My favourite joke. What's yours?

Stewie Griffin

Aggieboy wrote:

I had to go to Hospital for a check up today. The nurse told me I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked "Why?" she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!!" :oops:

I really did burst out laughing at that :P

black flash

A rabbit walks into a shop and says, 'I'd like to buy some carrots please'.

The guy says, 'we don't sell carrots, this is a fish and chip shop'.

Next day, the rabbit goes into the shop and says 'I'd like to buy some carrots please'.

The guy says, 'I told you yesterday, we don't sell carrots, this is a fish and chip shop'.

Next day, the rabbit goes into the shop and says 'I'd like to buy some carrots please'.

The guy says, 'I told you yesterday, we don't sell carrots, this is a fish and chip shop. If you come in here again, I'll nail your paws to the counter'.

Next day, the rabbit goes into the shop and says 'I'd like to buy some nails please'.

The guy says, 'we don't sell nails'.

The rabbit says 'can I have some carrots then please'.

jp1985

Whats long, green and smells like bacon?














Kermits middle finger

BigG67

Guy walks into a pub and says "I'd like a double whisky I'm celebrating". Barman asks what's the big occasion.

"Just had my first blowjob" replies the man.

Barman exclaims, "Whisky......you should have champagne"

"Nah", says the bloke, "it'd never take the taste away"

BigG67

Two of a similar nature....

For the Scots (including myself) -

Glaswegian goes into a cake shop and asks "Is that a donut or a meringue?". Guys says "no you're right, it's a donut"

Then for the Yorkshire crew -

Man goes into a jewellers and asks "can ah 'ave a gold statue of m' dog"

"Ah ye can" says the jeweller. "Would you like et 18 carat?"

"Nah" says the man "I'd like et chewin bone!"

takethehighroad

Stewie Griffin wrote:

Aggieboy wrote:

I had to go to Hospital for a check up today. The nurse told me I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked "Why?" she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!!" :oops:

I really did burst out laughing at that :P

Then this one's just for you.

"Man goes to the doctor's and says "Doctor I've been having a problem with my heart recently, is there any advice you can give me?"

The doctor replies "Can I ask you a personal question? Do you masterbate?"

"Well, yes, doctor, why do you ask?"

"It's magic isn't it?"

!!!

Stewie Griffin

TakeTheHighRoad wrote:

Stewie Griffin wrote:

Aggieboy wrote:

I had to go to Hospital for a check up today. The nurse told me I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked "Why?" she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!!" :oops:

I really did burst out laughing at that :P

Then this one's just for you.

"Man goes to the doctor's and says "Doctor I've been having a problem with my heart recently, is there any advice you can give me?"

The doctor replies "Can I ask you a personal question? Do you masterbate?"

"Well, yes, doctor, why do you ask?"

"It's magic isn't it?"

!!!

Its a cure all and it doesnt make you go blind (I hope )

takethehighroad

Stewie Griffin wrote:

TakeTheHighRoad wrote:

Stewie Griffin wrote:

Aggieboy wrote:

I had to go to Hospital for a check up today. The nurse told me I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked "Why?" she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!!" :oops:

I really did burst out laughing at that :P

Then this one's just for you.

"Man goes to the doctor's and says "Doctor I've been having a problem with my heart recently, is there any advice you can give me?"

The doctor replies "Can I ask you a personal question? Do you masterbate?"

"Well, yes, doctor, why do you ask?"

"It's magic isn't it?"

!!!

Its a cure all and it doesnt make you go blind (I hope )

There's a reason I wear glasses........

It's genetic lol

Tempestas

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

padonbike

johnfinch wrote:

A man goes to his priest, looking for advice.

"Father, I need your help. The other day I saw my wife leaning over the freezer and she has such a gorgeous bottom, I couldn't help myself. I took her there and then. Can I still go to heaven."

"Well, as she is your wife, there is no punishment for sexual relations, so yes, of course you can still go to heaven."

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"That's good, cos I'm not allowed into Tesco anymore."

well done John Finch. I've just been reading all these jokes in an office full of other people seriously working away ... and this is the joke that made me laugh out loud!
well done mate

Eau Rouge

Tempestas wrote:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

As an Irishman, and a Corkman,I can assure you this could only happen in Kerry.

Tempestas

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again"

Nuggs

In the middle of a live U2 gig, all goes quiet and Bono starts clicking his fingers into the mic.

"Everytime I do this. A child in Africa dies" says Bono

So someone in the audience shouts: "Well stop doing it then"

Aggieboy

Sorry,couldn't resist posting another one:-

A blokes business is going tits up due to the credit crunch. He has to lay someone off and decides it's between Dawn or Jack, but can't choose which one. He decides that whoever goes to the coffee machine first the next morning will be the one he lays off. Sitting in his office next morning he sees Dawn waddle up to the coffee machine desperate for a coffee due to a steaming hangover. He goes up to her and says "Sorry about this but I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off" she turns to him and says, "Would you mind jacking off because I feel like shite!!" :roll:

Frank the tank

My auntie Marjorie's hypochondria has now got so bad we no longer call her Marge, we call her.........................

I can't believe she's not better.

harryflashman

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was angry and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

---

Ronald McDonald was worried about a dip in the sales at McDonalds, so he turned to the Pope for help.

"Holy Father, I need you to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day, our daily bread' to 'Give us this day, our daily burger'," he says.

"I can't do that." said the Pope. "It's the Lord's Prayer."

After a further dip in sales Ronald makes another appeal. "I'll give you £50 million if you'll change the prayer."

"Sorry!" says the Pope. "No can do."

"I'll give you £150 million then.", says Ronald, getting desperate. "You can do a lot of good work with all that."

"I'll get back to you," says the Pope.

The next day the Pope addressed his Cardinals, saying "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. We are going to get $150 million from McDonalds to do good work around the world."

All the Cardinals let out a mighty cheer!

"The bad news," said the Pope, "...is we are going to lose the Hovis
account"

morite

Two dyslexics in a car

One turns to the other and says "Can you smell petrol?"

The other one replies "F off, I can't even spell my own name"

feel

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac ?

He used to lie awake at night worrying if there was a dog :oops:

konanige

Ibought a new deodorant today, the instructions said remove top and push up bottom.





Im in casualty right now, but at least my farts smell great!

STEFANOS4784

What have a chicken and a grape got in common?


They're both purple exept for the chicken, and the grape sometimes!



Sorry i read that somewhere and has stuck in my mind as the worst joke in history :P

Crapaud

What's red and goes "putt, putt, putt"?













An outboard tomato!

(Classic!)

e999sam

Nothing worse than after having sex looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick!
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

onehipwonder

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road.









A. Coz he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.

Sorry :oops:

BazookaMoor

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Dam !!!!!!!!!

howiejmidlands

My thick mate said to me this morning, will you help me with this jigsaw of a tiger.

I said "put the bloody Frosties back in the box"

howiejmidlands

Sad news about Tony Hart.

I understand his funeral has been pencilled in for Friday

sward29

How do you get a fat bird into bed?



Piece of Cake.

...............................................................................

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your c*ck up your girlfriend's ar*e.


..............................................................................

pottssteve

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?


































Wi jam in

larmurf

GraemeT wrote:

They're never quite as funny the second time are they

I noticed a friend of mine in the local bar talking to himself. When I asked him what he
was talking about, he said he was telling himself a story.
When I asked him if it was it any good he replied:
"Naw I heard it before"

pipsqueak

What do sprouts and pubic hair have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You brush them both to the side and carry on eating.