Tuesday, in the roar of dust and diesel, I stood and watched her walk away

hopkinb

seanoconn said:

pinno said:

seanoconn said:

Woke up 5mins afore th' alarm, cuddled wifey fur a bawherr langer afore extracting masell fae her taps aff naked loveliness. Gaed tae th' cludgie fur a batch 2 bit juist a bawherr gas escaped sae a wee bit disappointed. Washed mah coupon, brushed mah wallies, moisturised. Git dressed 'n' gaed aff tae wake batch wan son up. He wis pretending tae aye be asleep sae ah tickled him tae prove otherwise. Asked him tae git washed while ah sorted his claes fur th' day. While he wis getting dressed ah asked whit he wid lik' fur breakfast 'n' set aboot making a toasted bagel, a malinky type, mibeez aye, mibeez naw warburtons. As he wis eating his breakfast ah made sure his ipad 'n' lug pods wur fully charged 'n' that he hud a' th' necessary stationary equipment fur his lessons th'day. Ascending th' stairs wance mair ah winched th' guidwife cheerio the nou 'n' made sure ah hud everything ah wantit fur th' day ahead. Gingerly descending th' stairs fur th' lest time ( we hae nae beef) ah winched no1 son cheerio the nou wishing him a guid day 'n' reminded him tae pat th' toothbrush oan charge wance he’s brushed his wallies. Putting oan mah jaiket ah proceeded tae lea th' hoose, pul'in th' recycling buckit intae steid duin fur collection. Oan inspection th' motor didn’t need defrosting sae wance th' heater hud warmed th' windscreen sufficiently ah wis able tae pootle intae wirk wi'oot incident.

[Jock edit]

Did you copy and paste that into a jock generator? 😂

Anyway, top bottom bracketing! This is the level of silliness we should all aspire to. You’ve raised the bar once again. Chapeau sir

To be fair, you started it, M. Le Pin, he just translated it!

MattFalle

washin' is cheatin'

burds like men who smell like men not perfume or shower gel.

seanoconn

Woke waaay down 5mins befo'e da damn alarm, cuddled mamay fo' some bit longa' befo'e 'estractin' mah'self fum ha' warm naked loveliness. Went t'de toilet fo' some numba' 2 but plum some little gas escaped so's slightly disappointed. Washed mah' face, brushed mah' teed, moisturised. Got dressed and went off t'wake numba' 1 son waaay down. He wuz pretendin' t'still be asleep so's ah' tickled him t'prove oderwise. What it is, Mama. Ya feel me bro!? Asked him t'get wuzhed while ah' so'ted his clodes fo' de day. Slap mah fro. Totally lit! ProWhile he wuz gettin' dressed ah' asked whut he would likes fo' boogiefast and set about makin' some toasted bagel, some din type, possibly warburtons. As he wuz eatin' his boogiefast ah' made sho' nuff his iPad and ear pods wuz fully charged and dat he had all de necessary stashunary equipment fo' his lessons today. Slap mah fro. Sick bro! Ascendin' de stairs once mo'e ah' kissed da damn mama baaaadbye and made sho' nuff ah' had everydin' ah' needed fo' de day a'haid. Gin'erly descendin' de stairs fo' de last time ( we gotss' beef) ah' kissed no1 son baaaadbye wishin' him some baaaad day and reminded him t'put da damn toodbrush on charge once he’s brushed his teed. Puttin' on mah' coat ah' proceeded t'leave da damn crib, pullin' de recyclin' bin into place eyebally fo' collecshun. 'S coo', bro. On inspecshun de wheels didn’t need defrostin' so's once da damn heata' had warmed da damn windscreen sufficiently ah' wuz able t'pootle into wo'k widout incident

Mic drop out

PEACE

(Millennial edit)

Ben6899

Tuesday haiku then...
I'm in a terrible mood
So my haikus suck

ballysmate

What's this 'moisturised' malarkey?
I had you down as a 'rugged good looks' kind of bloke.

orraloon

Indeed. Moisturised what? We need to know.

MattFalle

I must admit that I'm happy with my day's work on the knee thread.

thank you for your assistance E - you tee them up .....

pinno

orraloon said:

Indeed. Moisturised what? We need to know.

You might, I don't.

Where's this 'knee thread'?

[Oh and yes, I used Jock translator. A bit dull]

seanoconn

Rugged pretty boy.

thistle_

ballysmate said:

What's this 'moisturised' malarkey?
I had you down as a 'rugged good looks' kind of bloke.

GT85 rather than WD40 after a shave.

tlw1

thistle_ said:

ballysmate said:

What's this 'moisturised' malarkey?
I had you down as a 'rugged good looks' kind of bloke.

GT85 rather than WD40 after a shave.

Face or legs

darkhairedlord

MattFalle said:

I must admit that I'm happy with my day's work on the knee thread.

thank you for your assistance E - you tee them up .....

have provided a small contribution to the days work.

elbowloh

MattFalle said:

I must admit that I'm happy with my day's work on the knee thread.

thank you for your assistance E - you tee them up .....

You're welcome.

It's good to have a laugh, but if you're knees are fecked and you end up being unable to walk or cycle then it's no laughing matter innit.

MattFalle

darkhairedlord said:

MattFalle said:

I must admit that I'm happy with my day's work on the knee thread.

thank you for your assistance E - you tee them up .....

have provided a small contribution to the days work.

noted - thank you.

i have also noted that he still hasn't supplied a definition of crepitus.....

MattFalle

elbowloh said:

MattFalle said:

I must admit that I'm happy with my day's work on the knee thread.

thank you for your assistance E - you tee them up .....

You're welcome.

It's good to have a laugh, but if you're knees are fecked and you end up being unable to walk or cycle then it's no laughing matter innit.

exactly.

and tbh, judging from the replies on there no one knew what crepitus is let alone be able to give him any advice, good, bad or indifferent so the poor bugger would have ended up hurting himself proper, see, innit, lush.

I for one ain't sticking my neck out on the internet giving random advice beyond "use honey on cuts, scrapes, etc".

hopkinb

MattFalle said:

I for one ain't sticking my neck out on the internet giving random advice beyond "use honey on cuts, scrapes, etc".

Does this mean I have to use iodine, germolene or savlon on toast now?

I bloody love a bit of honey on toast see, especially those ones the old guys sell who have a hive or two in their back garden. If I'm now for smearing it on the lightly injured, what's for my toast?

MattFalle

Nutella, the spread of campione.

MattFalle

or, if you are an england rugby player or a member of the current government, think sticky biccie. they're all at it in boarding school. constantly, the dirty littleposhshits

tlw1

Will it help my hip I’ve just fallen on? Looks like no running for me and a step count of a lazy bugger

hopkinb

MattFalle said:

or, if you are an england rugby player or a member of the current government, think sticky biccie. they're all at it in boarding school. constantly, the dirty littleposhshits

Is that like soggy biscuit? Do you suppose Priti does soggy biscuit with the rest of the thick chinless cnuts?

hopkinb

tlw1 said:

Will it help my hip I’ve just fallen on? Looks like no running for me and a step count of a lazy censored

Slippy out? I just slid down to the offie. Pavements death trap. Roads are fine.

MattFalle

hopkinb said:

MattFalle said:

or, if you are an england rugby player or a member of the current government, think sticky biccie. they're all at it in boarding school. constantly, the dirty littleposhshits

Is that like soggy biscuit? Do you suppose Priti does soggy biscuit with the rest of the thick chinless cnuts?

Yes, the same.

And unless the Prittster has a penis, then no. Unless she's there in a motivational/cheerleader role:

COME ON YOU LITTLE MAGGOT GOVE, GET YOUR LOAD ON THAT BISCUIT. LOOK AT IT, DIRTY FOREIGN GARIBALDI. SPAFF ON IT. SHOW IT WHO IS BOSS. PWOOAAARRRR, LOOK AT THE FILTHY LITTLE RAISINS. THEY WANT IT.

Or words to that extent.

MattFalle

Bizarrely I once had a man think that shouting at me would help me urinate into a sample jar when being drug tested once.....

MattFalle

tlw1 said:

Will it help my hip I’ve just fallen on? Looks like no running for me and a step count of a lazy censored

you want to see your doctor dude. or post a piccie of the Prittster.

Preferably both tbh.

tlw1

hopkinb said:

tlw1 said:

Will it help my hip I’ve just fallen on? Looks like no running for me and a step count of a lazy censored

Slippy out? I just slid down to the offie. Pavements death trap. Roads are fine.

As a man of the people it was on a polished parquet floor

hopkinb

tlw1 said:

hopkinb said:

tlw1 said:

Will it help my hip I’ve just fallen on? Looks like no running for me and a step count of a lazy censored

Slippy out? I just slid down to the offie. Pavements death trap. Roads are fine.

As a man of the people it was on a polished parquet floor

Good man, I'd expect nothing less. Were you impaled on the halberd of the family suit of armour on the way down? I do hope not.

MattFalle

I suppose the family portraits looked down at you, their eyes seemingly following you around the room?

veronese68

Evening folks,
A day of wfh for me, busy as always. Unfortunately so busy my beautiful assistant isn't enough and she does the lions share of the work. I spend far too long fending off stupidity by phone, email and now on Teams. How is it Piña claims he is too busy to post until the end of the day but is top poster of ballcocks? Quality ballcocks today I grant you. I'm just tired and grumpy.
I'm impressed TLW, you go out running in the wilds regardless of snow and general slippiness then go aris' over when you're indoors. As a time served last aider at work my advice is to take two spoons of Calpol and see me in the morning. If it leaks apply a Mr Men plaster. I learnt this from the MF living in my garage.
Oh, before I wonder into the knee thread is crepitus an attempt at being clever because the knee, and probably more, is decrepit?
Going to have a shower now, showering in the evening enables one to wash off accumulation of stupidity that is flung during the course of the day and facilitates a slightly lazier start come the morning.

MattFalle

crepitus is a pukka medical term that has been really badly misused in this context.

the guy has got something completely different wrong with his knee - nothing to do with arthiritis or, as FA suggested for some incomprehensible reason, tendonitis.

veronese68

Ah gotcha, you're more useful than the MF in the garage then. Actually I'm a bit worried about him. I went out to tell him that crepitus is a thing and thought we could have a conversation that maybe the words shared a common root or something but he just growled at me and demanded I smell his sandwich. As I was leaving a crumpled note was shoved under the door saying "get tube pri..." And I couldn't make out the rest of the word. Does he want primula or pringles? I think the cold is getting to him.