Daytime TV

nevman

I`ve been watching too much recently (Mrs nevman calls it `company`),and its badly affected me.I actually feel sorry for Harry Hill and Charlie Brooker.
Lazy,derivative,unoriginal,bland,its basically annoying moving wallpaper for the lowest common denominator.On the principle of giving the masses more of what they want here are a few more suggestions..

Attics under the Hammer.
The premise-we all have attics,dont we,so we send our guest presenter round to explore whats in yours.Each week we uncover all those stashed vinyls you are keeping `just in case`,damp clothing you are never going to wear ever again,unrecognisable DIY tools and general paraphenalia.Host,MC Hammer.

Cash Down Below.
The premise-our production team has travelled to Australia business class and blown the budget.We put Nicki Chapman on a different street each week to see if we can make enough to return.Host,Alvin Hall.

Upstairs,Downstairs.
This is a new format based on a new years resolution.Our chosen participants must adhere to the rule of not going up or downstairs without taking an article with them.The winner is the one to transfer all their belongings/furniture first.One for the grey market, but appealing to all ages in comedic value.Host,Barry from Eastenders.

Cleat Eastwood

Don't forget the startlingly original 'To Buy Or Not To Buy' - which I first thought was a Noddy Holder does Shakespeare masterclass.

MattC59

Tramadol helps !!!
Any recommendations ? I'm getting a little bored of Moderd Warfare 3 !!!
(that said, on Tramadol, I tend to play 'sitting duck' )

GiantMike

Head or no head: 25 boxes, 1 head, 24 melons. Each melon has between £1,000 and £10,000 stapled to it, or a prize (like a speed boat, or a holiday, or a go on Carol Vorderman etc etc)

Each day a contestant is chosen at random. They carry their box with them to the 'contestant seat' and place their box in front of them. They then choose boxes at randon, as many or few as they like. If they select a box with a melon in it they get the money and get to keep this money whenever they choose to stop. For every melon they get they must drink a glass of melon liqueur.

If, however, they choose the head box, the money gets taken away and their head is cut off and put in a box for the next day.

Pick on the desperately poor and/or stupid and you have a sure-fire hit.

DavidBelcher

Holmes Under The Hammer: Each week, talentless salad-dodging jobsworth Eamonn Holmes is auctioned off for various uses (bouncy castle, tower crane balance weight, etc.) that spare us from having to see his fat face on TV. Presented by Nick Knowles [1].

David

[1] Who looks a bit like Super Hans off of Peep Show. Or is that just me?

Redhog14

I thought of one up a while ago: "Hash in the Attic", basically you get load of drug dealers together and they have to find and rent empty houses, install all the required equipment to grow a good crop and then harvest it, sell it and balance off the profits, the winner is the one that makes the most money. 'Cept don't try in my small country village where everyone knows everyone else as you'll get spotted and arrested ya numpty!

Redhog14

DavidBelcher wrote:

Holmes Under The Hammer: Each week, talentless salad-dodging jobsworth Eamonn Holmes is auctioned off for various uses (bouncy castle, tower crane balance weight, etc.) that spare us from having to see his fat face on TV. Presented by Nick Knowles [1].

David

[1] Who looks a bit like Super Hans off of Peep Show. Or is that just me?

Or you could just beat him with various sized hammers, not a show with a long running time but hey, probably worth it, Ch5 could no doubt make it into a 45min special.

DavidBelcher

Redhog14 wrote:

DavidBelcher wrote:

Holmes Under The Hammer: Each week, talentless salad-dodging jobsworth Eamonn Holmes is auctioned off for various uses (bouncy castle, tower crane balance weight, etc.) that spare us from having to see his fat face on TV. Presented by Nick Knowles [1].

David

[1] Who looks a bit like Super Hans off of Peep Show. Or is that just me?

Or you could just beat him with various sized hammers, not a show with a long running time but hey, probably worth it, Ch5 could no doubt make it into a 45min special.

Alternatively, there's Holmes Under The Hammers, in which Eamonn is buried alive beneath the pitch at Upton Park [1], much to the relief of all (except the boards of directors at Greggs and Pukka Pies, who would probably face financial ruin).

David

[1] Or the Boleyn Ground, if you want to be pedantic.

bearfraser

What about Holmes under the Hammer where Eammon is killed savagely with a hammer burried and "Sherlock Holmes" has to find him. (only a few shows but I'm sure the BEEB could show it as a repeat). Mind you anything is preferable to "Bitches on the Box- aka - Loose Women"

Gazzetta67

Daytime TV has it`s advantages - Susannah Reid Phwwwoar 8)

CiB

On CBBC there should be Tracey Beaker, where the now grown-up Tracey is invited to consume beakers of wine and maintain her dignity. Or to don a fake woodpecker's head and see how many trees she can get through in an episode.

There is a CBBC programme called Sorry I've Got No Head, with Marcus Brigstock, Magda off of Lead Balloon and few other names. It doesn't need revising as it's properly funny, and is also wasted on kids.

timmyturbo

i am convinced that day time tv is blatantly so bad , that it is a government conspiricy to have such bad tv that it encourages people to get a job instead of going mad with lorraine and kyle !

DavidBelcher

Mash In The Attic - contestants compete to see how much instant mashed potato they can cram into their loft in a fixed amount of time. Invariably presented by Vernon Kay. Keeps him out of mischief, I suppose.

David Dickinson's Bourbon Hunt - the perma-tanned antiques "expert" tours the UK to find the cheapest source of the popular chocolate-flavoured sandwich biscuits.

Dickinson's Deal Reel - the perma-tanned antiques expert tries his hand at running a cinema in an East Kent coastal town.

Supermarket Sweep - revival of the popular Dale Winton vehicle, presented by Anthony Worrall Thompson. Production now suspended "indefinitely" according to ITV. They wouldn't say why....

Winner Takes Awl - the well known film director, restaurant columnist and insurance salesman goes around the nation's secondary schools nicking tools from their woodwork departments.

David

finchy

Bargain C**t, in which various TV presenters have to find the best deal in Soho.

Kendal Black Drop

DavidBelcher wrote:

Dickinson's Deal Reel - the perma-tanned antiques expert tries his hand at running a cinema in an East Kent coastal town.

Best one so far...!

(Although I would actually watch Redhog14's "Hash in the Attic".)

RichN95.

Saints and Scroungers: Martin Offiah has just one week to organise a group of benefit cheats into a rugby league team in time for a match against St Helens.

pottssteve

Daytime TV is the reason I go to work.

I don't get to watch much, but what's on in the evening is bad enough.

Based on that, how about "Far Eastenders" - a soap opera set amongst the Chinese community in Soho where every, single, episode there's a marriage, unwanted pregnancy or death. The opening episode could have a dodgy local Triad leader cutting and shunting together two written-off sedan chairs. Or "Big Hairy Celebrity Bake Off". Presented by Andy Fordham. People you don't recognise off the TV, gardeners, and Radio 4 presenters compete to make baked goods containing real human hair. Michel Roux Jr. then has to collect the hair and weave it into a toupe before fat Greg Wallace eats it all.

GiantMike

The Biggest To$$er: 6 pairs of 'celebs' confront a series of challenges aimed at reducing their 'to$$iness' At the end of each episode each celeb is scored on the 'To$$ometer', and the pair who have improved the least are stuffed into a sack, with some breezeblocks, and thrown into the lake.

Nigella Express: Tubby potty-mouthed food addict Nigella Lawson cooks a selection of simple but tasty dishes while dodging various Intercity trains.

nevman

ZOO WATCH
Streamed live 24 hours on the red button,celebrity infertile Giant Panda Tian Tian has been replaced at Edinburgh Zoo with look-a likey motor mouth Claudia Winkleman.Meanwhile Tian Tian has now taken over hosting Strictly from embalmer-friendly hoofer Bruce Forsyth.Two shows for the price of one.

MASTER BAKER
Based on a successful format,and shown on Red Hot via subscription,contestants ,crew and presenters are unexplainably naked while carrying out designated cooking task such as Southern fried chicken,fried mackerel fillets,fried ..anything.Hosted by Mary Berry.

ART SCHOOL
Back from retirement,Ozzy tale teller and beard fondler Rolf Harris puts the first coat on St. Martins exterior-can you see it yet?

GiantMike

Mock The Weak: Documentary about the new Govt scheme to get the disabled back to work through controversial 'Point and Laugh' therapy.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is: City Bankers are forced to eat their bonuses.

Put Your Monkey Where Your Mouth Is: Documentary about the darker side of Micheal Jackson's relationship with Bubbles.

James May's Man Flab: The TV celeb and tramp look-alike undergoes liposuction and discovers whether it's possible to power an aircraft using highly refined man fat.

DavidBelcher

Smash In The Attic - much like Cash In The Attic, only presented by Richard Keys & Andy Gray.

David

DavidBelcher

GiantMike wrote:

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is: City Bankers are forced to eat their bonuses.

Alternatively:

Put Your Money Where Your Mouse Is: somewhat gullible contestants compete to see how much of their life savings they can lose via internet phishing scams.

David

GiantMike

Judge Judy: Live coverage of the sour-faced TV bint Judy Finnigan's Old Baily hearing on charges of Crimes Against Humanity.

DavidBelcher

A Spoonful Of Sugar: contestants are challenged to see how much wax they can remove from the Amstrad founder's ears using only everyday household cutlery. The least successful candidates will, inevitably, be fired.

Who Wants To Be A Millipede?: Chris Tarrant forces members of the public to impersonate creepy-crawlies in return for cash rewards.

Beale Or No Beale: Noel Edmonds invites contestants to guess which of the numbered boxes contains long-serving EastEnders cast member Adam Woodyatt.

David

nevman

Genius stuff there,if only,if only.Nobody`s mentioned the elephant in the room,monkey knife-fighting.

DavidBelcher

I nearly overlooked:

Put Your Dunny Where Your House Is: reality show from Australia in which contestants apply for planning permission to build an outside loo.

Total Wipeoff: Richard "not a real hamster" Hammond sees which of the contestants can most effectively clean magic marker residue from a whiteboard.

David

GiantMike

Snogs of Praise: Clergymen and clergywomen 'get it on', accompanied by a background of rousing hymns.

Little Britain: Documantary about Scotland's future once England and Wales leave the Union after their 2013 referendums.

Dancing on Mice: Popular dancing show in which contestants combine Ballroom dancing with vermin control. Not suitable for younger viewers.

MichaelW

GiantMike wrote:

Judge Judy: Live coverage of the sour-faced TV bint Judy Finnigan's Old Baily hearing on charges of Crimes Against Humanity.

One of these days, Judge Judy is going to run out of Stupid People, then where will she be. Yea, you hadn't though about that had you Judge "smartypants" Judy.

GiantMike

It'll be alright on the night: Undercover investigation into the effectiveness of Viagra.

bearfraser

"Big Brother" :- where the goverment mind fcuks you into believing all is well , the euro isn't going to collapse and we'll all end up jobless while they watch us on multiple CCTV's, starve and pensioners die of the cold etc.
OH Wait this is actually happening now (paranoid or what)

DavidBelcher

Life On Deep Fried Mars: celeb reality show in which John Simm & Philip Glenister attempt to survive on nothing but the unhealthiest junk food imaginable for a week.

World Guinness Records - Smashed!: Hardened boozers compete to see how many bottles of Foreign Extra Stout they can neck in a typical lunchtime. Al Murray presents in "Pub Landlord" guise, aided by a slightly guilty looking Keith Chegwin.

David