Lustful secret

Zygite

About two months ago I discussed with Mrs Z the benefits of buying a new bike on the cycle2work scheme. Despite my best salesmanship she failed to see the benefits and advised that I would be most unwise to go ahead and do it.

I kept looking at the bumf about how cheap it worked out to be, and at pictures of my object of lust (the Ribble Nero Corsa, ultegra), and the desire increased. I tried cold showers and thinking about all the DIY projects I could do with the 50 quid a month it would cost me, but to no avail.

One day I succumbed to temptation-Oh the shame of it! The forms tumbled out of the printer, and the order went in.

It arrived on Tuesday, and is sitting at my place of work looking smoulderingly at me from its perch ever since. I would appreciate any advice on how I can introduce the new bike into the marital home without inviting a domestic rumpus/divorce/slow death and eternal damnation.

My 'old' bike is a (blue) ribble, and I have toyed with the idea of telling Mrs Z that I have had it resprayed black.

Cunning plans invited, honesty is not an option.

Garry H

Poke her eyes out?

whyamihere

Think of all the DIY projects you could do with the money the wife spends every month...

chuckcork

How much does she spend on hairdo's in a year?

I think the bike is a cheaper option by far.

Dr S

Old bike stolen, this is the replacement off the insurance?

Yours deviously

Nick

joe1983

Competition win (biking magazine?) therefore no paper trail or need to break windows from fake break in. Simple, but beautiful.

chuckcork

Boss decided to give you a bonus this year and it was in the form of vouchers at the local cycle shop....

sicknote

joe1983 wrote:

Competition win (biking magazine?) therefore no paper trail or need to break windows from fake break in. Simple, but beautiful.

Small problem is the money leaving the bank every month and not just the bike :?

I will say this, good luck

heftyrider

try the billy conolly method.

When she walks in and catches you cheating with you real love, shout "thank god your here!"

you'll never believe whats happened, i was just cycling along and this huge steamroller came flying up beside me and swerved into me, i was lucky to make it out alive.....the bike however is away to the big two wheel place in the sky.

Anyway the driver of the steam roller jumped out waving a pen and some forms for the bike 2 work scheme, told me he knew where i lived and would i'd better do as he said. So i had to fill the form in and get a new bike to keep our beautiful home safe my darling wife.... i did it for you!

As much chance of that excuse working as any other i think your screwed!!

bite the bullet man,take the pain and then enjoy the bike.

Good luck!

oh and if you manage to pull it off, share the secret of the perfect excuse!!

Torres

I would say roses, dinner out, chocolate, more roses and grovelling, lots of grovelling.
She might come round in a few.....years.....

sicknote

Torres wrote:

I would say roses, dinner out, chocolate, more roses and grovelling, lots of grovelling.
She might come round in a few.....years.....

If you are real lucky

Let us pray

nickcuk

Start by asking if she'd prefer a more energetic, toned lover who's finely tuned physique and stamina will drive her to previously unknown levels of pleasure. Then when she's quickly asked where she needs to sign up, how much he'll cost, etc, tell her how little you've paid for your new love machine and how quickly she'll be reaping the benefits.

She might chip in something towards new lights !

redvee

One Q. Are you a man or a mouse

father_jack

Tell her you had sex with a 18 year old fantastic looking (much better looking and better in bed than your wife) underwear model, who paid you for it with that Ribble bike.

cyclingpunk

Just tell her that you were considering a Cervelo, then you thought of her and 'only' bought a Ribble.

Or you could do what I did. Whilst my wife was out I put the bike in the lounge and just waited for her to come home. She called me a F**king B**tard and walked out. She slowly came round to the idea once she realised it was too late.

wiffachip

i am a lucky man, wor lass encourages me to have a season ticket for the toon, loves it when i play golf, gave me 500 quid today to buy a new bike, drops me off in newcastle every weekend to go on the pi$$

pity about the toon season ticket and she doesn't pick me up after i've been on the drink - lifes a bitch

Lagavulin

wiffachip wrote:

i am a lucky man, wor lass encourages me to have a season ticket for the toon, loves it when i play golf, gave me 500 quid today to buy a new bike, drops me off in newcastle every weekend to go on the pi$$

pity about the toon season ticket and she doesn't pick me up after i've been on the drink - lifes a *****

That's a canny gig you've got. Reckon she might be having an affair?

Crapaud

Zygite wrote:

... Cunning plans invited, honesty is not an option.

On the day you bring your new love home, blutack a Walnut Whip to your forehead and wear a Star Trek uniform. When the wife asks what's going on explain slowly, and in simple terms, about spacetime anomalies and alternate universes. She'll think she's fallen through a wormhole.

topdude

Basically you are f****d but she will forgive you in 5 or 10 years

Slow Downcp

It's your hobby, so the advice depends on which of the 2 below assumptions apply:

1. Assuming you're not living on the bread line I don't see what the issue is. Your wife is being unreasonable - even my wife agrees so. Marriage is a give and take thing, and both people have to give each other what they want, even if they don't agree with it.

2. If on the other hand, the £50 a month means you cannot afford to eat properly or pay the mortgage, you are a selfish tw*t. Confess to what you've done and put the bike in the classifieds on the forum, I'm sure you will get back what you've paid for it.

Zygite

This is most helpful. 'Relate' has nothing on you lot.

I am going out first thing tomorrow to buy a walnut whip, a star trek uniform and a more energetic, toned lover. And a poky stick to be on the safe side.

Chocolatebike

Please report back if you're able to...............................

spanielsson

Maybe you have spoiled what Santa was going to bring you for Christmas?!

Just ride it home and see if she notices? Then when it all kicks off swear you thought she was fully behind the saving you could make by buying it on the scheme!

I get away with murder compared to most of the blokes I work with, I've spent a fortune (and my wifes cyclescheme voucher on me) this year, all without complaint

Then make the point it's cheaper and safer than a drug habbit.

redddraggon

spanielsson wrote:

Then make the point it's cheaper and safer than a drug habbit.

Even with the dodgy drivers and slippery roads 'round your way?

hopper1

Don't ask Synchronicity for advice on this....
He recently slipped a new bike into his shed, hoping his wife wouldn't notice the newcomer...
All his other bikes are black, he gets a new WHITE Pinarello!!
Caught red handed!
How dark is your new blue bike?
How much attention does your wife pay, when you cycle down the driveway on your way out?

Buy a 'cricket box', then tell the truth!! :shock:

cee

Slow Downcp wrote:

Confess to what you've done and put the bike in the classifieds on the forum, I'm sure you will get back what you've paid for it.

How does that work? Surely the bike is owned by the employer until the payments are made for a year and then the final payment (even if it is a pound) is made......

Seriously though....if you can't talk to your significant other and come to a conclusion that you are both happy with, then I fear that either you or her have chosen poorly.

Put it in the living room so she will see it as soon as she gets home and just brace yourelf for the pursing of the lips, the folding of the arms and the tapping of the feet.

spanielsson

redddraggon wrote:

spanielsson wrote:

Then make the point it's cheaper and safer than a drug habbit.

Even with the dodgy drivers and slippery roads 'round your way?

You don't know what kind of drugs I used to take :shock:

madandybell

This has worked for me:

Tell her you've 'sold' a weeks holiday through the same scheme which has offset the price of the bike!!

This is what I've done but I'll still have to contribute around £25 a month!

chriskempton

Have a good look through the last 6 months bank statements and add up what she's spent in clothes shops. I guarantee you'll be shocked, but armed with this information you'll find yourself much better placed in the traditional bike spending negotiations. I was able to demonstrate that my Scott CR1 cost less than her spending on clothes in the previous 3 months :roll: which kind of cut her dead.

The Planet X Stealth I got a couple of weeks afterwards is, however, still in the loft until I can come up with an excuse for that...

Eat My Dust

Why don't you tell her that having a new bike will keep you interested in cycling. You will sell it if it annoys her that much, and then you'll start driving to work, put on 5 stone and die early of a heart attack.

LittleB0b

chriskempton wrote:

Have a good look through the last 6 months bank statements and add up what she's spent in clothes shops. I guarantee you'll be shocked, but armed with this information you'll find yourself much better placed in the traditional bike spending negotiations...

Until she repeats the exercise totting up all you have spent on Wiggle and ebay...