Top Tips

Anonymous

Spoil your mum this mother's day by taking your Dad for a pub lunch. Mum will then only have to cook for one.

Bobbinogs

Edit.

Westerberg

LOST ALL the balls for your table football? Simply fill it with water and hey presto! - an exciting synchronised swimming game for all the family*









*(c) Viz

Scrumple

Do you really want me to dig out my 50 odd collection of the first Viz issues, in the eary 90's, for the all time classics??

Anonymous

Scrumple wrote:

Do you really want me to dig out my 50 odd collection of the first Viz issues, in the eary 90's, for the all time classics??

Yes.

Yes I do.

Scrumple

beg

finchy

Smokers - protect yourself against lung cancer by knowing somebody who smoked 40 a day and died at the age of 95 running from a bus, and somebody else who never smoked, jogged every day and died at 35 of a heart attack.

Scrumple

When planning a holiday, call various local double glazing companies, and make appointments for when you will be away.
The resulting arrivals of men in cheap nylon suits will give your neigbours the idea the local CID are interested in you, and your house is sure avoid being burgled as a result.

andy162

Convince neighbours you have an old fashioned typewriter by wearing metal thimbles and drumming your fingers on a plastic tray. Every ten seconds ting a wine glass with a pencil and run a butter knife along a comb before continuing drumming your fingers.

Tourettes sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting f*ck, c*nt & w@nker with fiddlesticks, poppycock & balerdash to recreate anauthentic Victorian experience.

shockedsoshocked

Posh people. Pretend you use butter and not margarine by simply tearing the bread when you attempt to spread it.

MARKIE METAL HIP

MEN ! If you have a bout of wind in a posh restaurant, tell the waiter there are crumbs on your chair. When he comes to remove the crumbs with a little hoover, you can fart to your heart's content.

Aggieboy

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after,
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing
up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Stewie Griffin

Homeowners, paint your lawn blue to make people in aeroplanes think that you have a swimming pool.

tlw1

Stewie Griffin wrote:

Homeowners, paint your lawn blue to make people in aeroplanes think that you have a swimming pool.

LangerDan

Save money on expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the item you wish to view.

RonB

Cut circles out of cling film. Keep these handy and you'll never run out of disposable contacts.

guinea

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

Westerberg

guinea wrote:

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

so long as it's kept betwixt saddle and shorts, maybe. If it's between arse and shorts - I'll go straight to the poppadoms thanks.

cee

Westerberg wrote:

guinea wrote:

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

so long as it's kept betwixt saddle and shorts, maybe. If it's between ars* and shorts - I'll go straight to the poppadoms thanks.

dont talk nonsense man....you can't keep poppadoms in between your ar5e and shorts....they will just break!

Anonymous

Peeling potatoes can be done cheaply by saving old bic disposable razors and using them as potato peelers.

spen666

Scrumple wrote:

Do you really want me to dig out my 50 odd collection of the first Viz issues, in the eary 90's, for the all time classics??

Hmm, interesting that the collection dates from the 90s

Viz started in the early 80'sThink you may not have first 50 odd issues if they are from the 90s

attica

Collect used paperclips to make yourself a handy chainmail tank top

jedster

make your car look like a taxi from a distance by sellotaping a cornflake packet to the roof

cathald

Bald guys should paint tiny rabbits on their heads......

so from a distance they look like hairs(hares)

takethehighroad

Never startle a cat, it will only end painfully

rileymi1

Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the object you wish to look at.

Stewie Griffin

rileymi1 wrote:

Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the object you wish to look at.

Ohh I havent heard that one since the last page, 1st post as well, school boy error :roll:

Edit, hold on, you joined when?

Anonymous

Heh heh, quality!

SteppenHerring

Football managers: Why spend money on expensive foreign players when you can do what Man Utd do and just buy the ref.

takethehighroad

Never think you're too old to have sex. I now a man who's sleeping with a woman at 78, even though he lives at number 76.

pb21

Stewie Griffin wrote:

rileymi1 wrote:

Save money on expensive binoculars by standing closer to the object you wish to look at.

Ohh I havent heard that one since the last page, 1st post as well, school boy error :roll:

Edit, hold on, you joined when?

Save time thinking up witty top tips by just stealing other peoples.