One sentence cycling letters

Red Rider

Dear Rear Derailleur,

Without using either of the phrases "poor chain maintenance" or "bodged repair whilst out riding" could you please explain why you are currently residing between the spokes of my rear wheel?

Eagerly awaiting vindication,
Red Rider

Mr Plum

Dear legs,

Headwinds are good for you, shut up.

Yours,

In Pain of Portsmouth

SamWise72

Dear Brompton

2 shifters is one too many for 6 speeds

I remain your faithful servant

Sam

EKE_38BPM

Dear Front Wheel,

I've cleaned you, stripped you down, lubed the bits that need lubing, checked your spokes are tensioned and that your nipples are tight so please stop making that annoying ticking noise.

Thanks in advance.

EKE

CiB

cyclopsbiker wrote:

Dear God,

I don't think CiB is playing by the rules, the post title afterall is "One sentence cycling letters" and his last post was 3 sentences so please therefore ignore his posts and agree that I win with regards to the wind.

yours,
playing by the title of the post Cyclopsbiker.

And verily He did smile on CiB, saying ye who hath posteth many posts more than the CyclopsBiker and doth produce the Stats board for the Brethren, ye shall have a good wind to go home with and not ye Johnie-come-lately Cyclops fellow even though ho can produce in one sentence what CiB takes more than 7 to say such is his windiness, and it was so that the wind did blow to the east, to the promised lands neareth to the Keynes of Milton, to where CiB would travel a score and more miles to shepherd his flock, and to share the evening tea, and to partake of the bathing of the children, and the reading of the bedtime story, and the drinking of the red wine, and the seeing of Doth Ye Prophets Have News For Ye (in HD, which is good), and the wind was good especially unto the first village which CiB did approach at a fantastic velocity, the abacus upon the handlebars indicating nigh on 40 cubits per candle mark, a speed that the lawmakers of the Thames Valley not wisheth us to achieve, but they be park-ed in a layby on the A34 nearer to the spires of Oxford, drinking the tea from their flasks and eating the chips from their newspaper, and CiB verily did motor forgetting even the small hump back bridge that did cause him to gasp upon realising that mistake when that mistake was too close to do much about it, and he did become momentarily airbourne, to shouts of 'forsooth, ye gads', especially upon the landing of the mechancial donkey upon which he doth propel heself around the lanes having traded the ass for a carbon road rocket but 1 year since, and the wind was good, but the flimsy lamp brackets of the Eye of the Cat made of cheap plastic were not good, and the light it did fail where it be most needed unless ye do count the light pointeth straight at the floor as good, and it was not, but ye C of B did continue to motor verily especially through the town of Buckingham near to Tesco with a good wind up his gillet, where the peasants in their stationary chariots do note with displeasure his speed and ability to avoid ye snarl up, and though they do catch and pass him further along the A421 he do still go like ye clappers, nigh on 40 cubits now as the wind does blow well upon him for most of the journey to the homestead, near to where He doth admire this burst of speed, but He doth thinketh to Himself 'this fellow gaineth too much fun for my liking', and does visit upon Cof B a visit from the Angel of the Unscheduled Deflation, whereupon C of B does protesteth to the heavens, offering many blasphemies to the sheep, and the donkeys, and the lo-ing catlle in the next field, and doth smile, for the wind, it was good, and it was his, not that of CycleopsBiker, which was only fair.

cyclopsbiker

Dear CiB

I am most pleased that the wind did bloweth in your favour but most put out by the fact that the Angel of the Unscheduled Deflation paid you a visit - I shall be having words with that little tinker later.

yours, amused and smiling
Cyclopsbiker

Kieran_Burns

Just for the record: CiB is a virgin.

It really does explain a great deal.

Mr Plum

Dear MPV,

Thanks for the 1.8 mile tow down London Road, halving my ETA in a brutal headwind.

Forever grateful,

Mr Plum

Initialised

Dear Gateshead Council,

Painting white lines and bike symbols on that shoddy, bumpy potholed stretch of tarmac you call Queensway wont get me out of the smooth bit down the middle, please resurface before wasting my tax £s on paint.

lost_in_thought

Dear everyone else,

Do feel free to try and write a better post than CiB, operative word: 'try'...

Kind regards.

Olivia

johnny2legs

Dear Ride Home

At least it wasn't raining.

Kind Regards

Mr 2legs

waddlie

Dear Bike,

While I do, of course, feel incredibly guilty for abandoning you in the bike locker at work for 24 hours before dismantling you to take you home in the back of the car, I don't thinking sulking in the shed with a bent mudguard or covering my fingers in oil when I put you back together is an appropriate way of making your feelings known - a puncture or something would have been much more appropriate.

Love,

Waddlie

soundninjauk

lost_in_thought wrote:

Dear everyone else,

Do feel free to try and write a better post than CiB, operative word: 'try'...

Kind regards.

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Going forward from this pre-planning stage, I suspect that actioning your client side request presents a unique challenge to the platform atheistic product vendor, which will require both 180 and 360 degree thinking to deliver appropriate vendor neutral solutions down the delivery pipeline.

Yours,

Ed

jonginge

soundninjauk wrote:

lost_in_thought wrote:

Dear everyone else,

Do feel free to try and write a better post than CiB, operative word: 'try'...

Kind regards.

Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Going forward from this pre-planning stage, I suspect that actioning your client side request presents a unique challenge to the platform atheistic product vendor, which will require both 180 and 360 degree thinking to deliver appropriate vendor neutral solutions down the delivery pipeline.

Yours,

Ed

Dear Ed,

Bingo, that is all.

Regards,

Jon

SamWise72

Dear Headwind

In my first 3 days back on the bike, I covered approaching 60 miles in 3 different cities, in all possible directions; you're clearly doing it on purpose, so give me a break!

Love and embellishments

Sam

shouldbeinbed

Dear Oldham Council

You chose to put an entirely unneccesary island in the middle of Hollns Road; thinning it to little more than a car width to pass through at this point; painting 20 feet of cycle lane in the gutter does not magicaly make the road a bit wider here.

yours in physics

SBIB

shouldbeinbed

Dear motorists of the Greater Manchester area

Overall I experience more courtesy and patience than selfishness and idiocy

thank you


PS, to the selfish idiots, I've asked Santa for a frame mounted flame thrower

jzed

Dear Millbank WoW,

As you've been working so hard of late, we think its time you took a well-deserved holiday, enjoy your trip and see you in a few weeks,

Kind regards

Millbank Cyclists

Kieran_Burns

Dear SCR

the lord of the big ring
did ride like a rocket
his heart did sing
as he span the small sprocket

his joy was short liv-ed
with weather most foul
on the road he did skid
wet leaves on the prow-el

crashing to the ground
the lord did wonder
"was my line sound
was this my blunder?"

sitting upon the Earth
the Lord in pain
"is this all worth
Doing it again?"

The Lord did think
realising in his crash
his heart did sink
and his dreams become ash

but the Lord is a great man
his heart most true
He would continue his plan
He would see this through

So the Lord of the Ring
did remount his steed
again his heart did sing
he set off at speed

but Fate is fickle
as he did discover
for the Fairy did tickle
and he had a puncture

"F*ck this"
he thought
"I give up"
and a taxi he caught.


Yours Kieran

hatbeard

Dear Kieran



respectfully
hatbeard

tailwindhome

Dear Caad 5

Pay no heed to her, of course you can live in the new kitchen.

Regards

TWH

SamWise72

Dear HatBeard

You know what would go well with that beard?

Wishing you a warm head


Sam

hatbeard

Samwise

thank you for your correspondance dated 05/10/2010, pray tell, What would go well with my beard?

Get well soon
HB

SamWise72

Dear HatBeard

Further to our previous correspondence; a hat.

Cranial cosinesses

Sam

Plumby Baby

EKE_38BPM

I did pretty much the same and then noticed after weeks of head scratching that it was a single spoke clicking against the wireless sensor coming off the front fork.

Laugh? I nearly brought my own beer.

Plumby Baby

^^^^

Err...sorry...dunno how to insert quotes.

*gets coat*

shouldbeinbed

Plumby Baby wrote:

^^^^

Err...sorry...dunno how to insert quotes.

*gets coat*

theres a button at the top of each post that says quote, click on it and you're away.


or you can type: {quote} insert text here {/quote}

but use [ ] brackets instead of { } ones

Norky

Dear self,
You are too slow; ride faster.
Love, I.

il_principe

Dear Pinarello,

Please give me a brand new, range topping bike at least once a year, for free.

Yours in eager anticipation,

IP

hatbeard

Sorry you were out
Time: 15:55                    Date: 05/10/2010

Item No: 4CMEM0U53TR4PS

Name: DDD
Address: 123 where you live       Postcode: AW5 0ME

We're looking after your:

[  ] wiggle order

[  ] weekly comic delivery

[  ] dry cleaned star trek uniform

[X] extra large box of mousetraps


Because:

[ ] You were too busy playing STO to answer the door

[X] You were taking a colleague out for dinner to apologise for saying she stinks



Please leave [ 24 ] hours before attempting to collect your item

Items not collected from the Royal Fail depot within 7 days will be returned to sender