Choice insults

515mm · May 2007

Can anyone help me out here? It's a long one but bear with me.

Had a delightful altercation with a bloke and his girlfriend on the way into Swansea this morning. I'm doing 18/19mph, easing past the prison on Oystermouth Rd, blokey is driving the vintage white Nissan Micra and squeezes past me so close that his wing mirror just nudges my arm, but not quite enough to knock me off the bike. I call out "Oh c'mon mate, give me some bloody room" in a whiny, complaining tone of voice. It was most definately not aggressive. Though I do regret the 'bloody'.

Blokey slows down to look in his mirrors at me then accelerates up to the red light 20 yards ahead. All over, I think. Wrong!
They change lanes once we're moving again and I lose sight of them in the dense(for Swansea!) traffic.

Two minutes later they re-appear BEHIND me and the woman in the passenger seat - as they draw level - screams - and I do mean screams - "THERE'S A ****ING BIKE PATH OVER THERE!"
Nice.

We come to a halt. The only thing that pops into my head to say to her is - "Urrgh! Close your legs love, your meat stinks."

My question to the forum. Was I wrong?

The chap in the red Audi in front thought it was hilarious.........

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.....

FatBlokeFromFelixstowe · May 2007

Great insult, well done.

My e bay bargain œ 31.05
http://tinyurl.com/366awv

Unknown · May 2007

I suppose that you could have given them a well constructed argument on your right to use the road, the inadequacies of the majority of cycling facilities, and the danger of his driving manner.

However, under the circumstances I think that you couldn't have done any better!

"The trouble is, all year I haven't had the ability to go faster than possible" - Chris Boardman.

shmo · May 2007

There's always a lot of pedestrian traffic on those waterfront bike paths so I think it's better to be on the road when going at anything faster than a snails pace.

They had probably run out of booze and fags and so were off to the dole office which would explain the bad attitude. Gotta love Swansea chavs.

Eat My Dust · May 2007

I said "well done" in a cheary voice last night to the knob who pulled out on a roundabout, he had definitely seen me, but thought it was OK to pull out anyway. A few hundred yards up the road, the same car comes up behind me and the big, fat, chavvy, peroxide blonde, sovereign ring wearing prostitute leans out of the window shouting "you're the fuc*ing wan*er"

Just goes to show that some people are soooo stupid that they can't even hear properly.

BTW, I finished it all off by giving them a big cheary wave.

SNAPS

WyS · May 2007

i point at my chest, if im wearing this.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/My-Other-Rides-Yo ... dZViewItem

dombo6 · May 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by 515mm

I call out "Oh c'mon mate, give me some bloody room" in a whiny, complaining tone of voice. It was most definately not aggressive. Though I do regret the 'bloody'.

<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Too whiney and already makes you sound a victim. An aggressively loud "watch where you're f****** going you ****!" is more effective and should also warn the passenger to keep her trap shut. Better that they fear you than despise you.

Excellent riposte to the minger though.

dondare · May 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by 515mm

Can anyone help me out here? It's a long one but bear with me.

Had a delightful altercation with a bloke and his girlfriend on the way into Swansea this morning. I'm doing 18/19mph, easing past the prison on Oystermouth Rd, blokey is driving the vintage white Nissan Micra and squeezes past me so close that his wing mirror just nudges my arm, but not quite enough to knock me off the bike. I call out "Oh c'mon mate, give me some bloody room" in a whiny, complaining tone of voice. It was most definately not aggressive. Though I do regret the 'bloody'.

Blokey slows down to look in his mirrors at me then accelerates up to the red light 20 yards ahead. All over, I think. Wrong!
They change lanes once we're moving again and I lose sight of them in the dense(for Swansea!) traffic.

Two minutes later they re-appear BEHIND me and the woman in the passenger seat - as they draw level - screams - and I do mean screams - "THERE'S A ****ING BIKE PATH OVER THERE!" 
Nice.

We come to a halt. The only thing that pops into my head to say to her is - "Urrgh! Close your legs love, your meat stinks."

My question to the forum. Was I wrong?

The chap in the red Audi in front thought it was hilarious.........

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.....
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

I'd like to see all cycle-paths and lanes removed for this reason.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Idiots who leap out into the road oblivious of their own safety and mine, flailing about with bags and umbrellas in the belief that buses won't stop at bus stops if there are people just waiting there.

515mm · May 2007

Thanks guys, I feel all vindicated now [:D](and more than a bit pleased to spread a little humour about)

I take your point Dombo6, but I didn't fancy starting something I couldn't finish. We are talking about Swansea chavs after all.......
In fact, 2 months ago when I started commuting I would have shouted exactly what you suggest, but I have become somewhat reticent recently and have controlled my use of the 'Anglo-Saxon'. However, I should strive for a more authoritative approach. Is your method of dealing with this sort of ass a product of long experience?

Once again, thanks guys.[:X]

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.....

dondare · May 2007

My stock insult to a rude or ignorant person is "Thank God I'm not you". I don't even have to say it, just thinking it makes me feel better.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis and buses.

graham_g · May 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by WyS

i point at my chest, if im wearing this.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/My-Other-Rides-Yo ... dZViewItem

<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

That's awesome, I've got to get one of those.

Litespeeder · May 2007

One i've used a few times -to the ugly women (can suit a bloke too)if the person fits

@ing face like that'

Usually stirs a good response

david2 · May 2007

"I can't hear you mate, your mouths full of sh*t" is the one that always seems to get used by me.

Borrowed from John Cooper Clark.

plusgourmande · May 2007

Grinning : "What's the matter mate, don't you like bicycles?"

Unknown · May 2007

I haven't had to use any yet, but like to have a few in my back pocket, so keep them coming.
Although I guarentee when some does eventually cut me up, all that will probably spring to mind is something pathetic like "Mind out" and shake my head!
Perhaps I need to practise in the mirror

mr_hippo · May 2007

I knew a carpenter whose name was Carpenter, my barber's surname is Barber - what's your surname? Pillock?

The sky on my planet is blue, what colour is it on yours?

When your spaceship landed, where there any more survivors?

http://bangkokhippo.blogspot.com/

Ex-XXL weigh-in 26/27 May: Update published: Monday 28 May

WyS · May 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by Graham G

That's awesome, I've got to get one of those.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Got mine in the blue colour they have on the signs. price has gone up though, i got mine for a fiver.

dombo6 · May 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by 515mm

I take your point Dombo6, but I didn't fancy starting something I couldn't finish. We are talking about Swansea chavs after all.......
In fact, 2 months ago when I started commuting I would have shouted exactly what you suggest, but I have become somewhat reticent recently and have controlled my use of the 'Anglo-Saxon'. However, I should strive for a more authoritative approach. Is your method of dealing with this sort of ass a product of long experience?

<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Yes, not often needs to be used though as these plonkers are rare, even in Sarf Landan where I commute. Usually I'm polite, acknowledge with a wave cars/vans that give me a wide berth or that have stayed back due to narrow road, let me go first etc.
Chavs enjoy the escalation, "whatchoo lookin' at? Dontchoo tell me what to do?" sort of cr*p. Makes them think they're in control. If you take it straight to the maximum verbal aggression they're deflated, plus scared of getting a kicking by one of their own.

515mm · May 2007

Thanks Dombo6, that sounds like good advice - get your retaliation in first![;)] unless wit is appropiate. Gosh there's a lot more to this commuting than meets the eye. I always(usually) acknowledge careful overtaking with a wave and a grin when I can - especially if they've been overcautious. Seems like good manners to me.

The "don't you like bicycles?" retort is sheer class, however. A fine example of English understatement.(?Litotes?) I like that.

Anyone got any more? This is becoming entertaining as well as informative......

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.....

Martin rower7 · May 2007

"Were you born a w**ker, or do you just practice a lot?"

Standard response to the "Wotchoo Lookinat?" is "Dunno, but it's fecking ugly!"

........................

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

mr_hippo · May 2007

^ Another answer is 'I never knew the piled 5h1t so high.'

http://bangkokhippo.blogspot.com/

Ex-XXL weigh-in 26/27 May: Update published: Monday 28 May

WyS · May 2007

is your middle name c**t?

overmars · May 2007

"Tell your mum I said hi."

________________________
The obstacle is the path

Kevin Roch · May 2007

Male passenger in car passes me leaning out of car window making obscene gestures calling me w**ker and telling me to get off and milk it, etc. Bit further on they are stuck in traffic. I cycle up the outside. Very nice looking young lady driving. I knock on window and when she winds it down I say "excuse me Miss, could you please keep your animal under control?" The animal in the passenger seat goes balistic and gets out. I cycle off at max speed with him in persuit on foot. Soon lose him.

Some other good lines to use are:
"Where did you pass your test, Legoland?
"Where did you find your driving licence, in a Cornflakes packet?
To bus drivers:
"What's your name, Ernie Prang?"

Kevin R

Mike Healey · May 2007

Once said to a trilby wearing plonker, "Who taught you to drive, Helen Keller?"

He replied, cupping his ear, " You what?".

Organising the Bradford Kids Saturday Bike Club at the Richard Dunn Sports Centre since 1998

Hackbike 6 · May 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by WyS

i point at my chest, if im wearing this.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/My-Other-Rides-Yo ... dZViewItem

<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Fantastic.[:D]

Hackbike 8 Commuting Debut 09/09/2006Dawes Audax 2006 New 20/09/2006 

 Cycle Commuting since 1981 

Cycling Proficiency Test 24 May 1977

 Ride to work part 1 of 8 http://tinyurl.com/ypjapc
Ride to work part 2 of 8 http://tinyurl.com/2jfagu
Ride to work part 3 of 8 http://tinyurl.com/2jcldv

Flycatcher · May 2007

Wow, your mouth is as big as your arse. Works better when not sat on it but that's one of my faves.

(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(") If I could do a baby elephant I'd use that instead.

Bloke on a bikecp · May 2007

"Well, I'm here happy, fit, and enjoying myself. Which is better than being UNHEATHY, FAT, AND UGLY!"

You have to picture how my face gets closer to theirs as I thus respond. [:D]

I find that an escape route needs to be checked out first as well. But god, it's worth it.

--
Basil W Brush

urrrrrrrrrs · May 2007

the next time you have a set to with a bus driver ask him(always winds them up and works for me[:D]) "HOW MUCH DID YOU EARN AFTER TAX"

i'd rather have a bottle in front of me,than a frontal lobotomy

Jacomus-rides-Gen · May 2007

I like to let rip a stream of abuse in my most gutteral German on the odd ocasion I get cut up enough to make a big deal. The one time someone got out I switched to my finest English and kept asking them what on earth were they talking about. They were so confused they kind of deflated and got back into their car. I also cut a fairly imposing figure in bodyarmour and full face helmet, which must help a bit!

_________________________
Quote: "25mph is pretty fast when you aren't wearing a car..."

Tourist Tony · May 2007

I had one yesterday morning when, trying to cross a slip road, a Merc deliberately sped up and switched lanes to prevent me crossing. I think he saw my lips move.....stopped car, reversed back on the one-way road, got out and shouted at me:
"Did you call me a ****er you fat c**t?"
"Yes I did, but now I can see you're also a four-eyed slapheaded c*cksucker!"

Nothing original, or even fummy, but it worked for me.....

If I had a stalker, I would hug it and kiss it and call it George...or Dick

Choice insults

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