Lustful secret

Zygite
Zygite Posts: 142
edited November 2008 in Road beginners
About two months ago I discussed with Mrs Z the benefits of buying a new bike on the cycle2work scheme. Despite my best salesmanship she failed to see the benefits and advised that I would be most unwise to go ahead and do it.

I kept looking at the bumf about how cheap it worked out to be, and at pictures of my object of lust (the Ribble Nero Corsa, ultegra), and the desire increased. I tried cold showers and thinking about all the DIY projects I could do with the 50 quid a month it would cost me, but to no avail.

One day I succumbed to temptation-Oh the shame of it! The forms tumbled out of the printer, and the order went in.

It arrived on Tuesday, and is sitting at my place of work looking smoulderingly at me from its perch ever since. I would appreciate any advice on how I can introduce the new bike into the marital home without inviting a domestic rumpus/divorce/slow death and eternal damnation.

My 'old' bike is a (blue) ribble, and I have toyed with the idea of telling Mrs Z that I have had it resprayed black.

Cunning plans invited, honesty is not an option.
Cycle killer? Qu'est ce que c'est?
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Comments

  • Garry H
    Garry H Posts: 6,639
    Poke her eyes out? :wink:
  • whyamihere
    whyamihere Posts: 7,698
    Think of all the DIY projects you could do with the money the wife spends every month...
  • chuckcork
    chuckcork Posts: 1,471
    How much does she spend on hairdo's in a year?

    I think the bike is a cheaper option by far.
    'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze....
  • Dr S
    Dr S Posts: 146
    Old bike stolen, this is the replacement off the insurance?

    Yours deviously

    Nick
    Kona Kula Supreme, the hardtail
    Scott Spark 20 the softtail
    Cannondale CAAD9 the roadie
  • joe1983
    joe1983 Posts: 440
    Competition win (biking magazine?) therefore no paper trail or need to break windows from fake break in. Simple, but beautiful.
  • chuckcork
    chuckcork Posts: 1,471
    Boss decided to give you a bonus this year and it was in the form of vouchers at the local cycle shop....
    'Twas Mulga Bill, from Eaglehawk, that caught the cycling craze....
  • sicknote
    sicknote Posts: 901
    joe1983 wrote:
    Competition win (biking magazine?) therefore no paper trail or need to break windows from fake break in. Simple, but beautiful.

    Small problem is the money leaving the bank every month and not just the bike :?

    I will say this, good luck :wink:
  • try the billy conolly method.

    When she walks in and catches you cheating with you real love, shout "thank god your here!"

    you'll never believe whats happened, i was just cycling along and this huge steamroller came flying up beside me and swerved into me, i was lucky to make it out alive.....the bike however is away to the big two wheel place in the sky.

    Anyway the driver of the steam roller jumped out waving a pen and some forms for the bike 2 work scheme, told me he knew where i lived and would i'd better do as he said. So i had to fill the form in and get a new bike to keep our beautiful home safe my darling wife.... i did it for you!

    As much chance of that excuse working as any other :lol: i think your screwed!!

    bite the bullet man,take the pain and then enjoy the bike.

    Good luck!

    oh and if you manage to pull it off, share the secret of the perfect excuse!!
  • Torres
    Torres Posts: 1,266
    I would say roses, dinner out, chocolate, more roses and grovelling, lots of grovelling.
    She might come round in a few.....years.....
    What We Achieve In Life, Echoes In Eternity
  • sicknote
    sicknote Posts: 901
    Torres wrote:
    I would say roses, dinner out, chocolate, more roses and grovelling, lots of grovelling.
    She might come round in a few.....years.....

    If you are real lucky

    Let us pray
  • nickcuk
    nickcuk Posts: 275
    Start by asking if she'd prefer a more energetic, toned lover who's finely tuned physique and stamina will drive her to previously unknown levels of pleasure. Then when she's quickly asked where she needs to sign up, how much he'll cost, etc, tell her how little you've paid for your new love machine and how quickly she'll be reaping the benefits.

    She might chip in something towards new lights !
  • redvee
    redvee Posts: 11,922
    One Q. Are you a man or a mouse :lol:
    I've added a signature to prove it is still possible.
  • father_jack
    father_jack Posts: 3,509
    Tell her you had sex with a 18 year old fantastic looking (much better looking and better in bed than your wife) underwear model, who paid you for it with that Ribble bike.
    Say... That's a nice bike..
    Trax T700 with Lew Racing Pro VT-1 ;-)
  • Just tell her that you were considering a Cervelo, then you thought of her and 'only' bought a Ribble.

    Or you could do what I did. Whilst my wife was out I put the bike in the lounge and just waited for her to come home. She called me a F**king B**tard and walked out. She slowly came round to the idea once she realised it was too late.
  • i am a lucky man, wor lass encourages me to have a season ticket for the toon, loves it when i play golf, gave me 500 quid today to buy a new bike, drops me off in newcastle every weekend to go on the pi$$

    pity about the toon season ticket and she doesn't pick me up after i've been on the drink - lifes a bitch
  • Lagavulin
    Lagavulin Posts: 1,688
    wiffachip wrote:
    i am a lucky man, wor lass encourages me to have a season ticket for the toon, loves it when i play golf, gave me 500 quid today to buy a new bike, drops me off in newcastle every weekend to go on the pi$$

    pity about the toon season ticket and she doesn't pick me up after i've been on the drink - lifes a *****
    That's a canny gig you've got. Reckon she might be having an affair?
  • Crapaud
    Crapaud Posts: 2,483
    Zygite wrote:
    ... Cunning plans invited, honesty is not an option.
    On the day you bring your new love home, blutack a Walnut Whip to your forehead and wear a Star Trek uniform. When the wife asks what's going on explain slowly, and in simple terms, about spacetime anomalies and alternate universes. She'll think she's fallen through a wormhole.
    A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject - Churchill
  • topdude
    topdude Posts: 1,557
    Basically you are f****d but she will forgive you in 5 or 10 years :wink:
    He is not the messiah, he is a very naughty boy !!
  • Slow Downcp
    Slow Downcp Posts: 3,041
    It's your hobby, so the advice depends on which of the 2 below assumptions apply:

    1. Assuming you're not living on the bread line I don't see what the issue is. Your wife is being unreasonable - even my wife agrees so. Marriage is a give and take thing, and both people have to give each other what they want, even if they don't agree with it.

    2. If on the other hand, the £50 a month means you cannot afford to eat properly or pay the mortgage, you are a selfish tw*t. Confess to what you've done and put the bike in the classifieds on the forum, I'm sure you will get back what you've paid for it.
    Carlsberg don't make cycle clothing, but if they did it would probably still not be as good as Assos
  • Zygite
    Zygite Posts: 142
    This is most helpful. 'Relate' has nothing on you lot.

    I am going out first thing tomorrow to buy a walnut whip, a star trek uniform and a more energetic, toned lover. And a poky stick to be on the safe side.
    Cycle killer? Qu'est ce que c'est?
  • Please report back if you're able to...............................
  • Maybe you have spoiled what Santa was going to bring you for Christmas?!

    Just ride it home and see if she notices? Then when it all kicks off swear you thought she was fully behind the saving you could make by buying it on the scheme!

    I get away with murder compared to most of the blokes I work with, I've spent a fortune (and my wifes cyclescheme voucher on me) this year, all without complaint :wink:

    Then make the point it's cheaper and safer than a drug habbit.
  • redddraggon
    redddraggon Posts: 10,862
    Then make the point it's cheaper and safer than a drug habbit.

    Even with the dodgy drivers and slippery roads 'round your way? :wink:
    I like bikes...

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  • hopper1
    hopper1 Posts: 4,389
    Don't ask Synchronicity for advice on this....
    He recently slipped a new bike into his shed, hoping his wife wouldn't notice the newcomer...
    All his other bikes are black, he gets a new WHITE Pinarello!!
    Caught red handed!
    How dark is your new blue bike?
    How much attention does your wife pay, when you cycle down the driveway on your way out?

    Buy a 'cricket box', then tell the truth!! :shock:
    Start with a budget, finish with a mortgage!
  • cee
    cee Posts: 4,553
    Confess to what you've done and put the bike in the classifieds on the forum, I'm sure you will get back what you've paid for it.

    How does that work? Surely the bike is owned by the employer until the payments are made for a year and then the final payment (even if it is a pound) is made......

    Seriously though....if you can't talk to your significant other and come to a conclusion that you are both happy with, then I fear that either you or her have chosen poorly.

    Put it in the living room so she will see it as soon as she gets home and just brace yourelf for the pursing of the lips, the folding of the arms and the tapping of the feet.
    Whenever I see an adult on a bicycle, I believe in the future of the human race.

    H.G. Wells.
  • Then make the point it's cheaper and safer than a drug habbit.

    Even with the dodgy drivers and slippery roads 'round your way? :wink:

    You don't know what kind of drugs I used to take :shock:
  • This has worked for me:

    Tell her you've 'sold' a weeks holiday through the same scheme which has offset the price of the bike!!

    This is what I've done but I'll still have to contribute around £25 a month!
  • Have a good look through the last 6 months bank statements and add up what she's spent in clothes shops. I guarantee you'll be shocked, but armed with this information you'll find yourself much better placed in the traditional bike spending negotiations. I was able to demonstrate that my Scott CR1 cost less than her spending on clothes in the previous 3 months :roll: which kind of cut her dead.

    The Planet X Stealth I got a couple of weeks afterwards is, however, still in the loft until I can come up with an excuse for that...
  • Eat My Dust
    Eat My Dust Posts: 3,965
    Why don't you tell her that having a new bike will keep you interested in cycling. You will sell it if it annoys her that much, and then you'll start driving to work, put on 5 stone and die early of a heart attack.
  • Have a good look through the last 6 months bank statements and add up what she's spent in clothes shops. I guarantee you'll be shocked, but armed with this information you'll find yourself much better placed in the traditional bike spending negotiations...

    Until she repeats the exercise totting up all you have spent on Wiggle and ebay...