Pro Race Replacement Classic [SPOILERS]

Lanterne_Rogue

Okay, given the utter lack of racing, I've scoured the schedules and found the one remaining chipper in the racing calendar: The Pro Race Replacement Classic. Completely unsanctioned by any international cycling body whatsoever, the television rights are apparently held in perpetuity by Ceefax - which is a bit awkward as it was switched off in 2012.

Nonetheless, as we're unlikely to get any real racing for a while we might as well make the most of it, so here's the official spoiler thread for a race that never existed anywhere other than in our own fevered imaginations. Fortunately we all know how racing works and what we're likely to see, so feel free to post spoilers here for what may well be the best - indeed only - remaining race of the season.

Parcours:

Controversially the organisers have refused to release a map of the parcours, reasoning that it'll only make the racing less interesting if the riders or audience know where they're going. Nominally a one-dayer, the Pro-Race Replacement Classic follows whatever route it damn well fancies for as long as it wants. Never has the phrase "indeterminate sprint" been more fitting.

The weather:



100% bangers. Rain, wind, mud - knock yourself out.

The alcohol:

Very important part of any spoiler thread, this. The official alcohol of the 2020 Pro Race Replacement Classic is a highly sought after little number, unavailable in all good chemists...



The riders:

Anyone you want. Except Turbo Durbo because that's not actually a person's name, Carlton.

The rules:

We all know how racing works. We all know what happens in races. Make sure it all happens - and we only have a finish when proper racing resumes.

Lanterne_Rogue

Late withdrawal: Eurosport reporting that Riccardo Riccò has inevitably been forced to withdraw after "failing to give a sample in a manner surprising to the testers"...

No_Ta_Doctor

Really pleased to see the Euskaltel–Euskadi team reformed specially for this race.

Reports coming in of a rider down in the neutral zone.

sherer

ONCE are back but having an identity crisis, four members of the team are in pink, the other three are in yellow

Lanterne_Rogue

Movistar following their usual practice of entering nine teams to major races, spread across just one eight-man squad.

RichN95.

sherer said:

ONCE are back but having an identity crisis, four members of the team are in pink, the other three are in yellow

Laurent Jalabert has said that those daily injections his doctor gives him "must be a vaccine", but he never bothered to ask.

gsk82

In a sharp turn away from recent trends, all teams are riding disk brake unequipped bikes.

The footon servetto team bikes were stolen from outside a drive through Starbucks this morning. So they will be taking part on foot.

Lanterne_Rogue

gsk82 said:

So they will be taking part on foot.

Come now, that'd never hap-




Ah.

ocdupalais

St 1: Galway. 178km
Jan Ullrich was looking incredibly fit in his re-working of the Bianchi kit of 2003 in Emerald Green in celebration of St Patrick's Day. Unfortunately, whilst riding with one hand over his most blurry eye, he crashed into Shaun Ryder and Bez from the Happy Mondays who were on a creative retreat with Pete Doherty. Unavailable for comment since.

Lanterne_Rogue

ocdupalais said:

St 1: Galway. 178km
Jan Ullrich was looking incredibly fit in his re-working of the Bianchi kit of 2003 in Emerald Green in celebration of St Patrick's Day. Unfortunately, whilst riding with one hand over his most blurry eye, he crashed into Shaun Ryder and Bez from the Happy Mondays who were on a creative retreat with Pete Doherty. Unavailable for comment since.

This sounds disturbingly like it ought to be true. It's like someone mentioning "the 1970s sugar riots" last week and I'm still not sure whether it's a real thing or not.

Meanwhile with all his main rivals absent and as a roaring favourite with the bookies, Porte has to be a certainty for third, right? Still in the neutralised zone right now, usual suspects jostling at the front to fight to be in the first break.

Also - dare I?

specialgueststar

Rossetto Offredo and Jacky Durand are actually going to be pneumatically catapulted from 0 km to get the race underway

sherer

Thomas De Gendt has already gone in the break, even though the race hasnt started yet

shinyhelmut

Davide Rebellin talking up his chances in a pre-race interview. He's expecting the rest of the field will have retired before the undetermined finish line but he hopes to still be going strong.

RichN95.

Carlton Kirby thinks Si Clarke will be big threat today

specialgueststar

Due to an oversight the early route goes through an industrial area that is crisscrossed by freight railway lines. Despite Wordperfect making an unexpected return to the peloton one can only remember years ago when 5 of their riders got in the early break but were caught at the first level crossing ( cement to Dusseldorf) at 6 km . They were delayed 7 minutes and the peloton caught them. They were then set off and given their 3.30 minutes break time and luckily got through the next crossing at 9km although this time the peloton were delayed for 9 minutes ( coal to Bruges). Unfortunately the break were held up again at crossing 3 ( limestone Amiens) at 14km and crossing 4 ( slate Gent) at 19 km . The peloton were sent the wrong way at a roundabout and managed to catch the break , however they found themselves on the opposite side of crossing 3 to the break and had to wait until the gates were opened so that they could catch the break ( although they were given a calculated 23 minutes head start) .

The first hour saw a total of 11 km racing

This was from that race, due to an oversight ( hmmm) there were no supporting vehicles. The mechanics had to run with the riders . This is Van Hooy between crossings 3 and 4 . You cant see it but he has the rail timetables for the whole region taped to his top tube. He is flat out trying to beat the 11. 28 from Charleroi

Lanterne_Rogue

All about the marginal trains, eh?

No_Ta_Doctor

Sep's got a mechanical.

No_Ta_Doctor

Rumours doing the rounds suggest they're doing the Arenberg TWICE! Once from each direction. Would definitely be interesting to see what it looks like backwards. This secret parcours could be superb.

RichN95.

sherer said:

Thomas De Gendt has already gone in the break, even though the race hasnt started yet

A shock turn of events as De Gendt is beaten up by some bandits from 1904

joe_totale-2

DID YOU KNOW THAT PRIMOZ ROGLIC USED TO BE A SKI JUMPER?!?

Due to peer pressure, Primoz Roglic to swap his bike for some skis at the top of the final climb and attempt to jump his way across the finish.

above_the_cows

Pedro Delgado's Donkey Sanctuary was a special stop on today's route, with an extra special guest!

kingstongraham

Have they caught the lone guy from Wanty Groupe Gobert?

specialgueststar

kingstongraham said:

Have they caught the lone guy from Wanty Groupe Gobert?

He's been out that long the sponsorship has changed to Circus-Wanty Gobert

He stopped mid break to have a photo in the new kit and then got straight back to it

Longshot

Steve Cummings, having returned for this race from retirement, is hanging out at the back of the peloton.

kingstongraham

I even miss Moto2

No_Ta_Doctor

Cav not looking great on that climb there.

Lanterne_Rogue

Long way to the end if they do manage to shift him out the back. Too early to start a "Cav finished 2020" thread?

specialgueststar

He's still got most of his 32 man lead out train with him though. Definitely hugs all round if he makes the time cut

specialgueststar

Zulle has attacked

specialgueststar

Zulle has crashed

Pross

No_Ta_Doctor said:

Cav not looking great on that climb there.

He's finished