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Revenge Fantasies

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  • I'd always do the fish in the cabin air intake. He'll never get the smell out.

    So it was YOU!
  • Potatoes. Exhaust pipe.
  • Littigator wrote:
    c12345 wrote:
    On a practical but purile front, lifting the windscreen wipers into the vertical postion causes no lasting damage, but it does force the driver to stop, and get out the car to put them back.

    Didn't some guy on here do that to a mate, they slammed down and broke the windscreen...

    I think that's a brilliant one so long as the windscreen doesn't break.

    Annoyance factor 10
    Damage factor 0

    I've seen a similar tactic employed to fuel filler caps (by a courier). When you are in a car when one shuts, it sounds like a giant suspender has snapped.

    ....mmmm....suspenders.....
  • cjcpcjcp Posts: 13,345
    knight2k wrote:
    I'd like to be able to summon the Birdmen from Flash Gordon to swoop in and attack any vehicles I feel are not gracing me with proper consideration.

    And the world would fall silent and all you'd hear would be Brian Blessed's booming voice shouting, "DIVE!". The entire car commuting community would immediately shat themselves and run from their cars, leaving them to be tossed into the river.

    Sorry for latching onto your fantasy there. :)
    FCN 2-4.

    "What happens when the hammer goes down, kids?"
    "It stays down, Daddy."
    "Exactly."
  • cjcp wrote:
    knight2k wrote:
    I'd like to be able to summon the Birdmen from Flash Gordon to swoop in and attack any vehicles I feel are not gracing me with proper consideration.

    And the world would fall silent and all you'd hear would be Brian Blessed's booming voice shouting, "DIVE!". The entire car commuting community would immediately shat themselves and run from their cars, leaving them to be tossed into the river.

    Sorry for latching onto your fantasy there. :)

    Surely making a motorist endure that movie would be punishment enough?
  • cjcpcjcp Posts: 13,345
    cjcp wrote:
    knight2k wrote:
    I'd like to be able to summon the Birdmen from Flash Gordon to swoop in and attack any vehicles I feel are not gracing me with proper consideration.

    And the world would fall silent and all you'd hear would be Brian Blessed's booming voice shouting, "DIVE!". The entire car commuting community would immediately shat themselves and run from their cars, leaving them to be tossed into the river.

    Sorry for latching onto your fantasy there. :)

    Surely making a motorist endure that movie would be punishment enough?

    It's a great movie. I've even saved it on Sky Plus.

    "GORDON'S ALIVE!".

    A classic moment in cinematic history.
    FCN 2-4.

    "What happens when the hammer goes down, kids?"
    "It stays down, Daddy."
    "Exactly."
  • Nice cameo by Peter Duncan.

    I was at the airfield they used in that movie in the summer as well. The most exciting thing to have happened there in the last 20 years, it seems.

    It just didn't have the same production values as Plan 9 from Outer Space, you know?
  • cjcpcjcp Posts: 13,345
    Nice cameo by Peter Duncan.

    I was at the airfield they used in that movie in the summer as well. The most exciting thing to have happened there in the last 20 years, it seems.

    It just didn't have the same production values as Plan 9 from Outer Space, you know?

    Duncan was a wuss.

    Plan 9 might be the strangest film ever made.
    FCN 2-4.

    "What happens when the hammer goes down, kids?"
    "It stays down, Daddy."
    "Exactly."
  • cjcp wrote:
    Plan 9 might be the strangest film ever made.

    Nah, "Manos, Hands of Fate" takes that crown (imdb link)
  • I remember watching the Blue Peter episode where they showed Peter Duncan filming his bit part - god I feel old now.

    Any how - my revenge fantasy is a large plastic hand on a stick to be used to reach in through car windows and plant a painful face slap on anyone who cuts me up. Possibly an accompanying poke in the eye as well whilst I'm at it.
    "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all"

    http://www.pinkbike.com/photo/1882561/
  • MithrasMithras Posts: 428
    I can afford to talk softly!....................I carry a big stick!
  • I just tend to hope that the idiots who speed recklessly lose control and end up in a fireball before they actually hurt someone.

    Slightly off tangent but was somebody giving out stupid pills in Hackney today? WVM and bus drivers were all fine, even helpful. But the road was full of nutty RLJ cyclists and suicidal pedestrians. Some git also through a stick at me - not sure if it was intended for the spokes but it went through the frame and hit my leg. No idea who threw it and my request for the "big hard bloke with the tiny @8£$ who threw the stick at me" to come forward didn't result in any confessions (or confrontations). I wouldn't mind but I consider myself to be a rather civilised and considerate cyclist :evil:
    Pain is only weakness leaving the body
  • Greg TGreg T Posts: 3,266
    knight2k wrote:
    I'd like to be able to summon the Birdmen from Flash Gordon to swoop in and attack any vehicles I feel are not gracing me with proper consideration.

    This is the spirit - Anything that has Brian Blessed dispensing justice using a mace has got to be on the right track.

    Now then - I'm thinking that what I need is the Sweeney.

    John Thaw and Dennis Waterman screech round the front of the miscreant in the car, knocking over some bins and carboard boxes in a Mk1 Cortina.

    John Thaw, Regan, smashes the drivers window with the handle of his Webley and drags the diver trough the gap.

    A stomach punch is dispensed and before the Driver can say "It's a fair cop Guv - you got me banged to rights" he's told to "SHUT IT" by Regan.

    He's then taken to the station where in 1970's rough justice style he's repeatedly filled in by fat coppers with mahoosive sideburns and no knowledge of progressive consensual policing techniques. They are however "tasty" and can look after themselves on the cobbles.

    SHUT IT
    Fixed gear for wet weather / hairy roadie for posing in the sun.

    What would Thora Hurd do?
  • LittigatorLittigator Posts: 1,262
    On a similar theme...

    BA Baracus and the Face loom into view. BA stops the miscreant's car with a single glare, the Face slides a gun through the window whilst winking at the female passenger.

    Hannibal pops up from nowhere to suggest to the driver (cigar in hand, looking casual) that he might like to reconsider his driving style before someone gets hurt.

    Driver retorts that no-one scares him, and spins off with a huge tyre squeal. Cue all members of the team running to the nearest bus stop and constructing a cabbage firing weapon out of the bus-stop, a nearby bin, some railings and a small yorkshire terrier's lead.

    Commence firing cabbages after the car which explodes on contact from the first cabbage, does a flip over barrel roll and lands upside down. Driver hauls himself out of the car shaking his head in a dazed manner and the Police nab him.

    Murdoch swoops down in a chopper armed with rockets and picks up the rest of the team just as Colonel Decker sweeps down the Blackfriars underpass to arrest them. Hannibal gives a cheeky wave out of the chopper as the team disappear towards Tower Bridge

    Cue manly over-dubbed narrator "If you've got a problem etc etc..."
    Roadie FCN: 3

    Fixed FCN: 6
  • Well done Guys - The A-Team good! Sweeney good!

    In my new fantasy I'd call my mate Charlie and get him to despatch the Angels along for some swift, high kicking and explosive retribution to be dealt to the bad guys.

    Epilogue – Miami Beach Pina Colada style pampering with the Angels.
  • Clever PunClever Pun Posts: 6,778
    marchant wrote:
    cjcp wrote:
    Plan 9 might be the strangest film ever made.

    Nah, "Manos, Hands of Fate" takes that crown (imdb link)

    Anyone seen
    Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters????
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455326/

    it contains possibly the coolest opening song ever

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV2s8kc2wBk&feature=related
    Purveyor of sonic doom

    Very Hairy Roadie - FCN 4
    Fixed Pista- FCN 5
    Beared Bromptonite - FCN 14
  • secretsamsecretsam Posts: 4,862
    handlebar mounted rocket launchers?

    this is an oft re-occuring fantasy of when some dip-stick cuts me up. Right next to the gear levers an extra button.... Mounted to the outside of the handlebar is a mini heat-seeking missile that disappears up the exhaust pipe of said idiot and FOOM!

    Roadblasters!!! (late 80s arcade / computer game)

    It's just a hill. Get over it.
  • secretsamsecretsam Posts: 4,862
    Revenge: simple. Make the MoFus walk everywhere. Or better still, force them to cycle, and every day subject them to the same abuse as they did to you...

    It's just a hill. Get over it.
  • Greg TGreg T Posts: 3,266
    knight2k wrote:
    Epilogue – Miami Beach Pina Colada style pampering with the Angels.

    Hmmm Afters with the Angels on Miami Beach or a pint of Bitter down the working man's club with Regan and Carter....

    I feel a poll coming on (queue ref and Pole gags)

    I'm happy with the Sweeney as my working fantasy for the day but reserve the right to swap to my back up fantasy of the day....

    I'm minding my own business on the embankmnet when a mini can driver in the Mercedes (always with the Mercedes oi voi) squeezes the gap and takes me just the inch too close (open goal - play on).

    In retaliation I close my eyes (metaphorically - remember gamers - safety first) and wish really hard.

    Shazam.

    Just ahead of me is Arnie in Terminator mode on a Road bike with a shotgun. Bib Shorts and leather T-Mobil cycling kit. He unloads round after round into the wheels doing that cool spinny thing with the shotgun to reload, blowing out the tyres.

    The merc grinds to a halt in shower of sparks and smoke. Arnie stands up in the saddle and beats the lights at Embankment station by microseconds, awesome.

    What's this?

    Vinnie Jones on a Single with a golf club. Vinnie does a skid stop dumping the bike mid carriageway before getting his mean on and putting all the windows through with his ten iron in a state of berserker rage.

    He kicks the bike up, throws the iron in the river and rides to Valhalla.

    Just in Time - who's this? Daniel Craig in the opening scene of Casino Royale where he batters the guy to death with his hands in the Bog - Riding a Paddy Wagon (like mine), he's wearing black shorts and his new LBS bike top (Bicycle in Richmond BTW - just like me) - OK it's me but fantasy me - James Bond / Daniel Craig.

    I lean through the now smashed windows and fix the Mini cab driver (who by this time is Dr Evil) with my steel cold eyes.

    "I think that was a bit close - no?"

    Magic.
    Fixed gear for wet weather / hairy roadie for posing in the sun.

    What would Thora Hurd do?
  • LittigatorLittigator Posts: 1,262
    ahem...cough...I'm glad no one's getting too carried away then :shock:
    Roadie FCN: 3

    Fixed FCN: 6
  • Greg TGreg T Posts: 3,266
    Littigator wrote:
    ahem...cough...I'm glad no one's getting too carried away then :shock:

    That's why it's called "revenge fantasy" rather than "dull thigs you do when you get cut up"

    I thought the Arnie/Vinnie/Bond triple threat whammy was marginally more "fantasy" than me just tutting and giving the departing driver a Hard Paddington Stare.
    Fixed gear for wet weather / hairy roadie for posing in the sun.

    What would Thora Hurd do?
  • ParkeyParkey Posts: 303
    Hypnotise the offending motorist and have them completely forget how to drive a car. :twisted:
    "A recent study has found that, at the current rate of usage, the word 'sustainable' will be worn out by the year 2015"
  • biondinobiondino Posts: 5,990
    How would we know the difference?

    (thank you, I'm here all week)
  • LittigatorLittigator Posts: 1,262
    biondino wrote:
    How would we know the difference?

    (thank you, I'm here all week)

    Chap-Ho!
    Roadie FCN: 3

    Fixed FCN: 6
  • Greg TGreg T Posts: 3,266
    Revenge is a dish best served cold.....
    Fixed gear for wet weather / hairy roadie for posing in the sun.

    What would Thora Hurd do?
  • biondinobiondino Posts: 5,990
    Last night a taxi was driving way too close to me, so when we both had to turn right I set off very slowly. After a couple of seconds he overtakes me on the bend (!) and as I look over in shock he's giving me the w*nker gesture! Charming! I raced after him, intending to tell his passengers that they shouldn't pay their fair as their driver was a dangerous lunatic, but he didn't have to stop any time soon so I spent the rest of the cycle home fantasising about revenge. Fun.
  • I have decidef I am going to buy a tazer to taze all those who cross my path. Especially moped riders who think that the 'cycle' bits of the road are for them too. :evil:
  • girv73girv73 Posts: 842
    Don't buy a Taser for that as they fire out little paper tags that can identify the owner. Make your own shock gun (somehow, I dunno, use the internet) for anonymity :)
    Today is a good day to ride
  • girv73 wrote:
    Don't buy a Taser for that as they fire out little paper tags that can identify the owner. Make your own shock gun (somehow, I dunno, use the internet) for anonymity :)

    Cattle prod. Sorted.
  • ParkeyParkey Posts: 303
    biondino wrote:
    How would we know the difference?

    (thank you, I'm here all week)

    Easy. I would also use post hypnotic suggestion to stick their hands together with their arms around the nearest lamp post. Hard to drive a car when you're attached to a lamp post and the only way to escape is to climb it. :D
    "A recent study has found that, at the current rate of usage, the word 'sustainable' will be worn out by the year 2015"
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