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Pro Race Replacement Classic [SPOILERS]

Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,707
in Pro race
Okay, given the utter lack of racing, I've scoured the schedules and found the one remaining chipper in the racing calendar: The Pro Race Replacement Classic. Completely unsanctioned by any international cycling body whatsoever, the television rights are apparently held in perpetuity by Ceefax - which is a bit awkward as it was switched off in 2012.

Nonetheless, as we're unlikely to get any real racing for a while we might as well make the most of it, so here's the official spoiler thread for a race that never existed anywhere other than in our own fevered imaginations. Fortunately we all know how racing works and what we're likely to see, so feel free to post spoilers here for what may well be the best - indeed only - remaining race of the season.

Parcours:

Controversially the organisers have refused to release a map of the parcours, reasoning that it'll only make the racing less interesting if the riders or audience know where they're going. Nominally a one-dayer, the Pro-Race Replacement Classic follows whatever route it damn well fancies for as long as it wants. Never has the phrase "indeterminate sprint" been more fitting.

The weather:



100% bangers. Rain, wind, mud - knock yourself out.

The alcohol:

Very important part of any spoiler thread, this. The official alcohol of the 2020 Pro Race Replacement Classic is a highly sought after little number, unavailable in all good chemists...



The riders:

Anyone you want. Except Turbo Durbo because that's not actually a person's name, Carlton.

The rules:

We all know how racing works. We all know what happens in races. Make sure it all happens - and we only have a finish when proper racing resumes.

Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
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Posts

  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,707
    Late withdrawal: Eurosport reporting that Riccardo Riccò has inevitably been forced to withdraw after "failing to give a sample in a manner surprising to the testers"...


    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,974
    Really pleased to see the Euskaltel–Euskadi team reformed specially for this race.

    Reports coming in of a rider down in the neutral zone.
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • sherersherer Posts: 2,456
    ONCE are back but having an identity crisis, four members of the team are in pink, the other three are in yellow
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,707
    Movistar following their usual practice of entering nine teams to major races, spread across just one eight-man squad.
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • RichN95.RichN95. Posts: 26,539
    sherer said:

    ONCE are back but having an identity crisis, four members of the team are in pink, the other three are in yellow


    Laurent Jalabert has said that those daily injections his doctor gives him "must be a vaccine", but he never bothered to ask.
    Twitter: @RichN95
  • gsk82gsk82 Posts: 3,251
    In a sharp turn away from recent trends, all teams are riding disk brake unequipped bikes.

    The footon servetto team bikes were stolen from outside a drive through Starbucks this morning. So they will be taking part on foot.
    "Unfortunately these days a lot of people don’t understand the real quality of a bike" Ernesto Colnago
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,707
    edited March 2020
    gsk82 said:

    So they will be taking part on foot.

    Come now, that'd never hap-




    Ah.
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • ocdupalaisocdupalais Posts: 4,104
    St 1: Galway. 178km
    Jan Ullrich was looking incredibly fit in his re-working of the Bianchi kit of 2003 in Emerald Green in celebration of St Patrick's Day. Unfortunately, whilst riding with one hand over his most blurry eye, he crashed into Shaun Ryder and Bez from the Happy Mondays who were on a creative retreat with Pete Doherty. Unavailable for comment since.
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,707
    ocdupalais said:

    St 1: Galway. 178km
    Jan Ullrich was looking incredibly fit in his re-working of the Bianchi kit of 2003 in Emerald Green in celebration of St Patrick's Day. Unfortunately, whilst riding with one hand over his most blurry eye, he crashed into Shaun Ryder and Bez from the Happy Mondays who were on a creative retreat with Pete Doherty. Unavailable for comment since.

    This sounds disturbingly like it ought to be true. It's like someone mentioning "the 1970s sugar riots" last week and I'm still not sure whether it's a real thing or not.

    Meanwhile with all his main rivals absent and as a roaring favourite with the bookies, Porte has to be a certainty for third, right? Still in the neutralised zone right now, usual suspects jostling at the front to fight to be in the first break.

    Also - dare I?


    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • specialgueststarspecialgueststar Posts: 3,417
    Rossetto Offredo and Jacky Durand are actually going to be pneumatically catapulted from 0 km to get the race underway
  • sherersherer Posts: 2,456
    Thomas De Gendt has already gone in the break, even though the race hasnt started yet
  • shinyhelmutshinyhelmut Posts: 1,359
    Davide Rebellin talking up his chances in a pre-race interview. He's expecting the rest of the field will have retired before the undetermined finish line but he hopes to still be going strong.
  • RichN95.RichN95. Posts: 26,539
    Carlton Kirby thinks Si Clarke will be big threat today
    Twitter: @RichN95
  • specialgueststarspecialgueststar Posts: 3,417
    edited March 2020
    Due to an oversight the early route goes through an industrial area that is crisscrossed by freight railway lines. Despite Wordperfect making an unexpected return to the peloton one can only remember years ago when 5 of their riders got in the early break but were caught at the first level crossing ( cement to Dusseldorf) at 6 km . They were delayed 7 minutes and the peloton caught them. They were then set off and given their 3.30 minutes break time and luckily got through the next crossing at 9km although this time the peloton were delayed for 9 minutes ( coal to Bruges). Unfortunately the break were held up again at crossing 3 ( limestone Amiens) at 14km and crossing 4 ( slate Gent) at 19 km . The peloton were sent the wrong way at a roundabout and managed to catch the break , however they found themselves on the opposite side of crossing 3 to the break and had to wait until the gates were opened so that they could catch the break ( although they were given a calculated 23 minutes head start) .

    The first hour saw a total of 11 km racing

    This was from that race, due to an oversight ( hmmm) there were no supporting vehicles. The mechanics had to run with the riders . This is Van Hooy between crossings 3 and 4 . You cant see it but he has the rail timetables for the whole region taped to his top tube. He is flat out trying to beat the 11. 28 from Charleroi

  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,707
    All about the marginal trains, eh?
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,974
    Sep's got a mechanical.
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,974
    Rumours doing the rounds suggest they're doing the Arenberg TWICE! Once from each direction. Would definitely be interesting to see what it looks like backwards. This secret parcours could be superb.
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • RichN95.RichN95. Posts: 26,539
    sherer said:

    Thomas De Gendt has already gone in the break, even though the race hasnt started yet


    A shock turn of events as De Gendt is beaten up by some bandits from 1904
    Twitter: @RichN95
  • joe_totale-2joe_totale-2 Posts: 1,333
    edited March 2020
    DID YOU KNOW THAT PRIMOZ ROGLIC USED TO BE A SKI JUMPER?!?

    Due to peer pressure, Primoz Roglic to swap his bike for some skis at the top of the final climb and attempt to jump his way across the finish.
  • above_the_cowsabove_the_cows Posts: 11,406
    Pedro Delgado's Donkey Sanctuary was a special stop on today's route, with an extra special guest!


    Correlation is not causation.
  • kingstongrahamkingstongraham Posts: 23,429
    Have they caught the lone guy from Wanty Groupe Gobert?
  • specialgueststarspecialgueststar Posts: 3,417
    kingstongraham said:

    Have they caught the lone guy from Wanty Groupe Gobert?

    He's been out that long the sponsorship has changed to Circus-Wanty Gobert

    He stopped mid break to have a photo in the new kit and then got straight back to it


  • LongshotLongshot Posts: 940
    Steve Cummings, having returned for this race from retirement, is hanging out at the back of the peloton.
    You can fool some of the people all of the time. Concentrate on those people.
  • kingstongrahamkingstongraham Posts: 23,429
    I even miss Moto2
  • No_Ta_DoctorNo_Ta_Doctor Posts: 11,974
    Cav not looking great on that climb there.
    “Road racing was over and the UCI had banned my riding positions on the track, so it was like ‘Jings, crivvens, help ma Boab, what do I do now? I know, I’ll go away and be depressed for 10 years’.”

    @DrHeadgear

    The Vikings are coming!
  • Lanterne_RogueLanterne_Rogue Posts: 3,707
    Long way to the end if they do manage to shift him out the back. Too early to start a "Cav finished 2020" thread?
    Twitter: @canocola @thedreadships
  • specialgueststarspecialgueststar Posts: 3,417
    He's still got most of his 32 man lead out train with him though. Definitely hugs all round if he makes the time cut
  • specialgueststarspecialgueststar Posts: 3,417
    Zulle has attacked
  • specialgueststarspecialgueststar Posts: 3,417
    Zulle has crashed
  • ProssPross Posts: 35,502
    No_Ta_Doctor said:

    Cav not looking great on that climb there.

    He's finished
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