Commuters Put-down guide

Cunobelin

Gambatte wrote:

Adamskii wrote:

Aging sports car driver younger girlfriend in the passenger seat - To her - He has a small penis doesn't he.....

to her again...

"He reckons he gave me at least 3 foot - that explains your look of disappointment."

You need to be alongside in traffic, but......

The Highway code states you should have given me three feet of room. That is 6 average male organs, you can make an assumption that they have given 6 x the length of their own organ!

Bassjunkieuk

Most of these are good pudown lines, but they'll all disappear from my head when the red mist descends. My usual retorts to a-hole drivers is usually something that shouldn't be repeated in front of young children :-) Like most people have said, about 10 minutes later, after I've ridden off the stress I'll come up with some witty remark but it's a tiny bit late then!

robmanic1

"ASSSSHOOOOOOLE" delivered in the manner of Kevin Kline in A fish Called Wanda ,does it for me.

DavidTQ

jedster wrote:

I've generally found that a "I'm more disappointed than angry" frown and shake of the head makes them feel pretty small.

simple "well done, brilliant!" coupled with a slow hand clap or a thumbs up, is a bit more pointed

Talking over the head of the driver to the passenger is pretty belittling "you must be very proud", "my commiserations" etc

Of course none of these are witty but I count it a success if I keep my temper never mind come up with something funny.

J

Here is "well done" as executed by myself, not exactly great execution, but better than a rant and when the guy did eventually overtake me (up a very steep hill) he did so in a considerate manner,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcitvPfdRP8

Far better than the merc driver who decided his vehicle deserved to take the space in the cycle lane as well whilst I was in it... He got a "mind the cycle lane" to which his female passenger leaned out of the windows and let loose a stream of abuse, at that point I went into angry mode and came back with the dissapointingly unwitty and unproductive "come on then you fat b*t£h"... I dissapoint myself at times. Thoroughly deserved of course. But still dissapointing. Made me smile at the time though

Gambatte

Forgot them last night when approaching a roundabout at the end of dual carriageway. In left hand lane, in primary. I'm slowing as the lights are on red and cars are already stood.

Car in the right hand lane whilst another squeezes thro in between!

He stopped as he had to behind the traffic. I filtered to his left, knocked on his window and gave it "what was the point in that manouvre?......... (silence) whats the point in doing a dangerous overtake when you're stood 10 yards after?......(Driver: if I look forward the cyclist doesn't exist)"

He knew I existed when I filtered infront and negotiated the RAB and next 100 yard at about 10mph.

dirk_van_gently

Well my favourite for this thread so far, has been:

"I hope you don't kiss your children with that mouth!"

replace "Children" with Girlfriend, Wife, Boyfriend, Grandchildren etc as necessary

That is firmly in my memory banks ready for deployment at the appropriate moment.

Clever Pun

Gambatte wrote:

He knew I existed when I filtered infront and negotiated the RAB and next 100 yard at about 10mph.

yeah I'll do that as well... look this is what inconsiderate driving is like...
WRT the F@T B!T<H comment, it will upset her in the long term and make her question herself, much more hurtful then you might expect... nice


I also like "does your wife realise you've borrowed her car"

BentMikey

I think putdowns aren't the right thing to do, because they don't achieve anything apart from spreading more bad karma. I feel most satisfied of all when I've managed to get an apology from a driver by being nice to them and explaining why I felt threatened by their driver.

Crapaud

BentMikey wrote:

"Get on the cycle path" : "Get on the motorway"

"Use the cycle lane" : "Naw, yooouuse de cycle lane".

Motorist, "You should be on the cycle path!"

Cyclist, "You should be on the bus!"

lost_in_thought

My favourite line is the 'nice bike' line, for people who feel they can occupy the bike lanes/boxes with their motorbikes/cars/whatever...

Variants include 'nice bike, the engine is really cool'; 'nice bike, i like the roof', 'nice bike, wish mine was that big', and, for 3 mounted bobbies in the park, 'nice bikes, the legs are really unusual'.

Sea_Green_Incorruptible

Dirk Van Gently wrote:

Well my favourite for this thread so far, has been:

"I hope you don't kiss your children with that mouth!"

replace "Children" with Girlfriend, Wife, Boyfriend, Grandchildren etc as necessary

That is firmly in my memory banks ready for deployment at the appropriate moment.

In general I'm with BentMikey on this; hurling insults at scrotes in cars seems a bit counter-productive and potentially dangerous (I fear Kenneth Noye getting out of the car). Far better to just burn them off over the course of your commute and leaving them steaming in the jams.

Having said that, I REALLY like the idea of using the 'kiss your boyfriend' line on the next white van man who gives me a load of abuse...

BentMikey

lost_in_thought wrote:

My favourite line is the 'nice bike' line, for people who feel they can occupy the bike lanes/boxes with their motorbikes/cars/whatever...

Variants include 'nice bike, the engine is really cool'; 'nice bike, i like the roof', 'nice bike, wish mine was that big', and, for 3 mounted bobbies in the park, 'nice bikes, the legs are really unusual'.

Cunobelin came up with an even funnier one for a woman stopped in the ASL: "This bit is for bikes, that's a car, are you the bike?".

robmanic1

May all your children have small pen*ses, especially the GIRLS!

dang65

There's a point on my commute where cars do the usual over-revving, get-off-the-road, acceleration as they overtake me... only to get stuck in a traffic queue just round the corner.

I never tire of going "BRRrrrm BRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrm" as I go past.

Only really works in the Summer when they've got their windows open though.

mtbcommuter

dang65 wrote:

There's a point on my commute where cars do the usual over-revving, get-off-the-road, acceleration as they overtake me... only to get stuck in a traffic queue just round the corner.

I never tire of going "BRRrrrm BRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrm" as I go past.

Only really works in the Summer when they've got their windows open though.

This one made me chuckle........it's obviously a city centre thing, I cycle from one town to another and rarely experience this kind of anti-cyclist behaviour.....unless it's because everyone is so much friendlier in the North East?

Clever Pun

I have beeped at people before, someone beeped me harshly and not just a friendly parp either... so about 5 seconds later when he's in the queue I come up behind him and shout BEEP. he sticks his thug like head out of the window "Are you fu<king taking the Pi$$?" I laughed and legged it sharpish

BentMikey

Clever Pun wrote:

I have beeped at people before, someone beeped me harshly and not just a friendly parp either... so about 5 seconds later when he's in the queue I come up behind him and shout BEEP. he sticks his thug like head out of the window "Are you fu<king taking the Pi$$?" I laughed and legged it sharpish

Quality!! And the BrrrrBRRRRBRRRRR above too, LOLOL!!

I've gotten a few chuckles when overtaking/being overtaken an obv. boy racer happens a few times. "Mate, you need a faster car, can't even beat my bike." Said with a smile they usually see the funny side.

Drfabulous0

Clever Pun wrote:

I have beeped at people before, someone beeped me harshly and not just a friendly parp either... so about 5 seconds later when he's in the queue I come up behind him and shout BEEP. he sticks his thug like head out of the window "Are you fu<king taking the Pi$$?" I laughed and legged it sharpish

Anyone who beeps at me gets beeped back with the airzound, it can be surprisingly expressive. It's very rare that I shout at drivers but there are a few total idiots I have given a torrent of abuse, not the best thing to do but seems like the right idea at the time.

Gambatte

I found airzound on drops difficult to start with. Surprising how quickly you can find it after a few days!

chewa

Must admit my two favourites I've used are:

If you think that was 3 feet your (insert boy girl etc) friend has been lying about the size of your c*ck.

And (when told by a taxi driver I looked like a poof in my cycling gear)

"Maybe so, but when I get home I'll take this off - you'll still be a fat bastard!" (Thank you Mr Churchill)

TheFoolio888

@ a Range Rover driver straddling two lines in static traffic so that I couldn't filter (I suspect on purpose, as he could clearly see me in his wing mirror)...

Me: Nice car...maybe you could get one a little smaller though
Him: No...I like it just the way it is thank you very much
Me: Maybe you should learn how to f***ing drive it properly then?

...as I finally managed to squeeze past him...

:oops:

trisomy21

To a taxi driver who almost wiped me out with his reckless overtaking on a single lane only to arrive at a red light five seconds earlier;

trisomy-"well done,your mother must be so proud"

Taxi-"my mother's dead you wanker"

trisomy-"what did she die of?shame?"

heartless I know but his driving was really shocking.

Gambatte

trisomy21 wrote:

To a taxi driver who almost wiped me out with his reckless overtaking on a single lane only to arrive at a red light five seconds earlier;

trisomy-"well done,your mother must be so proud"

Taxi-"my mother's dead you wanker"

trisomy-"what did she die of?shame?"

heartless I know but his driving was really shocking.

Should have been:

"What happenend, you drive over her?"

trisomy21

we have a winner!