Cycling advice that is both pointless to give & receive ?
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The lights in the vast auditorium dimmed. A hush descended over the great and the good of Hollywood, draped in their posh frocks and fashion disasters; enough diamonds to finance a small African civil war glittering in the faint light. The Great Action Movie Star walked easily up to the podium, flashing the smile he’d based his entire career on, flanked by the Ditzy Blonde whom everyone could remember having seen in a big film once but couldn’t quite remember which.
“And now it’s time for the big one,” said The Great Action Movie Star. “Jennifer, please read out the nominations for ‘The Award for the Most Pointless Thread of 2013’”. The Ditzy Blonde stared hard at the autocue; in the OB truck outside, the live broadcast director screamed at the bank of screens in front of him. “Why did she turn up to rehearsals five hours late?!” and then hurled his director’s viewfinder at the work-experience intern.
“And the nominations for this year’s Most Pointless Thread are,” the Ditzy Blonde continued, “Cannondaleboss for ‘I love the bike I just bought’”. A picture of a beautiful lime green Cannondale flashed up on one of the huge screens and a close-up of Cannondaleboss himself, sitting in the audience, smiling awkwardly. He seemed young but with a shy smile, surely undeserving of the critical mauling he’d endured in the cynical Hollywood trade press. A polite ripple of applause echoed around the theatre.
“And the second nomination,” continued the Ditzy One, “is Raffles, for ‘The Spirit of Cycling is Betrayed by Everything Manufactured After 1952”. A flickering black and white clip of Charlie Chaplin riding a bike that appeared to consist of two scaffolding tubes attached with rubber bands to a pair of wheels made out of cheese appeared on the giant screen. When Raffles looked up to see his own close-up on the other screen, he felt an immediate surge of panic. “Damn, I knew I should have worn my other toupe”, he thought to himself, “I’m sure they can see the join under this harsh studio light”.
“And the winner is….”
The Great Action Movie Star opened the envelope carefully, stared at it for a moment, milking the moment with a sense of dramatic timing he never actually bothered with in his films. He raised his eyebrow in that annoyingly quizzical way.
“Raffles!”
The auditorium burst into thunderous fake-sincere applause. Raffles, in a daze, found himself walking up to the stage. “I’m so sexy,” he thought to himself wishfully. “Hot, sizzling hot!” as he sashayed up to the stage.
The Great Action Movie Star shook him heartily by the hand. The Ditzy Blonde handed him the Oscar and leant forward to kiss him on both cheeks, almost suffocating him with her microclimate of hairspray. Perhaps it was the picture of the lime green Cannondale earlier that planted the idea in his head or perhaps Raffles was just that type of guy anyway, but he suddenly felt the urge to “do a Peter Sagan”. His hand snaked out towards derriere but you don’t get to the top of the Hollywood greasy pole by being as ditzy as you pretend to be. Before Raffles could even react to the sudden steely expression in her eyes, her hand shot out to intercept his, pulling his finger back with a loud SNAP!
Fighting back the pain and with tears in his eyes, Raffles struggled to put a brave face on it but he needn’t have worried, everyone else thought he was just blubbing like Gwyneth Paltrow. He gave a long, meandering, boring acceptance speech entirely in keeping with the threads that had won him the award in the first place, entirely forgetting to thank anyone else.0 -
ROTFLMAO
damn that was funny, im kinda flattterred you spent all that time typing for lil ole me, I wouldnt have bothered for you.2012 Cannondale CAAD 8 1050 -
Bravo! English Cycles V3 | Cervelo P5 | Cervelo T4 | Trek Domane Koppenberg0 -
.............................anyway, back on topic
2012 Cannondale CAAD 8 1050 -
Pure quality well done Jane90 cheered my lunch time no end LMFAO0
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There's a topic to this?0
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Selling my Legend frame
http://owningalegend.wordpress.com/2014 ... ced-price/0 -
Just saw a post in which someone was asking for water bottle recommendations.
This actually got some responces.
At first I thought that this had to be the most ridiculous question I had ever heard and then I spotted a debate on lubes that ran for a bunch of pages.0 -
Should I wave or say hello to other cyclists?Scott Speedster S20 Roadie for Speed
Specialized Hardrock MTB for Lumps
Specialized Langster SS for Ease
Cinelli Mash Bolt Fixed for Pain
n+1 is well and truly on track
Strava http://app.strava.com/athletes/16088750 -
Everything is meaningless... Ecclesiastes 1:10
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Which bottom bracket should I buy?0
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has there ever been a thread along the lines of which area has the best tarmac ?
ill bet nobody was brave enuff to post a humdinger like that.2012 Cannondale CAAD 8 1050 -
I kind of like the threads asking Sram vs Campy vs Shimano. People reply with things like
"I can't get on with (pick one)." "I find the ergonomics of (pick one) to be sadly lacking."
"The shifting of (pick one) seems rough and crude." "I don't care for the feel of (pick one)." "Never really caught on to shifting (pick one)."
Always made me wonder if the people, who can't wrap their heads around something as simple as pushing a few levers, are actually capable of riding a bike without training wheels.
The old saying about "...so simple a monkey (or caveman) can do it." seems to come to mind. :twisted:0 -
The advice that if you aren't going at x cadence and cycling x miles x many times a week then the next time you try to go out for a ride your legs will literally fall off.0
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"What gearing for climbing hill X / riding route Y?"
How on earth is anyone supposed to give a sensible answer to that without knowing a hell of a lot about the capabilities of the rider in question? 42x21 will get someone up everything, but without knowing if you're that someone, how's it possible to answer it? Surely the only possible answer that can be given to said question without any fear of getting it wrong is...
"Get a low ratio MTB triple crankset, and a 29er cassette, and if you can't get up it in 22x36 you're going to have to walk."Mangeur0 -
How about the triathletes who constantly tell you "my 21:07 first split was followed by a 22:54 second at an average heartrate of 167, the first transition was a little slow at blah blah, I came back a little during the last half split of the bike which was blah blah blah. Then blah blah blah blah and blah blah into the run at blah blah."
I think I could fall asleep standing up when people talk about things like that.0 -
AchillesLeftKnee wrote:"What gearing for climbing hill X / riding route Y?"
How on earth is anyone supposed to give a sensible answer to that without knowing a hell of a lot about the capabilities of the rider in question? 42x21 will get someone up everything, but without knowing if you're that someone, how's it possible to answer it? Surely the only possible answer that can be given to said question without any fear of getting it wrong is...
"Get a low ratio MTB triple crankset, and a 29er cassette, and if you can't get up it in 22x36 you're going to have to walk."
The last sentence made me laugh so hard I almost cried. 0 -
AchillesLeftKnee wrote:"
"Get a low ratio MTB triple crankset, and a 29er cassette, and if you can't get up it in 22x36 you're going to have to walk."
While your on - can you tell me what wheels to put that new cassette on please. Cant be bothered posting my budget or what i want to use the wheels for - you should know that already clearly!
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I haven't ridden my.new bike yet but how should I upgrade it?0
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Btw ....
Where do you put ya pump? Still thinking of something clever to say!0 -
ooermissus wrote:I haven't ridden my.new bike yet but how should I upgrade it?
Get someone else to ride it - that'll be an upgrade! 0 -
What should I carry with me on a ride, where should I store it, what should I eat and drink, how much and when, is it ok to wear a procycling top, should I wave or not wave, smile or not smile, blah blah blah
(Tongue in cheek here as I don't mind these posts and usually end up responding to them)0 -
God, you are a sad bunch - don't know about you, but, lovely weather here, so heading out - not wasting time on 'pointless' posts!!0
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Phil Fouracre wrote:God, you are a sad bunch - don't know about you, but, lovely weather here, so heading out - not wasting time on 'pointless' posts!!
He pointlessly posted.0 -
ooermissus wrote:Phil Fouracre wrote:God, you are a sad bunch - don't know about you, but, lovely weather here, so heading out - not wasting time on 'pointless' posts!!
He pointlessly posted.
He's really got into the spirit of it with his pointless post for sure. I do love a good rant from someone going on about posting rather than riding - who completely misses the point that they too are posting 0 -
jane90 wrote:The lights in the vast auditorium dimmed. A hush descended over the great and the good of Hollywood, draped in their posh frocks and fashion disasters; enough diamonds to finance a small African civil war glittering in the faint light. The Great Action Movie Star walked easily up to the podium, flashing the smile he’d based his entire career on, flanked by the Ditzy Blonde whom everyone could remember having seen in a big film once but couldn’t quite remember which.
“And now it’s time for the big one,” said The Great Action Movie Star. “Jennifer, please read out the nominations for ‘The Award for the Most Pointless Thread of 2013’”. The Ditzy Blonde stared hard at the autocue; in the OB truck outside, the live broadcast director screamed at the bank of screens in front of him. “Why did she turn up to rehearsals five hours late?!” and then hurled his director’s viewfinder at the work-experience intern.
“And the nominations for this year’s Most Pointless Thread are,” the Ditzy Blonde continued, “Cannondaleboss for ‘I love the bike I just bought’”. A picture of a beautiful lime green Cannondale flashed up on one of the huge screens and a close-up of Cannondaleboss himself, sitting in the audience, smiling awkwardly. He seemed young but with a shy smile, surely undeserving of the critical mauling he’d endured in the cynical Hollywood trade press. A polite ripple of applause echoed around the theatre.
“And the second nomination,” continued the Ditzy One, “is Raffles, for ‘The Spirit of Cycling is Betrayed by Everything Manufactured After 1952”. A flickering black and white clip of Charlie Chaplin riding a bike that appeared to consist of two scaffolding tubes attached with rubber bands to a pair of wheels made out of cheese appeared on the giant screen. When Raffles looked up to see his own close-up on the other screen, he felt an immediate surge of panic. “Damn, I knew I should have worn my other toupe”, he thought to himself, “I’m sure they can see the join under this harsh studio light”.
“And the winner is….”
The Great Action Movie Star opened the envelope carefully, stared at it for a moment, milking the moment with a sense of dramatic timing he never actually bothered with in his films. He raised his eyebrow in that annoyingly quizzical way.
“Raffles!”
The auditorium burst into thunderous fake-sincere applause. Raffles, in a daze, found himself walking up to the stage. “I’m so sexy,” he thought to himself wishfully. “Hot, sizzling hot!” as he sashayed up to the stage.
The Great Action Movie Star shook him heartily by the hand. The Ditzy Blonde handed him the Oscar and leant forward to kiss him on both cheeks, almost suffocating him with her microclimate of hairspray. Perhaps it was the picture of the lime green Cannondale earlier that planted the idea in his head or perhaps Raffles was just that type of guy anyway, but he suddenly felt the urge to “do a Peter Sagan”. His hand snaked out towards derriere but you don’t get to the top of the Hollywood greasy pole by being as ditzy as you pretend to be. Before Raffles could even react to the sudden steely expression in her eyes, her hand shot out to intercept his, pulling his finger back with a loud SNAP!
Fighting back the pain and with tears in his eyes, Raffles struggled to put a brave face on it but he needn’t have worried, everyone else thought he was just blubbing like Gwyneth Paltrow. He gave a long, meandering, boring acceptance speech entirely in keeping with the threads that had won him the award in the first place, entirely forgetting to thank anyone else.
Superb!0
