Bestest Put down ever......

gtvlusso

For me:

Cycling along the downs in Bristol a few years ago, nice warm, but windy day. Enjoying a little ride out, minding my own business. I had very long hair at the time:

Cue young chav walking along with mates:

"Look, it's Farrah Fawcett"....

I was shocked, surprised and completely burned, I had no come back at all....

And from my little girl:

My daughter shouts "<my Christian name> can you come into the kitchen"

I respond; "Yes, but you must call me daddy"

Her response: "okay <my christian name>"

Burned....

secretsam

I have a bit of an acid tongue:

Middle aged colleague (female) is giving me a hard time. I respond with:

"Christ, I'd say it was your time of the month, but I know you're a bit beyond all that at your age, aren't you?"

With which I walked off.

Apparently she just stood there with her mouth open for about a minute...

Gussio

SecretSam wrote:

I have a bit of an acid tongue:

Middle aged colleague (female) is giving me a hard time. I respond with:

"Christ, I'd say it was your time of the month, but I know you're a bit beyond all that at your age, aren't you?"

With which I walked off.

Apparently she just stood there with her mouth open for about a minute...

Paging the HR Department......

Kieran_Burns

I remember having a joke battle of the sexes argument with two girls in the office, where the following comment was made by one of the girls

"If all the men in the world died now, the human race would still survive ('cos of the pregnant women) BUT if all the women died, the human race would end!!"




"Yeah, but at least we'd die in peace"

was my response.

secretsam

Kieran_Burns wrote:

I remember having a joke battle of the sexes argument with two girls in the office, where the following comment was made by one of the girls

"If all the men in the world died now, the human race would still survive ('cos of the pregnant women) BUT if all the women died, the human race would end!!"




"Yeah, but at least we'd die in peace"

was my response.

You really need to be hearing a mahooosive roar of approval from the crowd when you bang one into the net like that. Top effort.

minardi

gtvlusso wrote:

For me:

Cycling along the downs in Bristol a few years ago, nice warm, but windy day. Enjoying a little ride out, minding my own business. I had very long hair at the time:

Cue young chav walking along with mates:

"Look, it's Farrah Fawcett"....

I was shocked, surprised and completely burned, I had no come back at all....

And from my little girl:

My daughter shouts "<my Christian name> can you come into the kitchen"

I respond; "Yes, but you must call me daddy"

Her response: "okay <my christian name>"

Burned....

I used to have long hair. A real abuse magnet....

Best one I ever got was:

"Hey, you - The barber has a warrant out for your arrest"

EKE_38BPM

Once when cycling in heavy traffic an idiot in an M-Class was itching to overtake (even though it was pointless) and that lead to driving too close, trying to overtake at pinch points and beeping. When the opportunity arose, I moved over from primary to let the Merc pass, which they did, swearing, gesticulating and beeping their horn as they did.
A few seconds later I caught up to them at a red light and as I passed them I looked at the driver and asked if all of that effort worth it and was greated with a stream of expletives.

"Wow!" says I, "You've managed to acheive the Trifecta"
"Trifecta? Wots that?" says stupid driver.
"You are fat, ugly AND stupid" says I.

The lights then changed and I rode off leaving them fuming in traffic.

sketchley

"I Fart In Your General Direction!"

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries."

"Now go away or i shall taunt you a second time."

tim_wand

Being a bit of a skin flint like most people I will flick through the articles of a cycling mag in the shop first to see if there's anything i m interested in before commiting the money.

I can understand the shop assistants annoyance at this common abuse of their stock and there usual reposte is

"This Isnt a library"

Which usually results in me saying

" Obviously or they would need to employ someone with better qualifications than you"



My old mans response to the comment of

"Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes"


Was always "Sure then I ll have the silly buggers shoes and be a mile away from him"

mike23864

I used to work in an A&E Department and one day this irate chap (probably under the influence and annoyed at not getting his own way) dropped his trousers and started waving his gentleman parts at one of the Senior A&E Sisters who was in her late 50's and resembled Joyce Grenfell.

"I bet you don't know what this is?" he shouts.

She put on her glasses, and without a flicker of amusement responded:






"It looks like a penis......................................................... only smaller"

Patient, now subdued, slinks off.

Classic

ride_whenever

My favourite put down, i think came off here:

Who lit the wick on your tampon?

DonDaddyD

gtvlusso wrote:

For me:

Cycling along the downs in Bristol a few years ago, nice warm, but windy day. Enjoying a little ride out, minding my own business. I had very long hair at the time:

Cue young chav walking along with mates:

"Look, it's Farrah Fawcett"....

I was shocked, surprised and completely burned, I had no come back at all....

And from my little girl:

My daughter shouts "<my Christian name> can you come into the kitchen"

I respond; "Yes, but you must call me daddy"

Her response: "okay <my christian name>"

Burned....

"Nearly a DDD thread"

Burned!!!

gtvlusso

DonDaddyD wrote:

gtvlusso wrote:

For me:

Cycling along the downs in Bristol a few years ago, nice warm, but windy day. Enjoying a little ride out, minding my own business. I had very long hair at the time:

Cue young chav walking along with mates:

"Look, it's Farrah Fawcett"....

I was shocked, surprised and completely burned, I had no come back at all....

And from my little girl:

My daughter shouts "<my Christian name> can you come into the kitchen"

I respond; "Yes, but you must call me daddy"

Her response: "okay <my christian name>"

Burned....

"Nearly a DDD thread"

Burned!!!

Why I oughta........

EKE_38BPM

mike23864 wrote:

I used to work in an A&E Department and one day this irate chap (probably under the influence and annoyed at not getting his own way) dropped his trousers and started waving his gentleman parts at one of the Senior A&E Sisters who was in her late 50's and resembled Joyce Grenfell.

"I bet you don't know what this is?" he shouts.

She put on her glasses, and without a flicker of amusement responded:






"It looks like a penis......................................................... only smaller"

Patient, now subdued, slinks off.

Classic

Mrs Merton said the same thing. Can't find it on Youtube to prove it though.

coopster_the_1st

Best one I can recall is:

"If I wanted to listen to an arsehole, i'd fart!"

blu3cat

Overheard somone talking to a bearded person:

"just because you have hair around your mouth doesn't mean you have to talk like a C***"

Insert your own gender specific genital slang word

dhope

mike23864 wrote:

I used to work in an A&E Department and one day this irate chap (probably under the influence and annoyed at not getting his own way) dropped his trousers and started waving his gentleman parts at one of the Senior A&E Sisters who was in her late 50's and resembled Joyce Grenfell.

"I bet you don't know what this is?" he shouts.

She put on her glasses, and without a flicker of amusement responded:






"It looks like a penis......................................................... only smaller"

Patient, now subdued, slinks off.

Classic

Confusedboy

Comment from a mate about a somewhat highly strung lady of our aquaintance-'She gets suicidal sometimes'.

Response from yours truly-'Yeah, but never quite enough.......'

Another favourite for people who claim they've 'never been so insulted'-'oh, c'mon, you must've been!'.

sketchley

I always thought this was Shane Warne until I googled it. I've been know to use this once or twice on my commute normally when a white wan man calls me a fat cnut.

"Why are you so fat?"
"Because every time I f*** your wife she gives me a biscuit."

Exchange between Glenn McGrath, the Australia bowler, and Eddo Brandes, the large Zimbabwean cricketer.

rick_chasey

We all know the Churchill put-down...

Something like - "Churchill, if were your wife, I'd poison your tea"

"Madame, if I were your husband, I 'd drink it".

Pwnage.

Twostage

OT but I can't resist :-

A man is watching his granddaughter playing in the garden. He goes over and asks what she is doing. She holds up a worm and says "I've just pulled this worm out of that hole". The man smiles and says "I bet you a pound you can't put it back in". At this the girl runs into the house and returns a few minutes later with the worm stiff as a board and she slides it back into the hole. The grandad, taken aback, hands over a pound and then asks how she did it. "Easy" she said "I just sprayed it with some of my big sister's hair spray".
The next day the grandad calls the girl over and says "Here's a pound for you".
"You've already given me a pound" says the girl.
"I know" says the grandad "this is from your Gran".

sketchley

Ahh Churchill.

“'You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk."

'Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober."

Coach H

As a much younger man, I finally after weeks of provarication approached a girl I particularly liked the look of in the pub.

"Er.... could I buy you a drink?" I asked

Without a pause in a serious tone with a hard stare she replied "What for?"

Without having anticipated this answer in any of my rehersals for this momentous event I was literally struck dumb and she turned round and started taliking to her friend as if I wasn't there. I literally left the pub and went home.

The put down still haunts me over 20 years later.

As it turns out, I found out years later that she had been waiting for me to approach her for weeks, when the time came she panicked and delivered the put down. She really fancied me but after that was too embarrased to speak to me again. Oh well that was teenage dating in the late 80's for you, it would all be done on Facebook now of course.

notsoblue

Coach H wrote:

Oh well that was teenage dating in the late 80's for you, it would all be done on Facebook now of course.

Probably the same now, but with a wider audience, and more ":("

antikythera

A friends (old school) father opened a door for a women, indignantly she proclaimed

"I hope you didn't open because I'm a women"

Calmly and collected his response was:

"No, I opened it because I'm a gentleman"

secretsam

notsoblue wrote:

Coach H wrote:

Oh well that was teenage dating in the late 80's for you, it would all be done on Facebook now of course.

Probably the same now, but with a wider audience, and more ":("

Unless she took out a gagging order

The Rookie

Rick Chasey wrote:

We all know the Churchill put-down...

Something like - "Churchill, if were your wife, I'd poison your tea"

"Madame, if I were your husband, I 'd drink it".

Pwnage.

Lady Astor, and I thought it was coffee?

Simon

antikythera

This thread reminded me of my last meeting with my ex. We'd finished a settlement meeting with the lawyers and everything was done and dusted. Only thing remaining was to get the paper work written up and signed.

All four of us left the floor in the same lift, we go down one floor and both lawyers exit, leaving me and the ex to endure a uncomfortable silence to the ground floor.

As we reach the ground floor the ex says "I feel a headache coming on", quick as a whip I responded with "I think mines going away"

rick_chasey

The Beginner wrote:

Rick Chasey wrote:

We all know the Churchill put-down...

Something like - "Churchill, if were your wife, I'd poison your tea"

"Madame, if I were your husband, I 'd drink it".

Pwnage.

Lady Astor, and I thought it was coffee?

Simon

*shrugs*

I put the "something like" because I wasn't sure.

mudcow007

i like simple ones like..

someone says your fat etc

come back with, yeah but i can lose weight, your always going to ugly

Gussio

Was your mother a weightlifter? She must have been to raise a dumbell like you!