Offensive, non racist, non sexist jokes. Warning may offend!

ballysmate

MattC59 wrote:

Ballysmate wrote:

MattC59 wrote:

Off you go fellas, rules are in the title......

I've got a blinder, but I'll see how this plays out first

Come on Matt. Out with it.

What noise does a baby make when you boil it ?

Dunno. I give up.

Anonymous

How do you get a gay man to have sex with a woman?

Anonymous

coriordan wrote:

How do you get a gay man to have sex with a woman?

Sh!t in her cun7

ballysmate

Matt, can we have the punchline now?

meursault

Hey!, my grandfather died in a concentration camp. He got drunk and fell off the guard tower.

MattC59

Ballysmate wrote:

Matt, can we have the punchline now?

Didn't I put the punch line in a different thread ?

simonhead

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.



So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

AlexMac1973

simonhead wrote:

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.



So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Now that made me chuckle

Reminds me of a something a friend and me go up to years ago:

We asked his girlfriend if she wanted anything from the shop, she said "surprise me". She definately was when we came back with a pack of tampax and a box of mothballs!

pinno

Guy on a bar stool shouts at the barman. "Gimme another f*cking drink". Barman refuses and the bloke falls off the bar stool. "See, you've had enough, go home". Bloke lying on the floor shouts "Get me a f*cking taxi then".
Bloke crawls out of the bar. Crawls along the pavement. Drags himself into the taxi. Taxi delivers him home. Bloke falls out of taxi, he crawls up to the front door and hammers his fist on it.
The OH answers the door and shouts "You've been drinking again". "How do you know?" Shouts the anebriated bloke lying on the ground.
His OH says "Because the barman just rung me to say you left your bloody wheelchair behind again".

dmclite-3.0

It seems cadbury has been quick to try and corner the oriental market with some clever marketing ploys.

Or the above info may just be a Chinese Wispa.

city_boy

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy!

pinno

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'