Right or wrong

2

Comments

  • bobtbuilder
    bobtbuilder Posts: 1,537
    spen666 wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    ....
    So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

    Honest opinions appreciated.

    Rob


    That's not your decision.

    Its one for your girlfriend

    Hi Spen, totally understand this. She & I are happy with, but people tend to be happy when they are getting what they want.

    I guess I should have said, I was looking for impartial opinion on whether we are being out of order or not.
  • spen666
    spen666 Posts: 17,709
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    spen666 wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    ....
    So, my question is; is it OK for me to be spending time with my girlfriend at the family home or not?

    Honest opinions appreciated.

    Rob


    That's not your decision.

    Its one for your girlfriend

    Hi Spen, totally understand this. She & I are happy with, but people tend to be happy when they are getting what they want.

    I guess I should have said, I was looking for impartial opinion on whether we are being out of order or not.

    The children need to be put first!

    I'm in a similar situation except from day 1 my partner told her son of the situation and of my existence and let him decide if he would be happy for me to visit
    Want to know the Spen666 behind the posts?
    Then read MY BLOG @ http://www.pebennett.com

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  • bobtbuilder
    bobtbuilder Posts: 1,537
    spen666 wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    spen666 wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    ....
    I'm in a similar situation except from day 1 my partner told her son of the situation and of my existence and let him decide if he would be happy for me to visit

    How old was he, Spen? My GF's have only just turned 3 & 5.
  • notsoblue
    notsoblue Posts: 5,756
    spen666 wrote:
    The children need to be put first!
    +1

    Kids shouldn't really have to put up with adult problems...
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  • spen666
    spen666 Posts: 17,709
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    spen666 wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    spen666 wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    ....
    I'm in a similar situation except from day 1 my partner told her son of the situation and of my existence and let him decide if he would be happy for me to visit

    How old was he, Spen? My GF's have only just turned 3 & 5.

    He was 11 then!
    Want to know the Spen666 behind the posts?
    Then read MY BLOG @ http://www.pebennett.com

    Twittering @spen_666
  • bobtbuilder
    bobtbuilder Posts: 1,537
    Hey All,

    Just wanted to update you following the mediation session:

    The husband suggested that he would stay at the hours for "a couple of hours" one night of the week so my GF could visit me. She told him to poke that idea and eventually it has been agreed that I may visit the house after 8PM in the evenings as long as I don;t stay overnight or go upstairs (nieither of which I have done before anyway, but he doesn't believe this). He is no longer allowed to visit the house AFTER 8pm.

    The only concession my GF had to make in return is that I won't be introduced to the boys until it can be discussed at the next mediation session in mid-January.

    Thanks again to everyone for their opinions, advice & support. :)
  • chadders81
    chadders81 Posts: 744
    I've got an important question...

    What bike has this bloke got? Console him with the fact that at least you're not riding that as well (unless you are - in which case, chapeau).
  • JamesB5446
    JamesB5446 Posts: 471
    Just tell him not to worry and that you will be his kids new daddy from now on. That should calm him down a bit.
  • First.Aspect
    First.Aspect Posts: 16,961
    If I read this right, your gf had an affair... with you.

    The husband has fallen on his sword and moved out so that the disruption for his kids is minimized. He's willing to effectively put his life on hold for a year or so, in order that no one gets hit with what could be £5k-£10k mortgage penalty.

    He also doesn't particularly want an unknown bloke spending time in his house, with his wife, in his bed, with his children in the next room.

    He has now come to a compromise to allow the two of you to spend time together.

    If I were him I'd want to put your head on a spike, but he's been rather reasonable and you rather critical of him. What am I missing?
  • clarkey cat
    clarkey cat Posts: 3,641
    bobtbuilder. You may find this thread interesting - the jilted husband's point of view.

    viewtopic.php?f=40088&t=12873521&hilit=new+bloke
    Dolan Mythos
  • bobtbuilder
    bobtbuilder Posts: 1,537
    First Aspect wrote:
    If I read this right, your gf had an affair... with you.

    The husband has fallen on his sword and moved out so that the disruption for his kids is minimized. He's willing to effectively put his life on hold for a year or so, in order that no one gets hit with what could be £5k-£10k mortgage penalty.

    He also doesn't particularly want an unknown bloke spending time in his house, with his wife, in his bed, with his children in the next room.

    He has now come to a compromise to allow the two of you to spend time together.

    If I were him I'd want to put your head on a spike, but he's been rather reasonable and you rather critical of him. What am I missing?

    A couple of points:

    He is the driving force behind her staying in the house until next September as he is concerned about the mortgage clause. She would rather sell now to get a man who verbally & physically abused her (you read about dragging her down a staircase by her hair???) out of her life.

    He can go wherever he wants 5 nights a week & 1 weekend day, go out with anyone he pleases, etc, but she is only "allowed" 1 day to spend with who she wants?

    I have never, and will never be in his bed. I haven't even been upstairs in their house.

    He hasn't come to a compromise. The mitigation people agreed that he has no right to dictate who my GF sees in her time as long as the kids aren't affected. Using the boys as "hostages" to keep her chained to the house out of spite is plain wrong.
  • First.Aspect
    First.Aspect Posts: 16,961
    I'm just saying - you have been involved in an affair. This is generally not considered a fine, upstanding thing to do.

    He's not here to defend himself is he? It doesn't sound great, but I'm fairly sure its none of your business. You are probably kidding yourself that you have a balanced view of their relationship.

    You are making an assumption about his motivations now.

    The mortgage issue seems reasonable to me.

    Concern about what is going on in the house occupied by his children seems reasonable to me.

    Okay, you say that you have been gentlemanly and restrained (other than taking the free kick before the referee's whistle, that is) but why on earth would anyone believe you without further investigation?

    The kids will know full well that there is a man around and its incredibly naive and arguably selfish to pretend otherwise. Its one thing going on a date, but if she's sent the message that she doesn't want you to meet the kids, what on earth are you or the two of you thinking having you there at all?

    Anyway, just thought I'd point out the other way to look at this situation. Your OP was very "poor me, poor us" and actually rather self involved all things considered.

    My understanding is that things could really get ugly for everyone if he decides he wants to question the "safety" of who is around his house. There may not be any justification for this, but if I were you I'd keep the waters calm with him, because if you are together with this woman long term, he will be a big part of your life one way or another.
  • DonDaddyD
    DonDaddyD Posts: 12,689
    I just read through the whole thread again. If you can only see your GF at her place in the evenings and never upstairs, never been introduced to the kids and she is always with them. Then how and where do you find the time to have sex?

    Yep. You just read that.
    Food Chain number = 4

    A true scalp is not only overtaking someone but leaving them stopped at a set of lights. As you, who have clearly beaten the lights, pummels nothing but the open air ahead. ~ 'DondaddyD'. Player of the Unspoken Game
  • merkin
    merkin Posts: 452
    Blimey. Some people seem to have read an awful into the original post.
    DDD & first aspect especially.
  • First.Aspect
    First.Aspect Posts: 16,961
    merkin wrote:
    Blimey. Some people seem to have read an awful into the original post.
    DDD & first aspect especially.
    When I see a thread that is essentially one sided, I feel obliged to comment. What do you think I've read into the original post (and following replies) that wasn't there?

    DDD - Kitchen table? Sofa?
  • dhope
    dhope Posts: 6,699
    First Aspect wrote:
    When I see a thread that is essentially one sided, I feel obliged to comment. What do you think I've read into the original post (and following replies) that wasn't there?
    I inferred from the originals posts that the couple had split and then the OP started going out with the wife, rather than an affair.
    If he's going out with a girl whose divorce papers just haven't come through then fine, if he is the reason for the divorce then he's a dick. But I assumed the former.
    Rose Xeon CW Disc
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  • bobtbuilder
    bobtbuilder Posts: 1,537
    DonDaddyD wrote:
    I just read through the whole thread again. If you can only see your GF at her place in the evenings and never upstairs, never been introduced to the kids and she is always with them. Then how and where do you find the time to have sex?

    Yep. You just read that.

    The 24 hours per weekend that her husband has the kids.
    I inferred from the originals posts that the couple had split and then the OP started going out with the wife, rather than an affair.
    If he's going out with a girl whose divorce papers just haven't come through then fine, if he is the reason for the divorce then he's a dick. But I assumed the former.

    As per one of my earlier posts, when I got to know her she was already building up the courage to leave him. Not easy when he's such a controlling emotional bully prone to occasional violence.

    Did I help her build her courage to leave? Yes.
    Am I the reason she's leaving? No.
    Now, how about keeping the insults to yourself?
  • DonDaddyD
    DonDaddyD Posts: 12,689
    bobtbuilder wrote:

    Did I help her build her courage to leave? Yes.

    631653_show_default.png

    Am I the reason she's leaving? No.
    I think you are a reason or have given her a reason to leave. It is not for me to say whether that is right or wrong. It isn't my place to comment.
    Food Chain number = 4

    A true scalp is not only overtaking someone but leaving them stopped at a set of lights. As you, who have clearly beaten the lights, pummels nothing but the open air ahead. ~ 'DondaddyD'. Player of the Unspoken Game
  • dhope
    dhope Posts: 6,699
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    DonDaddyD wrote:
    I just read through the whole thread again. If you can only see your GF at her place in the evenings and never upstairs, never been introduced to the kids and she is always with them. Then how and where do you find the time to have sex?

    Yep. You just read that.

    The 24 hours per weekend that her husband has the kids.
    I inferred from the originals posts that the couple had split and then the OP started going out with the wife, rather than an affair.
    If he's going out with a girl whose divorce papers just haven't come through then fine, if he is the reason for the divorce then he's a dick. But I assumed the former.

    As per one of my earlier posts, when I got to know her she was already building up the courage to leave him. Not easy when he's such a controlling emotional bully prone to occasional violence.

    Did I help her build her courage to leave? Yes.
    Am I the reason she's leaving? No.
    Now, how about keeping the insults to yourself?
    I wasn't intending to insult you actually, I'd said that I assumed the former. I'd seen your OP but not studied the few pages in between, I just thought that FA's post was a bit harsh on you. Turns out it wasn't entirely.
    Still, if the bloke was violent then all bets are off and he can go f*ck himself.
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  • bobtbuilder
    bobtbuilder Posts: 1,537
    dhope wrote:
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    DonDaddyD wrote:
    I just read through the whole thread again. If you can only see your GF at her place in the evenings and never upstairs, never been introduced to the kids and she is always with them. Then how and where do you find the time to have sex?

    Yep. You just read that.

    The 24 hours per weekend that her husband has the kids.
    I inferred from the originals posts that the couple had split and then the OP started going out with the wife, rather than an affair.
    If he's going out with a girl whose divorce papers just haven't come through then fine, if he is the reason for the divorce then he's a dick. But I assumed the former.

    As per one of my earlier posts, when I got to know her she was already building up the courage to leave him. Not easy when he's such a controlling emotional bully prone to occasional violence.

    Did I help her build her courage to leave? Yes.
    Am I the reason she's leaving? No.
    Now, how about keeping the insults to yourself?
    I wasn't intending to insult you actually, I'd said that I assumed the former. I'd seen your OP but not studied the few pages in between, I just thought that FA's post was a bit harsh on you. Turns out it wasn't entirely.
    Still, if the bloke was violent then all bets are off and he can go f*ck himself.

    @Dhope - Thanks for clarifying and sorry for overreacting. I'm quite sensitive about the subject and extremely protective of my GF. She's been through an awful lot with an abuse husband.
  • NGale
    NGale Posts: 1,866
    ahhh complicated lives indeed. Going through some smillar stuff at the moment and it's one hell of a confusing time.
    All I can say is, if it's worth it then ride it out and be paitent and you will win through eventually, but it will take up a lot of mental energy
    Officers don't run, it's undignified and panics the men
  • DonDaddyD
    DonDaddyD Posts: 12,689
    NGale wrote:
    ahhh complicated lives indeed. Going through some smillar stuff at the moment and it's one hell of a confusing time.
    All I can say is, if it's worth it then ride it out and be paitent and you will win through eventually, but it will take up a lot of mental energy
    WHAT HAPPENED TO JAKE!? :cry::cry::cry:
    Food Chain number = 4

    A true scalp is not only overtaking someone but leaving them stopped at a set of lights. As you, who have clearly beaten the lights, pummels nothing but the open air ahead. ~ 'DondaddyD'. Player of the Unspoken Game
  • dhope
    dhope Posts: 6,699
    edited October 2012
    snip
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  • tailwindhome
    tailwindhome Posts: 19,314
    bobtbuilder wrote:
    I'm quite sensitive about the subject.


    Posting on the internet asking randomers what they think probably isn't a good idea then.
    “New York has the haircuts, London has the trousers, but Belfast has the reason!
  • NGale
    NGale Posts: 1,866
    DonDaddyD wrote:
    NGale wrote:
    ahhh complicated lives indeed. Going through some smillar stuff at the moment and it's one hell of a confusing time.
    All I can say is, if it's worth it then ride it out and be paitent and you will win through eventually, but it will take up a lot of mental energy
    WHAT HAPPENED TO JAKE!? :cry::cry::cry:

    Myself and Jake are still friends but we split up back in June. It was getting to the point where we just weren't seeing each other any more because of his work and being constantly away (he's off to Afghan after christmas as well!)
    Officers don't run, it's undignified and panics the men
  • DonDaddyD
    DonDaddyD Posts: 12,689
    Oh no... that's it then, there are no more sweet Bikeradar relationships* The World Wide Web is that little bit darker...


    *except for Paul E and EKE of course - but they're grumble bums.
    Food Chain number = 4

    A true scalp is not only overtaking someone but leaving them stopped at a set of lights. As you, who have clearly beaten the lights, pummels nothing but the open air ahead. ~ 'DondaddyD'. Player of the Unspoken Game
  • NGale
    NGale Posts: 1,866
    edited October 2012
    DonDaddyD wrote:
    Oh no... that's it then, there are no more sweet Bikeradar relationships* The World Wide Web is that little bit darker...


    *except for Paul E and EKE of course - but they're grumble bums.

    Ahh myself and Jake still get on though, out drinking with him on Friday night and a few friends
    Officers don't run, it's undignified and panics the men
  • DonDaddyD
    DonDaddyD Posts: 12,689
    If it ends in a threesome or bloodshed do let us know!
    Food Chain number = 4

    A true scalp is not only overtaking someone but leaving them stopped at a set of lights. As you, who have clearly beaten the lights, pummels nothing but the open air ahead. ~ 'DondaddyD'. Player of the Unspoken Game
  • spen666
    spen666 Posts: 17,709
    DonDaddyD wrote:
    If it ends in a threesome or bloodshed do let us know!

    IF it ends in a threesome and bloodshed do let us know
    Want to know the Spen666 behind the posts?
    Then read MY BLOG @ http://www.pebennett.com

    Twittering @spen_666
  • NGale
    NGale Posts: 1,866
    DonDaddyD wrote:
    If it ends in a threesome or bloodshed do let us know!

    :lol: Unlikely, more likely it will end up in service banter about how the Navy is better than the Army and vice versa
    Officers don't run, it's undignified and panics the men

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