posts: 41,543
    'cos you got to work all hours of the day cooking the books to support her.
    If she left you, you'd get yourself something that looks like the back end of a Rhino and be happy, move norf, go biking on real tracks with real mud, instead of a twisted, bitter southern softie convert.
    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
  • Stevo_666Stevo_666 Posts: 45,360
    'cos you got to work all hours of the day cooking the books to support her.
    If she left you, you'd get yourself something that looks like the back end of a Rhino and be happy, move norf, go biking on real tracks with real mud, instead of a twisted, bitter southern softie convert.
    Real mud? - you obviously haven't been down this end of the world lately. I've had my share of rhinos in the past due to very bad disco lighting and alcohol and there's plenty around here that don't look like a robbers dog.

    Anyhow, is this you idea of a dream holiday, posting in BB on a Friday night? :)
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  • ProssPross Posts: 26,996
    Best thread on Bottom Bracket for ages.

    Mike, based on your experience you should probably start a Be warned! thread to warn others of the dangers of buying online from well known bride shops.

    Personally, I'm more into finely crafted Italian stuff than mass produced, cheap Eastern goods. OK, they are more expensive, likely to be temperamental and refuse to work properly but you just can't beat them for aesthetics.
  • goonzgoonz Posts: 3,106
    Thats going to be a censored to repackage. Just like those vacuum packed mattresses.
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  • GiantMikeGiantMike Posts: 3,139
    Right, finally got a reply from the VolgaLady website and I've now got a bit of a conundrum. Their email reads....

    Dear Mr Mikes

    Thanks you for your complains about Ms Evgenia. Our terms and condizions explain that, in events of shortage of supplies, a different bride may be sent in her place to keep customers most happy. It is sad that you did not like your bride but we will nots take returns because she is now used and dirty and we cannot resell her, except maybe to Australian mens. As a goodwills sign, we are prepared to send an another wife for your pleasures and she is very popular as she is good bendy and has strong arms. If you like we will post shortly. Here is link to her website:

    http://www.abelarusbride.com/natalia_ro1.htm

    Many good lucks

    Igor Smallov


    I followed the link and got to this picture:
    Natalia%20108BVB6%201.jpg

    The trouble is that I can't actually send Evgenia back as she looks quite violent if she doesn't get her way and she wants to stay. And I have had a go on her and it wasn't as unpleasant as it could have been. Russian women have very nimble fingers and they hold you like a bear once the deed is done, mainly to stop you running away I think. I didn't plan to have a go on her, but after a potato stew and some very strong booze I passed out and woke up about half an hour later with her riding me on the table. As I was already in and very drunk I though I'd make an effort as she had the look of the devil in her eyes, but I had a little cry afterwards. Not really the Russian Bride experience I was hoping for and I don't really want to keep on doing it in the future. I also think she has invited her brother to stay which scares me witless.

    So, I emailed Igor and he's sending Natalia, though I had to pay for postage; quite expensive at £4,892 including Belarussian Land Taxes, apparently. I don't really want 2 Russian women, so how should I get rid of Evgenia without her hurting me, and preferably before she has another go on me?
  • arran77arran77 Posts: 9,260
    GiantMike wrote:
    I don't really want 2 Russian women, so how should I get rid of Evgenia without her hurting me, and preferably before she has another go on me?

    Send her over to Sean, if his latest conquest leaves him as well he'll welcome the female companionship that Evgenia would offer :wink:
    "Arran, you are like the Tony Benn of smut. You have never diluted your depravity and always stand by your beliefs. You have my respect sir and your wife my pity" :lol:

    seanoconn
  • tlw1tlw1 Posts: 19,409
    arran77 wrote:
    GiantMike wrote:
    I don't really want 2 Russian women, so how should I get rid of Evgenia without her hurting me, and preferably before she has another go on me?

    Send her over to Sean, if his latest conquest leaves him as well he'll welcome the female companionship that Evgenia would offer :wink:

    take her for a drive and leave her somewhere (maybe Chelsea - they love the Russians)
  • ProssPross Posts: 26,996
    GiantMike wrote:
    I don't really want 2 Russian women, so how should I get rid of Evgenia without her hurting me, and preferably before she has another go on me?

    I believe the traditional Russian method is to throw her in a wood chipper and feed the resulting product to pigs. Apparently there will be nothing left to show she existed and fortunately you didn't sign the delivery receipt. Your only problem is the emails to Igor, that could lead you open to blackmail.
  • PituophisPituophis Posts: 1,025
    When is the ex spetsnaz brother turning up?
    Best get the deed done long before then Mike :shock:
  • It's a shame we wasn't aware of this over the weekend, ebay had zero fee insertion on all new listings.

    If she is insisting you embrace some of her culture by making you have a tipple or two of the old fiery potato juice, maybe you should introduce her to the experience that is Cafferys Mind Warp. (Warning, may cause complete loss of memory and logical functions). :wink:
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  • pinnopinno Posts: 41,543
    It's a shame we wasn't aware of this over the weekend, ebay had zero fee insertion on all new listings.

    If she is insisting you embrace some of her culture by making you have a tipple or two of the old fiery potato juice, maybe you should introduce her to the experience that is Cafferys Mind Warp. (Warning, may cause complete loss of memory and logical functions). :wink:

    On that subject. My missus said to me "Do you realise what day it is?" I said "yep, it's our 10th anniversary". She said "Do you remember what you were thinking that night 10 years ago?". "Yep" I said..."I was thinking that night, I was going to suck your f*** so hard, your brains would come out"."...and what are you thinking now?". I said "What a good job I must have done".

    Where's my coat?
    seanoconn - gruagach craic!
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