I want others to commute but not my Girlfriend, help?

DonDaddyD

OK this is of a more personal nature for me and one I approach with humility as it leaves me utterly confused.

I can recommend to anyone what bike and will speak up my own pleasures of commuting by bike in an effort to encourage them to do the same.

However, the sheer thought of my girlfriend commuting by bike terrifies me. I don't want her to do it. This is a brutal irony for me because I love commuting in London; I love the obstacles and the sheer thrill of it. But I don't want my girlfriend to, what if something were to happen? What would I do...

I know I'm being a little silly but what worries me even more is, will I be like this (overly protective) when I have kids?

Has anyone else faced this conumdrum of the heart and mind?

To clarify, my girlfriend doesn't want to commute but is willing to try a bike. I however cannot get past the idea of her riding a bike without me there as I'll worry...

linsen

As a mother I can relate to the worrying thing, but then my children are still quite young. My heart is in my mouth every time they shave past a car, but they have survived thus far. I doubt my dear daughter will ever develop good spidey sense, but she will stick to the rules. My son is a risk taker. I will have to let him take them.

Your girlfriend is a grown up. It is normal to worry, but she will manage. It is reasonable and caring to ask her to call you when she is safely at work / home etc.

DonDaddyD

Thanks Linsen,

Thing is I'm not an overly possessive/protective person (not that you were saying I am). Its just that eveyday I cycle I'm subjected to the very real dangers and thinking about her in those situations pertify me.

You're right she is a grown up and I don't ever try to dictate to her what she can and can't do (I actually couldn't even if I tried). But I still worry and probably am holding back when encouraging her to commute.

Can I ask why you don't think you daughter will develop spidey sense? (or were you just saying that).

Agent57

Can't wrap people up in cotton wool. My kids are almost 7 and almost 11, and they're pretty free-range. I remind my boy (the younger one) to watch out for cars, but apart from that he's allowed to ride around the estate. We're lucky in that there are no through-roads on the estate, so no rat-running, and most of the traffic knows there are a lot of kids about anyway.

I wouldn't be too keen on my kids cycling on the main roads though; at least not before they've done some sort of training with regard to indicating etc. The younger one simply doesn't consider danger. My daughter is far more sensible, but while I was cycling on the main roads at her age (30 years ago), traffic these days is much heavier, and visibility is much lower (due to all the parked cars at the sides of roads).

My wife's nearly 38, so I'd just let her go off and look after herself after a few words of caution; I still remind her to take care when I think the roads will be icy, even though she's never had an accident due to weather/driving conditions.

Rich158

I know exactly where you're coming from DDD, it's only natural to worry about our loved ones. Whilst we take risks everyday, the thought of our nearest and dearest doing the same fills us with dread. I fully understand what Linsen means, my oldest has spidy sense and I tend not to worry about him too much. His younger brother however is another matter entirely, he seems blisfully unaware of anything that's going on arround him, and the thought of him riding on the road let alone driving (which he'll be able to do this year) terrifies me. However I know I'll never stop worrying about either of them, even though they're men now.

DonDaddyD

Agent57 wrote:

My wife's nearly 38, so I'd just let her go off and look after herself after a few words of caution; I still remind her to take care when I think the roads will be icy, even though she's never had an accident due to weather/driving conditions.

Its not so much that, but when she goes I'd do nothing but worry. In fact the sheer thought of her going off commuting fills me with worry...

I've never worried about anything before, not really, except my brother...

Wow this must be what love is.... :oops:

Harry182

I used to brag to people that my wife's bike commute, Bethnal Green to Hammersmith, was 50% longer than my own.

I understand worrying about a loved one's safety but if you ride with your GF then surely you can reassure yourself of her riding skills (or you can impart (with the utmost diplomacy) any pointers you might feel necessary).

biondino

I hear you, DDD. My gf has at least now tried commuting by bike and is intending to do it again. She's not necessarily the most prudent by nature person, and while I can make sure she doesn't RLJ or filter next to lorries and stuff (well, I can mention them, at least) I don't know what else she might do to put herself in danger.

And, ultimately, I don't want to be the person who encourages her to do what later causes her injury or worse.

lost_in_thought

biondino wrote:

And, ultimately, I don't want to be the person who encourages her to do what later causes her injury or worse.

I can see what you're saying here, but my take on it is as follows. Warning: this may come across as a little callous.

If you worry that you're encouraging loved one A to cycle, which could result in death, then you're putting yourself in a 'what if' position. So, it's 'what if I'd never encouraged loA to cycle, then they wouldn't be (hypothetically) dead. I blame myself'.

But do you want to discourage them from something that clearly brings you pleasure? Then you're driving a wedge between you. That's not good.

Furthermore, what if you discourage them, then they leave you (reason stated above), and meet another loved one. Many years later, they think back fondly to you and think 'right, I'm going to take up cycling'. They could still end up dead. Just because they met you and you cycled, thereby planting the idea in their head.

So, in order to defend them from the cycling-related what-if death, you need to give up cycling. Except that doesn't work, because they've known you as someone who enjoys cycling, so the idea could be there already.

So your options are a) never start cycling in the first place or b) never meet loA, both of which are impossible.

Therefore, the only answer is to let them do what they want, impart as much safety advice as you can, and know you did as much as you could to protect them.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Or am I letting you way too far into my twisted logic?

biondino

You're right of course (well, I don't get why *I* should give up cycling as a result of logic!) but I wouldn't discourage - how could I, morally or demonstrably? I clearly love it and think commuting by bike is the number one method to get from A to B (and possibly from loved one A to loved one B, were I a cad).

And, as we all know, the benefits from taking up cycling statistically massively outweigh the negatives. So yes, you're still right.

But it doesn't stop me worrying, y'know?

lost_in_thought

biondino wrote:

You're right of course (well, I don't get why *I* should give up cycling as a result of logic!) but I wouldn't discourage - how could I, morally or demonstrably? I clearly love it and think commuting by bike is the number one method to get from A to B (and possibly from loved one A to loved one B, were I a cad).

And, as we all know, the benefits from taking up cycling statistically massively outweigh the negatives. So yes, you're still right.

But it doesn't stop me worrying, y'know?

I'm just trying to illustrate the futility of 'what if' thinking... you don't have to give up cycling... but you know, if you're worried...

jamesco

How about she gets the bike and you go for rides round the canals, down to the shops etc. for a while before commuting? She'll get some useful feedback from you and you'll relax having seen her on the bike without getting in trouble.

My girlfriend commutes by bike (to and from the train station) and it was only this weekend that I finally got her to wear a helmet, so for your sake make sure she gets a helmet with the bike!

roger_merriman

you'll always worry about loved ones, my wife rides, and has for years. yes i do worry sometimes but thats life.

always_tyred

Education, not prohibition, is the way forward - DDD. I think you already know this and are just trying to come to terms with it by way of ascii.

[geek]The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. [/geek]

NGale

DDD: The Commander is the same, he hates the fact that I cycle commute to work. Ironic really because it was though cycling I met him!

But then I can understand his nerves. I have been knocked off my bike a couple times in the past few months and one of the reasons why I have bridge work on three front teeth is because I was knocked off my bike when I was ten and lost a tooth, broke my wrist and dislocated my hip in the process, so my track record isn't exactly great.

By that token, I worry about him when he decided that he's going to cycle from Dartmouth to Plymouth or from Southampton to Portsmouth.

It is only natural to worry, in fact I would worry if you didn't worry about such things

Jay dubbleU

DDD - two thoughts mate - first she probably worries as much about you commuting, second I worried just as much about Mrs JW when she started in May last year bearing mind that she had never cycled in this country - now she loves it

il_principe

Don't stand in her way mate. I'm glad my GF cycles, yeah I worry but she loves it and it keeps her healthy. It's not dangerous anyway and it's great to be able to pootle around together in the summer.

parkaboy

I suppose it could be argued that it's a type of superiority complex - in the belief that others are incapable of handling matters properly, or the fear that things will go wrong if they don't attend to every detail.

I'm not saying it is, but things like this could be seen as a form of control by the other person.


As ngale says it's natural to worry, it's how you deal with it that counts.

doog442

girlfriend?

:shock:

tardington

doog442 wrote:

girlfriend?

:shock:

You don't wash your cycle shorts yourself, do you?!

blu3cat

DDD, my Wife felt in an identical way to the you do when I got back on my bike early last year. It's natural to worry, and that doesn't make yo ua bad person, just a person who cares.

You've just got to bite your lip and support her choice.

Your GF will probably end up loving the commute for the same reasons that you and most others do, the thrill of it.

snailracer

Helmet mirror = instant spidey-sense boost.

DonDaddyD

Thanks guys. I spoke to her about this and she promptly pointed out that its exactly how she feels everytime I ride back from the Morpeth or a bike ride. "Damn lawyers" was my reply, she laughed.

I couldn't stand in her way even if I tried (life wouldn't be worth living).

I guess its baby steps I'll take her out on a bike and go from there.

biondino

parkaboy wrote:

I suppose it could be argued that it's a type of superiority complex - in the belief that others are incapable of handling matters properly, or the fear that things will go wrong if they don't attend to every detail.

I'm not saying it is, but things like this could be seen as a form of control by the other person.


As ngale says it's natural to worry, it's how you deal with it that counts.

No, I think you're right - but rather than a superiority complex it's more to do with being out of control of something that could be devastating to you. Most things that can affect us enormously are under our own control, so it's natural to feel unsettled in this circumstance.

And I do imagine in most cases, we reckon we're likely to be more clued up cycle commuting than our less experienced partners may be.

greg66_tri_v2.0

DonDaddyD wrote:

I guess its baby steps I'll take her out on a bike and go from there.

Y'know what? I think that's the path to disaster.

It's like teaching your GF/wife to drive. A really bad idea. Except at least with driving you're in the same car. On a bike, you'll be hovering around her, never really matching each other's speed, and p!ssing off drivers who will think you're riding two abreast.*

Plus, you'll see her near misses, magnified by your anxiety. Far better to leave her to it out of your sight.

Contrary to popular perception, not everyone in a car is trying to kil everyone on a bike. Just tell her the basics - no RLJ'g, don't get stuck up the inside of a long vehicle, blah blah, blah. She sounds pretty smart, notwithstanding (a) she's a bloodsucking lawyer, and (b) she's damn fool enough to be going out with you. She'll pick up the biking thing quick enough.

And if she doesn't, chances are she won't like it and she'll stop. There's not many who are clueless/dangerous but persistent (again, contrary to popular perception).





*You were riding two abreast?
Homer Simpson: I wish. We were riding to a lake.
Ripped off from someone here, I think.

Kieran_Burns

biondino wrote:

No, I think you're right - but rather than a superiority complex it's more to do with being out of control of something that could be devastating to you. Most things that can affect us enormously are under our own control, so it's natural to feel unsettled in this circumstance.

And I do imagine in most cases, we reckon we're likely to be more clued up cycle commuting than our less experienced partners may be.

+1 on the out of control statement

(apologies if this next bit comes across as patronising.. it's not meant to)

The simple fact is: you are not in control of the situation, this is something you do not like and have difficulty coping with. It's something YOU have to address and you can start by trusting your girlfriend. You didn't find out that she felt the same every time you cycle, and she copes with it... may be something you should think about?

Okay - worry is understandable, but you have to trust her and treat her like an adult.

Greg T

If you like I can give her some one on one tuition and close support during her vulnerable experimental period - I'd suggest she and I discuss some key areas and review Roadcraft, perhaps one evening, over supper.

Probably best if you leave her and me to it - you know - so she doesn't feel the need to remember you exist and stuff.

Does she like roses and get drunk quick?

DonDaddyD

Greg T wrote:

If you like I can give her some one on one tuition and close support during her vulnerable experimental period - I'd suggest she and I discuss some key areas and review Roadcraft, perhaps one evening, over supper.

Probably best if you leave her and me to it - you know - so she doesn't feel the need to remember you exist and stuff.

Does she like roses and get drunk quick?

Only if I can be present not to participate mind, I'll just watch, while you teach her to ride :roll: make sure she's receiving proper tuition....

attica

DonDaddyD wrote:

Greg T wrote:

If you like I can give her some one on one tuition and close support during her vulnerable experimental period - I'd suggest she and I discuss some key areas and review Roadcraft, perhaps one evening, over supper.

Probably best if you leave her and me to it - you know - so she doesn't feel the need to remember you exist and stuff.

Does she like roses and get drunk quick?

Only if I can be present not to participate mind, I'll just watch, while you teach her to ride :roll: make sure she's receiving proper tuition....

This is either a "ewww" moment or there's something large just narrowly missed the top of DDD's head as it sped past!!!

bluesacs

Greg T wrote:

Does she like roses and get drunk quick?

She does actually.

jedster

DDD,

This may sound a bit unsympathetic but I feel pretty strongly about this situation.

As a teenager I went backpacking in the hills and rock-cliimbed with friends. In my early 20s I did some Alpine mountaineering. Also did a bunch of travelling on my own. I got into a few scrapes and got out of them. It was very rewarding, great experience and taught me a lot. My parents clearly worried about me at times (and patched me up on some occasions) but they never tried to stop me.

I think the urge to prevent your loved ones from taking risks - even ones where the risk/reward ratio is very attractive (like cycle commuting)- is totally understandable but must be resisted. IMO although it can be presented positively as a sign of love it is ultimately a selfish sentiment (putting your risk of loss above their opportunity for growth and fulfilment).

My kids are 4 and 6. I will have to wrestle with all this as they get older and want to get into their own scrapes but I will try damn hard to teach them how to manage risk and then let them get on with it. Knowing that I can't guarantee that they will always be safe.

You need to live with your worries on this. Not pander to them.

J