The Royal Wedding? A Vision of the Day?
spen666
Posts: 17,709
As a celebration of modern Britain, designed to reflect the Age of Austerity and Diversity, yesterday’s Royal Wedding was an unqualified triumph.
The marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton catapulted the monarchy from the last century into the second decade of the new millennium.
This was a break with tradition on an epic scale, carefully choreographed to bring our future King closer to his multicultural subjects.
It began with the couple’s decision to reject their initial choice of Westminster Abbey in favour of the Finsbury Park Mosque.
For the first time in history, the ceremony was conducted in the street because the building had been sealed off by the anti-terrorist squad.
The bride was resplendent in a designer burka from the Kate Moss Intifada Collection at Topshop
In line with the desire of Prince Charles to be defender of all faiths, the Archbishop of Canterbury agreed to stand aside in favour of Sheikh Abu Hamza, recently released from Belmarsh Prison with a £5 million compensation package.
As the wedding ring dangled from his diamond-encrusted left hook, Sheikh Hamza pronounced the infidel couple ‘man and chattel’ and prayed for jihad.
The bride was resplendent in a designer burka from the Kate Moss Intifada Collection at Topshop. Prince William shunned Savile Row and wore a single-breasted suit from the Jamie Redknapp range at M&S.
They were attended by best man Prince Harry and Matron-of-Honour Sally Bercow, who contributed a non-stop Twitter feed throughout the service.
This was the first Royal Wedding not to be broadcast on the BBC. In an attempt to reduce the cost to the public purse, the couple sold exclusive rights to Hello! magazine in a deal reported to be worth £200 million.
As rain lashed down, the congregation huddled under their prayer mats. Lord Elton of John had offered to reprise his performance of Princess Diana’s favourite song, Candle In The Wind, but it was felt that Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting would more accurately reflect life in today’s Britain.
The star-spangled guest list included Lord and Lady Beckham; Sir Stephen Fry; Gerry and Kate McCann; Paul and Rachel Chandler; Mr Wayne Rooney and two prostitutes he picked up in the bar of the Marriott Hotel; Sir Simon Cowell and Sir Piers Morgan OBN.
Also in attendance were the Prime Minister and his wife Samantha; Lord Mandelson and the Lady Reinaldo; Sir Winston Silcott; Mr and Mrs Jeremy Clarkson; and that Geordie bird from The X Factor who used to be married to a footballer and now does shampoo adverts.
Countless other celebrities included Strictly Come Dancing’s Ann Widdecombe; Sir Oswald and Lady Sharon Osbourne; Binyam Mohamed; Lord Winner of Dinner; Mr Dizzee Rascal; The Hon David Walliams; and Lady Gaga. The Commonwealth was represented by Australia’s cultural ambassador Sir Les Patterson; Mr Anjem Choudary, of the Anglo-Pakistani Kill The Kuffars Co-ordinating Committee; and Mr Robert Mugabe.
Sir Gerald Adams, of the Provisional IRA, sent his apologies.
On behalf of the American Tea Party movement, Governor Sarah Palin had intended to present the royal couple with an autographed, leather-bound copy of her latest book, Going Commando. Unfortunately, she can’t tell the difference between England and Canada and turned up in London, Ontario, by mistake.
Lord Elton of John: He offered to reprise his performance of Princess Diana's favourite song, Candle In The Wind, but it was felt Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting would more accurately reflect life in today's Britain
Because of the restrictions upon numbers, many members of the extended Royal Family, including the Duchess of York, were disappointed not to receive invitations.
Prince Andrew was overseas, playing golf, and the Princess Royal said she was unable to attend, due to the fact that she had a more pressing engagement — watching the box set of Downton Abbey.
However, Princess Michael of Kent was able to obtain a large number of tickets, which were mysteriously made available on the internet for £10,000 a pop.
This may explain the presence in the front row of several women of a certain age, soon to feature in the new television series, The Real Housewives Of Berkshire.
After the service, there was a minor hitch when the newlyweds returned to their limousine, only to discover that it had been clamped and towed away.
Originally, they had intended to travel to Finsbury Park by Tube, to demonstrate their commitment to cutting carbon emissions, but this was ruled out when Sir Robert Crow, of the RMT, decided to mark the happy occasion by calling a 24-hour strike on the Underground.
Instead, the wedding party set off on a fleet of Boris Bikes, provided by the Mayor of London.
Millions of well-wishers lined the route, waving Union flags and placards reading: ‘British Royal Family Rot In Hell: Islam Will Rule The World’ and ‘Stop The Tory Cuts’. They threw confetti and fire extinguishers.
Street parties and fireworks celebrations the length and breadth of Britain were cancelled on elf’n’safety grounds, although plumes of black smoke could be seen rising into the air from huge bonfires of old tyres on dozens of illegal travellers’ camps - just like every other day of the week.
Safety officers from Westminster Council also put a stop to the planned 21-gun salute in Green Park. And a fly-past was cancelled on the grounds that the RAF doesn’t actually have any aircraft these days.
Eventually, despite being delayed by ongoing roadworks on the new M4 cycle lane, the wedding party arrived at the reception at Gordon Ramsay’s Heathrow restaurant.
The bride’s mother was able to negotiate a substantial discount, thanks to her long-standing connections with the airport.
Guests trod the red carpet to light-hearted jeers of ‘Scab’ from former colleagues of Mrs Middleton in the cabin crew union who were mounting a gala picket line outside Terminal 5.
After a light wedding breakfast of Turkey Twizzlers, halal sausage rolls and Bacardi Breezers, guests were treated to a cabaret hosted by Sir Jonathan Ross and Sir Russell Brand, who read out the telegrams and jokingly informed Prince William that they’d both slept with his bride.
Order was finally restored when the Loyal Toast was proposed by Sir Johnny Rotten, who led the throng in a rousing chorus of God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.
Sadly, The Queen herself was not present. She decided to give the reception a miss because it was way past Philip’s bedtime and also because she refused to pass through the new security scanners at the airport.
These X-ray machines can see through clothing and leave nothing to the imagination.
Her Majesty’s place was taken by Dame Helen Mirren, who had no objection to being stripped bare by the scanners. Everyone’s seen it all before, anyway.
The reception ended with the National Anthem being sung as a duet by SuBo and that bloke from the Gocompare adverts.
As revellers departed, pausing only to buy souvenirs from a stall set up by Sir Paul Burrell, bailiffs arrived to repossess the restaurant for non-payment of bills.
Chef Ramsay told them to ‘f*** off’.
The Royal newlyweds left to board a Ryanair jet for a honeymoon at an undisclosed destination, via an unscheduled stopover in Bratislava, accompanied only by 200 journalists and camera crews......
The marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton catapulted the monarchy from the last century into the second decade of the new millennium.
This was a break with tradition on an epic scale, carefully choreographed to bring our future King closer to his multicultural subjects.
It began with the couple’s decision to reject their initial choice of Westminster Abbey in favour of the Finsbury Park Mosque.
For the first time in history, the ceremony was conducted in the street because the building had been sealed off by the anti-terrorist squad.
The bride was resplendent in a designer burka from the Kate Moss Intifada Collection at Topshop
In line with the desire of Prince Charles to be defender of all faiths, the Archbishop of Canterbury agreed to stand aside in favour of Sheikh Abu Hamza, recently released from Belmarsh Prison with a £5 million compensation package.
As the wedding ring dangled from his diamond-encrusted left hook, Sheikh Hamza pronounced the infidel couple ‘man and chattel’ and prayed for jihad.
The bride was resplendent in a designer burka from the Kate Moss Intifada Collection at Topshop. Prince William shunned Savile Row and wore a single-breasted suit from the Jamie Redknapp range at M&S.
They were attended by best man Prince Harry and Matron-of-Honour Sally Bercow, who contributed a non-stop Twitter feed throughout the service.
This was the first Royal Wedding not to be broadcast on the BBC. In an attempt to reduce the cost to the public purse, the couple sold exclusive rights to Hello! magazine in a deal reported to be worth £200 million.
As rain lashed down, the congregation huddled under their prayer mats. Lord Elton of John had offered to reprise his performance of Princess Diana’s favourite song, Candle In The Wind, but it was felt that Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting would more accurately reflect life in today’s Britain.
The star-spangled guest list included Lord and Lady Beckham; Sir Stephen Fry; Gerry and Kate McCann; Paul and Rachel Chandler; Mr Wayne Rooney and two prostitutes he picked up in the bar of the Marriott Hotel; Sir Simon Cowell and Sir Piers Morgan OBN.
Also in attendance were the Prime Minister and his wife Samantha; Lord Mandelson and the Lady Reinaldo; Sir Winston Silcott; Mr and Mrs Jeremy Clarkson; and that Geordie bird from The X Factor who used to be married to a footballer and now does shampoo adverts.
Countless other celebrities included Strictly Come Dancing’s Ann Widdecombe; Sir Oswald and Lady Sharon Osbourne; Binyam Mohamed; Lord Winner of Dinner; Mr Dizzee Rascal; The Hon David Walliams; and Lady Gaga. The Commonwealth was represented by Australia’s cultural ambassador Sir Les Patterson; Mr Anjem Choudary, of the Anglo-Pakistani Kill The Kuffars Co-ordinating Committee; and Mr Robert Mugabe.
Sir Gerald Adams, of the Provisional IRA, sent his apologies.
On behalf of the American Tea Party movement, Governor Sarah Palin had intended to present the royal couple with an autographed, leather-bound copy of her latest book, Going Commando. Unfortunately, she can’t tell the difference between England and Canada and turned up in London, Ontario, by mistake.
Lord Elton of John: He offered to reprise his performance of Princess Diana's favourite song, Candle In The Wind, but it was felt Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting would more accurately reflect life in today's Britain
Because of the restrictions upon numbers, many members of the extended Royal Family, including the Duchess of York, were disappointed not to receive invitations.
Prince Andrew was overseas, playing golf, and the Princess Royal said she was unable to attend, due to the fact that she had a more pressing engagement — watching the box set of Downton Abbey.
However, Princess Michael of Kent was able to obtain a large number of tickets, which were mysteriously made available on the internet for £10,000 a pop.
This may explain the presence in the front row of several women of a certain age, soon to feature in the new television series, The Real Housewives Of Berkshire.
After the service, there was a minor hitch when the newlyweds returned to their limousine, only to discover that it had been clamped and towed away.
Originally, they had intended to travel to Finsbury Park by Tube, to demonstrate their commitment to cutting carbon emissions, but this was ruled out when Sir Robert Crow, of the RMT, decided to mark the happy occasion by calling a 24-hour strike on the Underground.
Instead, the wedding party set off on a fleet of Boris Bikes, provided by the Mayor of London.
Millions of well-wishers lined the route, waving Union flags and placards reading: ‘British Royal Family Rot In Hell: Islam Will Rule The World’ and ‘Stop The Tory Cuts’. They threw confetti and fire extinguishers.
Street parties and fireworks celebrations the length and breadth of Britain were cancelled on elf’n’safety grounds, although plumes of black smoke could be seen rising into the air from huge bonfires of old tyres on dozens of illegal travellers’ camps - just like every other day of the week.
Safety officers from Westminster Council also put a stop to the planned 21-gun salute in Green Park. And a fly-past was cancelled on the grounds that the RAF doesn’t actually have any aircraft these days.
Eventually, despite being delayed by ongoing roadworks on the new M4 cycle lane, the wedding party arrived at the reception at Gordon Ramsay’s Heathrow restaurant.
The bride’s mother was able to negotiate a substantial discount, thanks to her long-standing connections with the airport.
Guests trod the red carpet to light-hearted jeers of ‘Scab’ from former colleagues of Mrs Middleton in the cabin crew union who were mounting a gala picket line outside Terminal 5.
After a light wedding breakfast of Turkey Twizzlers, halal sausage rolls and Bacardi Breezers, guests were treated to a cabaret hosted by Sir Jonathan Ross and Sir Russell Brand, who read out the telegrams and jokingly informed Prince William that they’d both slept with his bride.
Order was finally restored when the Loyal Toast was proposed by Sir Johnny Rotten, who led the throng in a rousing chorus of God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols.
Sadly, The Queen herself was not present. She decided to give the reception a miss because it was way past Philip’s bedtime and also because she refused to pass through the new security scanners at the airport.
These X-ray machines can see through clothing and leave nothing to the imagination.
Her Majesty’s place was taken by Dame Helen Mirren, who had no objection to being stripped bare by the scanners. Everyone’s seen it all before, anyway.
The reception ended with the National Anthem being sung as a duet by SuBo and that bloke from the Gocompare adverts.
As revellers departed, pausing only to buy souvenirs from a stall set up by Sir Paul Burrell, bailiffs arrived to repossess the restaurant for non-payment of bills.
Chef Ramsay told them to ‘f*** off’.
The Royal newlyweds left to board a Ryanair jet for a honeymoon at an undisclosed destination, via an unscheduled stopover in Bratislava, accompanied only by 200 journalists and camera crews......
Want to know the Spen666 behind the posts?
Then read MY BLOG @ http://www.pebennett.com
Twittering @spen_666
Then read MY BLOG @ http://www.pebennett.com
Twittering @spen_666
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Comments
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PS - of course I plagiarised it from elsewhereWant to know the Spen666 behind the posts?
Then read MY BLOG @ http://www.pebennett.com
Twittering @spen_6660 -
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Whoever actually wrote that seems to have a bit of a persecution complex.1985 Mercian King of Mercia - work in progress (Hah! Who am I kidding?)
Pinnacle Monzonite
Part of the anti-growth coalition0 -
Wasn't worth going to the effort of copy & paste.Riding on 5310
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I like how it just jumps straight in there with the attack on multiculturalism.rjsterry wrote:Whoever actually wrote that seems to have a bit of a persecution complex.0 -
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Great for a game of ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere Bingo
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I don't get the article.Food Chain number = 4
A true scalp is not only overtaking someone but leaving them stopped at a set of lights. As you, who have clearly beaten the lights, pummels nothing but the open air ahead. ~ 'DondaddyD'. Player of the Unspoken Game0 -
What an absolute load of crap. Did you think it was funny or something?0
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It's just a bit rubbish, not sure if it's supposed to make a point or be amusing0
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Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Awful.
Edit: It is the work of that odious cretin - Richard Littlejohn.0 -
Sewinman wrote:Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Awful.
Edit: It is the work of that odious cretin - Richard Littlejohn.
Gah, I'm such an awful, prejudiced person. I just can't take anyone who quotes from the Daily Mail non-ironically seriously.0 -
Sewinman wrote:Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Awful.
Edit: It is the work of that odious cretin - Richard Littlejohn.
That figures. I'd be feeling awful had I actually laughed at any of that. So much in there that I find objectionable, that's the amazing thing about the Daily Express - if I ever have cause to question what I stand for in life, a few minutes reading that rag will remind exactly what I stand against.0 -
a bit Meh!, however Stephen Fry should indeed be Sir Stephen
Officers don't run, it's undignified and panics the men0 -
I now care a little about this wedding as it looks like we might get a bank holiday out of itPurveyor of sonic doom
Very Hairy Roadie - FCN 4
Fixed Pista- FCN 5
Beared Bromptonite - FCN 140 -
Gerard Adams not Gerald Adams.
Says a lot for the journalist responsible that he doesn't know the first name of one of the most controversial figures in British/Irish politics over the last 30 years.
Spen, your trolling is old and boring.“New York has the haircuts, London has the trousers, but Belfast has the reason!0 -
Quite, where's LiT with her newspaper?1985 Mercian King of Mercia - work in progress (Hah! Who am I kidding?)
Pinnacle Monzonite
Part of the anti-growth coalition0 -
hmbadger wrote:What an absolute load of crap. Did you think it was funny or something?
Um. It's from the Daily Mail.0 -
who actually cares any more this is not the 1920/30s now, i care more about the people in the UK who go unrewarded, all the volunteers.Peds with ipods, natures little speed humps
Banish unwanted fur - immac a squirrel
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... heads.html0 -
andrewc3142 wrote:hmbadger wrote:What an absolute load of crap. Did you think it was funny or something?
Um. It's from the Daily Mail.
I didn't imagine that the OP had written it himself. But the reason for reposting escaped me. Just trolling I guess.0 -
Or perhaps he found it amusing? Its a tragedy that so many people enjoy reading the Daily Mail.hmbadger wrote:andrewc3142 wrote:hmbadger wrote:What an absolute load of crap. Did you think it was funny or something?
Um. It's from the Daily Mail.
I didn't imagine that the OP had written it himself. But the reason for reposting escaped me. Just trolling I guess.0 -
hmbadger wrote:andrewc3142 wrote:hmbadger wrote:What an absolute load of crap. Did you think it was funny or something?
Um. It's from the Daily Mail.
I didn't imagine that the OP had written it himself.
Neither did I. Certainly, if I had written anything like that I wouldn't want it to be made public.0 -
Ever wonder why so many more people read the Daily Mail than say the Grauniad or the Miirror?notsoblue wrote:.... Its a tragedy that so many people enjoy reading the Daily Mail.
It always amazes me how we call for democracy then slate people expressing their views - especially when it is the populist view.
BTW - this applies to far more situations than this type of story-eg look at how many people frequent McDonalds despite all the crap people say about itWant to know the Spen666 behind the posts?
Then read MY BLOG @ http://www.pebennett.com
Twittering @spen_6660 -
spen666 wrote:
Ever wonder why so many more people read the Daily Mail than say the Grauniad or the Miirror?notsoblue wrote:.... Its a tragedy that so many people enjoy reading the Daily Mail.
It always amazes me how we call for democracy then slate people expressing their views - especially when it is the populist view.
BTW - this applies to far more situations than this type of story-eg look at how many people frequent McDonalds despite all the crap people say about it
Yup, you're right. It is a populist view. But just because a large proportion of the country subscribes to a newspaper that is homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic and politically devisive , it doesn't mean that those views are any more valid.
But then The Sun is apparently the best selling of all. So I guess where The Guardian goes wrong is that its headline size to amount of copy ratio could do with some more work and there aren't enough photographs of breasts.0 -
spen666 wrote:Ever wonder why so many more people read the Daily Mail than say the Grauniad or the Miirror?
Do many more people read the Daily Mail over the Guardian or the Mirror?0 -
Jonny_Trousers wrote:spen666 wrote:Ever wonder why so many more people read the Daily Mail than say the Grauniad or the Miirror?
Do many more people read the Daily Mail over the Guardian or the Mirror?
Unfortunately, yes. I think people like the predictability. Same stories every day.
- one about a murderous asylum seeker
- piece about a family of 25 on benefits, each kid having their own flat screen TV and Nintendo and quote from mum saying they need a bigger house
- story about how there will only be one white British person for every 10,000 with dodgy brown skin within 5 years
- piece about immigrants not being able to speak English, which isn't really British, not followed by a piece on George 1 and his linguistic ability
- 15 stories about how good some unknown celeb from some show called the X factor (I think it must be a talent show of some kind) got fat but now looks fab
- a piece about an immensely fat person broke a hospital bed because they were, well, so fat
- a feature about how wonderful life was in 1953, complete with illustration of mother knitting while kids read comics
Now of course overtaken by several years on the royal wedding.0 -
oops posted twice0
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andrewc3142 wrote:Jonny_Trousers wrote:spen666 wrote:Ever wonder why so many more people read the Daily Mail than say the Grauniad or the Miirror?
Do many more people read the Daily Mail over the Guardian or the Mirror?
Unfortunately, yes. I think people like the predictability. Same stories every day.
- one about a murderous asylum seeker
- piece about a family of 25 on benefits, each kid having their own flat screen TV and Nintendo and quote from mum saying they need a bigger house
- story about how there will only be one white British person for every 10,000 with dodgy brown skin within 5 years
- piece about immigrants not being able to speak English, which isn't really British, not followed by a piece on George 1 and his linguistic ability
- 15 stories about how good some unknown celeb from some show called the X factor (I think it must be a talent show of some kind) got fat but now looks fab
- a piece about an immensely fat person broke a hospital bed because they were, well, so fat
- a feature about how wonderful life was in 1953, complete with illustration of mother knitting while kids read comics
Now of course overtaken by several years on the royal wedding.
Also, the latest news on what cures/causes cancer. This helpful website keeps track:
"Help to make sense of the Daily Mail’s ongoing effort to classify every inanimate object into those that cause cancer and those that prevent it."
http://kill-or-cure.heroku.com/0
