Immutable Cycling Truths

Blacktemplar

Immutable \(ˌ)i(m)-ˈmyü-tə-bəl\
not capable of or susceptible to change
not subject or susceptible to change or variation in form or quality or nature

It occurred to me this morning as I was struggling into my cycling gear that there are some things that are ALWAYS true about cycling, be it commuting, road or anything else. You know the sort of thing - "buttered toast ALWAYS lands butter-side down" or "cats ALWAYS land on their feet".

An author whose name escapes me for the moment (though it may be the late, great Douglas Adams) summed it up perfectly in his proposed anti-gravity system whereby a piece of heavily-buttered toast is fixed butter-side up to the back of a cat, thereby explaining the mewling sound made by UFO's.........

Anyhoo, I thought it might be amusing to amass the collective wisdom of the forums (or is that fora?...erm.... forii?) for the greater cycling good.

For what it's worth, here's the rather random thought that sparked this off;

"It is impossible to effectively scratch one's @rse whilst wearing winter-weight lycra" :oops:

And a couple of other teasers;

"Puddles will ALWAYS contain hidden foot-deep holes"
"Waterproof breathable clothing isn't"
"The lights will ALWAYS change just as you approach them"

(the final one above is doubly true if you are cleated in.... I know this from bitter experience, having entertained the occupants of a bus in recent months. Anxious parents peered out of steamed up windows as their offspring asked "mummy, why is that funny man rolling about on the pavement with a bike on top of him?")

So let's record our thoughts on the matter.

UndercoverElephant

The "fairy" is at her most vicious when you're hungover.

jonny_trousers

Yep, Douglas Adams. Must read The Hitchiker Trilogy again (all five books of it).

gbsahne001

The lights will always change, just as you've unclipped.

R_T_A

The day after you strip and clean your bike, it will rain heavily for a week.

:evil:

cyclopsbiker

there will always be a headwind when your legs are burnt out from a turbo session the night before (hmmmm that sounds like this morning!)

rick_chasey

Cycling always hurts more than you remember.

simonaspinall

People in your place of work will regard you with suspicion

Obie

Someone will always step out in front of you on Tooley Street.......Without fail!

dhope

Obie wrote:

Someone will always step out in front of you on Tooley Street.......Without fail!

They rarely do actually

Obie

[/quote]They rarely do actually

What time of day do you ride through there!? Not my experience at all. :P

Blacktemplar

Jonny_Trousers wrote:

Yep, Douglas Adams. Must read The Hitchiker Trilogy again (all five books of it).

Just read Eoin Colfer's "And another thing..." but just couldn't get into it. It was all a virtual reality dream???? WTF. Sorry, "the king is dead" - lets leave it at that.

shouldbeinbed

Blacktemplar wrote:

Jonny_Trousers wrote:

Yep, Douglas Adams. Must read The Hitchiker Trilogy again (all five books of it).

Just read Eoin Colfer's "And another thing..." but just couldn't get into it. It was all a virtual reality dream???? WTF. Sorry, "the king is dead" - lets leave it at that.

Yep, Mostly Harmless read pretty much a contractual obligation rather than a labour of inspiration too. AAT wasn't a patch on any of DAs books.

Starship Titanic, a DA idea written by Terry Jones was poor too. I think DAs ideas needed to be transcribed by the man himself.

Immutable truth: you'll always get a head itch once you've strapped your hlemet on.

When you're coming up to that potholed bit of road there will always be someone too close to safely pull round it

Silver rovers should be banned

Initialised

No matter how careful or prepared you and you bike are you will fall off on ice.

hatbeard

your phone alarm will go off / someone will call you the second you've finished putting your gloves on and can't operate the touchscreen.

a bus will always wait until you're a foot away from beginning to overtake it before signalling that it is pulling out.

the bus will not wait for you to finish your maneuvre

the more you focus on locking your bike up as securely as possible the more likely it is you'll leave your lights/saddlebag attached when you walk off.

the one time you decide to attempt a cheeky filter to the front of oddly stacked up traffic is the one time the lights will change when you get somewhere between the first and second row of traffic.

welkman

At least once a month you will forget a 'critical' item of clothing. In my case this has seen me spend a day teaching in a fluro top !

flicksta

Apply wet lube to your bike, to ensure a period of dry weather and vice versa.

meanredspider

When wearing bibs, just after you've put on your baselayer, jacket, 2 pairs of gloves and rucksack, you'll always either/both

a. Have a sudden urgent need to crap
b. realise you've forgotten your heart monitor

Normally "a" then once you're dressed again, "b"

Drysuitdiver

you will always slip on ice just as you decide it would be safer to dismount and walk to stop slipping on the ice

dhope

Obie wrote:

They rarely do actually

What time of day do you ride through there!? Not my experience at all. :P

Tend to be there at anywhere from 7.15am to 8.30am, then back anywhere from 5.30 to 8.30pm. They do moreso than most roads, certainly

SimonAH

You always see the very best deals on 'end of line' wines in Co-Op when you're heading home on a Friday and you've got your laptop in your bag - ergo no room for wine. I've just cycled five (ish) miles with two carrier bags tied together at the handles slung over my neck like bloody panniers on a donkey.

But for the Magnificent Wine Company and their awsome 'Steak House Red' at under a fiver a bottle I'd happily ride naked round Bristol town centre.

Extralight

dhope wrote:

Obie wrote:

They rarely do actually

What time of day do you ride through there!? Not my experience at all. :P

Tend to be there at anywhere from 7.15am to 8.30am, then back anywhere from 5.30 to 8.30pm. They do moreso than most roads, certainly

For me, riding through Southall on the Uxbridge Road is the most challenging when it comes to the frequency of suicidal pedestrians. Why is it that the ones who choose to step out in front of you without looking (or even look, but still step out) tend to have children with them?

+1 to the impossibility of scratching (or any kind of bodily rearrangement) when in winter lycra!

hatbeard

at lunch I'd just fit my front mudguard and wanted to test it wasn't rubbing so I did a quick spin around the block (less than 60 yds along each side) and in one lap I had 8 people step off the pavement into the road right in front of me not one of which bothered to even look in the direction of oncoming traffic (it's a one way system) until they were halfway across and the noise of me braking alerted them to my presence.

Cafewanda

Yeah, yeah, forget about all that. Was the test successful?

emac1987

You will ALWAYS sweat, no matter what the temperature is outside!

hatbeard

Cafewanda wrote:

Yeah, yeah, forget about all that. Was the test successful?

it was but I'll need to trim the metal stays at some point. it's sticking out a bit at the back.

Also I remembered at the end of my lap I'd only half-tightened the track nuts on the front wheel when I replaced it. have put my 15mm spanner on my keychain so I remember to tighten it up properly when I unlock my bike later or it could get hairy on my way down the embankment.

King Donut

No matter how well prepared I am, I spend more time at the bike racks than anyone else. I'm there so long I bore myself.

Pretty, female peds only appear along sections of road that require my full attention, or in winter when I'm wearing my spacky overshoes.

stevec205gti

The gale force head wind that you battle into on the way to work will mysteriously turn 180 degress during the day and you will have to battle into again on the way home. This will never happen to a tail wind - tail winds always blow the same direction to ensure a head wind on the way home.

ketsbaia

If you leave your bike outside, it will rain and rain hard.

hambones

Every thread in Commuting on Cyclechat is negative in it's nature (and often accompanied by some video footage which shows poor cycling technique as much as poor driving skills!) :twisted:

Libraio

R_T_A wrote:

The day after you strip and clean your bike, it will rain heavily for a week.

:evil:

+10