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Forum Rules on deciding who is clean

timoid.timoid. Posts: 3,133
edited October 2010 in Pro race
Seems to me, reading through the various threads that the forum has some definite ideas on who we should regard as a clean rider. In a nutshell to prove to the forum he is clean a rider must:

1. Be English
2. Failing that be British (even a contrite Scot will do)
3. If he must be a foreigner, better a Johnny Crapeau or riding for a Johnny Crapeau team
4. Be under 25; as all young riders are magically blessed with the ability to compete with doped up older guys
5. He must under no circumstances ride for a Spanish or Italian or team UNLESS he meets criteria 1 or 2
6. He cannot, under any circumstances, be American


Face it folks, we ain't got a clue who's clean and who isn't. For all we know Bradley Wiggins and Cadel Evans are running a Pot Belge ring, using Sandy Casar and Philippe Gilbert as mules.

I wish people would stop coming up with arbitrary reasons why they think a certain rider is clean and then reacting with horror at every new positive test.
It's a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
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  • NoodleyNoodley Posts: 1,725
    You're looking for a job at UCI, aren't you? :lol:
  • BronzieBronzie Posts: 4,927
    You forgot one Timoid:
    7. If they are Eastern European, or even worse, Khazak, just ban them......no testing required :wink:
  • iainf72iainf72 Posts: 15,784
    Ha. That is so funny, I was thinking of doing a post like this.

    The rules around American teams are harder though - You can only be clean on an American team if you're British.

    Also, anyone who says they've never tested positive is dodgy. If Pip Gilbert or Wiggins said that then the world would collapse in on itself and Pat McQuaid would say something sensible.
    Fckin' Quintana … that creep can roll, man.
  • 8. Personal tragedy (cancer, dying relatives and pets, brain tumours etc) is often used as a smokescreen by dopers, and should be treated as an indication of guilt.
    Punctured Bicycle, on a hillside desolate.
  • OffTheBackAdamOffTheBackAdam Posts: 1,869
    9) (Should be 1) actually!) They've just won a race
    10) They've ridden like a donkey all race.
    Remember that you are an Englishman and thus have won first prize in the lottery of life.
  • AndyGatesAndyGates Posts: 8,467
    11) Intermittent performance! If you have a bad day, that was your dealer not turning up! It wasn't just the bad day the rest of us have. If you dare have a good day after a bad day, you may as well ride off an Alp or confess.
    Wanted: Penny farthing. Please PM me!
    Advice for kilted riders: top-tubes are cold.
  • pb21pb21 Posts: 2,168
    12) Have never failed a dope test.
    Mañana
  • RichN95.RichN95. Posts: 25,883
    A lot of the Puerto codenames seemed to be the rider's dogs. So,

    Dog lovers - Dirty
    Dog haters - clean

    I declare Sandy Casar and Marcus Burghardt to be the cleanest riders in the peleton



    On a serious note: very few riders call dopers 'cheats'. Those who do repeatedly I tend to feel are clean (e.g. Evans)
    Twitter: @RichN95
  • AndyGates wrote:
    11) Intermittent performance! If you have a bad day, that was your dealer not turning up! It wasn't just the bad day the rest of us have. If you dare have a good day after a bad day, you may as well ride off an Alp or confess.

    Agree with OP, but racers themselves will know that there is a lot of truth in this. No ones legs can come and go THAT much. OK its only a clue, but one nonetheless. I would guess that a smart enough rider and doctor could easily manage a performance profile to avoid suspicion (maybe Evans was "anti-doped" in the pyrenees just to throw us off the scent.)

    Judgeing by the recent results from the French, I think you could safely assume that they are clean too, or they really really are terrible athletes...
  • saisiesaisie Posts: 20
    13) Regularly state "I'm one of the most tested athletes in sport".
    14) Become forgetful about small things, like dates or what continent they're currently in.
  • BronzieBronzie Posts: 4,927
    15) All Australians are automatically clean by default because even though they are all descended from the dregs of British society (c. 1750-1850), they would never cheat at sport* - besides they all seem such thoroughly decent chaps.

    * - does not include cricket, which they must win at any cost
  • Rob SallnowRob Sallnow Posts: 6,279
    Don't remove their sunglasses when being interviewed.
    I'd rather walk than use Shimano
  • 16) are devoutly religious (reference their gods alot)
  • KléberKléber Posts: 6,842
    17) Never managed to beat Basso, Ullrich, Pantani, Vinokourov etc in a TT or summit finish
  • Stephen SorbaStephen Sorba Posts: 1,036
    18) Must never wear a baseball hat backwards
    'e pur si muove
  • ut_och_cyklaut_och_cykla Posts: 1,594
    19) You are definitely suss if you where ridiculously tight lycra in garish colours but if you wear black don't even bother to book the hotel - you'll be out looong before you get there
  • frenchfighterfrenchfighter Posts: 30,642
    20) Stress the importance of alternative therapy/medicine.
    21) Never wear all black shoes.
    Contador is the Greatest
  • blu3catblu3cat Posts: 1,016
    9) (Should be 1) actually!) They've just won a race
    10) They've ridden like a donkey all race.

    shouldn't 10 be the sign of an ex-doper? Especially if they have 9 covered as well previously.
    "Bed is for sleepy people.
    Let's get a kebab and go to a disco."

    FCN = 3 - 5
    Colnago World Cup 2
  • Smokin JoeSmokin Joe Posts: 2,706
    And never, ever, visit a doctor for any reason. Or get caught shagging a nurse.
  • 22) Don't know the meaning of the word 'tranquillo'
  • ridgeriderridgerider Posts: 2,843
    23) Anyone who says that they have never failed a drug test therefore they must be clean needs to come off the LIst.

    All this means is they have got their dopage/screening just right.
    Half man, Half bike
  • TheStoneTheStone Posts: 2,291
    24) If you don't give a percentage of your winnings to a doctor who is a expert in blood doping
    exercise.png
  • LangerDanLangerDan Posts: 6,132
    One of the posters on Veloriders has developed a theory that the higher a riders surname scores in Scrabble, the more likely they are to be dopers - Astarloza, Sinkewitz, Astarloa Ascasibar, Pietro Caucchioli ......

    ( OK, Basso and Kohl knock holes in this theory but it may be a useful screening tool)

    Sylvester Szmyd is probably bricking it as we speak.
    'This week I 'ave been mostly been climbing like Basso - Shirley Basso.'
  • SunWuKongSunWuKong Posts: 364
    They must have lost weight with photo evidence acceptable proof of said loss.
  • calvjonescalvjones Posts: 3,850
    25) (building on 3) Be a French registered and France-resident racer on a French team.

    I genuinely can't think of any riders fulfilling this description who've had any doubt cast on them in the last decade - unless during the Cofidis scandal?

    Can anyone enlighten me?
    ___________________

    Strava is not Zen.
  • andypandyp Posts: 8,850
    Florent Brard?
  • andyp wrote:
    Florent Brard?
    Must be clean. Low scrabble score.
    Dan
  • Monty DogMonty Dog Posts: 20,614
    This is the most rational and level-headed discussion we've had on this topic for a long time - long may it continue!
    Make mine an Italian, with Campagnolo on the side..
  • ridgeriderridgerider Posts: 2,843
    Monty Dog wrote:
    This is the most rational and level-headed discussion we've had on this topic for a long time - long may it continue!
    Use scrabble scores...!
    Half man, Half bike
  • calvjonescalvjones Posts: 3,850
    andyp wrote:
    Florent Brard?

    What is it about Cofidis? Maybe we should make them an honorary non-French squad for the purposes of this debate.
    ___________________

    Strava is not Zen.
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