anyone got any jokes? i'm bored

Richie63

Stephen Hawkins comes back after a blind date with severe bruising and a couple of broken bones





turns out she'd stood him up

Richie63

DNA results are in for Osama Bin Laden's body.They're 52% Coconut , 28% Chocolate,12% milk and 8% sugar.


Forensic experts have said this is probably due to the Bounty on his head

Richie63

A Farmer planted a field of Dildos

He now has trouble with squatters

Gazlar

A policeman stopped me today, he said " were looking for winesses, a woman was graped" I said " do you mean raped?" He said "no, there was a bunch of them"

a White horse walks into a bar and say " I'd like a whiskey please" the barman said "deck me a talking horse"

welshkev

Gazlar wrote:

I walked past a guy earlier plAying dancing queen on the digeridoo, I thought to myself "that's Abba-rigonal!"

I walked past a sign earlier that said "Countdown - The Musical" I thought "that must be a play on words"

the worst text I ever received said "I want you inside me now".....it was from my sister, it wasa genuine mistake, she had meant to send it to her boyfriend, but I didn't find that out until it was too late

tim vine?

Gazlar

First one is, second one is mine third one is Paul Foot

Bred2shred

I've just got back from the World Blindfolded Wanking Championships.





I've no idea where I came.

cat_with_no_tail

Tenerife - I'll not beheading there any time soon.

A new car being launched in Portugal, with space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann.



I'm going straight to hell for those ones

Fully-sprung

Bred2shred wrote:

I've just got back from the World Blindfolded Wanking Championships.





I've no idea where I came.

Giggety.

Stevo_666

Cat With No Tail wrote:

I'm going straight to hell for those ones

I think you will, you sicko

Stevo_666

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?





"See you next month."

Muttly1981

I saw a midget dressed as Hitler today!! I thought, that's a little racist!!

woodnut

Had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I woke up and Gloria Gaynor was at the bottom of my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified....

RevellRider

I met a girl in a nightclub the other night and told her 'I'm going to f**k you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine'.

She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.

For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

RedJohn

I am taking part in a charity bike ride in September to raise funds for
Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend has a 7yr old son that suffers from this
and we are raising funds to pay for a years therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous
sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even
more tragic in its consequences. While a child suffering from Tourette's
has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute
Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true
feelings

the Mute Tourette's Foundation using new art therapy techniques. However,
their work can only continue with your help. Just £2.50 will keep a child
supplied with crayons for a whole day. £10.00 will provide them with enough
paper for a week. I would be extremely grateful to anyone who feels able to
help such a deserving cause. Many Thanks in advance.

Click here for a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have
been put to good use.

welshkev

RedJohn wrote:

I am taking part in a charity bike ride in September to raise funds for
Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend has a 7yr old son that suffers from this
and we are raising funds to pay for a years therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous
sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even
more tragic in its consequences. While a child suffering from Tourette's
has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute
Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true
feelings

the Mute Tourette's Foundation using new art therapy techniques. However,
their work can only continue with your help. Just £2.50 will keep a child
supplied with crayons for a whole day. £10.00 will provide them with enough
paper for a week. I would be extremely grateful to anyone who feels able to
help such a deserving cause. Many Thanks in advance.

Click here for a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have
been put to good use.

i very nearly didn't click the link......i laughed my head off when i did

jimmy23cricket

This morning I received a phone call from an absolutely gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.'
"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Then she giggled, "I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!"


So I told her to f*ck off.

Bred2shred

What do you call a German Thalidomide?


















Wee Hans