Non essex girls jokes

trekhead

I`m Irish - so I`m ok with this:

Teacher says to young Patrick in a maths class:
`Pat, if I give you 2 rabbits, then 2 more rabbits and then another 2 rabbits, - how many rabbits would you have?`
`seven` says Pat.

`No, try again, 2 rabbits, 2 more rabbits and another 2 rabbits - how many rabbits would you have?`
`seven says young Pat

`No,lets try it this way` says the teacher. ` if I give you 2 apples, then 2 more apples then another 2 apples, how many apples would you have?`
`six` says Pat

`OK, so if I give you 2 rabbits, then 2 more rabbits and then another 2 rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?`
`seven` said Pat.
`Patrick, how can that be?` yelled the teacher













`I`VE ALREADY GOT A FECKIN RABBIT` shouts Pat

Jez mon

An Irishman goes in to apply for a job but the manager won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question", the manager said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat's easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?", the manager asks.
"Ain't you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine", says the Irishman.
"Fair enough", says the manager, "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree "Ere ya go."
The manager scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat's 99."
The manager is now getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere ya go. One hundred."
The manager looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came long and pooped by each tree. So now you got a dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"

andy_f

Man walks into a pub and sees the most beautiful woman he has ever encountered
after a couple of drinks he decides to try his luck and is amazed that she agrees to
go back to his place
a few drinks later and they are going hammer and tongs on the bed
the man then goes down on her and comes back up seconds later coughing and spluttering
'What the hell is that smell' says the man
'Oh that will be my arthritis' says the woman
'You can't get arthritis in your fanny' says the man
'It's not in my fanny' says the woman 'its in my shoulder, i just can't wipe me arse properly'

crumbschief

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk,
It lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

geordieindevon

One night Steve Davis decides to go out on the pull. He meets a very nice sort and manages to entice her back to his place. They drink cocktails and have small talk when steve asks her if she would like to have sex with him. "Yes please" she says.

Steve has a special request though. " I need to take you on my snooker table". She is a little shocked at first but agrees and after much foreplay and more drink she lays back on the table, legs apart and desperate to be taken.

Steve is looking up at her crotch and making no move..."Whats wrong Steve?" asks the panting girl.

" Well" he says " I contemplating an easy pink or a difficult brown!"

pedylan

Two hydrogen atoms having a drink in a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure"?

"Yes I'm positive."

Matt the Tester

crumbschief wrote:

Good one Chip,

Mick and Dave are standing in the street, dying for a drink, Mick says to Dave"how much money have you got?" Dave says"only 50 pence" Mick takes the 50p and walks over to the butchers. When he comes back he has a cumberland sausage in his hand.Dave says"my last 50p, and you buy a bloody sausage!!!".
Mick explains that with this sausage they will get free drink, when they go to the pub they order two pints and two whiskies, swallow them fast, then Mick will pull the sausage out of the front of his trousers, Dave will get on his knees, put it in his mouth as if he was giving him a blow job then the barman will throw them out.
Well this works and by the tenth bar they are getting pretty drunk.
Dave says to mick"I've had enough to drink and my bloody knees are killing me"
Mick says " you think that's bad, i lost the sausage in the third pub"

lol!

cee

pedylan wrote:

Two hydrogen atoms having a drink in a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure"?

"Yes I'm positive."

ahh geek jokes....

whats green and yellow and says "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"......

a parity error.

taxi for cee.............

rhext

My favourite cracker joke for the year.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To see a workman laying bricks!

(you have to think quite hard about that one!). And continuing on the 'parroty' theme

What's orange and sounds like a parrot.

.
Select this line for the answer: a carrot

nolf

Did you hear about the maths symbols party?

Everyone was having a great time, partying away. But poor 'e' as on his own in the corner looking sad.

Sigma asked delta, "why is e on his own in the corner?"

Delta replies, "oh, because he can't integrate".


I'll get my anorak.

fatandwheezing

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

dd1

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressedand arranges for him
to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutesleft.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the gamefor Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her abouthis first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody
loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were
ambushed, and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry?!?! Sorry?!?!' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place !!!!!'

dd1

A female golfer was mortified to see she had struck a man on the next hole with her ball.
The man went knock knee'd, bent double and clutched his hands to his groin as he keeled over.
Rushing over the female said, 'im a nurse, let me have a look.'she then pulled his hands open, undid his trousers and duly massaged inside the man's pants.
'Is that ok?' she asked.
'Yes,' says the man, 'but i still think i've broken my thumb!'

bannedbiker

Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it!

Dyslexic man walks into a bra!


I was out playing golf the other day with my mate Bill. I miss hit the ball and it shot off sideways. After much searching I found it in a clump of buttercups. Being a bit of a pants golfer, I swung n missed the ball a couple times. On the third miss a pixie appeared shouting at me to stop distroying its beautiful buttercups! It told me that if I damaged one more buttercup it would cast its spell on me and make sure that i never enjoyed the taste of butter ever again! Not wanting to risk it, I subtley picked my ball up, dropped it away from any buttercups and played on. A couple holes later Bill spooned a shot. It took him a while to find it, so we both searched. After a while I heard him shout that he'd found his ball. "Where are you?" I replied.
"Over here, its in a patch of Pussywillow."
"Dont Feckin Swing for it" I shouted back!


Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The Accused!

Why do women have small feet?
To get closer to the sink!


Dog's really are mans best friend. Dont believe me? Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for a few hours and see who's pleased to see you when you let them out!

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a bunch of musicians?
The Drummer!

What do bassists use for contraption?
Thier personality!

crumbschief

A man was on a first date with a woman at a restaurant. As they were sitting and talking, an elephant’s trunk comes up from under the table near the man and grabs a roll.
"What the hell was that?" said the woman.
"Well, " said the man, "I lost my penis in an accident and the doctor transplanted an elephant’s trunk in it’s place."
"That’s incredible" said the woman, "Can I see it?"
"A little later," said the man, "I don’t think my arse can take another roll right now."

Jez mon

A particle physicist was speeding down the motorway and got pulled over. The cop asked him "do you know what speed you were doing?"

The physicist replies "no but I know exactly where I am"

PBo

A particle physicist was speeding down the motorway and got pulled over. The cop asked him "do you know what speed you were doing?"

The physicist replies "no but I know exactly where I am"

Did you hear about the maths symbols party?

Everyone was having a great time, partying away. But poor 'e' as on his own in the corner looking sad.

Sigma asked delta, "why is e on his own in the corner?"

Delta replies, "oh, because he can't integrate".

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Wow! I can't decide which of these intellectual jokes is the best.....



......on balance, it HAS to be the one about Heisenberg

bompington

What's the definition of a bass player?

Sort of a cross between a drummer and a musician.



What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once.

Aggieboy

You're all invited to a charity 'do' for women with no legs. The dance floor will be crawling with fanny.

1footedninja

A drummer gets fed up being took the pi55 out of by his fellow musicans so decides to go into a music shop and order a few musical instruments.

He goes in , has a look around and then tells the shop owner that he would like the red saxophone in the corner and the white accordian by the sidewall.

The shop owner says " You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays"

Boom boom tsh!

---

Whats the definition of perfect pitch ?

Throwing a guitar into a skip without it hitting the sides.

---

What do you do if there is a guitarist at your door?

Take the pizza off him and give him a little spare change as a tip.

rhext

...and did you hear the one about the bass player who was so bad that the drummer noticed?

BiggerBoat

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S INTERNET DATING ADS:

40-ish...............49
Adventurous..........Slept with everyone.
Athletic.............No breasts.
Average looking......Mooooooo.
Beautiful............Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...On medication.
Free spirit..........Junkie.
Friendship first.....Former slut.
New-Age..............Body hair in the
wrong places.
Old-fashioned........No BJs.
Open-minded..........Desperate.
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........Witch with a capital B.
Feminist.............Fat.
Voluptuous...........Very Fat.
Large frame..........Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate......Stalker.

crumbschief

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream van hadn't come along!"

markyboy2005

Guy arrives home from the pub with after midnight with a Dog under one arm - he bursts the door of the bedroom open and announces - "This is the pig I am F&^£ing"

His wife says - "you are drunk that's not a pig its a dog"

Guys says "I was talking to the dog"

Fru T Bunn

Jez mon wrote:

... The physicist replies "no but I know exactly where I am"

Nice.

Take my wife .. no really!

My mate is so unlucky. He one bought a book on alopecia but all the pages fell out.