I've been banned from Sainsbury's

Kieran_Burns

Banned from Sainsbury's, didn't like shopping there anyway


Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

getonyourbike

roflmfao brilliant!!!

Jay dubbleU

Well done that man - mind you its lucky you weren't in Asda - you'd have had all the chavs rushing out to try the diet - still not weird enough to be banned from here though

Dog Breath

Absolutely superb

suzyb

roflmao

NGale

you sir however are a twisted genius...I would however not recommend Purina and instead recommend Hills Science or James Wellbeloved in turkey flavour.

cjw

Very old... http://hubpages.com/hub/The-dog-food-diet :roll:

Poacher

You b*****d, Kieran, now I have to put my pants in soak!

Kieran_Burns

cjw wrote:

Very old... http://hubpages.com/hub/The-dog-food-diet :roll:

Don't spoil it - people think I'm serious

tailwindhome

Kieran_Burns wrote:

cjw wrote:

Very old... http://hubpages.com/hub/The-dog-food-diet :roll:

Don't spoil it - people think I'm serious

I must admit it sounds like something KB would do.

SimonAH

Well I'n banned from Focus DIY. Attendant asked me if I wanted decking so I got the first punch i'n the bastard.

Kaboosh, I'll be here all week folks.

ShutUpLegs

spen666

Kieran_Burns wrote:

Banned from Sainsbury's, didn't like shopping there anyway


Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ars* and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

plagiarism?

stuaff

Banning you for that....the mind boggles!

PBo

Kieran_Burns wrote:

Banned from Sainsbury's, didn't like shopping there anyway


Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's ars* and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

what, nobody else smelled a rat? Pensioner Burns?

EKE_38BPM

A security guard in South Mimms service station said that I'm banned from going back there. That was about 20 years ago. I wonder if I'm allowed back now?

CiB

Thought this was going to be a thread on who's been banned from the best shops, till I saw KB claiming to be a pensioner...

I was talking to the wife about what to have for dinner the other day; as she leaned over the freezer I couldn't help myself, and took her roughly from behind, to her delight. That's us banned from Waitrose now...

I am banned from my local Evans though. Honest.

DonDaddyD

Ms DDD can't go back to the local dry cleaners. He was 10mins late opening his shop, and she tore his head off. His opening 10mins late translated into us only being 50mins ahead of schedule as oppose to 1hr for her best friends wedding.

Me thinks she was a tad bit excited.

Oh yeah I think she's banned from Cottons (Restaurant) near Clerkenwell. I wasn't with her.

CiB wrote:

I was talking to the wife about what to have for dinner the other day; as she leaned over the freezer I couldn't help myself, and took her roughly from behind, to her delight. That's us banned from Waitrose now...

:shock:

Words escape me. Not that I think its true but that you wrote it..

CiB

DonDaddyD wrote:

:shock:

Words escape me. Not that I think its true but that you wrote it..

We're grown men DDD. Enjoy the moment.

bigmat

I'm banned from:

Nottingham University student union / campus bars
Stakis casinos worldwide
A snooker club in Gent
A bar next door to said snooker club in Gent

Happy days!

antfly

If you're retired where is it you are commuting to every day? :?

UndercoverElephant

SimonAH wrote:

Well I'n banned from Focus DIY. Attendant asked me if I wanted decking so I got the first punch i'n the bastard.

Kaboosh, I'll be here all week folks.

You're lucky, I went into B&Q and some old duffer in orange came up to me when I was in the gardening isle and asked me what was wrong with my "old hoe". Now, that's no way to talk about my missus, so I chibbed him.

billysan

Awesome!!

At what point did they decide to ban you? and on what grounds?! For cheering up a few shoppers days?

Kieran_Burns

You know what? This one could run and run

garryc

My Mum's banned from Tesco's

Whilst shopping she noticed that they were selling cheap tinned fruit, she noticed however that many of the tins were split, and the contents were seeping out, to top this some of the cans were going rusty, an obvious health hazzard. My mun reported this to the staff, who wouldn't listen and then to the manager, a huge argument ensued and they refused to take them off display. Then my mum, normally a nice quiet well mannered person, went to the cleaning products aisle, grabbed a bottle of Domestos and poured it over the cans, things then got really heated with lots of shouting etc. so the police were called and she was arrested for bleach of the peach.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

Alphabet

I'm banned from York. true story.

SimonAH

When they were dating, Adam Clayton and Naomi Campbell were banned from (and arrested in) Fortnum and Masons as they were caught having a sneaky knee-trembler in the the curtains department.

The official charges were 'public lewdness' for Naomi, but Adam was done for the more serious crime of 'having an offensive person about his weapon'

boom tish

gtvlusso

LOL - Made my Monday much brighter.....now back to punching kittens....

DonDaddyD

CiB wrote:

DonDaddyD wrote:

:shock:

Words escape me. Not that I think its true but that you wrote it..

We're grown men DDD. Enjoy the moment.

True, it’s just that in my minds eye you're an upstanding, well spoken well-to-do type bloke. Perhaps even a suit, briefcase and/or profession. I've never been to Binchester but I imagine it’s uncomfortably quaint and devoid of all the unsavoury you find in inner cities.

I never really associated naughty or freaky ass sex with the above assertion. However, as I aspire and find myself in ever extravagant circles I learn naughty often increases the more outwardly reserved but increasingly affluent the social grouping. (In other words I thought posh people don’t do freaky-deaky sex, drugs and rock and roll, but they do an obscene heart melting amount more than your average bad-man urbanite - must be the money).

You can imagine my utter World crumbling shock when I heard Greg66 use the word ‘c*nt’. I didn’t even think he possessed the vernacular.

This thread in itself challenges my presumptions.

Who would have thought Matt Hammond was such a rebel...

Sirius631

Alphabet wrote:

I'm banned from York. true story.

If you're banned from York, how come they can't ban convicted east european credit card scam gangs from Britain? Freedom of movement is a right enshrined in European law.

notsoblue

In other words I thought posh people don’t do freaky-deaky sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Oh DDD, so naive.