The other half......

danowat

Personally, the "man up" option is sorting out amicably, rather laying down the law and saying "I am gonna ride no matter what", that is not manning up,that is acting like a twat!!!

BruceG

Simon1890 wrote:

Got a problem, a big problem and wondered if anyone has experienced this or has any ideas for help...

I am currently married and have a 15 month old baby.
I have been cycling for the past 3 years (a while off due to injury) and have a road bike and a mtb bike for summer/winter rides. I also have a turbo for training when it's too cold or when i don't want to go out. The first problem i have is that i work shifts, so getting out can be a problem anyway (work is not commutable) and this means i have less time with the family as it is

My two bikes have cost me near enough £3000 together, then obviously i've purchased clothing (as cheap as i could find - DHB stuff mostly) and there's continuing maintenance of both bikes. This means an obvious expenditure towards my bikes that sometimes is expensive, but that's something i feel we all know.....

The problem i have is that over the time my cycling is becoming a wedge in my marrige (honestly). My wife doesn't mind the fact i want to be fit and healthy, but has a major problem with the time and money i spend on cycling. This is to a point where i am made to feel guilty every time i do anything on the bike. I want to stress that she doesn't say i CAN'T go out, or CAN'T spend money, but makes me feel guilty by saying "i'll look after the little one then" or "I'll clean the house then" etc... then being in a massive mood with me until we have a blazing argument later in the day. We have a great realtionship other than this and it is a real problem.
I would like to be cycling a minimum of 3 times a week (more if i could fit it in) but i'm lucky to go on my bike once a week with the way the other half makes me feel. I have resorted to doing quick half hour/45 min sessions on the turbo just to prevent an argument....the idea of doing 4 hour rides is exactly that, just an idea....

I don't want any responses telling me to 'grow a pair', as it is just not that simple.

It is getting to a point where i am honestly considering giving the hobby up as it is proving more problems than it is worth and i can't see a resolution to it. I have a beautiful £2000 road bike which i hardly get to touch and it just seems a shame leaving such a nice bit of kit hanging in the garage, being used once every 2 weeks or so...

Has anybody experienced anything like this? If so how did you resolve it?

Forget all the other stuff thats been written, just try having the conversation with your wife rather than a bunch of strangers on an internet forum. If you are honestly at the stage where you would rather seek the advice of others than discuss it with the woman you purportedly love and share children with, perhaps you should be moving on!

Simon1890

OK.....woooahh there.....i think there's some assumptions going on here from previous replies that mean people are getting the wrong end of the stick....a few points to clarify:

1. I HAVE discussed it with the wife before - her viewpoint is that cycling is;
a) too expensive
b) too time consuming (even at 1 ride a week)
c) and not really important (ie if i don't ride for two weeks it doesn't matter).
This is her viewpoint on it and she has said that her opinion won't change (regardless of discussion or compromise) as she doesn't and never has understood an 'excercise hobby' other than going for a 20 minute run once or twice a week or joing the gym.

2. Maybe i wrote things wrong on the opening post but i could waffle on all day without making a point...the main issue i have is my wife does not like the fact i cycle because of the points raised above (under 1.).....because of this i find it diffuclt to continue the hobby without causing strain on my relationship.

3. I AM NOT putting cycling before my family. Please do not assume that i am.

4. I work full time, shift work, and am relatively well paid. My wife only works part time, however works just as hard as me (if not harder) looking after the little one when i'm working, so i agree that she deserves her own 'me' time, more so than myself.

5. I didn't intend to cause such a big thread to be honest, just wanted to know whether others had been in a similar situation and how they resolved it, came to a mutual agreement....etc....this has been answered in the replies...thank you.

On reading the replies given i have realised how much my other half does for me that maybe i was taking for granted, so i am learning and adressing these issues, maybe that will help......however i have also realised that, without any hobbies, my wife doesn't know what to do with herself if i give her a bit of space and time to herself, meaning that her 'me' time ends up being spent with me and the little one anyway....i will be trying to get her to change this (encourage her to find a hobby) as, as stated in previous posts, this easily gets forgotten when it comes to me wanting to go out for a couple of hours.....

Anyway....thanks for all the helpful (and some slightly blunt) replies!!
Maybe we call this thread a day now...unless there are any final thoughts?

Velonutter

My wife is superb and after nearly 26 years of marriage she has known from the outset that I always do my own thing and she can do hers.

Saying that I always try and respect her, make sure you take her out at least once a week, give her a couple of nights off from being a mother/wife.

Agree some guidelines like 3 Sunday mornings a month with the club and one at home.

In the summer I train or try to train at least 2 mornings at 05:30 for a quick 30 miles, then at least two evening when I'm not needed like when she is watching her favourite soap or even gone to bed.

There is always some way to do it and compromise, however if she won't agree then you need to tell her what you are going to do and make sure it is reasonable.

There is always an underlying reason for why they feel uncomfortable, it could be jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, frustration, boredom, depression, the key is to find out what.

rhext

I have four kids and a demanding job. I like cycling, but the thought of being able to free up large chunks of time for 'hobby' cycling on a regular basis is so plainly ridiculous I don't even try. I don't see much of the family during the week and when I do I'm too tired to be good company, so I need to keep the weekend free to be with the family!

For a long time I gave up cycling altogether. Then I bought a bike and ended up with zero opportunity to ride it, so it sat and gathered dust in the garage.

In the end, commuting was the only solution for me: I'm cycling in time I'd otherwise be sitting in traffic so it doesn't encroach too much on family time; I'm saving cash on fuel which funds the moderate expenditure of keeping a commuting bike going. But, best of all, it keeps me fit enough to enjoy the irregular excursions I can squeeze in to the routine. Kids at a birthday party? Go for a spin while you're waiting. Bunch of mates want to go out on a weekday evening? OK as long as it's not every week!

My advice would be to hang on to the bikes (doesn't cost anything to keep them), and try to work some time into your day where you can do an hour without encroaching on the family time. Maybe get up half-an-hour earlier and park up 10 miles from your work? Could you go for a spin in a lunch break? Think about it and then sit down and talk with her. And it's not unreasonable to want to keep fit: cycling's a relatively cheap and efficient way of doing that.

jgsi

Simon1890 wrote:

OK.....woooahh there.....i think there's some assumptions going on here from previous replies that mean people are getting the wrong end of the stick....a few points to clarify:

1. I HAVE discussed it with the wife before - her viewpoint is that cycling is;
a) too expensive
b) too time consuming (even at 1 ride a week)
c) and not really important (ie if i don't ride for two weeks it doesn't matter).
This is her viewpoint on it and she has said that her opinion won't change (regardless of discussion or compromise) as she doesn't and never has understood an 'excercise hobby' other than going for a 20 minute run once or twice a week or joing the gym.

Bullet point b
You really in sh1t creek basically if you cant turn that opinion around.
Bike on Ebay, you cant win 'em all.

rhext

Oh, one final thought. Your wife might not want any 'me' time. It almost sounds as if you're thinking 'if I can find something that she wants to do as much as I want to cycle then we can trade'. But it's possible she simply wants your company and your help when you're not at work.

And if she accepts that joining a gym as a way of keeping fit is 'reasonable', she must also understand that there's a time and money commitment involved with that. Maybe if you sit down and say 'understand the way you feel about cycling, but I need to keep fit. I could join a gym, but that would cost x per week and I'd need to do it for a couple of hours a week to make it worthwhile. Could I perhaps do an hour on the bike a couple of times instead?'

You may need to abandon long rides for a while (except perhaps as an occasional treat), but it seems daft to abandon something that you enjoy and that you already have the kit for, when you're otherwise going to have to spend time and money doing something else to keep fit.

cyco2

Do something else....
What about what some parents do like a walking trip to the Artic or a climb up Everest. Get a rope, harness and a car tyre and start pulling it around the streets. See if she can work it out since you're not doing any riding now.

TBH a bunch of flowers or little gift can go along way to bringing the girl out in her. My mate realised this to late and she ran off with another woman.

beegee

I do understand both points of view.

My guess is that your wife's world is you and the baby, she doesn't want anything else, you two give her all that she wants. It's a funny thing but men (more than women I suspect, although no evidence to support this allegation) want to have a hobby. Not as a wife replacement but for the mental or physical pleasure of something (usually) completely different to work. So it sounds that (in this case) the gambit of trying to get her interested in something else isn't going to work (imo). It will cause more stress.

It's unfortunate but giving up all your time (if required) is one of the things that you agree to (it's in the very small print) when you have a child. And don't make the mistake of thinking it gets easier anytime soon. And you'll probably have another one to keep the first one company.

So I have to agree with others. If she doesn't have a hobby so you can have a bit of quid pro quo then you are going to have to restrict yourself to getting your exercise as part of the working day. A twice-a-week 50 mile commute maybe. And, according to the latest survey, you don't need your carbon steed, a steel 50 quid one will do the trick just as well. So sell the nice bike, buy her something nice, and hope that there is heavenly justice for nice guys.

edhornby

I have a 3 week old baby and have found it hard to get time for rides so I know how you feel - it's especially hard in the winter when the light and the temperature puts a kibosh on things

one thing I do is look for car journeys and figure out if I can do it on bike while mrs Ed drives, timing it so we arrive at the same time. both sets of parents live 30miles away so I ride in advance and drive back

a 15 month old will be one of the most intensive times for child care, give it time as well

best of luck :-)

Bar Shaker

beegee wrote:

So sell the nice bike, buy her something nice, and hope that there is heavenly justice for nice guys.

That is such rubbish advise.

The problem is that he goes out on his bike. Selling a £1500 bike for £700 and buying his wife, what... she doesn't do anything so what would she want? and then buying yourself another bike, is total madness.

All you have done is take the depreciation hit, buy something she doesn't really want and then still carry on riding a bike. The problem is riding the bike, not her pining after a dress or a ring or necklace.

If you are going to sell the bike, spend the money on marriage guidance, but only you will know if it has a chance of success.

My divorce cost me a nice detached house, a good business and a semi pro windsurfing career. I felt sick for quite a while when the reality sunk in. I would give up that and the same again to be with the girl I am with now, as she loves sharing life with me.

Your best result is that you can get the person you are with to want to share a vibrant, exciting life with you.

Anonymous

Just a quick question, how old are you mate ?

The pont I am making is that I started riding at 34 and am now racing when I can as I work shifts as wekll. I have 3 kids who are now 7, 10 and 12. When the kids start nursery and then go on to school your riding will open up completely as your wife will be at work sometimes when you are at home alone off shift. Thats when I started riding at a consistent rate and it went well from then. It is hard enough having babies and having a good relationship and you are obviously wanting a good marriage and to be a good dad. So, my advice is to be patient, hang the bike up for a while and get the baby stage out the way and your wife may soften her stance on riding, I mean she can't moan if shes at work, your child is at nursery/school and you have shift time off.

Hope this helps, good luck.

itboffin

Set their expectations as low as possible from the get-go, worked (so far) for me, plus there's the added bonus that anything you do that a normal considerate husband would do seems like a really nice surprise :roll:

[fingers-in-ear]hmmmm this is not going to end well .... [/fingers-in-ear]