The other half......

Simon1890

Got a problem, a big problem and wondered if anyone has experienced this or has any ideas for help...

I am currently married and have a 15 month old baby.
I have been cycling for the past 3 years (a while off due to injury) and have a road bike and a mtb bike for summer/winter rides. I also have a turbo for training when it's too cold or when i don't want to go out. The first problem i have is that i work shifts, so getting out can be a problem anyway (work is not commutable) and this means i have less time with the family as it is

My two bikes have cost me near enough £3000 together, then obviously i've purchased clothing (as cheap as i could find - DHB stuff mostly) and there's continuing maintenance of both bikes. This means an obvious expenditure towards my bikes that sometimes is expensive, but that's something i feel we all know.....

The problem i have is that over the time my cycling is becoming a wedge in my marrige (honestly). My wife doesn't mind the fact i want to be fit and healthy, but has a major problem with the time and money i spend on cycling. This is to a point where i am made to feel guilty every time i do anything on the bike. I want to stress that she doesn't say i CAN'T go out, or CAN'T spend money, but makes me feel guilty by saying "i'll look after the little one then" or "I'll clean the house then" etc... then being in a massive mood with me until we have a blazing argument later in the day. We have a great realtionship other than this and it is a real problem.
I would like to be cycling a minimum of 3 times a week (more if i could fit it in) but i'm lucky to go on my bike once a week with the way the other half makes me feel. I have resorted to doing quick half hour/45 min sessions on the turbo just to prevent an argument....the idea of doing 4 hour rides is exactly that, just an idea....

I don't want any responses telling me to 'grow a pair', as it is just not that simple.

It is getting to a point where i am honestly considering giving the hobby up as it is proving more problems than it is worth and i can't see a resolution to it. I have a beautiful £2000 road bike which i hardly get to touch and it just seems a shame leaving such a nice bit of kit hanging in the garage, being used once every 2 weeks or so...

Has anybody experienced anything like this? If so how did you resolve it?

Mark Elvin

Thought about getting out in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed? That works for us as a compromise, then occasionally I'll go out for a nice long ride at the weekend.

Little & often is better than not at all.

danowat

Compromise is the key.

Either get up early and get out while the family is asleep, or get out later in the evening.

Commuting is the perfect compromise for me, why is your commute not possible?

As for the money, totally depends on your financial circumstances, if you are flush, then no worries, but if you are just making ends meet, then your wife may have a point, £3K is alot of money these days.....

giant_man

Been there with babies/wives/marriage, sounds very much like my mrs.

If you want to go out and look after your family as well, you'll fine the time.

Simon1890

Mark Elvin wrote:

Thought about getting out in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed? That works for us as a compromise, then occasionally I'll go out for a nice long ride at the weekend.

Little & often is better than not at all.

Yeah i've considered it...the main problem with that is the little one goes down at 7, then normally we would eat, meaning i'm not going out till 8 ish....or don't eat with my partner (more arguments)....plus the obvious problems with this time of year going out at that time....

But yeah, that seems to be the only time i have to ride at the mo..

danowat

Does your wife work?, or is she a stay at home mum?, does she have any interests outside the house?.

She may feel that she gets no "me time", which could lead to a bit of animosity about your cycling.

Again, about the commute, why is this not a possibility?

PresumingEd

I had prety much exactly the same issue, only with three young kids to look after the wife was possibly even more pissed off than yours seems to be. Anyway, I eventually sacked off my Sunday morning rides and started going out in the evenings twice a week. It's not a perfect solution but it does seem to work quite well; I've now been doing that for about 18 months or so with no major problems

lfcquin

I'm right in the middle of re-evaluating my riding myself. I am not getting any pressure from the missus, she couldn't be more supportive, but I understand the pressures of having a young family. We have a 7 month old with another on the way. The time I spend riding every week has nose dived and I am finding myself squeezing short rides in too. I guess the difference is the pressure is coming from me, not my wife.

To keep her on side I try and make sure she gets some free time too. Whether that be just to chill out on the sofa, go out for a meal with friends or just have a lie in. It means I have sacrificed other things, such as having the odd lie in myself, or sitting and chilling out for an hour or two after work. She then understands that I choose to spend most of my ""freetime" on the bike. I appreciate that if you work shifts, its going to be harder, but if you can find ways to help her look after the baby or do the housework from time to time then maybe she will be ok when your "freetime" is on the bike. (sorry if I am teaching you to suck eggs here)

Everything I hear from people with older kids is that as they get older and more independant then you should get more free time, so don't pack it in and sell the bikes. The bikes will still be there in a year or two when things do get easier, just keep plugging away.

As for her not liking you spending money on the bikes, well I have no idea there except the old favorite of keeping your spending quiet and buying parts that look the same as the last ones.

fallingoff

It doesn't help but my Mrs is superb,she'll support whatever I do..apart from mx which I'm too old for now.
She knows I cycle for fitness I have a "new" roadee and also I've just purchased a MTB,both in November BTW,I don't smoke or drink..personal choice and not health related.. .
The key is to keep them happy..then again we've been together for nearly 30 years,4 kids youngest 10.
I hear a lot of people saying they would go mad if they had to stay in with their family which amuses me greatly,if this is the situation you have there's "trouble at mill"..I look forward to getting home.
I do shift work 4 on 4off,when she's at work I might nip out for an hour or 3,I never plan it I just take the oppotunity,in the summer after a 12 hour shift I go out for an hour she just says I'm mad after a 12 hour shift...
Why do you emphasize the little one going down @ 7?Do you have to be there?Your family is the most important but your health is also of personal importance.
Surely you can sit down and work out a regeime that suits both your and her needs.
Compromise for her,sell one of the bikes... :oops:
Good luck.

Simon1890

danowat wrote:

Does your wife work?, or is she a stay at home mum?, does she have any interests outside the house?.

She may feel that she gets no "me time", which could lead to a bit of animosity about your cycling.

Again, about the commute, why is this not a possibility?

I think this may be one of the big reasons actually. She does work P/T, but has no hobbies herself, so i think there is some animosity there...i will try and encourage her but she never really persues anything!!!

As for the commute thing...like i said, i work shifts so that prevents me from commuting 60% of the time (would mean cycling home at 2am etc...) and also the commute is a 40 mile round trip, meaning more time away (and when i work 10 hour shifts it can be a problem). Also, i did start commuting breifly but had a massive accident when knocked off my bike by a car, causing me serious injury and meaning a long time off the bike, this knocked my confidence a bit for cycling in busy traffic).

Think i'm going to have to suck it up and get out there in the dark...seems like the best way forwards looking at the responses!!

Cheers for the help guys.

danowat

duplicate

danowat

When faced with issues like this, you need to really have a "can do" attitude, if you want to cycle, you will make it possible to do so.

OK, so a 40mile round trip, in the dark isn't great, however, you could quite easily drive halfway with the bike in the back, and still get a good 30mins cycle in each way, perfect compromise.

Have you actually sat down and spoken to your wife about this?, not in a "I want to cycle, and you are stopping me" kind of way, more like a "why do you feel like this about my cycling, and what can WE do to overcome this issue".

Do you, as a couple, spend quality time together?, I know from experiance that a small child can affect the relationship, and it is important that both you and your wife have, not only quality "me time", but quality time together.

Although it appears that your wife is stopping you from doing something you love, you also need to try and see things from her point of view to.

I wouldn't (personally) hold out thinking that things will get much better as your child gets older, it doesn't get easier, things just change, and other "time sinks" set in (ferrying kids around etc etc), my daughter is now 13, and she is still a bit of a time sink at times!!!

Gazzaputt

Balance is the key but hard to find.

For me I'm lucky I commute and at weekends I'm out at 7 back by 9 on a Saturday and 11 on a Sunday.

Once per month I'll do a Sportive.

Spending wise I'm lucky as 40th approaching so I've kitted out a new bike but that'll be it for a few years unless a get a lottery win!

Turbo comes in very handy as well.

Butterd2

I have an advantage on you in that I have recently stopped playing rugby so any improvement on going out Saturday morning turning up sometime early Sunday morning p!ssed and then spending Sunday lying on the sofa nursing bruises and a hangover is considered a bonus by my wife. Consequently she is very happy I have moved back to cycling.

Now to really spoil her I also do my training rides really early on a Sunday morning, in the summer I can be on the road at 6am do 50-60 miles and be home in time for a family breakfast which always goes down well.

When I use the Turbo in the winter I use the sufferfest DVD's so I take my eldest daughter into the dungeon with me and while I ride the bike she dances to the music on the bed or tries to keep up on the stepper.

Finally I have bought my wife a bike for Xmas (she occasionally rides to work on a crappy old MTB) and will do the odd ride with her too. (if I ride my FG it will still be a pretty good workout)

Good luck, I hope you can work it out.

keef66

Cycling doesn't have to cost a fortune once you're kitted out. All I've bought in the last year is a chain. (£10 from CRC; so far lasting better than the 105 original!)

When the kids were young I would slip out at the crack of dawn and fit in a ride, trying to be back in time to take mum a cup of tea in bed. As they grow you spend a heck of a lot of time ferrying them about, watching them play football etc etc, but you can also take them cycling and so off mum's hands for a few hours. Now ours are both at university so money's even tighter, but we get to spend more time together. Evening rides are the mainstay of my cycling; I've got mudguards, decent lights (but cheapish) and lots of quiet country roads. Wife's happy to blob in front of the telly while I pop out for an hour or two. Just have to make sure I don't eat too much before hand, otherwise I'm too tempted to blob as well.

Chap I used to work with fitted his in by having a routine; wife & kids knew that Thurs nights and Sunday mornings were his bike times, so he wasn't constantly negotiating / arguing.

There was an article about this a few months ago in C+

ColinT2

At this moment in time, I believe you have prioritise and consider what is the most important thing in your life; surely it has to be your 15 month old daughter/son. Can you imagine life being estranged from your little-un, your pride and joy? What about future contact problems - ok you may think fathers have rights in this country, this is correct in theory but in practice a left handed racecourse has more rights than fathers! So you may have to limit your cycle time for a few months/years but you can always go back to it later on when things are more settled

CiB

You gotta read the signs here; wife is working p/t and looking after child the rest of the day. You're working long shifts and then wanting to get out on the bike. There's the imbalance and the likeliest cause of the angst.

I'd suggest you do stuff around the house over & above what you'd normally do, to earn a few dozen Brownie Points. Visible stuff, like doing the kitchen, putting the child to bed more often, making tea yourself, cleaning the loo (someone has to...). It's stuff like this that makes the difference, not the big gestures like going out for a meal (tho that's a good one occasionally).

In short, you need to take more of the load of her shoulders. Sharing it equally doesn't always work - sounds like you need to go the extra mile to get your dose of Me Time, at least until she clocks the fact that you are aware and you're making the effort to help out.

Women eh? Can't live with em, can't live with em.

fallingoff

Your wife,your life...
You initmated yourself that she may be jealous,wow,that is super selfish..lets not go into the where's and why's 'cause it will never end.
I'm considerably older than you(I guess) I also work shifts (12 hour's 2 days & 2 nights then 4 off),I believe that I earned my time off for good behaviour/time served..my wife is fantastic..FANTASTIC..
I was an enduro rider,she hated it but never stopped me and she only told me after I quit,I was paintballing after enduro-ing no issues,I'm now airsofting I'm going sunday and I've been for the last 2 weekends,I always ask if she minds but the answer is always no..the real thing there as I mentioned is that I can't wait to get home,1/2 way through the day I yearn to be at home.Weirdo eh?!!!?
In our "early years" I did everything to put the food on the table,going out in sub-zero temperatures cleaning windows,laying in the snow at 7pm fitting a starter motor,I think she appreciates what I did and now I am reaping the benefits.
She has a hobby btw it's called being a mother/wife/housekeeper,she loves kids which helps..so much so that she endeavoured to complete exams to teach after years of tedious p/t jobs,and she loves time spent together that's always quality time .
You've had sound "experienced" non-bike related advice,try it..anyway a marriage is a partnership,how would you see if it you were in partnership with someone who had all the fun jobs whilst you had all the crap jobs.
Best of luck m8.

Rouge Penguin

When i read the OP i wondered if it was me that was writing it.

A good % of riders are in the same boat. iIhave to admit, i was getting selfish all through the summer and it was getting bad (im shit and paid no attention really, just needed to get out for my fixfor the day). Id work all day, get in and then out on the bike for 2 hours. The wife had looked after the baby all day, and was rightly getting a bit pissed.

Now i turbo once the baby is asleep, and will probably ride in the evenings next year, as well as the longer commute than required. Its all about compromise and fitting it around your new life.

aegrey

Completely sympathise with your dilemma. In my case I got two kids, although already 11-12 yrs old. The only way I managed to reach a compromise in order not to sacrifice much family time was to start getting up earlier, when family still in bed. I used to have a lie in on Saturday mornings. Now it does not matter whether I go to bed late on a Friday or drink or whatever. Even if I am falling apart I get up at 6:30am on Saturdays and go for a 3-4hr ride. By the time I come back, sometimes the family is still in PJ's and warm coffee has just been prepared, so they didn't even notice I was away!
And I agree with many of comments above!! Good luck mate!

Theomerchant

Im in a similar boat to everyone else in this forum, been married for just over a year, have a newborn, work 12-8mon-fri & every 4th sat...yet I still manage to get in about 10 hours riding a week!, and I dont commute on my bike.

Reiterating what people have said previous comprimise is the best thing, for example...Sundays is famliy day..even though its my local club run on sundays I sacrifice that so I can have 1 full day with my wife & son a week, As for the rest of the week I get up an hour early every day and get an hour in on the trainer or outside...mostly on the trainer at the moment, and a 4-5 hour ride on saturday afternoons. My wife is very understanding with it as she knows if I dont cycle often I get very frustrated and tetchy, but on the other side of things two or three times a week I let her put her feet up and relax once I get back from work and I dont really get a chance to sit down until I go to Sleep, Dont get me wrong its very tiring but because I want to ride my bike I have to make comprimises and give up free time that I would normally have.

Basically Marrige is all about Comprimise.

also if you want something thats worth having usually you have to work hard to have it, so man up and give up all your free time to support your wife and the result will be to ride you bike more often!

Simon1890

Cheers for all the responses, i will be considering them wisely.

The main problem i have is the fact i work shifts which means i don't get "weekends" per se and i spend less time directly with the 'family' than you're average 9 to 5, monday to friday job....but some people might think that's an excuse.....

My family (especially my 15 month old) will ALWAYS come first, hence why i was considering giving it up as they are the most important thing.

Compromise definately is the key, and i'm going to try and discuss it with the other half soon, maybe try and organise some sort of regular thing (every Monday night, every Sat morn type thing).....

Wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly...really appreciate the feedback.

Think i'm getting slightly influenced by what seems the hundreds of people on here showing off their summer/winter/turbo/TT/summer race/winter race/sportive/MTB bike!!!!
Also the amazing ability some people have to think that spending more than £500 on a set of wheels (for example) is not just simple, but a neccesity!!!
Time to stick some mud guards on, some lights and get out there early/late....sounds like a plan

Thanks again

fallingoff

£500 on a set of wheels..not all of us m8..
1 tip to bear in mind is to take any oppotunity to ride,that way the wife won't have to plan around "your" rides and she has more freedom to plan her own social/w0rk life.
If you have planned rides your wife still has to plan around you again perhaps adding to the tension..as said compromise..
You will be suprised how many small rides you can fit it 20 mins here 1 hour there it all adds up

Bozman

Very similar situation but i "retired"at 42 to look after our baby boy while the wife carried on working. i tend to just tick over during the winter months due to the dark nights, but i get out on both days at the wknd. If it's for one hour or three i just make the best of what little time i get and change the intensity to the time i've got.
Try and get out when he has a nap or get up early and do the hard work, let the Mrs stay in bed and then go out when she gets up, you'll find a way.
We've got another baby due in april which will shaft my cycling completely.

Stone Glider

When I first read your original post I thought " I wonder what his missus would write if she were posting?" You clearly care, you need to talk with her along these lines. The child is 15months old, in the next dozen years you and your wife will be the greatest thing he/she will have in the whole world. By the time they are 15years old..... not so much.

When you are twice your present age, about my age, will you remember the time you spent with your wife & child or the time you spent on your bike? You are under great pressures at present, as is your wife, choose wisely.

dirkdiggler69

you could get rid of the expensive bikes and buy cheaper.
with the money buy her a conservatory or whatever,
as the situation is at the moment she'll be like a dog with a bone every time the hormones hit mental she'll hit you on the head with the bike thing straight away again and again and again.
i've just gone through the very same deal with my motorcycle.

or on the other hand you could leave.

mrushton

I can sympathize with you all. We have 9 bikes between us and 2 of mine total £10k for the frames/forks so the arrival of our now 3 month old ha put a block on the riding. My partner also rides and is formidable on a bike esp. on the track where she was beginning to get noticed. But she has always wanted a family and here is the thing, Cycling is a hobby. If it was your job and you rode for Sky or HTC then you have a reason but if you work then it's a luxury. For the moment I'm commuting as much as poss. and we take it in turns to go out on weekends. The days of 8 hour rides are over for the moment and training camps in Majorca and expensive kit. We both have a wardrobe of expensive kit so I'll not be buying anything for a while.
However, I was thinking of getting a child trailer so we can go out as a family and pilling an extra 20kg is going to make me stronger.I also saw someone recently with a kiddieback tandem which looked superb so when the child is 8(?) that might be a good investment. You could think about velodrome riding or TTing as both are less time consuming. I wouldn't ride in the evening at the moment but maybe early morniing? It's about negotiation and if you do some stuff around the house, eg vaccing/laundry then you have a chance. Laundry is easy - sort it,load it,empty it,dry it,iron it (if neccessary).

Bar Shaker

Simon1890 wrote:

Got a problem, a big problem and wondered if anyone has experienced this or has any ideas for help...

I am currently married and have a 15 month old baby.

I want to stress that she doesn't say i CAN'T go out, or CAN'T spend money, but makes me feel guilty by saying "i'll look after the little one then" or "I'll clean the house then" etc... then being in a massive mood with me until we have a blazing argument later in the day.

I have always considered myself too selfish to have kids. My first marriage ended because of a situation exactly like yours. She had no interests other than seeing her fellow mum friends and didn't understand why I wanted to go a do stuff (it was windsurfing back then) instead of watching our baby crawl across the carpet. Eventually I got fed up with working 10-12 hours a day and coming home to hear what a hard life she had, so I left. I've married again since and have been married for 15 years to a wonderful girl. This time I wanted my wife to remain my best mate and someone that I did everything with, rather than her sharing her time between me and a baby. My wife felt the same so we decided we wouldn't have kids. We have two good incomes, plenty of joint and separate interests and all the time in the world. Threads like this make me glad we made that decision but that's not helping you.

You could suggest that she asks if any of her mum friends what to set up a baby sitting circle or you could speak to your families and see if they could help out. Your wife could clean the house whilst you are doing your work shifts and then you could have some time together to cycle or alternate between that and you both doing something she wants to do. Asking you to clean the house after working a shift is just bone idle on her part. It should be a team effort and that is not teamwork.

If you get absolutely no where, you could suggest that she gets some shift work to pay the bills and you will stay at home looking after the baby, interspersed with coffee/lunch with your mates and nice walks over the park and bike rides when the baby can be in the baby sitting circle.

It seems that, at the moment, you are the one being asked to make all the sacrifices.

mrushton

I should also have said are the sole earner in the house? Are you laden with debt? Are you low-paid? If you earn a high salary and are the sole income provider and don't have massive debt than you can say you are entitled to a certain amount of leeway. However,if you earn a low wage and your wife doesn't work as she does the childcare etc then you are going to struggle a bit. Do remember tho' that childcare is hard. She is responsible for that person developing and being looked after.

west green

I got to the bottome of page 1 responses, and averything I was going to say has already beensaid.
1. compromise - work out a way that doesn't annoy the mrs, ie early morning late evening - although I sympathise about the accident - but at least you've got a turbo. I haven't negotiated that one yet.
2. Once you've got the initial cost out of the way, you don't really need to spend much more
3. It's keeping you fit, it's a good thing
4. Don't divulge all your outlays, a few white lies does wonders, but yes I £60 on a carbon seatpost doesn't make sense to somonone riding a Halfords bike - common sense really - keep it to yourself.
5. Now my kids are a bit older, I've bought them bikes and we all go cycling round the park - they love it and the Mrs gets an hour or 2 at hiome to potter around - everyone's a winner. - Don't give it up, just be patient

west green

Night after theworks Xmas party, I need to sober up/spell check, but to reiterate the point it's all about the compromise! I'm glad no one has said to "man up" - kids & family are the best thing in the World!