Inspirational Messages

city_boy

Either lead, follow or get out of the f**king way.

capt_slog

arran77 wrote:

How about everyone's favourite shirker, Homer Simpson...

A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

You forgot......

"Cover for me."

and

"It was like that when I got here."

Two of the three(?) phrases he told Bart when he thought he was dying from eating Fugu fish.
Possibly the third was "I was just resting my eyes".

greasedscotsman

Capt Slog wrote:

arran77 wrote:

How about everyone's favourite shirker, Homer Simpson...

A nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

You forgot......

"Cover for me."

and

"It was like that when I got here."

Two of the three(?) phrases he told Bart when he thought he was dying from eating Fugu fish.
Possibly the third was "I was just resting my eyes".

Wasn't it "Good idea boss".

Kieran_Burns

"Don't make plans for the day... the courts start using the word "pre-meditated" then"

team47b

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce

ballysmate

team47b wrote:

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce

Or
The further you fall, the wider you spread.

city_boy

Marriage is like a pack of cards.
First it starts off with hearts and diamonds
And then you just wish you had a club and a spade!

pinno

I found that website A77:

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Boy who go to sleep with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who loves and loses, have not right lawyer.
Man who pushes piano down mine shaft get A flat miner.
Television never replace old reliable key hole.
Laziest man in world who marry widow with six children.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Man who stutters has a lot to say.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Learn to masturbate- It'll come in handy.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons
Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.

mudsucker

Stress is caused by giving a sh*t.

Some people are like a slinky. Useless at a standstill but funny when pushed down stairs.

Spectators will never know what it means to hurt for a reason.

And another take on one mentioned above : there is no I in team but there is a U in c*nt.

meursault

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

mr_goo

I'm not insane. My mother had me tested.

A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.

In Papa New Guinea, there's a tribe when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course, but one can see their point.

jaxf

www.despair.com - tagline - motivational products don't work but our demotivators don't work even better .....
I like 'Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people' and

I once worked for a boss who honestly thought a few sh1tty posters with 'inspirational' messages would make us all happy productive drones - w@nker. So, I bought him a couple of posters from despair.com, after 3, he got the message. This was the one that swung it .....
'If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.'

Giraffoto

When you hear yourself saying "hold my beer and check this out", stop and do not do whatever you're thinking of doing

arran77

pinarello001 wrote:

I found that website A77:

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Boy who go to sleep with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man who loves and loses, have not right lawyer.
Man who pushes piano down mine shaft get A flat miner.
Television never replace old reliable key hole.
Laziest man in world who marry widow with six children.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Man who stutters has a lot to say.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who drop watch in toilet have sh!tty time.
Learn to masturbate- It'll come in handy.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons
Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.

Flippin eck, daviesee will need a chalk wall for that lot not a chalk board :shock:

simonhead

A mate works for a company who send their staff a motivational, poem or message every day. This is one they got this weekhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdEjL9bVcCM

shockedsoshocked

simonhead wrote:

A mate works for a company who send their staff a motivational, poem or message every day. This is one they got this weekhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdEjL9bVcCM

Just been sick in my mouth a bit.

daviesee

Plenty to choose from.
Must get chalk.

will3

Making love in a canoe is like american beer:
Fucknig close to water.

arran77

will3 wrote:

Making love in a canoe is like american beer:
Fucknig close to water.

simonhead

ShockedSoShocked wrote:

simonhead wrote:

A mate works for a company who send their staff a motivational, poem or message every day. This is one they got this weekhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdEjL9bVcCM

Just been sick in my mouth a bit.

Pretty vile isnt it. He has stored them all from the last few years and has ranked them in terms of how cheesy/vile they are, that is pretty close to the top.

secretsam

John Kline wrote:

"I've met the man on the street. He's a c*nt". Sid Vicious

Now, I thought it was Joe Strummer, who said "Why should I care what the man in the street thinks? He's a cnut"

But I could be wrong

how about the punchline to a joke I know:
"Not everyone who dumps you in the sh17 is your enemy,
Not everyone who digs you out of the sh17 is your friend,
and...

...if you're in the sh17 and happy, keep quiet"

shortcuts

If you aren't living on the edge, you are taking up too much space.

john_kline

SecretSam wrote:

John Kline wrote:

"I've met the man on the street. He's a c*nt". Sid Vicious

Now, I thought it was Joe Strummer, who said "Why should I care what the man in the street thinks? He's a cnut"

But I could be wrong

how about the punchline to a joke I know:
"Not everyone who dumps you in the sh17 is your enemy,
Not everyone who digs you out of the sh17 is your friend,
and...

...if you're in the sh17 and happy, keep quiet"

No mate, according to the Grauniad it was Sydney:

http://www.theguardian.com/music/2004/s ... popandrock

pinno

meursault wrote:

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

We have the alternative in Scotland:

"If at first you don't succeed
Wrap yer foreskin over yer heed
and burrel on yer elbow"

kingofthetailwind

"You can make things happen, you can watch things happen, or you can wonder what the f*** happened”.

The late, great Capt. Phil Harris from Deadliest Catch.

4kicks

My favourite and often quoted phrase of management inspiration is
"what part of shut the F**k up and do as youre told do you not understand?": And Ive got an MBA

dmclite-3.0

simonhead wrote:

A mate works for a company who send their staff a motivational, poem or message every day. This is one they got this weekhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdEjL9bVcCM

I watched this all the way through. When the singing started I really got the chuckles, thanks for posting, you have made my night, Geese...............FFS

crumbschief

Man who eat too much curry slip into a korma

sungod

not sure it's inspirational in general, but...

i'm in the virgin clubhouse at heathrow and the lovely lady just asked if i'd like another champagne

inspired me to say "yes please"