Does anyone suffer from depression?

Coriander

I do. Am just emerging ( I think, dare I hope?) from a depressive phase at the moment. About November/December 06 I went right down and ended up with an emergency psychiatric assessment but was not admitted (I was fearful of suicide rather than threatening to kill myself). I needed a month off work as I couldn't really function - my memory span was less than a goldfish's and my concentration levels lower than the proverbial gnat's. I have been on antidepressants since, but will see the doctor tomorrow about coming off them.

I think there are two types of depression, the one that affected Howie so badly (I am SO glad to hear things are better for you now) after a series of horrendous events and the type I have - clincial depression that occurs for no obvious reason. I have a wonderful life - I have my own flat, am solvent, wonderful friends, a great relationship with the brother that lives in London, a lively, witty, optimistic personalisty and a job I would really enjoy if I had the mental energy to apply myself to it, etc. But I am taken over by depression on occasions. It's like hands on your shoulders pressing irresistably, inexorably down, sending you into a dark, muddy, slippery hole and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

While you are in that hole life continues, but there is what I can only describe as a 'white noise' of thoughts that ,for me, are about how boring I am, how utterly useless, how unloveable, how ugly, how worthless, etc, etc. This white noise is constantly, constantly present and you cannot turn it off. It's exhausting (sleep is the only way to escape it, but even sleep is hard and you spend hours of the night awake with your mind racing) and that, together with your conviction that you contribute nothing to the world, makes it very hard to find the energy to do anything, even though you know that going for a cycle will make you feel much better. That lack of stimulation and of spending time with people who love you makes the depression worse - of course you're not the liveliest person around or giving much to the world when glued to your sofa.

Eventually, for me at least, things start to get a bit better. And if I'm lucky this time, they'll get fully better - I was lucky to have a brilliant doctor back in 06 when it all started and I have a wonderful therapist who is doing marvellous things with the contents of my head. I am feeling better than I have ever felt as an adult and am beginning to believe that maybe it's ok for me to take up space on this earth.

I think the cause of all this for me was a very traumatic childhood with an alcoholic mother and a manic-depressive father, apparently an unhappy childhood can stop the neural pathways forming correctly (or similar. I'm no medic).

I'm sorry, this possibly comes over as a cry for help or WAY too much information. But I did want to tell my story to others who suffer or share their lives with others who suffer.

I have pondered posting for a couple of days because while I see nothing to be ashamed of (after all, it's hardly my fault this happens to me) and I am utterly open about it in my private life and at work, I'm not sure about telling all this to people who are judging me only from a few random posts I make.

wiffachip

Coriander, not too much information, just a very moving post.

good luck

pneumatic

Nice one Coriander.. Interesting, too, about the neural pathways; I am going to read more about that.

This is perhaps a bit silly, but I've recently discovered how much better I feel if I am properly hydrated. I knew that dehydration was commonplace and that it takes the edge off your physical performance when riding a bike, but I never thought about it in the context of mood. A couple of pots of green tea and I feel much better.

synchronicity

Thanks for sharing Coriander... it takes courage for you & others to write what you have. I think that part of the reason there is a stigma attached to mental illness (depression is classed as a mental illness isn't it?) is because we as a society don't talk openly enough about it.

Coriander wrote:

I think there are two types of depression, the one that affected Howie so badly (I am SO glad to hear things are better for you now) after a series of horrendous events and the type I have - clincial depression that occurs for no obvious reason.

I agree with that. Have a look at the Social Readjustment Rating Scale. Big life changes = major stress. Then you're more at risk of contracting not just physical diseases but ones associated with mental health also.

There are/were moments when I'm convinced that life isn't worth it. But then something can happen a week or a day later, and I've changed my mind about the world...

Just yesterday I had an anxiety attack for no apparant reason. My chest contricted to the point I felt uncomfortable. I'm not taking any medication whatsoever now & I have no immediate stress so I just couldn't understand it. One phone call to my partner & two cups of TILA (herbal tea) & it was all sorted...

All the best!

smith59

I have suffered with depression for most of my adult life. I had a course of ECT about two years ago which has helped to an extent. At its worse I have had to go into hospital as I cannot look after myself when I'm very distressed.

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Smith.

http://www.clinicaldepressioncure.com

feel

Don't think i suffer from depression but i have suffered from stress and anxiety, virtually all work related. Counselling helped me realize that i should stop work and do something else, hence me now commuting to college at the age of 52. Cycling helped me a lot and having stopped work, i now appreciate life and feel much happier and more relaxed than at any point i can remember in the last 20 years. I will be much poorer, but am time rich and enjoying life again.

Best wishes to all the above posters.

nolf

Yeah depression can be pretty rubbish.

Can very much feel like a hand is pushing down on you making doing things take a lot of effort. Getting out of the house can help, I find it can take a lot of effort, but definitely worth doing it.
Sometimes nothing can really help and you need to consult a professional, other than that understanding friends really help. Tell your friends you get depressed, I told someone for the first time a few weeks ago and it took a weight off my mind. Just try not to to wallow in the depression. It's really hard to do, and sometimes impossible without medical help to get out of it.

Talking to a doctor can be useful as it makes things official, I'm always very reluctant to seek medical help about anything, but when having to deal with non handed in work at university because of a depressive episode (for example), having talked to a doctor lends your claims of depression credibility.