Know your enemy - a guide to other road users

Kieran_Burns

You need to amend the descriptions for sheep and cows

Sheep have this astonishing accelerative ability. They can go from fluffy scared cloud to sheep-shaped blur in a heartbeat and in a totally random direction bearing NO relation to where they were pointing.

Cows - cows get scared near cyclists and when cows get scared, the scenery turns brown, and this scared gets spread EVERYWHERE when they start running. And they will. You end up in a sea of sh*t with NO way of leaving it without cycling through the scared...

_Brun_

Jeremy Rundle: Can and will crash into anything that moves. Combination of nuclear lighting and air-horn poses significant threats of temporary blinding and deafness. Risk Rating: 7

Wallace1492

Some others from Maryhill Road:

Neds: especially near fireworks night, avoid like the plague. They will have a rocket (not salad leaf type) chasing you up the street in no time, probable bangers launched at you, and if you stop to argue, expect a knock round the head with and empty bottle of Buckie. (Buckfast Tonic wine - otherwise known as "wreck the hoose juice", "commotion lotion" and "Coatbridge Table Wine") Risk 9

Gangsters: even worse than Neds, in fact Neds on steroids. Avoid at all costs. Have local history of removing peoples willies with chisels and drilling into skulls with rechargeable drills. Have taken to carrying DIY tools and gardening equipment to use as makeshift weaponary so as not to raise suspicion when stopped by the Polis. Risk 10

Scottish Terrorists: no bother at all here, no need to avoid at all. Have a habit of driving into bollards, covering themselves in petrol and rolling around on the floor. Cause virtually no harm and and put out of action by a simple punch from a passing baggage handler. Risk 1

Wee Broon Dug: (for the southerners, Little brown canine animal of the dog variety) Very dangerous. They walk about looking very purposeful, in a hurry to get somewhere, but have a habit of suddenly veering off course, or even veering off the head and into attack mode. Extremely vicious, sharp teeth and fearful growl. Risk 8

Maryhill girls: Same as for Wee broon dug. Risk 8

secretsam

hfidgen wrote:

Christ - 9,9,7,6,9,10,10

This just confirms my assumption that everything on the road is trying to kill me :shock:

Welcome to my world. It's not paranoia, everyone is a psycho once they get on the tarmac. :shock: :evil: 8)

andrewjoseph

Us mountain bikers regularly have to watch out for deer, my wife nearly got stampeded over by a small herd on a night ride.

Squirrels and young lambs have suicidal tendencies. A squirrel won't do much damage to you or the bike, but a lamb will do more than loosen a few spokes.

#7rider

Well done SecretSam this is great but for city dwellers two of the biggest culprits are missing. !

Could we have an addendum ?

Van Drivers perhaps biggest menace to cyclists and most other road users also beware smaller vans “driven” by builders/plumbers where more nimble means more dangerous, look out for unpredictable darting across lanes, sudden left turns, RLJing etc with mostly no indication whatsoever. Expect also verbal abuse especially when you're in the right. Risk rating: 9 +1 for white and small vans

Pedestrians becoming more hazardous, often unable to judge speed of approaching cyclist, likely, to cross just as lights turn green completely ignoring red man sign, look the wrong way when crossing, cross behind a bus or step out from in slow lane of traffic, can be very painful to you if hit and will blame you with comments like "you she get a bell etc". Quite likely to just stand and panic if you warn them. Risk rating: 8 +1 Central London +1 using a blackberry

keyser__soze

richVSrich wrote:

horses - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhHg-tN2f_o&feature=fvst

a very WTF moment!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdUa49rJ ... re=related too

kieranb

Also

Cars (Blinged up) Can be usually heard before being seen as revved up engine and driving consists of stop start accelerations as they speed up to the next car, lights etc. Beware of in bright daylight as the sun shining off the polished surface can dazzle. Also drivers vision can be obstructed by darkened glass + various stickers on windows. Driven mainly by young men, usually 3 or 4 in a car. Risk rating : 9 +1 if passengers present as desire to impress passengers overrides any safety considerations.


By the by, over the last 2 years I have had deer run in front of my path on the road in the North Downs area.

dm38

SecretSam wrote:

Pedestrians: lemmings. All of them. Assume they WILL step out in front of you. Bells totally pointless, shouting usually best…Risk rating: 9 but + several million if they have a headphones and / or mobile phone in use.

So right with this one! I knocked into a pedestrian yesterday on Tooley st. He literally walked out from between two buses - I had no where to go as the pavement was packed with people on my left and to my right was a jam of buses. I screamed as it's more effective than ringing my bell but he had headphones on so was completely oblivious to anything going on around him. Thankfully for him I was going quite slowly anyway and the only damgage done was his Pret coffee going all over his coat and pastry.

I would add esp in London - beware of dogs off the lead esp if there is a park within a mile of your cycling route. And should they chase you don't brake because you feel bad about hitting the bugger - I did that thinking oooh I can't hit the poor viscous thing and my leg and foot paid the price and it wasn't pretty! Also dogs have a habit of running onto the cycle paths in parks in that situation I would brake for it :P

secretsam

kieranb wrote:

Also

Cars (Blinged up) Can be usually heard before being seen as revved up engine and driving consists of stop start accelerations as they speed up to the next car, lights etc. Beware of in bright daylight as the sun shining off the polished surface can dazzle. Also drivers vision can be obstructed by darkened glass + various stickers on windows. Driven mainly by young men, usually 3 or 4 in a car. Risk rating : 9 +1 if passengers present as desire to impress passengers overrides any safety considerations.


By the by, over the last 2 years I have had deer run in front of my path on the road in the North Downs area.

Mr Max Power and all his evil acolytes are now in the mix. But deer I am resisting, not being a bog-trotter. But I might be persuaded if anyone can claim to have encountered one in an area with a) tarmac underfoot and b) population density of more than 2 people per square Km

nation

yocto wrote:

2) Dogs. Again for when you’re pootling in a park. They somehow fail to realise the threat you pose them if they were to get run over and dash right under one of your wheels. Then there’s the dog owner to be worried about, who you will scream at you for running over the damn thing!!

Farm dogs are worse.

I had a "life flashing before my eyes" moment in the Lakes when I was riding back to the place we were staying after bailing on an overly ambitious XC route. I was descending a long, fairly steep hill at in excess of 40mph.

Farm dog evidently saw me coming, and launched out of the gate next to the road barking its head off. Braked (never been so thankful for discs), swerved, but the thing was apparently intent on attacking my front wheel. It dodged out of the way at the last possible second, and I made my escape.

I had to have a sit down for about ten minutes before I stopped shaking.

dhope

SecretSam wrote:

But I might be persuaded if anyone can claim to have encountered one in an area with a) tarmac underfoot and b) population density of more than 2 people per square Km

Richmond Park Laps?

rick_chasey

Fancy mentioning London Dynamo?


*runs and hides*

secretsam

Rick Chasey wrote:

Fancy mentioning London Dynamo?


*runs and hides*

Is that the red 'n' yellow mob? Look like high speed rhubarb & custard????

rick_chasey

SecretSam wrote:

Rick Chasey wrote:

Fancy mentioning London Dynamo?


*runs and hides*

Is that the red 'n' yellow mob? Look like high speed rhubarb & custard????

No. They're blue.

jimmypippa

nation wrote:

yocto wrote:

2) Dogs. Again for when you’re pootling in a park. They somehow fail to realise the threat you pose them if they were to get run over and dash right under one of your wheels. Then there’s the dog owner to be worried about, who you will scream at you for running over the damn thing!!

Farm dogs are worse.

I had a "life flashing before my eyes" moment in the Lakes when I was riding back to the place we were staying after bailing on an overly ambitious XC route. I was descending a long, fairly steep hill at in excess of 40mph.

Farm dog evidently saw me coming, and launched out of the gate next to the road barking its head off. Braked (never been so thankful for discs), swerved, but the thing was apparently intent on attacking my front wheel. It dodged out of the way at the last possible second, and I made my escape.

I had to have a sit down for about ten minutes before I stopped shaking.

Yes - border collies like trying to heard anything with wheels. By getting low and weaving in front of it as it would with a sheep going in the wrong direction.

thelawnet

Range Rover Sport are only driven by sociopaths, score 10.

rml380z

bails87 wrote:

MTBing on Cannock Chase one night and one of the guys was almost taken out by a stag leaping across the trail.
But it probably is a little bit obscure for commuters.

The majority of reported werewolf sightings in the UK have been in Cannock Chase. No idea of the risk rating...

jonny_trousers

*Desperately wants to suggest, vehicles operated by a certain racial minority, but middle-class, socialist-principled upbringing can't quite bring him to do so. Gah!

andrewjoseph

SecretSam wrote:

... But deer I am resisting, not being a bog-trotter. But I might be persuaded if anyone can claim to have encountered one in an area with a) tarmac underfoot and b) population density of more than 2 people per square Km

.... bugger!

hfidgen

Jonny_Trousers wrote:

*Desperately wants to suggest, vehicles operated by a certain racial minority, but middle-class, socialist-principled upbringing can't quite bring him to do so. Gah!

Does that in any way relate to the souped up cars comment, perhaps leaning towards driving a 2002 model Honda Civic (or if they still live with in the family home a BMW 3 series?)

Know what you mean... regularly have to take avoiding action....

Anonymous

I think Addison Lee drivers (AKA The Black Ford Galaxys of Doom) deserve a special mention.

The large "Addison Lee" logo on the back is not corporate branding, but there as a warning to other road users.

ex-pat scot

andrewjoseph wrote:

SecretSam wrote:

... But deer I am resisting, not being a bog-trotter. But I might be persuaded if anyone can claim to have encountered one in an area with a) tarmac underfoot and b) population density of more than 2 people per square Km

.... bugger!

I often come across deer on my morning commute through the lanes. I know of 4 cars who've hit them nearby in the past 12 months, of which 2 were completely written off.

This time of year, bunnies are a bit of a hazard. Coming down the hill at 35mph they scatter backwards and forwards - several times I've been very close to hitting them. Hares have more sense and can easily out-pace me even tanking along at 25+. Pheasants have absolutely no road sense whatsoever, and are the wildlife equivalent of adolescent scooter-drivers.

Drysuitdiver

not sure enemy is the right word to use but hey ho.

Percy Ingle cake vans in east London, mmmm cake. must follow cake van

secretsam

ex-pat scot wrote:

Pheasants have absolutely no road sense whatsoever, and are the wildlife equivalent of adolescent scooter-drivers.

Pigeons ditto - have nearly totalled a couple recently

But I can't be ar53d adding any more to the list...!

Kieran_Burns

rml380z wrote:

bails87 wrote:

MTBing on Cannock Chase one night and one of the guys was almost taken out by a stag leaping across the trail.
But it probably is a little bit obscure for commuters.

The majority of reported werewolf sightings in the UK have been in Cannock Chase. No idea of the risk rating...

Yeah..... that's probably the Stafford Uni lot indulging in some live action role playing. The Fire breathing Dragon and Nuclear Explosion reported back in 1990 was pretty epic I have to admit

(never allow a pyrotechnician with an explosives license organise a LARP do is all I'll say. I'm just glad I wasn't the poor bugger who was walking past the fire-pit when the extra large maroon went off)

notsoblue

Jonny_Trousers wrote:

*Desperately wants to suggest, vehicles operated by a certain racial minority, but middle-class, socialist-principled upbringing can't quite bring him to do so. Gah!

WTF?

secretsam

I can't believe this wasn't made into a permanent post thing you know, always at the top of the board

I'm so disappointed...

lost_in_thought

RichardSwt wrote:

I think Addison Lee drivers (AKA The Black Ford Galaxys of Doom) deserve a special mention.

The large "Addison Lee" logo on the back is not corporate branding, but there as a warning to other road users.

Agreed! Great post, SS.

jonny_trousers

notsoblue wrote:

Jonny_Trousers wrote:

*Desperately wants to suggest, vehicles operated by a certain racial minority, but middle-class, socialist-principled upbringing can't quite bring him to do so. Gah!

WTF?

I know, it's ridiculous isn't it? I buy The Guardian and have voted Lib-Dem in the past too! Even though I know it's flawed for my brain to make certain assumptions based on personal experience only (and trust me, I do tell it not to be so silly), I just can't stop it. I guess it's much the same as those who suggest middle-class women in 4x4s are a danger to cyclists. We generalise. It maybe foolish and inaccurate to do so, but we do it all the same.