Post your favourite Viz Top Tip, here.

PostieJohn

I heard this one on 5-live, this afternoon.

If you're running out of plan paper, just photocopy you're last sheet until you have enough.

shockedsoshocked

Posh people, pretend you're using butter by simply using margarine and tearing the bread.

Public toilet users, when you realise the person in the next cubicle is hanging fire, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

Rob Sallnow

That was quite funny......even funnier was when Simon Mayo asked the Viz guy what his favourite character was and said 'don't say Simon Salad Cream'!!

STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past.S. Doo

SteveR_100Milers

Save hundreds of pounds on a personalised number plate, and simply spend £50 on changing your name by deed poll.

Mr X438 DNH

LangerDan

Save money on expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the the item you wish to view.

Massimo

If you can't afford contact lenses, simply cut out small circles of cling film and place them on your eyes...

jibi

Rodeo Sex

while doing if from behind ,,call your partner by the wrong name and then.....
see how long you can hold on for.

thedoctor

Save moner on carpeting your whole house by just fixing carpet tiles to your feet.

andyp

I took Norman Tebbit's advice and now I'm Olympic 4000 metres pursuit champion.

Chris Boardman, The Wirral.

stage_fright

Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

B. Johnson - Canada

shockedsoshocked

andyp wrote:

I took Norman Tebbit's advice and now I'm Olympic 4000 metres pursuit champion.

Chris Boardman, The Wirral.

Haha thats brilliant.

mangaman

MOURNERS.

Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.

C. Tarquin

jswba

Drill a hole in the front of your fridge so that you can make sure the light goes off when you close the door.

graham56

Give your bird box a " thatched cottage" look by fixing two Shredded Wheat to the roof.

Make bathtime as much fun for the kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt, and a dog t8rd into the bath.

Beat bicycle theft by towing a horse box behind your bike. When you stop, simply padlock your cycle securely inside the horse box.

Don`t invite drug addicts round on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of "cold turkey" embarrassing or offensive.

tricitybendix

Tie a fish on a piece of string, climb up onto your neighbour's roof, and dangle the fish in front of his window. He'll think his house is underwater.

graham56

Convince neighbours that you own a racing cat by draping a small black cloth over its back, putting binoculars round your neck, and leading it around your lawn.

banjoblues

never have sex with your wife in the morning, in case something better comes along during the day :shock:

Crapaud

Make your own Pot Noodle: Take an old plant pot and add some old shoe laces, pour in some freshly boiled water, stir, leave to stand for 3 mins then throw it in the bin. Just like the real thing!

cabledonuts

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

southlaker

Never miss a chance to use someone else's toilet, it saves cleaning your own.

DavidBelcher

Shoe segs make ideal "fridge magnets" for wooden cupboard doors.

Save money on mouthwash by spitting it back into the bottle after use. Replace once the whole bottle becomes too chewy.

Glue Rice Krispies to your car tyres to give your tarmac driveway that expensive "gravel" feel.

I also like the Top Tip about DIY boil-in-the-bag fish portions, but it's probably too disgusting to post whilst people may well be eating their lunch....

David

UncleFred

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job

SteveR_100Milers

When parking in a large car park, let the air out of your tyres so your car sits 6 inches lower than everyone elses thus allowing you find your car more quickly.