Post your favourite Viz Top Tip, here.
PostieJohn
Posts: 1,105
I heard this one on 5-live, this afternoon.
If you're running out of plan paper, just photocopy you're last sheet until you have enough.
If you're running out of plan paper, just photocopy you're last sheet until you have enough.
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Posh people, pretend you're using butter by simply using margarine and tearing the bread.
Public toilet users, when you realise the person in the next cubicle is hanging fire, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer."A cyclist has nothing to lose but his chain"
PTP Runner Up 20150 -
That was quite funny......even funnier was when Simon Mayo asked the Viz guy what his favourite character was and said 'don't say Simon Salad Cream'!!
STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past.S. DooI'd rather walk than use Shimano0 -
Save hundreds of pounds on a personalised number plate, and simply spend £50 on changing your name by deed poll.
Mr X438 DNH0 -
Save money on expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the the item you wish to view.'This week I 'ave been mostly been climbing like Basso - Shirley Basso.'0
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If you can't afford contact lenses, simply cut out small circles of cling film and place them on your eyes...
Crash 'n Burn, Peel 'n Chew
FCN: 20 -
Rodeo Sex
while doing if from behind ,,call your partner by the wrong name and then.....
see how long you can hold on for.0 -
Save moner on carpeting your whole house by just fixing carpet tiles to your feet.0
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I took Norman Tebbit's advice and now I'm Olympic 4000 metres pursuit champion.
Chris Boardman, The Wirral.0 -
Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
B. Johnson - CanadaChocolate makes your clothes shrink0 -
andyp wrote:I took Norman Tebbit's advice and now I'm Olympic 4000 metres pursuit champion.
Chris Boardman, The Wirral.
Haha thats brilliant."A cyclist has nothing to lose but his chain"
PTP Runner Up 20150 -
MOURNERS.
Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
C. Tarquin0 -
Drill a hole in the front of your fridge so that you can make sure the light goes off when you close the door.0
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Give your bird box a " thatched cottage" look by fixing two Shredded Wheat to the roof.
Make bathtime as much fun for the kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, and a dog t8rd into the bath.
Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock your cycle securely inside the horse box.
Don`t invite drug addicts round on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of "cold turkey" embarrassing or offensive.
It`s a state of mind.0 -
Tie a fish on a piece of string, climb up onto your neighbour's roof, and dangle the fish in front of his window. He'll think his house is underwater.<hr noshade size="1">
<font size="1"><font color="red">The biggest dumb ass on this forum</font id="red"></font id="size1">0 -
Convince neighbours that you own a racing cat by draping a small black cloth over its back, putting binoculars round your neck, and leading it around your lawn.
It`s a state of mind.0 -
never have sex with your wife in the morning, in case something better comes along during the day :shock:0
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Make your own Pot Noodle: Take an old plant pot and add some old shoe laces, pour in some freshly boiled water, stir, leave to stand for 3 mins then throw it in the bin. Just like the real thing! A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject - Churchill0
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Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary"Seve Ballesteros, the Spanish bull. A friend of mine said recently; 'What do you get if you cross a ballerina and a b(a)stard?' His answer, Ballesteros."0 -
Never miss a chance to use someone else's toilet, it saves cleaning your own.0
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Shoe segs make ideal "fridge magnets" for wooden cupboard doors.
Save money on mouthwash by spitting it back into the bottle after use. Replace once the whole bottle becomes too chewy.
Glue Rice Krispies to your car tyres to give your tarmac driveway that expensive "gravel" feel.
I also like the Top Tip about DIY boil-in-the-bag fish portions, but it's probably too disgusting to post whilst people may well be eating their lunch....
David"It is not enough merely to win; others must lose." - Gore Vidal0 -
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job0
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When parking in a large car park, let the air out of your tyres so your car sits 6 inches lower than everyone elses thus allowing you find your car more quickly.0
