Gazza H and Pinno's top life tips

pinno

For a messed up world... full of messed up people.

Chuck it by us - whatever it is, we'll help.

jeremy1

??????????? what

Stevo_666

Pinno wrote:

For a messed up world... full of messed up people.

Chuck it by us - whatever it is, we'll help.

Be afraid...be very afraid...

seanoconn

Jeremy's is an interesting question.

Selling a property. Go high and hope someone will be stupid enough? Or a lower price for quick sale?

Garry H

seanoconn wrote:

Jeremy's is an interesting question.

Selling a property. Go high and hope someone will be stupid enough? Or a lower price for quick sale?

Smash it up with a hammer and sell it bit by bit. Failing that, chuck it into next door's garden.

Next.

philcubed

I recently accidently acquired a large country, despite trying my hardest not to. What should I do with it? ( bearing in mind nuclear weapons came free with it).

Garry H

philcubed wrote:

I recently accidently acquired a large country, despite trying my hardest not to. What should I do with it? ( bearing in mind nuclear weapons came free with it).

Easy. Divide it up into two equal halves (Philus Major and Philus Minor), remembering to keep the weapons in your own half. Once this is done, invade the other half and force the people into slavery and abject poverty. Stick the men to work in the salt mines (You have salt mines, ok) and all the fit women are yours to do with as you please.

orraloon

This fat bloke with a posh voice and floppy hair promised me we could spend £350m per week extra on the NHS.

My Ernie's had his hip replacement postponed because the Spanish surgeon has gone home and they can't afford to recruit more staff,

What can I do?

Ethel from Clacton

PS my MP has done a runner as well.

Garry H

orraloon wrote:

This fat bloke with a posh voice and floppy hair promised me we could spend £350m per week extra on the NHS.

My Ernie's had his hip replacement postponed because the Spanish surgeon has gone home and they can't afford to recruit more staff,

What can I do?

Ethel from Clacton

PS my MP has done a runner as well.

Pull yourself together Ethel. You've only yourself to blame, for being a thick, gullible moron. But look on the bright side, you'll get your country back soon!

pinno

orraloon wrote:

This fat bloke with a posh voice and floppy hair promised me we could spend £350m per week extra on the NHS.

I think he actually meant £3.50

orraloon wrote:

My Ernie's had his hip replacement postponed because the Spanish surgeon has gone home and they can't afford to recruit more staff,

What can I do?

Send Ernie to Spain.

orraloon wrote:

PS my MP has done a runner as well.

Run for the position yourself when they announce the by-election date then declare independence and bring in some foreign Doctors to run your health service and you can make the Posh bloke with floppy hair wanted dead or alive should he come to visit your new country.

pinno

Two ideas for the price of one Ethel - how good is that?

pinno

jeremy1 wrote:

??????????? what

Is it me or do you have a touch of Parkinson's disease? You need to book an appointment with your GP and make use of the plethora of modern pharmaceutical products available.
Once you commence your treatment, it is quite possible that repetitive key strokes become less exaggerated.

Matthewfalle

I spent 1 1/2 hours today watching the latest Smurf movie and have absolutely no idea at what it was about.

How do I deal with this?

pinno

Matthewfalle wrote:

I spent 1 1/2 hours today watching the latest Smurf movie and have absolutely no idea at what it was about.

How do I deal with this?

Drink some baby milk and go to sleep.

Garry H

Matthewfalle wrote:

I spent 1 1/2 hours today watching the latest Smurf movie and have absolutely no idea at what it was about.

How do I deal with this?

Two for the price of one. Listen to this and chill out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eK6SYVyZRk

That bassist is the coolest person I've ever seen.

crispybug2

Garry H wrote:

That bassist is the coolest person I've ever seen.

Of course he's the coolest person you've ever seen............... HE'S THE BASSIST!!!!!!!! It goes with the territory.

Also, that's a Geddy Lee signature Fender Jazz bass, which tops the list of the basses I would most like to own!

Garry H

crispybug2 wrote:

Garry H wrote:

That bassist is the coolest person I've ever seen.

Of course he's the coolest person you've ever seen............... HE'S THE BASSIST!!!!!!!! It goes with the territory.

Also, that's a Geddy Lee signature Fender Jazz bass, which tops the list of the basses I would most like to own!

Good point. Second coolest bassist I've ever seen then.

Garry H

crispybug2 wrote:

Garry H wrote:

That bassist is the coolest person I've ever seen.

Of course he's the coolest person you've ever seen............... HE'S THE BASSIST!!!!!!!! It goes with the territory.

Also, that's a Geddy Lee signature Fender Jazz bass, which tops the list of the basses I would most like to own!

Just came across this band today. How did I miss them?

You know about them then?

Flâneur

Help,

I was invited to join the exclusive, secrative, wine club at some local posh wine bar/shop i frequent, what do I do

Garry H

Flâneur wrote:

Help,

I was invited to join the exclusive, secrative, wine club at some local posh wine bar/shop i frequent, what do I do

Any norks in attendance? If so, the question will answer itself.

crispybug2

Garry H wrote:

crispybug2 wrote:

Garry H wrote:

That bassist is the coolest person I've ever seen.

Of course he's the coolest person you've ever seen............... HE'S THE BASSIST!!!!!!!! It goes with the territory.

Also, that's a Geddy Lee signature Fender Jazz bass, which tops the list of the basses I would most like to own!

Good point. Second coolest bassist I've ever seen then.

Actually he's the third coolest bassist you've ever seen, all cool bassists ​must form an orderly queue behind Paul Simonon!

Garry H

crispybug2 wrote:

Garry H wrote:

crispybug2 wrote:

Garry H wrote:

That bassist is the coolest person I've ever seen.

Of course he's the coolest person you've ever seen............... HE'S THE BASSIST!!!!!!!! It goes with the territory.

Also, that's a Geddy Lee signature Fender Jazz bass, which tops the list of the basses I would most like to own!

Good point. Second coolest bassist I've ever seen then.

Actually he's the third coolest bassist you've ever seen, all cool bassists ​must form an orderly queue behind Paul Simonon!

Bang on! As I said, that guy's the second. Marginally better player though

pinno

Flâneur wrote:

Help,

I was invited to join the exclusive, secrative, wine club at some local posh wine bar/shop i frequent, what do I do

If it's a cover for some sort of swinger meetings, you'll have to run it by the new 'date' or else they might think you're taking the pi$$ when you turn up on your own.

slowmart

There's a mad ISIS dude heading your way waving his knife and shouting. Do you
A. Find a UKIP supporter and ask them to attend to the situation by acting as a human shield
B. Point and shout- there's Douglas Carswell and your place in Telford, sorry paradise is assured.
C. None of these and drop the cunt before using his own knife to send him to Allah.

pinno

That's Gazza territory that one - he's from the Valleys you see, so he's used to that sort of sh1t so i'll let him deal with that one.

Garry H

Slowmart wrote:

There's a mad ISIS dude heading your way waving his knife and shouting. Do you
A. Find a UKIP supporter and ask them to attend to the situation by acting as a human shield
B. Point and shout- there's Douglas Carswell and your place in Telford, sorry paradise is assured.
C. None of these and drop the **** before using his own knife to send him to Allah.

I'll take that one.

Drop him on the spot then beat him about the head with a piece of wood with rusty screws in it. Once you've finished with him, do the same to Carswell and the UKIP supporter. Then chop their todgers off and shove them into each others mouths. Do the last bit just before they breathe their last, leaving the ISIS dude under no illusion about going to paradise. Job jobbed.

pinno

You see ^? Amazing.

Garry H

MF will sort you out for the piece of wood, if you don't already own one.

pinno

He might have to sneak into his neighbours garden to retrieve it but his military experience will see him through.

slowmart

Garry H wrote:

MF will sort you out for the piece of wood, if you don't already own one.

Don't you know MF doesn't like clubs?

slowmart

Or club riders

Strange really when this is a cycling forum.