Commuters Put-down guide

Clever Pun

bradshaw_chris's comment got me thinking if you had a list of witty put-downs for most situations I think it could quell potential trouble while getting your point across that they were driving like idiots

The kind of thing I'm thinking about is one liners that would make them think a bit and make them feel small at the same time, it's all well and good thinking about these things afterwards but if you have a few ready it's better than 4 letter word blasts

Ideas anyone?

for example
That was on CCTV mate, expect a letter in the post for dangerous driving within the week

Eat My Dust

"it's a shame people like you are allowed to breed"

mab bee

Wow! With a car THAT big/loud/fast, you must have a really tiny pen1s!

attica

Well, that was worth doing, look how far ahead of me you are now!

(Best delivered when you can then scoot off through stationery traffic leaving them to fester)

delcol

are you blind or just stupid.

Mike Healey

Him, "I hate f*****ng cyclists"

Me (one of proudest moments) "Then stop f****ng them, dear boy, it's not obligatory".

TheBoyBilly

I saw this on a motorbike numberplate -
"Do you think you might drive better if I shoved that mobile phone up your arse?"

snooks

Haven't you evolved yet?

Gussio

A simple "tw@t" can suffice, delivered with a sad shake of the head.

Adamskii

Different lines depending on different drivers should be used. For example:

4x4 drivers - try doing some exercise you fat B@stard.
White Van man - How successful are you? Driving a van!
Boy Racer - Spend less money on your car and more on a decent haircut
Aging sports car driver - Divorced by any chance?
Aging sports car driver younger girlfriend in the passenger seat - To her - He has a small penis doesn't he! Followed by a smile and a wink.

I'm struggling to find an example when a female driver has had ago at me but I can't so they're excluded from the list.

psychle

Adamskii wrote:

White Van man - How successful are you? Driving a van!

Reminds me of a friends comment, in a similar vein, to a particularly persistent cold-caller, "Your mother must be so proud of you".

helz

I shouted "Get off the pavemen!t" to a bloke (probably in his 50s) who was cycling on the pavement over Tower Bridge this morning. What I should have said was something like "Ah diddums, are you too scared of the big noisy cars?"

kuota

I'll stick that phone some place you'll never get asignal!!!

Shadowduck

Just smile and wave, drives 'em purple. Or if you're feeling brave, blow 'em a kiss - even better.

patchy

I find the long drawn out

aaaaaaaafaaaaaaaaaahhhgggaaahhhhhhhhffffffffyyaaaaaaaaaaaassstttttttooooooooooopiiiiiiiiiddddddcaaaaaaaaaahnt

works wonders as you speed past. Bonus points if you can get the doppler effect...

Swannie

I was disappointed at the weekend to hear my Father (in his 50s) rides on the pavement.

I showed him the copy of Cyclecraft I had. He had two days to read some of it. I hope he did.

I think these put downs are a bit sad and pathetic really. I've found a stare and shaking of head shames most drivers, and if they get angry, that's their problem. If they don't know what they did wrong, they are probably in denial and won't listen to you anyway.

flattythehurdler

Try "does your wife kmow you've borrowed her car" to angry men types.
Drives them spare. Trust me.

cee

flattythehurdler wrote:

Try "does your wife kmow you've borrowed her car" to angry men types.
Drives them spare. Trust me.

or if they are in an audi tt...

'does your hairdresser know....' etc

Gambatte

Adamskii wrote:

Aging sports car driver younger girlfriend in the passenger seat

"No, I don't pay 'Road Tax', but then I don't pay for sex either!"

Adamskii

That's a good one Gambatte, I'll commit it to memory for the ride home.

jedster

I've generally found that a "I'm more disappointed than angry" frown and shake of the head makes them feel pretty small.

simple "well done, brilliant!" coupled with a slow hand clap or a thumbs up, is a bit more pointed

Talking over the head of the driver to the passenger is pretty belittling "you must be very proud", "my commiserations" etc

Of course none of these are witty but I count it a success if I keep my temper never mind come up with something funny.

J

Crapaud

Generally, I cycle in a bubble of zen-like calm, but now and again I surprise myself...

Driver, window wound down, having a foul mouthed rant. Wait for them to finish then,"I hope you don't kiss your children with that mouth."

The range of expressions that they pull are fun to watch; from contrition to frothing rant and back again - confusion ensues. There's really no answer to it.

Be careful that they're not a psycopath though.

always_tyred

Swannie wrote:

I was disappointed at the weekend to hear my Father (in his 50s) rides on the pavement.

I showed him the copy of Cyclecraft I had. He had two days to read some of it. I hope he did.

I think these put downs are a bit sad and pathetic really. I've found a stare and shaking of head shames most drivers, and if they get angry, that's their problem. If they don't know what they did wrong, they are probably in denial and won't listen to you anyway.

I think your head is a bit too far up your Swannie.








(I apologise)

Swannie

Always Tyred wrote:

I think your head is a bit too far up your Swannie.








(I apologise)

Heheh. Well, I try to treat people how I would like to be treated. If someone screams insults at me, then I will not scream them back, because I don't like getting insulted.

They make you feel like s***, so you make them feel like s***? Tit for tat? No ta.

always_tyred

I know. Unfortunately, with the UK road attitude to cyclists, its not tit for tat, its tat. Or, on occasion when you catch them back up and loose it, tat for tit.

Its totally true that if you cycle around with a mental list of insults to pull out at the next guy that pisses you off, you aren't going to enjoy it.

Its just, when it does happen, when you do say something, its so frustrating that the killer line comes to you 10 minutes later, whereas at the time you are just a red faced person huffing and puffing and dressed in strange clothing.

Clever Pun

Always Tyred wrote:

Its just, when it does happen, when you do say something, its so frustrating that the killer line comes to you 10 minutes later, whereas at the time you are just a red faced person huffing and puffing and dressed in strange clothing.

Exactly, this thread was designed to put the driver of the offending vehicle down without causing aggravation... if you have one or two sage lines at the ready, it'll make them feel small and question why they were so selfish on the road in the first place... hopefully

BentMikey

"Get on the cycle path" : "Get on the motorway"

"Use the cycle lane" : "Naw, yooouuse de cycle lane".

Roastie

"fatty"

BentMikey

Shiny bottom

saveswalking

I find that the spontaneous oneliners are the best albeit 10 minutes later ...... but at least they are born out of direct experience ie. the recent 'incident' . Alot of the suggested put downs are good but in practice might just create confusion and embarassment :? :idea:

So whats your best spontaneus put downs then ? :P

sw

Gambatte

Adamskii wrote:

Aging sports car driver younger girlfriend in the passenger seat - To her - He has a small penis doesn't he.....

to her again...

"He reckons he gave me at least 3 foot - that explains your look of disappointment."