"Don't tell them your name, Pike"

ddraver

You re as about as effective as a condom machine in the Vatican (red dwarf)

onehipwonder

"I paid £1.00 for these pants and i've got 50p worth stuck up my a*se" Jim Royle

V-twin

One from the movies (also repeated elsewhere, I think)..

"I fell for her like a blind roofer" --- from Hotshots

Not one to be casually uttered in a business meeting though....





V-T

trailtrash

Trigger fom Only Fools . . . 'They're going to called him Rodney . . . after Dave.'

JonesyBoy

Saw tonight on Fools And Horses on UK Gold

Girl (in nightclub) - So what do you prefer Rodney Grass or Astro Turf?

Rodney - I dunno I've never smoked Astro Turf.

Cunobelin

Almost anything by the Gene Genie!

"She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot"

"You great, soft, sissy, girlie, nancy, French, bender, Man United-supporting poof!"

"What I call a dream involves Diana Dors and a bottle of chip oil."

Bronzie

Kenneth Williams in "Carry On Cleo" (I think):

"Infamy, Infamy, they've all got it in-for-me"

stevejmo7

From I'm sorry I'll read that again.

Boy walks into the shower, says' Daddy what are those for ?'

Rest of cast shout 'FOUR ????'

pedylan

First episode of Porridge.

Fletcher is undergoing his medical exam.

Medic : Any disabilities?
Fletcher : Flat feet.
Medic : Are you a practicing homosexual?
Fletcher : What with these feet?

shockedsoshocked

pedylan wrote:

First episode of Porridge.

Fletcher is undergoing his medical exam.

Medic : Any disabilities?
Fletcher : Flat feet.
Medic : Are you a practicing homosexual?
Fletcher : What with these feet?

Can't remember the exact quote, but theres some visiters to the prison, and they're in Fletchers cell. After speaking to the visitors, they turn to Mackay and say:

"He's very articulate"
"Yes, like a truck"

proto

MRS wrote:

meenaghman wrote:

Fr Jack : That would be an ecumenical matter

or Concetrate this time Dougal, these cows are small, those cows are far away.

I love my Brick.

I was about to post this too. brilliant.

markyboy2005

not the greatest line in british sit-com but the best example of timing:

Gareth Cheeseman (under-rated Steve Coogan character) is a BAD salesman who somehow manages to land a massive computer contract at a conference. As the MD walks off,camera focuses on GC who says "great......time for a w4nk".
Cut to a maid walking in on the Cheesemeister in his room, trousers down, caught in flagrante (no bicycle thankfully).

Utter class

I seem to remember the line being "a w4nk I think" utterly brilliant and I have used it many times after a customer meeting has gone better than expected. Over the years I have never met anyone else who saw this, so they really don't get it when I make that announcement!! :P

I also remember earlier in the sketch when he is on the phone talking about his ford Probe " yeah, she is like Sh&t of a shovel, corners like it is on rails.... blah blah....we should catch up some time have some beers shoot some pool....okay...okay,...bye mum"

Had me in stitches.

Matchstick Man

markyboy2005 wrote:

I also remember earlier in the sketch when he is on the phone talking about his ford Probe " yeah, she is like Sh&t of a shovel, corners like it is on rails.... blah blah....we should catch up some time have some beers shoot some pool....okay...okay,...bye mum"

Had me in stitches.

Remember, you're a tiger "rooooaaaaarrrrr"

morrisje

A couple from Bottom


Eddie. What a smashing blouse you have got on

and

Richie: Well yes, I can see your point.
Eddie: It's this new skirt, it racks up very easily.

Random Vince

big gay bear - cant remember where its from tho

chaching, money money money bob - rex the runt

its so cunning you could stick a stick up its bum and call it a weasel - again, cant remember

Matchstick Man

Random Vince wrote:

its so cunning you could stick a stick up its bum and call it a weasel - again, cant remember

I've got a plan so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel

DaveyL

Another Blackadder, this time to Lord Flashheart: "Ask them who they'd rather meet, you or the man who cleans the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock "Poo Pong" McPlop every time."

I think it's the way he says "Plop" that elevates it to genius level.

Matchstick Man

similarly, Captain George responding to Blackadder when he's on trial as the Flanders Pigeon Murderer:

"You're about as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo"

It's not the words but the inflection and tone of the delivery that ranks this right up there with Gareth Cheeseman IMO

popette

DaveyL wrote:

Another Blackadder, this time to Lord Flashheart: "Ask them who they'd rather meet, you or the man who cleans the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock "Poo Pong" McPlop every time."

I think it's the way he says "Plop" that elevates it to genius level.

DaveyL

OK, the name Wee Jock "Poo Pong" McPlop is also genius. As is Mad Mick McMad, "Madman of the year"...

Wooliferkins

|More Goons;

"I can't get in the door won't open"

"Turn the nob on your side"

"I haven't got a nob on my side!"

Or Blazing Saddles, "You are sooo talented, and they are sooo dumb"

Cunobelin

Ford Probe!

Reminds me of Muriel Grey reviewing this for a TV programme with something along thelines of:

"Come on Ford, let's not arsearound. It's a pseudo sports car for middle aged men.

Why call it a "Probe" just say what you mean and call it a Ford Penis!"

DavidBelcher

Cunobelin wrote:

Ford Probe!

Reminds me of Muriel Grey reviewing this for a TV programme with something along thelines of:

"Come on Ford, let's not arsearound. It's a pseudo sports car for middle aged men.

Why call it a "Probe" just say what you mean and call it a Ford Penis!"

....which leads us nicely on to The Fast Show, and Swiss Toni;

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Fast_Show

The Series 3, Episode 1 dialogue in the list - where he compares selling cars with dreams and so forth - is a corker!

David

jpembroke

"Just tell me what you did with all the soil Fletcher"

"oh, that's easy Sir........(Fletcher accepts gift of bottle of scotch).....we dug another tunnel and put it down there"

jpembroke

Alexie Sayle:

"I've got 2 CSEs: one in biology and one in metalwork. So, if you want your cat welded, I'm your man!"

andy_f

Flasheart - "Always treat your kite, like you treat your women"
George - "What do you mean, take her home to meet your mother?"
Flashheart - "No, get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back"
Blackadder - "Now i can see why the sufferergette movement wanted the vote"
Flasheart - "Hey, any woman who wants to tie herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement, gets my vote"

pedylan

Fawlty Towers

a difficult elderly female guest.

Guest : what room have i been allocated.
Basil : Room 6
Guest : I have very particular requirements. For example the room must be airy, is it airy?
Basil : er well, there's air in it.

ricadus

"I particularly asked for a room with a sea view".

"You can see the sea; it's over there between the land and the sky".

magibob

Not a sitcom, but as Blazing Saddles has been mentioned...

"Gee boss, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore."


Andy

ricadus

"It's not good enough."

"Well, can I ask what perhaps you were expecting to see form a Torquay hotel window? The hanging gardens of Babylon, perhaps? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plains?"