Non essex girls jokes
Roscobob
Posts: 344
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call' .
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for .
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God .
The American thanked the priest and went along his way .
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was .
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God .
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. .
The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone .
He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign .
'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches . I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call . Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call' .
He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call' .
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for .
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God .
The American thanked the priest and went along his way .
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was .
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God .
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan , New Zealand . In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. .
The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone .
He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign .
'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches . I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call . Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call' .
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'.......Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'0 -
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off0
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What's the difference between a yoghurt and an Australian? If you put a yoghurt in the sun for 300 years it'll develop a culture.
And on a different note...
f(x)=sin(x) walks into a restaurant. The waiter says 'i'm sorry, you'll have to leave. We don't cater for functions here.'"In many ways, my story was that of a raging, Christ-like figure who hauled himself off the cross, looked up at the Romans with blood in his eyes and said 'My turn, sock cookers'"
@gietvangent0 -
Two owls playing pool.
Owl 1 "Oops, I've potted the white. 2 hits."
Owl 2 "2 hits to who?"0 -
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'Cycling weakly0 -
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Okay well thats enough from me...Is that my coat?
FCN 3 or 4 on road depending on clothingjedster wrote:Just off to contemplate my own mortality and inevitable descent into decrepedness.
FCN 8 off road because I'm too old to go racing around.0 -
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other; You drive, I'll man the guns.Science adjusts it’s beliefs based on what’s observed.
Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved0 -
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot, ya tw@t.
What does the starship enterprise and bog roll have in common?
They both search uranus looking for clingons.winter beast: http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff016.jpg
Summer beast; http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff015.jpg0 -
Newsreader from TV has resigned from doing the reports for the hard of hearing.
Apparently she was getting annoyed of having to repeatedly do the reports on the floods in Cockermouth.0 -
Large lad goes for a job interview. Interviewer ask him what his hobbies are.
Large lad replies music. Interviewer ask him what his favourite musical instrument was in school. Large lad replies, "The dinner bell."0 -
'Large lad'
funniest part of the joke imo, why not put fat b@stard 
winter beast: http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff016.jpg
Summer beast; http://i497.photobucket.com/albums/rr34 ... uff015.jpg0 -
What is long, green and smells like bacon?
Kermits middle finger0 -
Q. How do you get a fat bird into bed?
A. Piece of cake.I may be a minority of one but that doesn't prevent me from being right.
http://www.dalynchi.com0 -
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I
heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for
free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's
going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800
a yearCannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red0 -
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty.Cannondale Super Six Hi Mod Sram Red0 -
Heavily overweight man crossing the road, gets hit by a car.
"Didn't you see me?", he yells at the driver.
"Course I saw you", says the driver.
"Then why did you run me over?", he screams.
"'cause I didn't have enough petrol to drive round you, you fat bastard".0 -
Whats the difference between a duck?
one of its opposite legs is exactly the same as the one on the right.'since the flaming telly's been taken away, we don't even know if the Queen of Englands gone off with the dustman'.
Lizzie Birdsworth, Episode 64, Prisoner Cell Block H.0 -
disgruntledgoat wrote:f(x)=sin(x) walks into a restaurant. The waiter says 'i'm sorry, you'll have to leave. We don't cater for functions here.'
Almost as good as-
Mathmatical symbols are in a bar chilling and generally being sociable.
e is on his own in a corner.
Lambda asks delta, "why is e on his own in the corner?"
"oh he can't intergate"
budum cha!"I hold it true, what'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost;
Than never to have loved at all."
Alfred Tennyson0 -
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the
run on RBS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it
was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a
song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they
nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is
reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore,
500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may
get a raw deal."I hold it true, what'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost;
Than never to have loved at all."
Alfred Tennyson0 -
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, i phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.0
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A salesman knocks on a door and an 8 year old boy answers dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a cigar in one hand and a glass of port in the other,the salesman says is your mum in,the boy says what the fuck do you think.0
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Man walks into the doctors. "Doctor, could you take a look at my foot please. My big toe is very inflamed, itchy and sore"
Doctor examines his toe, and can't quite believe what he's seeing. "whats wrong Doctor" asks the man,
"Well I've never seen anything like this in all my years, and I can't be 100% certain, but I think you've got gonorrhea on your big toe"
"gonorrhea!" the man exclames "gonorrhea, that's a bit weird"
"Weird" the doctor replies "if you think that's weird I had a woman come in this morning with athletes f a n n y"Expertly coached by http://www.vitessecyclecoaching.co.uk/
http://vineristi.wordpress.com - the blog for Viner owners and lovers!0 -
Good one Chip,
Mick and Dave are standing in the street, dying for a drink, Mick says to Dave"how much money have you got?" Dave says"only 50 pence" Mick takes the 50p and walks over to the butchers. When he comes back he has a cumberland sausage in his hand.Dave says"my last 50p, and you buy a bloody sausage!!!".
Mick explains that with this sausage they will get free drink, when they go to the pub they order two pints and two whiskies, swallow them fast, then Mick will pull the sausage out of the front of his trousers, Dave will get on his knees, put it in his mouth as if he was giving him a blow job then the barman will throw them out.
Well this works and by the tenth bar they are getting pretty drunk.
Dave says to mick"I've had enough to drink and my bloody knees are killing me"
Mick says " you think that's bad, i lost the sausage in the third pub"0 -
Man goes to the doctor with an orange "Johnson"
Dr is amazed. Nothing in his medical training related to an orange "johnson" and the man's medical history looked OK so he asks "Where do you work and do you come into contact with any chemicals?"
Man: "No chemicals and I'm unemployed these days"
Dr: "So what do you do during the day"
Man (shrugs): "nothing really. I just tend to sit at home watching porn and eating Wotsits"Pain is only weakness leaving the body0 -
Two monkeys in a bath, one says to the other "Oooh ooh aah aah". The other says "Well, put some cold in then."0
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What about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there was a DOGole ginger b*ll*cks / the ginger ninja0 -
I was walking in the country the other day and saw a man get run over by a mobile library,and as the man laying in the road
cried out in pain,the driver leaned out of the window and said shhhhh.0
