My favourite joke. What's yours?
Aggieboy
Posts: 3,996
If a girl feels uneasy watching you w*nk, do you think :-
a) you should spend more time together,
b) she's a prude, or,
c) she should sit somewhere else on the bus.
a) you should spend more time together,
b) she's a prude, or,
c) she should sit somewhere else on the bus.
"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."
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Why did the hedgehog cross the road.....
To see his flat mate
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Doctor Doctor, I think I am going deaf.
OK then, tell me the symptoms.
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Lisa, Marge, Homer................
TAXI !!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
A 13 year old Burnley fan wrote a letter to Dear Diedre in the Sun. She wrote, "Dear Diedre, Im 13 years old and still a virgin, do you think my brother is gay?"0
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A man goes to his priest, looking for advice.
"Father, I need your help. The other day I saw my wife leaning over the freezer and she has such a gorgeous bottom, I couldn't help myself. I took her there and then. Can I still go to heaven."
"Well, as she is your wife, there is no punishment for sexual relations, so yes, of course you can still go to heaven."
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"That's good, cos I'm not allowed into Tesco anymore."0 -
davelakers wrote:A 13 year old Burnley fan wrote a letter to Dear Diedre in the Sun. She wrote, "Dear Diedre, Im 13 years old and still a virgin, do you think my brother is gay?" 0
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One from my co-worker:
Him: What do you call a black airline captain?
Me: I don't know.
Him: A pilot, you racist!
Methinks he's been watching too much Airplane recently.0 -
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef...Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.0 -
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns and says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
Don't know why, but that still has the capacity to set me off 15 years after first hearing it“It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best..." Ernest Hemingway0 -
and
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other
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.can you smell fish?“It is by riding a bicycle that you learn the contours of a country best..." Ernest Hemingway0 -
A few weeks ago I brought an advent calender from Woolies.
The windows were all boarded up and there was nothing inside.
FCN 3 or 4 on road depending on clothingjedster wrote:Just off to contemplate my own mortality and inevitable descent into decrepedness.
FCN 8 off road because I'm too old to go racing around.0 -
What does the startrek enterprise and toilet roll have in common?
They both search uranus looking for klingons!winter beast: http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff016.jpg
Summer beast; http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff015.jpg0 -
And........
A man walks into a pub with an ostriche and a cat, he walks up to the bar and says "i'll have 3 pints of stella and drinks all round!", the whole pub cheers. When they finish the ostriche goes up to the bar and says "i'll have 3 pints of stella and drinks all round!", again, the whole pub cheers. They drink up and the cat walks up and says "i'll have 3 pints of stella". They finish their drinks and on the way out of the pub the barman calls the man over and asks, why did you and the ostriche buy a round for the whole pub but the cat didn't? The man replies that he had asked father christmas for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy ! BOOM BOOM :arrow:winter beast: http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff016.jpg
Summer beast; http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff015.jpg0 -
if you can't beat them
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why have kids?Your'e never alone with schizophrenia.0 -
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other:
Do you know how to drive this thing?0 -
LingfieldXC wrote:if you can't beat them
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why have kids?
or wives......0 -
My favourite spur of the moment joke was when somebody asked me how the automatic extractor fan in the gents at worked knew when to come on. I told them it had a motion sensor.
Quite proud of that one.0 -
A woman and baby are in a doctor's surgery waiting for the babies first examination.
They are called and go through. The doctor checks the baby all over.
Spotting that the baby is under weight, the doctor asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed.
"Oh, breast fed." replies the woman.
"I need to check you too I think. Could you strip to the waist for me?" The doctor says.
For 20 minutes he checks squezes the nipples, kneads each breast, etc.
The doctor finishes and looks at the woman.
"Your not producing milk"
"I know" the woman replies "I'm his grandma, but I'm so glad I came today."
FCN 3 or 4 on road depending on clothingjedster wrote:Just off to contemplate my own mortality and inevitable descent into decrepedness.
FCN 8 off road because I'm too old to go racing around.0 -
Two Nuns out riding their bikes.
One says to the other I've never come this way before.
The other says neither have I, must be the cobbles........ Trek 1.7 08
Unshaved newbie roadie0 -
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
(http://www.mylonglunch.com/fyi/86/its-friday-so-here-are-some-tommy)0 -
What do you do if a bird sh*ts on our head?
Finish with her
(apologies to my celtic cosins here) Did you hear about the irish cat?
Went out for a sh*t and buried itself
how do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler
Whats a shizu?
One with no animals...0 -
Two monkeys are in the bath.
One says "Oooh! Oooh! Aaah! Aaah! Eeeh! Eeeh!"
The other says "Hang on a minute and I'll put some cold in"time flies like an arrow
fruit flies like a banana0 -
Went to the jewellers the other day to buy the wife a watch for her birthday, the guy behind the counter says "analoge?"
"No, just a watch"Pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/34335188@N07/3336802663/0 -
When I die I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandad.
Not screaming and shouting like everyone else in the car.0 -
I've bought my epileptic brother a strobe light for his borthday, he's gona have a f***ing fit when he sees it!
AND, 'cos it's topical..........
St Peter is at the pearly gtaes and Barack Obama walks up
Peter asks him, "And what did you do in your life?"
So Obama replies "I was the President of the United States of America"
"Wow, how long have the USA had black Presidents?" asks Peter
And Obama replies "About 10 minutes"0 -
Bought my daughter a 500watt light bulb for xmas, should've seen her little face light up!Pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/34335188@N07/3336802663/0 -
two sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says "phew! Getting a bit hot in here isn't it?", and the other says "OMG! A talking sausage!!"________________________________
Roadie: Focus Cayo - FCN 4
Commuter hack: Fixed Langster - FCN 5
Winter hack: Battered Sirrus - FCN 90 -
They're never quite as funny the second time are they Just Keep Pedalling0
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Two blondes walked into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.0
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I had to go to Hospital for a check up today. The nurse told me I'd have to stop masturbating. When I asked "Why?" she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!!" :oops:"There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, t'would be a pity to damage yours."0
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Why did God create thrush?
So women knew what it was like to live with an irritating tw*t before they married one.0
