Hypothetical Legal Advice

FurryNipples · June 2007

Say some old friends have since turned into stoner retards.

One evening a few weeks ago, they came uninvited on to my property in the dead of night. They covered the next door neighbours wall in lard (has luckily gone unnoticed), stole a chair from somewhere and covered it in lard, leaving in my driveway in the way of the gate and had planned to cover the family L200 in lard but were spooked as the outside lights were on. I know all this, because they told me about a week later thinking it was the most hilarious thing ever and that they had also planned to climb in a window from atop my garage, again 'as a joke'.

Obviously this would displease me, but I am a polite soul and partially laughed it off.

Till recently. I heard from a VERY reliable source, (namely the stonerscumfucks themselves) that another vandalism has been planned for the L200 again very soon. It's TT week now, so it is bound to happen some time this week.

What, if anything am I allowed to do to them if they are found on my property? I want them to regret ever breaking into my garden and threatening to break into my house again, with as much pain as possible.

This is all hypothetical of course.

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RobA · June 2007

Shotgun or a sniper rifle.

nirveous · June 2007

If you know how to, break their legs.
You can then say that because they were stoned, they were climbing onto things, and in that state, they fell off.

<hr noshade size="1">The Hardrock

UH DH · June 2007

Jump leads, and wire up any metal fencing you have to the mains.

Lock gates into drive and smear grease on all fencing.

Leave door to an outbuilding/garage open so they go inside but butter the floor.

Set up webcams to record what they are doing, then use it as blackmail.

Take a slab out of the garden path, dig pit underneath, fill with oil, water and red food colouring. Make fake slab out of polystyrene and place over pit.

QUERTY QUERTY QUERTY

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by the abductor
++kschhh-schhh++ Madeline, I AM your father ++kschhh-schhh++<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

rubber side up · June 2007

Contact the police. i know you are allowed to use "reasonable force". but i'm thinking that reasonable force depends on the area you live in.

<hr noshade size="1"><center><blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by EvilAlex

Something round here tastes bad. Could be plain old bad taste.
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me_groovy · June 2007

I'm loving the electrified front gate idea. can you not put the car in the garage? Or do something to their cars?

<center><blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by bEavoLa

as i washed my nutsack with my soapy cloth i couldn't help but release a slight "Yaaaaarrrgh"...
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">I killed the president of paraguay with a fork. how have you been?</center>

nirveous · June 2007

Also, lard?
WTF?

<hr noshade size="1">The Hardrock

UH DH · June 2007

Get hold of a weedsprayer bottle.

Take several packs of hot chillies, grind into a paste, mix into a pot of water. Add food colouring, washing up liquid, fresh ginger and curry powder. Boil for a while, strain the bits out and fill the weedsprayer with the mix.

Spray them when theycome into your garden. Its bound to sting. Aim for the eyes.

QUERTY QUERTY QUERTY

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by the abductor
++kschhh-schhh++ Madeline, I AM your father ++kschhh-schhh++<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Dodgex1 · June 2007

"Reasonable Force" is allowed as mentioned but at the end of the day it comes down to discression, if they're about to put lard on your car and you jump out of a bush and cave their head in with a bat I don't think its down as reasonable. Get a car cover as a mild deterrent, as you said you've already got outside lights and sticking a webcam/security camera (Can get them for about 100quid from argos now-not fantastic but do the job) isn't unfeasable.

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Big Red S · June 2007

You're not allowed to do much to them, really. You may defend yourself with reasonable force, but I'm not certain you're even allowed to apply force to remove them.
I'd go with balancing heavy things precariously, leaving bare live wires lying around etc. (keep pets out...)
Alternatively, tell the police. They'll not do anything now, but then you can record the event and give them the footage.

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UH DH · June 2007

You can set up a standard cheapy webcam to turn on when it detects motion. Theres a program on the web that does that. It detects motion, pulls the computer out of standby and sets it recording.

QUERTY QUERTY QUERTY

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by the abductor
++kschhh-schhh++ Madeline, I AM your father ++kschhh-schhh++<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

St.D1ckie · June 2007

use a camcorder or similar to record them breaking into your property, turn camera off.

baseball bat, aim for the knees.

call police.

They will be stoned so wont remember much, and it'll be their word against yours, but you will have evidence of them breaking an entry so you'll have the upper hand.

<hr noshade size="1">
Fight The FC , Not Each Other

Richard

Jonnyp1 · June 2007

I'm no physicist (coming from a physics A level student) but surely you could connect the actual car to the mains somehow? that'd give 'em a shock.

Pun intended.

El Capitano · June 2007

Do they have to climb over a fence over 6ft high to get into your garden/property?

If so, put carpet grippers all around the top of the walls. Not only will it shred their hands, but it does leave some nice DNA traces for the Police to trace them with. This is perfectly legal - I was informed to do this by the local CID after the last break-in on the shed.

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Big Red S · June 2007

The car's electrics would love that....

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Jonnyp1 · June 2007

hmmm.....well, i'm clearly well prepared for my physics exams on friday

St.D1ckie · June 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by El Capitano

Do they have to climb over a fence over 6ft high to get into your garden/property?

If so, put carpet grippers all around the top of the walls. Not only will it shred their hands, but it does leave some nice DNA traces for the Police to trace them with. This is perfectly legal - I was informed to do this by the local CID after the last break-in on the shed.

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<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

liking this idea.. could try and submerge them slightly as well, or put them on the garden side of the fence so as they are less obvious from the outside

<hr noshade size="1">
Fight The FC , Not Each Other

Richard

Mattie · June 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by Big Red S

You're not allowed to do much to them, really. You may defend yourself with reasonable force, but I'm not certain you're even allowed to apply force to remove them.<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Depends, if they're on your propety without your permission, they're illegally there.

Put two and two together. If someone is illegally on your property it's my honest held belief that you can get them off any way you see fit without injuring them.

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by Flurry

did you do a Mattie?<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">
<center>"Most Likely To Die First" as voted for in the Forum Awards 2007</center>

UH DH · June 2007

Hideous tentacle rape.

QUERTY QUERTY QUERTY

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by the abductor
++kschhh-schhh++ Madeline, I AM your father ++kschhh-schhh++<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

mr kirk · June 2007

have you never seen home alone?

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stick · June 2007

you could make your front garden into a midnight fairground for stoners. Some trip wires here and there, carpet grippers, and to top it off, you with a hosepipe or jetwash. Bucket of ice cubes thrown out a window.
OR park your car somewhere else on the night.

Whats 12ft long?black and and has four people astride it?

UH DH · June 2007

Follow the shirt ninja instructions, and scare the comestibles out of them.

QUERTY QUERTY QUERTY

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by the abductor
++kschhh-schhh++ Madeline, I AM your father ++kschhh-schhh++<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

mr pie man 2 · June 2007

Instead of carpet grippers use 5/6" nails nailed thorugh a peice of wood, a friend has this and many chunks of fleash have been found on it. Also trip wires around the car and once there down stick some sort of bag on their heads (Preferably material and not plastic so they don't suffocate but thats up to you) tie them up and ring police.

A beating may be in order before the police arrive or simply chuck the in a jypo site or something still tied up and avoid the fuzz.

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UH DH · June 2007

This is on the Isle of Man, of course, where everyone is ga<s></s>y. Bug<s></s>ger them dry.

QUERTY QUERTY QUERTY

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by the abductor
++kschhh-schhh++ Madeline, I AM your father ++kschhh-schhh++<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Sno_man517 · June 2007

if you are going to use any recordings as evidence i think you need to have a timestamp

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

mr kirk · June 2007

Instead of carped grippers, used syringes with HIV+ blood on them, they are druggies so people ownt suspect you ( aslong as you dispose of the needles ) then they will die in a comical fashion.

( if you have seen 51st state where samuel l jackson gives the punks them pills that make them corr blimey themselfs) do that because they will just take them, film it and blackmail.

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Anonymous · June 2007

If you put spikes up you have t have a warning sign up to I think. It will be dark, so they won;t see it,but I'm pretty sure you have to have one.

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davesnothere · June 2007

zomgstonerz!!!111!!!!!!!! [:0]

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crustedwith semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will staggerr and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command - including yours. BEWARE.

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by Tartanyak

It amuses me. You have a large smile. A dockworkers smile.
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homers_double · June 2007

Butter the floor, you know it makes sense.

<center>When God created mountains he meant them for climbing, not to be used as glorified toboggan runs.</center>
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_Andy_H · June 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by homers double

Butter the floor, you know it makes sense.

<center>When God created mountains he meant them for climbing, not to be used as glorified toboggan runs.</center>
<center> Riding for Team Cake in 2007</center>

<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

Be funny when the postman/paper boy comes in the morning [:D]

<center>Stab</center>
<center>Cannock</center>

Alex · June 2007

<blockquote id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">Originally posted by DavesNotHere

KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crustedwith semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will staggerr and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command - including yours. BEWARE.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote">

This ^ Just made my day [:D]

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Hypothetical Legal Advice

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