The Lanterne Rouge 2023 Thread (definite spoilers)

Lanterne_Rogue

Stage 7:

So with the hills temporarily out of the way we can return to proper racing and see some new names at the bottom of the-

Ah.




Fedorov is really going for this one, isn't he? What must be particularly galling for everyone else is that Astana's revolutionary gear shifting technology even allowed him to nick the stage win - although with the need to create alliances he might come to regret not just gifting the stage to Eenkhoorn...

More of this nonsense tomorrow - here's the underall:

pblakeney

Nice to see that Cav is still in the running even after today's poor performance.

secretsqirrel

I guess Astana’s position is in jeopardy now without the main leader.

pblakeney

pblakeney said:

Nice to see that Cav is still in the running even after today's poor performance.

That aged about as well as most of my posts.

Lanterne_Rogue

Stage 8:

Bugger.

One in the eye for the romantics, that: Mark Cavendish ends his career on the same number of Lanterne victories as Eddy Merckx (0).

I can't even think of something funny to say about it, so, y'know - good to hear that some things in life remain constant, eh?

Of course all the fuss about Cavendish will hide the brilliant performance of Axel Zingle today - surely France's next big winner? Let's keep our fingers crossed it doesn't go all badly Barguil. I don't want to be rude, but the lad wasn't even the next Pinot...

Rising stars (I've ignored the big chase group today):



Seeing stars:

pinno

Pity about Cav. The rest of the race was perfectly poised for an Astana 1,2,3 clean sweep.

All is not lost: a quick look of the situation heralded a post that will be 5 times longer than what is actually merited and bereft of any plausible conclusion. Probably like today's stage.
I shall ignore the obvious outcome because that would be dull.
I have untangled the tactical ball of knotted string like the one pulled out every year to hang up the Christmas cards and here is my analysis:
Under the radar thus far; the haricot vert Cees Bol. He could be the man to step in to complete the podium. At 6 foot too much and 83kg's, he has the perfect LR mountain physique: big but ever so slightly less easy to spot in the wonderfully conceived Astana camo kit that blends in with the sub-alpine back grounds such as today's Puy de Dôme battle stage, until that is, the breakaway riders rise above the tree line where he'll be marked closely by Cofidis, Soudal-QS and Bahrain Inglorious though, just like the streets of a French housing estate, the plan could go up in smoke if the front runners climb aboard the Autobus and then everyone will be saying 'that Pinno talks a lot of déchets' and many will be wondering why I didn't use more full stops and suggest this outcome in the first place.

This LR business is complex, nerve wracking stuff.

No_Ta_Doctor

Welcome to the thread, James Joyce

me-109

No_Ta_Doctor said:

Welcome to the thread, Yootha Joyce

FTFY.

Lanterne_Rogue

Stage 9:

Oh Puy de Dôme, where have you been? 34 years since the last tour visit, the bald lentil* turned out to be the finish to finally give this year's Lanterne a jolly good rattle.

The day started with the news that Quinn Simmons had got himself cancelled despite being in a strong position on the fringes of the top ten. That left plenty of opportunities for other riders to make their move on a parcours that was almost perfectly designed for the Lanterne competition - backloading the climbing into the final few kilometres means that riders can afford to take risks without needing to worry about being caught hors delai.

A large early break going suggested that many riders were playing the traditional hokey cokey routine (in the break, out the break, then in the peloton and out the back), but as a tactic that was ruined by the GC teams allowing the lead to extend to the sort of distance - 18 minutes! - that even the most dedicated finder of mechanical mayhem was unlikely to find their way back without the DS getting suspicious.

That meant that somebody was always likely to attack out of the back of the peloton itself and the first person to attack was Lars ven den Berg via the traditional sticky musette.



Unfortunately the TV footage then suffered something of a jours sans, with one TV moto crashing out altogether and the arty TV director deciding this was the moment to pay homage to the theatre of the absurd, also known as "this year's French hopes". So whilst we were subjected to the existentialist farce that constitutes Waiting for Gaudu** the real race was kicking off behind.

Either discomfited by the removal of Cavendish, or perhaps just relaxing in the possession of a twelve minute lead, Federov chose today to attempt some sort of basic competence, finishing 120th and dropping a small amount of time to teammate Cees Bol. That won't hurt him too much, of course - unlike the other end of the race a twin leader strategy is perfect for the Lanterne, because ideally you don't have to work for either of them...

Elsewhere Axel Zingle's good run of form continues, overtaking Jakobsen to climb fourth, and just two seconds off Mørkøv in third. He's a way to go to catch the Astana pair, of course, but there's plenty of time to rescue something for France in this tour.

Tomorrow's parcours looks unlikely to produce much lanterne action, I'm afraid, being as it is a rest day. Join us on Tuesday for the next instalment...

Fish and chips:


And mushy Puys:




*My thanks to Michael Gogl translate
** Fair enough, perhaps: Gaudu's hopes were just about to kick the Beckett

Pross

I was glad to see the rider who hatched a plan to slow himself down by attaching bunting to his bike failed miserably. He really wasn’t happy when his accomplice messed it up causing to fall from his bike. It’s the sort of gimmick we really don’t want to see creeping into racing.

No_Ta_Doctor

Pross said:

I was glad to see the rider who hatched a plan to slow himself down by attaching bunting to his bike failed miserably. He really wasn’t happy when his accomplice messed it up causing to fall from his bike. It’s the sort of gimmick we really don’t want to see creeping into racing.

That was Lilian Calamity Jane

pinno

In the wee hours I got out my gen 4 digital Ouija board with satellite tracking (isn't modern technology marvellous?) and summoned the ghost of Duffers.
It was remarkable how quickly I managed to get in touch with him though he was slightly annoyed with me as he was papering the landing.
However, once he found his gnashers, Polyfix extra and the dust and cobwebs settled, I asked him what he thought of the race so far.
And what he said was this:

I was impressed by ASO's subtle nod to the true hero's of the race yesterday. They really are a fantastic organisation.
By moving the fans off the top and down the hill, this meant that the front LR contenders got maximum support whilst the guys at the wrong end of the race were a mere side show in the silence.

After a long pause where I had the the opportunity to mull over such prophetic prose, whilst Duffers took a quick swig of an antique sherry, denomination: unknown, he had this to add:

I see Jacobsen is still in the top 5. I blame ASO's lack of conviction. They really are a waste of (Puy de Dôme) space. He is infamous for chucking himself at the tarmac and even over barriers. I am not sure I like this. It's immoral. It's blatant cheating. It's wrong. It really isn't Cricket.

When I fell asleep and later woke up for a piddle, he was still waffling so I turned the volume down and the flashing lights indicating that I still have a signal are making a lovely pattern, following the rhythmic rise and fall of his dulcet tones and immortal words. It's quite soporific.

The problem is, ghosts don't sleep but this will allow me to tap in to his highly detailed commentary at any time and obtain insight and wisdom on the merits of steel frames, the beauty of grass court tennis and the versatility of corned beef.

Lanterne_Rogue

Stage 10:

The tenth stage in this labour of, frankly, labour and the competition is well and truly hotting up. There was loads of excitement early in the stage as the favourites absent-mindedly started attacking, ended up in the early break, and everyone's favourite motormouth* couldn't grasp what the heck was happening.

Ewan and Jakobsen had sloped off the back on the sort of medium stage that often decides the Lanterne, Carlton. Do keep up.

Yup, without Cavendish's experience the Astana lads have lost all cohesion and watched their hopes go up in smoke. Fedorov has slipped to third, but it's Moscon who has really lost out. The big hitter suffered a remarkable jour avec and fell 12 places without the Manx anchor man to hold him back.

Jakobsen and Mrkv (I've just realised he's been crossing those Os out - can somebody please let him know about Tippex?) were the big winners, climbing to the top of the LR. Federov is still in striking range, but his podium position is now under threat from Axel Zingle, who had another good day after apparently crashing three times in succession on stage four. Zingle appears to have ended up in the sweet spot for being injured enough to not work but fit enough to finish. Frdrk Frson of Lotto Dstny now rounds out the top five having finished with the break (but not most of the vowels), and the stage win was taken by Dries Devenyns, presumably as part of a deal that saw him not working for the others.

Finally, it's nice to see Lawson Craddock making a return to the right end of the field. We've missed you, Lawson.

Barbie vs Oppenheimer:



Beyond our Ken:




*citation very much needed

kingstongraham

Mrkv

pinno

It's after confusing stages like these, I often turn to William Topaz McGonagall. For me, he helps me shed light and gain clarity on ambiguous race tactics. I turned to page 186 of his book of poetry and pulled out this cracker which sums up today's stage. I wish I had his foresight and understanding. Especially for you, I selected Verse 68, 124 and 336 respectively:

Oooo oooo oooo t'was hot
oooo oooo so hot, so hot
oooo oooo!

Oooo oooo oooo t'was hilly
oooo oooo so hilly, so hilly
oooo oooo!

Oooo oooo oooo t'was windy
oooo oooo so windy, so windy
oooo oooo!

Such mastery of prose provides deep metaphor for Astana's strategic failure.
This wasn't Sunweb's genius: ride over the top of a snow covered mountain, then descend like a banshee without zipping up your plac-o-mac and end up a quivering, frozen mess at the bottom shedding time quicker than bunch of convicts on the run.
No, this was blunder at the highest level - the one rule that you must not break. If you want to win the coveted prize that is the LR: Do not find yourself off the back of the Autobus. And they broke it and they broke it in style.
I dunno, I wish I was a fly in the chamois cream Astana team car.

Tomorrow, excerpts from Salvador Dali's forgotten book of very abstract nursery rhymes.

Lanterne_Rogue

Not even close to the great bard's twisted genius, I'm afraid.

*clears throat*

'twas on the tenth stage,
I'm sorry to say,
That Fabio Jakobsen,
Many fine critics do say
Did find himself unfortunately faced with an hors delai.
Tho' others, I must relate, do hold it so
That the fine rider in peril was Michael Mørkøv
On that fateful day that we call the tenth stage.

Then continue that nonsense for about ten pages PLEASE DON'T

Lanterne_Rogue

(even that didn't get close to his badness, if I'm honest - MacGonagall was genuinely a genius in his disregard for rhyme, meter or syntax, and I've not read anyone capable of capturing his - fortunately - unique voice)

mididoctors

Hard to find analysis as good as this

andyp

I used to drink in MacGonagall's on Perth Road in Dundee back in the day.

No_Ta_Doctor

For many years I thought McGonagall was actually made up by Spike Milligan

pinno

Spike certainly 'sung' his praises.

pinno

Anyway - back to the action.
I saw a cheeky little attack by Sagan yesterday. Given the form he is in, I am surprised he isn't in the top 10.

Lanterne_Rogue

pinno said:

Anyway - back to the action.
I saw a cheeky little attack by Sagan yesterday. Given the form he is in, I am surprised he isn't in the top 10.

You need to get a team willing to let you attack regularly though. Probably why he looks so glum these days instead of the carefree nature of his early days.

Anyone else feel that with his habit of starting every answer with "eeey" that he was basically the Slovak Fonz?

ddraver

A shocking jour avec from Federov, I'd pretty much written the GC race off for the year after his devastating start.

Lanterne_Rogue

Stage 11:

It might come as some surprise to anyone following this thread, but there are basic levels of professionalism to be observed. For example, I always make sure to review the highlights of each day's stage before writing an overview and today was no exception.

Anyway, that's thirty seconds of my life I'm not getting back.

The story of the stage is quite simple. Daniel Oss, Matis Lovel and Audrey Amador were shoved out front to pretend to do some work, and behind them the peloton pretended to chase them down whilst desperately trying to keep them ahead. Eventually Lovel and Amador decided to give up all pretence and slide back to the bunch, leaving Oss looking stupid up front and making the efforts to not chase him look increasingly silly.

All rather farcical, but it did give Oss an excuse to sit up in the run in and take the stage win... except even that didn't work as Mikkel Bjerg sniped the win on the line. Apparently Oss forgot that 90% of Bjerg is below the surface.

Not much else to report other than I notice Kevin Vermaerke finally gave team dsm-fermenich some positive news after the unfortunate theft of their shift key, although arguably it still fails to justify their wildcard slot. Mind you, none of the other wildcard teams are showing either - very disappointing for their sponsors, you have to think

Paint drying:



Pain trying:

bobbygloss

You missed Fedorov's brave attempt to make up for his bad day on stage 10. Unfortunately he was too eager and had his puncture before the flag dropped, so everybody stopped to wait for him.

pinno

Surely that was tactical idiocy on the same level as missing the Autobus on stage 10? Everyone knows that the best time for a puncture or a chuck yourself over the handle bars moment should be done before 3 km's to go banner.
He's only 23 and we can forgive him and I don't think he has the best team behind him. Unlike Lotto-Soudal Mapei-Quick step Deceuninck-Quick step Soudal-Deceuninck... who tf is it... oh yes, Soudal-Quick step who have superglued Jacobsen to Mørkøv to slow him down a bit.

I dunno. I mean with all this modern technology and race radio, those competing for the prize have all the information to hand and blunders like this just underline a sheer managerial incompetency. Like the basics such as: pedal @ exactly 3.732 watts under your ftp for the next 100km's.

The Astana management are not operating on the same bandwidth as there are currently too many moving parts and this means that they are not making hay. The bosses need to bring the whole team to the table so that they can kick the old habits into touch, take a rain check on proceedings, generate a collective, creative thought shower and then jump on the shark and action the plan that was on the back burner as the goal posts have moved. Ultimately, they can re-invent the wheel by thinking outside the box and once they are all singing from the same page, then the team can give it 90% because the low hanging fruit is there to be taken with a little bit of blue sky thinking.

That's just my opinion.

takethehighroad

Fabio Jakobsen is a DNS today, throwing the race for the LR wide open

pinno

takethehighroad said:

Fabio Jakobsen is a DNS today, throwing the race for the LR wide open

It must have taken them all night to unstick him from Mørkøv.
'Loosing bark*' in the process (without chucking yourself at the tarmac).
Now they'll have to glue him to Dries Devenyns using Soudal's latest, strongest, grab adhesive which sticks like sh*t**. That'll floor him***.

*Robbie McEwan©.
**Other brands are available.
***I'll get my coat.

Lanterne_Rogue

Really bad news for Mørkøv that - Jakobsen was shepherding him through the important medium stages like a veteran.

Fedorov still has Bol for support; the other obvious beneficiary is Frison, who has form in this competition and for whom Ewan is soaring like a brick. French hopeful Zingle inherits third...