Being a man.
homers_double
Posts: 8,279
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially police men but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and, as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish, noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT œ200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump !
<b><font size="1"><center><font color="red">When God created mountains he meant them for climbing, not to be used as glorified toboggan runs.</font id="red"></center>
<center> <font color="blue">Riding for <i>Team Cake </i>in 2007</font id="blue"></center></font id="size1"></b>
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially police men but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and, as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish, noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT œ200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump !
<b><font size="1"><center><font color="red">When God created mountains he meant them for climbing, not to be used as glorified toboggan runs.</font id="red"></center>
<center> <font color="blue">Riding for <i>Team Cake </i>in 2007</font id="blue"></center></font id="size1"></b>
Advocate of disc brakes.
0
Comments
-
lol!!!
<hr noshade size="1"><center><blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by EvilAlex</i>
Something round here tastes bad. Could be plain old bad taste.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote"></center>www.mtb-bitz.co.uk - Bitz for you & your mountain bike. pinkbike</center>www.mtb-bitz.co.uk - Bitz for you & your mountain bike. pinkbike0 -
Brilliant.
ForBloodAnd Empire
Nothing says "ouch" like a punctured gut
Co factory rider for DUST TILL DAWN
Myspace0 -
-
Awesome.0
-
good call sir... Felt the need to share that with the office [:D]
<hr noshade size="1"><font size="1"><font color="green"><center><i>Originally posted by John</i>
It'll be like being tw<s></s>ated in the face by the 60s.</center>
</font id="green"></font id="size1">
<font color="brown"><center>Join us HERE!</center></font id="brown">
0 -
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
That made me laugh for a good 5 minutes.
<h6>EatMe</h6><h6>EatMe</h6>0 -
Needs something about maps or asking for directions to top it off
A little bit of pain never hurt anyonePain is not temporary at all. It sneaks back up on you when its cold and damp0 -
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by homers double</i>
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
LIES!
<hr noshade size="1"><font size="1"><center><font color="red"><3<3 whyamihere
<3</font id="red"></center>
<font color="orange">Kitty's World</font id="orange">
<div align="right"><font color="blue">The</font id="blue"> <font color="red">Attention</font id="red"> <font color="blue">Whore</font id="blue"></div id="right"></font id="size1">0 -
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by homers double</i>
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and, as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish, noisy destruction.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
Liked that one best [:D]
<hr noshade size="1">
<center>Static Plan B</center><hr noshade size="1">
<center><blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Red Lemon</i>
It\'s because muslims are far more into amateur pyrotechnics than christians.<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote"></center>0 -
Excellent! [:D]
<hr noshade size="1"><b><center><font size="1"><font color="blue">Team</font id="blue"> <font color="blue">Cake</font id="blue"> <font color="blue">Official</font id="blue"> <font color="blue">Rider</font id="blue">
><font color="green"><b>Lama Cycles</font id="green"></b><font color="green"> <i>"Attitude with Spit"</i></font id="green"> <</font id="size1">
Official Forum Legend 2006 & 2007</b></center>0 -
25. ABLE TO HANDLE ALCOHOL - The ability to drink more than 4 pints of beer without having to make an embarrassment of ourselves and have to be taken home early and put to sleep on the floor next to the toilet.
<center><font color="red"><b>My Scott</b></font id="red"></center>0 -
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
The most manly thing ever!
<center><hr noshade size="1">www.MikeDeere.co.uk <hr noshade size="1"></center>0 -
Welding is manly as fook, as is wet shaving, leaning on the bar with a pint of manly ale, leaving stacks of empty beer cans around the flat for the missus to moan about, and finally appreciating james bond (the older ones anyway!) - i have yet to meet a woman who can stand it...its just that little bit too manly for them
<center>pinkbike</center>
<center>new frame [:D]</center><center>pinkbike</center>0 -
Absolute class
<font color="black">Pain is temporary, pride is forever</font id="black">
<b>New_Ride</b>
<b>Other_bike</b>
<b>Rate_my_bike</b>0 -
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Kitty</i>
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by homers double</i>
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
LIES!
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
I whole heartedly agree!
<b>Winner of the "Most likely to be rohypnoled by another forumite" award</b>
<div align="right">Myspace</div id="right"><div align="left">Bebo</div id="left">Little Purple Patriot
0 -
Fantastic0
-
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Drfabulous0</i>
25. ABLE TO HANDLE ALCOHOL - The ability to drink more than 4 pints of beer without having to make an embarrassment of ourselves and have to be taken home early and put to sleep on the floor next to the toilet.
<center><font color="red"><b>My Scott</b></font id="red"></center>
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
4 pints? Most real man have the ability to top ten pints and still keep upright and not cry. Unless you're 6 stone or something.
Anyway, another one that should be on that list
Always offer to look under the bonnet, wether you know anything about cars or not, if you mate, bird, or some tart is having engine trouble, always stick you head under the bonnet, flick the distributor cap thingy a few times and matter of factly state they should get it to a garage asap.
<font color="red">My Latest Crap on Wheels...</font id="red">0 -
quality... the one about the hammer in B&Q. so real. who hasnt done that here
<font color="red"><i>Az</i></font id="red">
<center>
<font color="purple">...!!!... I couldnt fix your brakes... So i made your horn louder ...!!!...</font id="purple">
Scott
</center>i used to have a sig [;)]0 -
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by DJIP</i>
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Kitty</i>
<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by homers double</i>
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
LIES!
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
I whole heartedly agree!
<b>Winner of the "Most likely to be rohypnoled by another forumite" award</b>
<div align="right">Myspace</div id="right"><div align="left">Bebo</div id="left">
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
you realise this is "how to be manly" not "we do this all the time because we are men"... If so then how is acting like a brain hemmorage is nothing NOT manly?
<hr noshade size="1"><font size="1"><font color="green"><center><i>Originally posted by John</i>
It'll be like being tw<s></s>ated in the face by the 60s.</center>
</font id="green"></font id="size1">
<font color="brown"><center>Join us HERE!</center></font id="brown">0
<3</font id="red">
