Bestest Put down ever......

rick_chasey

Last week Stewart Lee said this of ITV's favourite presenter: "Adrian Chiles is a speaking Toby Jug filled to the brim with hot p!ss"

I thought it was amusing.

asprilla

Coach H wrote:

As a much younger man, I finally after weeks of provarication approached a girl I particularly liked the look of in the pub.

"Er.... could I buy you a drink?" I asked

Without a pause in a serious tone with a hard stare she replied "What for?"

Without having anticipated this answer in any of my rehersals for this momentous event I was literally struck dumb and she turned round and started taliking to her friend as if I wasn't there. I literally left the pub and went home.

The put down still haunts me over 20 years later.

As it turns out, I found out years later that she had been waiting for me to approach her for weeks, when the time came she panicked and delivered the put down. She really fancied me but after that was too embarrased to speak to me again. Oh well that was teenage dating in the late 80's for you, it would all be done on Facebook now of course.

On a similar note an attractive girl I was at school with turned to me one night in the pub, looked me square in the eyes and said 'Chris, I really want casual sex'.

Completely unprepared for this (it's not a proposition I'd received before or since) I responded 'Well, I'm sure you'll find someone here tonight love.'

She did.

It wasn't me.

Still haunts me.

legendary27

A number of years ago I worked alongside a woman who was seriously overweight. One afternoon a recently-started female colleague sensitively enquired as the reason for her size, to which she replied 'It is a glandular problem'. Quick as a flash one of our less sympathetic male colleagues replied 'Yes, she has a gland that makes her a greedy b@st@rd !'.

Cruel, but amusing !

Regards,
Gordon

sketchley

Asprilla wrote:

Coach H wrote:

As a much younger man, I finally after weeks of provarication approached a girl I particularly liked the look of in the pub.

"Er.... could I buy you a drink?" I asked

Without a pause in a serious tone with a hard stare she replied "What for?"

Without having anticipated this answer in any of my rehersals for this momentous event I was literally struck dumb and she turned round and started taliking to her friend as if I wasn't there. I literally left the pub and went home.

The put down still haunts me over 20 years later.

As it turns out, I found out years later that she had been waiting for me to approach her for weeks, when the time came she panicked and delivered the put down. She really fancied me but after that was too embarrased to speak to me again. Oh well that was teenage dating in the late 80's for you, it would all be done on Facebook now of course.

On a similar note an attractive girl I was at school with turned to me one night in the pub, looked me square in the eyes and said 'Chris, I really want casual sex'.

Completely unprepared for this (it's not a proposition I'd received before or since) I responded 'Well, I'm sure you'll find someone here tonight love.'

She did.

It wasn't me.

Still haunts me.

Ah yes I think we all have a few of those.

"Chris do you think we will ever have sex", my response "Maybe one day if we're drunk enough" why why why why why did I say that, she was fit.... doh!

rick_chasey

Had a girl come into my bedroom in first year and said "I'm sooo horny, can you help?"

To which I responded with "buy yourself a dildo".

I did have GF at the time, but she wasn't at Uni, and it ended soon anyway.

so with hindsight - *fail*

graeme_s-2

Talking about the attention-whore coke-head girl at a party

<Me> - "She's all right in small doses"
<Other guy> - "Yeah, like cyanide"

CiB

We moved on to failing with the ladies?

My mate [genuine], doing really well in a disco, on the 4th dance, end of the evening ready for the slow ones & closure, and he asks her what she wants to with her life to which she says "I want to be an ambulance driver". Instead of agreeing with her about what a fantastic and exciting unusual career path that would be (always agree at that time of night), my chum stood back and without thinking it through blurted out "ambulance driver??? WTF do you wanna do that for". And she was gone, next taxi home with her mates.

UndercoverElephant

Sketchley wrote:

Asprilla wrote:

Coach H wrote:

As a much younger man, I finally after weeks of provarication approached a girl I particularly liked the look of in the pub.

"Er.... could I buy you a drink?" I asked

Without a pause in a serious tone with a hard stare she replied "What for?"

Without having anticipated this answer in any of my rehersals for this momentous event I was literally struck dumb and she turned round and started taliking to her friend as if I wasn't there. I literally left the pub and went home.

The put down still haunts me over 20 years later.

As it turns out, I found out years later that she had been waiting for me to approach her for weeks, when the time came she panicked and delivered the put down. She really fancied me but after that was too embarrased to speak to me again. Oh well that was teenage dating in the late 80's for you, it would all be done on Facebook now of course.

On a similar note an attractive girl I was at school with turned to me one night in the pub, looked me square in the eyes and said 'Chris, I really want casual sex'.

Completely unprepared for this (it's not a proposition I'd received before or since) I responded 'Well, I'm sure you'll find someone here tonight love.'

She did.

It wasn't me.

Still haunts me.

Ah yes I think we all have a few of those.

"Chris do you think we will ever have sex", my response "Maybe one day if we're drunk enough" why why why why why did I say that, she was fit.... doh!

To the pair of you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfSOumv-QQ4

TuckerUK

When in one of those never ending arguments with the intelligence challenged (funny, I've just had a thread like that a couple of days ago on another cycling forum):

I refuse to have a battle of wits with you! I was bought up never to pick on someone that was obviously defenceless!

dhope

TuckerUK wrote:

When in one of those never ending arguments with the intelligence challenged (funny, I've just had a thread like that a couple of days ago on another cycling forum):

I refuse to have a battle of wits with you! I was bought up never to pick on someone that was obviously defenceless!

Has anyone yet called you on misquoting Wilde?
Should be 'I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.'

flicksta

Two favourites from one of my best, and most offensive friends

On trying to pull a girl in a pub......

"What do you do love?"

She, obviously bored and uninterested says "I'm a pole dancer"

"Not with your shape.".

Then, when trying to pull the girlfriend of a bouncer in a very tough pub in Manchester, bouncer arrives

"Look mate, that's my missus, stay away from her"

"Sorry pal, I didn't realise it was your missus"

No harm done, until

"You see, I didn't realise it was your missus because I just saw her outside sucking some bloke's c**k"

All hell breaks loose.

Twostage

Churchill again...

He's in the bog when one his aids knocks on the door and tells him that the chancellor of the exchequer wants to see him. He replies "Tell him I can only deal with one sh!t at a time".

[I'm sure I'm going to get corrected as to exact job titles here]

Twostage

For those regretting passing up the chance of an easy one, console yourself with the thought that you have probably saved yourself a visit to the clinic.

NGale

A friend of ours who is over visiting from Oz had a good one when he came through Heathrow last week, smart arse immigration officer

"ah so returned to the scene of the crime then"

His response

"Well it coulld have been worse, I could have been the ancestor of an immigration controller"

And on cricket the other night

"Listen mate, what you don't understand is that once in a we just loan yo u the Ashes while we do a spring clean of the trophy cabinet"

BelgianBeerGeek

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception"

Groucho Marx

MarcBC

A couple of years ago I left the office at the same time as group of girls going off for a hen party. One of the prettier ones asked if I wanted to join them. I said thank you, but they did not need a fat old man with them that night.The response from another girl was "You are not that old"!

Many years ago a girlfriend asked why I got drunk so often. My response was "If you went out with yourself, you would get drunk too" The relationship ended at that point.

Another time whilst driving a car a motorcyclist called me a "myopic mental dwarf" I quite liked that one and have used it several times since.

mtb-idle

an MTB buddy was with a group of mates heading towards the inevitable bunch of teenage girls who wander around the Surrey Hills completing their DofE hikes or summat like that.

The girls were giggling as Nick and group rode towards them until one of them shouts out "Urrrr, no, they're a bunch of grandads!"

Nick is early 40's so whilst i guess it's biologically possible he was a little bit crushed inside...

Tonymufc

Whilst walking through work in my cycling gear (lycra obviously) one of my hairy a*rsed collegues says to me, "what ave you come dressed as". My response "I've come dressed as a cyclist where you've obviously come dressed as a fat b*****d". Job done, said collegue leaves the room.

cloggsy

Sketchley wrote:

I always thought this was Shane Warne until I googled it. I've been know to use this once or twice on my commute normally when a white wan man calls me a fat cnut.

"Why are you so fat?"
"Because every time I f*** your wife she gives me a biscuit."

Exchange between Glenn McGrath, the Australia bowler, and Eddo Brandes, the large Zimbabwean cricketer.

I think you'll find it was Merv Hughes and Graham Gooch?

EKE_38BPM

Who said that first is disputed, but it has been around for donkey's years.

Sticking to a sporting theme, in a baseball film (I can't remember which), the catcher is attempting to distract the batter and says "Hows your wife and my kids?"
Not a put down, but a great line.

And since I'm in a baseball film mood, in Mr Baseball Tom Selleck attempts to chat up a young Japanese woman with the line "Would you like to go for a free moustache ride?"
It didn't work.

veronese68

I once asked my kids which of them had done something, can't remember what. My 8 year old daughter immediately blamed the cat. Foolishly I asked if I looked like I was born yesterday. "not with those wrinkles" came the reply.
I was speechless, my son fell of the sofa in hysterics and proceeded to high five his sister. I left the room quietly impressed at a truly stunning put down, perfectly delivered. I'm dreading her teens.

EKE_38BPM

Oh, that is good. Looks like you've got a live one there!

walkingbootweather

The wife is getting ready for a big night out with the girls and is providing a critical review of her perceived shortcomings as she does so. "Haven't got the legs for that anymore", "Not sure I can fill that top", Can't wear that - it makes by bum look huge" etc.

Diplomatically I keep a respectful silence but blow it when she asks me outright if I can give her a positive opinion to which I reply "at least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight"

Expecting to be out of the dog house sometime soon.

Wheelspinner

Was at my best mate's house some years back, sitting round doing nothing as usual. He was a renowned smart-ar$e. He and his younger sister (who was really a perfectly nice girl) didn't really get on that well, often sniping at each other.

She'd always had a bit of a weight problem despite being surprisingly athletic. Anyhoo, she'd been on a strict diet, which was actually working for once.

So, she wanders into kitchen and asks...

"Do you think my face looks any thinner?"

Without looking up, mate replies:

"Why? Did you shave for once?"

Cruel sod.

sketchley

EKE_38BPM wrote:

Who said that first is disputed, but it has been around for donkey's years.

Sticking to a sporting theme, in a baseball film (I can't remember which), the catcher is attempting to distract the batter and says "Hows your wife and my kids?"
Not a put down, but a great line.

And since I'm in a baseball film mood, in Mr Baseball Tom Selleck attempts to chat up a young Japanese woman with the line "Would you like to go for a free moustache ride?"
It didn't work.

I think it was Ian Botham who replied "The wife fine but the kids are retarded"

EKE_38BPM

Sketchley wrote:

EKE_38BPM wrote:

Who said that first is disputed, but it has been around for donkey's years.

Sticking to a sporting theme, in a baseball film (I can't remember which), the catcher is attempting to distract the batter and says "Hows your wife and my kids?"
Not a put down, but a great line.

And since I'm in a baseball film mood, in Mr Baseball Tom Selleck attempts to chat up a young Japanese woman with the line "Would you like to go for a free moustache ride?"
It didn't work.

I think it was Ian Botham who replied "The wife fine but the kids are retarded"

Not in the film he didn't.

Obie

A scrote leans out of a car at a set of traffic lights and addresses three young females with,

"Oi Ugly!"

One turns around and swiftly replies with,

"F*ck Off"

Little scrote then says,

"I wasn't talking to you........Your F*cking ugly!"

Although completely unnecessary, it did make me chuckle.

sketchley

On a t-shirt at a music festival.

I haven't got tourettes you're just a c*nt

Made me chuckle.

fenboy369

Seen on FaceAche from one female friend (FF) to a male one (MF) whilst discussing what colour to re-spray a motor bike....

FF ... You took your time making your mind up about that!
MF... Must have been my feminine side....

CdrJake

Veronese68 wrote:

I once asked my kids which of them had done something, can't remember what. My 8 year old daughter immediately blamed the cat. Foolishly I asked if I looked like I was born yesterday. "not with those wrinkles" came the reply.
I was speechless, my son fell of the sofa in hysterics and proceeded to high five his sister. I left the room quietly impressed at a truly stunning put down, perfectly delivered. I'm dreading her teens.

The art of effective parenting in action