Cycling or divorce

MattC59

Yossie wrote:

If, through some sort of deluded sense of "love" you can't/won't/don't want to post pics of her norks, does she have a sister?

You could both sleep with the sister and post pics of her norks: total familial humiliation that only sinks in fully as they realise the bank accounts are empty and you fit your new Obermayer IIIs.

HTH

Y

Quite possibly epic !!
(fingers crossed !)

de_sisti

@patbriggsmbr, could the fact that;

in the new year I'm planing a coast to coast on the road

then 3 month later doing the Lejog solo

have any bearing on your wife's ultimatum? Just askin'. Why not offer to take her with you? But make sure
you pamper her in 5 star luxury on-route.

nevman

Blame Wiggle.Hands aloft.

cornerblock

Looks like his missus has got De Sisti Solicitors on the case.

rozzer32

Yossie wrote:

If, through some sort of deluded sense of "love" you can't/won't/don't want to post pics of her norks, does she have a sister?

You could both sleep with the sister and post pics of her norks: total familial humiliation that only sinks in fully as they realise the bank accounts are empty and you fit your new Obermayer IIIs.

HTH

Y

AMAZING!!

Aggieboy

You've grown apart, the cycling issue is a convenient excuse. MTFU and break up for both your sakes.

Cleat Eastwood

Yossie wrote:

If, through some sort of deluded sense of "love" you can't/won't/don't want to post pics of her norks, does she have a sister?

You could both sleep with the sister and post pics of her norks: total familial humiliation that only sinks in fully as they realise the bank accounts are empty and you fit your new Obermayer IIIs.

HTH

Y

Top drawer response there - well played.

Frank the tank

Being as you were cycling before you met your wife I would suggest the issue isn't really the cycling. You need to both do some hard talking (counselling if neccessary) to get to the root of the real problem.

IF it transpires it IS the cycling that's the problem then you'll have to do some serious soul searching.

Either way, all the best.

Gizmodo

Yossie wrote:

If, through some sort of deluded sense of "love" you can't/won't/don't want to post pics of her norks, does she have a sister?

You could both sleep with the sister and post pics of her norks: total familial humiliation that only sinks in fully as they realise the bank accounts are empty and you fit your new Obermayer IIIs.

HTH

Y

I don't think this one will make Cycling+ From the Forum column, what a shame, epic post.

secretsqizz

Divorce on grounds of her unreasonable behaviour ( I mean, whats not to like about bikes?).
Then find a hooker with a passion for riding.

MichaelW

I knew a woman at work who had divorced successfully, several times, but generally the only winners are lawyers.
I suggest you get your marriage advice from a marriage guidance councillor rather than cakestop.

Wirral_paul

secretsqizz wrote:

Then find a hooker with a passion for riding.

Isnt that all of them? Comes in the job description!!

de_sisti

Here's a much more despairing tale of marital woes from yacf.co.uk

Smokin Joe

De Sisti wrote:

Here's a much more despairing tale of marital woes from yacf.co.uk

You need to log in, can't you cut & paste the juicy bits? I can't join YACF because I don't have a beard or sandals.

secretsqizz

Smokin Joe wrote:

De Sisti wrote:

Here's a much more despairing tale of marital woes from yacf.co.uk

You need to log in, can't you cut & paste the juicy bits? I can't join YACF because I don't have a beard or sandals.

Probably a case of she is a fast and loose woman and he wants panniers on her.

de_sisti

Smokin Joe wrote:

De Sisti wrote:

Here's a much more despairing tale of marital woes from yacf.co.uk

You need to log in, can't you cut & paste the juicy bits? I can't join YACF because I don't have a beard or sandals.

Jake

Formally a random one


Marriage/Not Marriage help

I need some advice.

I have been with my wife for 24 years, we have four children, four businesses, and a house that's linked to the businesses. In March, out of the blue, she told me she "would prefer to be on her own" and would I go and live somewhere else. The kids would come and see me at the weekend. Oh and a divorce.

This is totally unexpected and out of character. The reasons she has given are from a whole different view - things she has said are not what has happened - I was extremely low and thought I might have mental problems, but her mother and sisters have all spoken to me about her talking about things which they know didn't happen. Also when her family have tried to talk to her she has just said "I'm Fine" and refused to discuss it further. They have talked to me at length and tried to help.

We have been under a lot of pressure lately - one of the businesses breaks even, one is losing tons of money and the other two are paying to keep it afloat. This leaves our personal finances at "heads only just above water" level. Also she was drinking a lot, two bottles of wine every night. I did not move out - I have nowhere to stay and cannot afford to pay. At first she moved into the eldest's room, then when he was back for Easter she again told me to go - so I ended up sleeping in the car and showering/shaving at work. When she worked out what I was doing she went to stay with a friend and I was back at home. She arrives every morning after I leave for work and leaves just before I get back.

She will barely talk to me and has refused relate/marriage guidance/counselling. I think it might be possible that if we were to talk with an independent person present, she might, just maybe, realise how irrational she is being.

Now she has suggested mediation. I thought that was what it sounds like and immediately agreed. Google tells me it's not, it's just a divorce but with one lawyer instead of two. The cost is apparently £235 per hour.

I love her enormously and have cried every day since March. Occasionally when we have to work together she forgets and we get on like we used to, then she suddenly remembers she's supposed to be being rude to me and treats me like shit again.

I don't know what to do next. I don't expect anyone here to tell me but it has been enormously helpful writing things down. Thanks for listening.

It gets more interesting...

Thanks for all the replies, it's very helpful as I don't actually have anyone outside the family I can talk to. I've looked up relate and will get myself down there as soon as I can.

The kids are 14, 17, 19 and 22 so not little ones but the two youngest are at GCSE/GCE stage so could do without big upheaval right now. The eldest has been a great help.

I spoke to her this afternoon. She said again she wants me to move out, or for her to get a house and the kids move in with her. She suggested I go and live with my mother (I'm nearly 50 FFS) and she would send the kids to see me at the w/e - like that's going to happen (100 miles away). If I suggest we might have to close the loss-making business she says I'm making threats, I'm just trying to be realistic. It is on the verge of becoming viable, and I would hate to close it as much as she would, but it's like she wants to have everything: the businesses, the family, the house, her (expensive) horses, and for me to just disappear (but keep doing all I do to keep the businesses afloat).

She says that if she were to see a solicitor I would be forced out because the mother always gets the family home with the children until the youngest is 18. I'm not so sure. Everyone says I should stay put - her mother, her sisters, the eldest son, my mother and you lot on here. And me. So I will. It's not selfish, the kids need me too.
She sounds so rational when I speak to her, but not a single other person from that list can understand why she has decided to go this way.

Sorry for rambling.

The bombshell...

Folks,

A few months down the line and things have moved on a little. We have been to mediation. We have closed the loss-making business. I'm still here. She has found a house to rent. She has paid the lady she's staying with to the end of the month so hasn't moved in yet.

I've just done a bad thing.

Yesterday I needed her sister's new address to send a Christmas card. Her filofax is on the windowsill here. I know bad things will happen if you read what you shouldn't, but I saw some bank statements. She has opened a deposit account and paid in some large cash amounts. So much for the "full disclosure" with the mediator she keeps alleging I'm not doing. More fool me. I suspect this is why I've had problems reconciling the cash for the business. Then I saw something odd entries in the diary, so could not stop looking further. Then the bombshell: she's pregnant. OMG.

I've only myself to blame for finding this. But surely this is something she should have brought up at mediation? She has always sworn blind there's no-one else and wants to be by herself. Do I have no right to know this - we are separated after all. But surely this changes things - quite a lot? Someone help me out here - does this make any difference, if so what?

This is doing my head in.

Developments.......

She will definitely continue with the pregnancy, and no it's not mine, we were sleeping together until the day before she walked out (saying she'd hated me for years) but the pregnancy is October and anyway I had the snip 15 years ago. I would be surprised at a one night stand, but then nothing is making sense so it's possible. I think the "lady" she was staying with is not and that's why she was so secretive (her family and close friends all asked me where she was staying as they didn't know). I really really hope it isn't who I think it is for her sake.

As for the cash, well I've said I can't reconcile the cash account and can I have any petty cash receipts. It's unlikely to reconcile after that either (it is missing very many thousands - I feel so stupid, all the time she's been accusing me of not being trustworthy). Then I will have to raise it again. What if she doesn't reveal it to mediation? She opens all my mail and has even kept most of my bank statements, so it will be a bit much for her to object that I've seen hers. Especially as it's at best breaking the mutual disclosure, but in reality probably theft.

She would not need to squirrel away any money, she's got full access to joint cash at the moment and after settlement she'll have half of everything including my future earnings. It's quite curious.

You're so right mrcharly and I always try to see the best, if she told me I'd say congratulations. A lot of things over the last year now slot into place, and if she told me I'd genuinely be pleased that she's happy, but instead of that she's trying to do me for as much as she can get - emotionally and financially.

Friends? I wouldn't be posting all this shit on here if I had that option.

As things stand.....

Thanks for all the advice and hugs.

There are still joint accounts - I have attempted/started to separate which is why we each now have another personal account, but as mediation is still ongoing it is not my place to say how much of our complicated but meagre income is given to each of us. Peter you are right there may be no connection, but separately (a) there is a LOT of cash going missing from the business and this must be addressed and (b) wherever the money in her account came from, it should be declared in the same was as everything I have is declared. Oh and in three weeks time I'm going to be hauled over the coals by Revenue & Excise for not being able to pay the corporation tax bill, which could have been paid with the missing cash.

But the important thing is the kids and whatever I do I have to be extremely careful not to give any opportunity or excuse for my relationship with them to be broken up, and she is desperate for me to make such a mistake. So right now we've just decorated a crazy looking Christmas tree and now we're going to sit down to watch plan 9 from outer space, so things are actually pretty good - the important things.

Clairep

why do so many people, usually guys, end up wth someone who doesn't like the outdoors or any kind of sport ...

verylonglegs

Clairep wrote:

why do so many people, usually guys, end up wth someone who doesn't like the outdoors or any kind of sport ...

Er probably because the number of men who enjoy sport far outweighs the number of women? If every man waited until he met a woman who shares his hobbies and interests before commencing a relationship then the human race would probably die out pretty quickly.

de_sisti

Clairep wrote:

why do so many people, usually guys, end up wth someone who doesn't like the outdoors or any kind of sport ...

To a lot of people, cycling, is that day in the summer, when the temperature is above 70 degrees centrigrade,
and they're travelling <10 mph on some isolated trail somewhere. Anything more than that, to them, is an obsession. :roll:

Smokin Joe

Di Sisti,

Jesus Christ, what a mess. I really feel for the poor guy.

de_sisti

I hope there's a satisfactory conclusion for him. I don't think I can add to the support he's getting
on the forum, but it looks like his wife has it in for him.

Sirius631

Ye Gods! I've been trying internet dating, and as bad as that has made me feel at times, I wasn't detered. Now I just want to kick the whole relationsip idea into touch!

daviesee

Clairep wrote:

why do so many people, usually guys, end up wth someone who doesn't like the outdoors or any kind of sport ...

I wil probably misquote this but here goes:-

A woman gets into a relationship thinking that the man will change.
A man gets into a relationship hoping that the woman won't change.

Both will be dissappointed.

Ben6899

Sirius631 wrote:

Ye Gods! I've been trying internet dating, and as bad as that has made me feel at times, I wasn't detered. Now I just want to kick the whole relationsip idea into touch!

Don't do that!

I consider myself very lucky and I'm sure some other members on here do as well. My girlfriend is lovely and positively encourages my cycling hobby just as I do with her hobbies. She also understands (genuinely) my frustration at not being able to get out on the bike (daylight?) or for a run (work committments?) and understands how that makes me feel. I don't understand (maybe I'm naive) how one can love someone else and at the same time have designs on crushing their passion for a certain passtime.

We all need our own time and space to remain sane. And having something positive to do in that time and space can only be a good thing FOR BOTH PARTIES.

I should add a footnote that my girlfriend enjoys watching cycling races and has been to watch the TdF twice (once with me) so maybe this skews things [positively] a little!

bobtbuilder

I was given a similar ultimatum 2 years ago. Ok, we weren't married but we had been together for 7 years and lived together for 6 of those.

I was so angry at the time - I have always ridden and she knew that when we got together. My quantity of riding didn't really change during our time together, but she just got increasingly annoyed by it.

When given the ultimatum I chose to end the relationship beacuse a) I don't want to be with anyone who imposes ultimatums (unless the behaviour in question was damaging, etc.) and b) because I could live without her but I couldn't live without cycling.

The next year or so was difficult as I had to move out of our home, chose to move area to be closer to work and it took time to make new friends, etc.

Now it's approaching 2 years since I chose to leave and things couldn't be better. I am now seeing an active woman, who although she doesn't cycle herself, is fully supportive of me doing so, and has active hobbies of her own which I am supportive of. Most weekends we spend 1 day together and 1 day indulging in our other passions. We mix & match our evenings around each other's hobbies.

I hope my story is of some use to you.

Cleat Eastwood

Ben6899 wrote:

Sirius631 wrote:

Ye Gods! I've been trying internet dating, and as bad as that has made me feel at times, I wasn't detered. Now I just want to kick the whole relationsip idea into touch!

Don't do that!

I consider myself very lucky and I'm sure some other members on here do as well. My girlfriend is lovely and positively encourages my cycling hobby just as I do with her hobbies. She also understands (genuinely) my frustration at not being able to get out on the bike (daylight?) or for a run (work committments?) and understands how that makes me feel. I don't understand (maybe I'm naive) how one can love someone else and at the same time have designs on crushing their passion for a certain passtime.

We all need our own time and space to remain sane. And having something positive to do in that time and space can only be a good thing FOR BOTH PARTIES.

I should add a footnote that my girlfriend enjoys watching cycling races and has been to watch the TdF twice (once with me) so maybe this skews things [positively] a little!

She sounds great - how do you feel about sharing?

trekker12

I have to add to the above by starting with what works for one doesn't for another so read all of this thread with your mind open and do what you feel is right for you.

I A year ago I had an ultimatum and chose the hobby. Our relationship was already very oppressive, anything I did which didn't involve her she was very jealous of, she wouldn't get to know my friends or family and as the relationship went on her attitude just got worse. When the ultimatum came it was an easy decision.

I'm now with a girl who appreciates me for who I am, allows me my hobbies and she has hers but our time together is also special for both of us. We did buy her a bike and on a Sunday we tend to go for a gentle 30 or so miles which is a nice recovery for me after a Saturday club ride and it's giving her confidence and building fitness as well as quality time together.

She does happen to like sport so I suppose that helps but I do believe we are very compatible anyway.

p.s. don't just try internet dating, I met her at a singles dinner dance!

Cleat Eastwood

trekker12 wrote:

I have to add to the above by starting with what works for one doesn't for another so read all of this thread with your mind open and do what you feel is right for you.

I A year ago I had an ultimatum and chose the hobby. Our relationship was already very oppressive, anything I did which didn't involve her she was very jealous of, she wouldn't get to know my friends or family and as the relationship went on her attitude just got worse. When the ultimatum came it was an easy decision.

I'm now with a girl who appreciates me for who I am, allows me my hobbies and she has hers but our time together is also special for both of us. We did buy her a bike and on a Sunday we tend to go for a gentle 30 or so miles which is a nice recovery for me after a Saturday club ride and it's giving her confidence and building fitness as well as quality time together.

She does happen to like sport so I suppose that helps but I do believe we are very compatible anyway.

p.s. don't just try internet dating, I met her at a singles dinner dance!

She sounds great - how do you feel about sharing?

Ben6899

Cleat Eastwood wrote:

Ben6899 wrote:

She sounds great - how do you feel about sharing?

She is. Sorry mate, no chance.

Cleat Eastwood

Fiddlesticks - oh well.

Coincidentally I came across this on my travels toward Om -

"When you understand that life is one of the most luscious learning experiences, that all you experience comes from how you think, that you can improve the level of what you think about and improve this experience, at this point you become relaxed, in a harmonious state, peaceful about your life and happy with everything because of your conscious recognition about what is really happening. This is something controlling personalities need to learn.

Without this understanding, you live a life with much fear, hard work, and the struggle to gain security, harmony, and well-being through living in the box of control. You will work hard to maintain this control. You will exercise this control over the money you earn, the relationships in your life, the status you find acceptable, or, you may find this understanding through your inner world using mental practice and discipline.

Some people are control freaks, and rigidly control “things external” to themselves because they don’t understand their thought governs all they experience. Control freaks might appear wealthy and healthy and happy, but I know they live in constant fear of losing control."