Post of the Tour 2018 Edition

above_the_cows

Roll up, roll through, roll off!

Now that the 2018 Tour of France, as the dulcet tones of Shaun Kelly likes to call it, is officially underway it is time to open the Post of the Tour Competition 2018 Edition.

It's been a quiet build up to this year's Tour, absolutely no funny business has been had and everyone has behaved with the upmost integrity.

Gone are the days of the Tour being a publicity circus aimed at flogging newspapers. These days barely a column inch is devoted to the shenanigans of the Gladiators on Wheels.

Anyway this year's Tour is kindly sponsored by Asthmatics Anonymous in the hope of raising awareness of the continued difficulties asthmatics face least alone in the professional sporting world.



For ideas and inspiration, or for a jolly trip down memory foam pillow marginal gains lane, previous editions can be found here:

2013: http://www.bikeradar.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=12931446&p=18426798
2014: http://www.bikeradar.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=12975205
2015: http://www.bikeradar.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=13031958&p=19640161
2016: http://www.bikeradar.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=13067005#p19911433
2017: https://www.bikeradar.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=40002&t=13082038

Sadly we have no Fabio Aru this year so there will be none of this...



And we have lost Haimar Zubeldia from the pro-peloton or have we...? No one knows because, well he's Haimar Zubeldia and that's what he does.

Let the funny business commence!

slim_boy_fat

I'll open up with Tim000.

tim000 wrote:

bobmcstuff wrote:

gsk82 wrote:

TailWindHome wrote:

iainf72 wrote:

https://twitter.com/DickinsonTimes/status/1015515615581401088

How many tests for Salbutamol were done?
What were the range of values for the 57 AAFs and the 30 sanctions.
Why were the 27 AAF 'reversals' reversed?
How many athletes were involved - 57? or did athletes return more than 1 AAF?
How many AAFs per yer? Consistent, increasing or declining?

All 27 were Chris Froome

Even the ones in amateur boxing

they were bouhanni

above_the_cows

Yes that was VERY funny.

bobmcstuff

I'm claiming an assist on that one

RichN95.

I can't nominate my own posts. But after my lanterne rouge post I must admit this is how I am feeling right now (with a lot of alcohol it must be said)



You need to bring your milkshake to the yard - Echelons! doesn't hack it anymore

Lanterne_Rogue

RichN95 wrote:

I can't nominate my own posts. But after my lanterne rouge post I must admit this is how I am feeling right now (with a lot of alcohol it must be said)



You need to bring your milkshake to the yard - Echelons! doesn't hack it anymore

Well I'll nominate it for you, how about that?

No_Ta_Doctor

RichN95 wrote:

I can't nominate my own posts. But after my lanterne rouge post I must admit this is how I am feeling right now (with a lot of alcohol it must be said)



You need to bring your milkshake to the yard - Echelons! doesn't hack it anymore

My word, what an effort.

Not for me, this somewhat gauche display of ostentatious creativity. My own endeavour will be to craft the perfect one liner; a comment so subtle and ambiguous that 95% of the forum won't even realise it's a joke until long after the cobbles of the Champs-Élysées have been ridden, yet so potent that the few that recognise it contemporaneously will miss at least an hour of the racing through loss of control of bodily function. The sort of joke that is received first with a wry smile, and then slowly unpacks itself, layer by layer, until the reader is left in hysterical fits of laughter. In decades to come it may earn itself a small brass plaque by the side of a road in France, which the cognoscenti will seek out to pause for a moment's quiet reflection, before taking some stylish photos to accompany the rouleur article they're writing on it. A local barman with a long memory and some skill with the telling of nostalgic tales will provide an oral history for those that know their business. Each year, a few souls - self-elected guardians of the joke - will gather for the annual re-telling, in a short and extremely pithy ceremony. The numbers will dwindle as age claims its inevitable debts and yet somehow, against all the odds, the tradition will be borne over to the next generation.

Obviously, I shall regard any nomination on this thread as a complete and catastrophic failure on my part. Conversely, any humorous comments that do not receive much attention, let alone reporting here, will be regarded as implicitly successful, and I shall look forward to my plaque.


On a side note, I believe you may be experiencing a moment of confusion regarding yards and milkshakes. As I understand it, after careful textual analysis, the point of the euphemistic milkshakes is that they somehow attract others, predominantly young males, to the yard. It is doubtful, according to the rhetorical devices and narrative structure applied in the song, that these young men would turn up at the yard at all - let alone bearing their own milkshakes - if it were not for the presence of high quality and desirable milkshakes in the yard in the first place.

above_the_cows

From today's TTT thread by the Carpet Bottom.

underlayunderlay wrote:

Meanwhile, in the Movistar Hunger Games, we're down to five riders...

Lanterne_Rogue

The Lanterne Thread seems to be where it's happening this year - there's no greater joy than idly tossing a ball up and watching someone hammer it to the boundary, and No aT Doctor duly delivered from a passing reference to Althea and Donna and now I can't shift the tune from my head:

"See mi pon the road and hear you call out to me,
True you see me in me bibs and ting,
See me slippin out the back,
Sey me gi' you heart attack
Gimme likkle space, make me wine down me pace
Uptown top rankin"

No_Ta_Doctor

larkim wrote:

bobmcstuff wrote:

No tA Doctor wrote:

Are we seriously not going to have even the slightest schoolboy giggle about the finish town?

Yes.

Just sad they aren't going to Brest

They go there too often, so they've been told they need to pay attention to the other areas.

larkim

Honoured!

ddraver

M.R.M. wrote:

Sources say, they will merge with Katusha as well and be called BMCCCP

above_the_cows

From the stage of tedium

underlayunderlay wrote:

Alright, new game: how would Elon Musk save this stage?

I'll kick off with reversing the polarity of the French power network so that the windfarms blow instead of sucking, thereby leading to echelons. Any improvements?

salsiccia1

I liked

Lucan wrote:

TheBigBean wrote:

Who are are Movistar trying to put time into?

Landa, the new boy?

above_the_cows

Slow days are good for posts...

davidof wrote:

darkhairedlord wrote:

Jesus, surely they cant serve up more of this turgid durge tomorrow, it's Bastille day FFS!

I think it is like this until the 17th.

Chris froome is probably regreting the wada decision.

above_the_cows

Steve's only turned up for a few minutes and...

pottssteve wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

pottssteve wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

pottssteve wrote:

Stop whining - it's 11.35pm here and I'm staying awake for it, despite it being waaaaay past my bedtime.

It's still better than 90 day Fiance: Happily ever after? which is what my OH is watching...

Steve! No Cheng Ji to pull them along though so this is why they are going to slow and this stage is taking forever.

The ITV 4 team have clearly been reading this thread...
De Ghent is doing his best, and though Cheng Ji is not riding this year he is, in his own way, always with us...

Like Haimar.

and the poor

cygnet

Above The Cows wrote:

Steve's only turned up for a few minutes and...

pottssteve wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

pottssteve wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

pottssteve wrote:

Stop whining - it's 11.35pm here and I'm staying awake for it, despite it being waaaaay past my bedtime.

It's still better than 90 day Fiance: Happily ever after? which is what my OH is watching...

Steve! No Cheng Ji to pull them along though so this is why they are going to slow and this stage is taking forever.

The ITV 4 team have clearly been reading this thread...
De Ghent is doing his best, and though Cheng Ji is not riding this year he is, in his own way, always with us...

Like Haimar.

and the poor

____________________________________________________________________________________
Correlation is not causation.

"He's not the new Merckx, he's just a very talented cyclist!"

Edited slightly so that Above the Cows' sig appears...

above_the_cows

From the Mini PR stage thread

No tA Doctor wrote:

Real shame that they named a pavé secteur after Thibault Pinot and he didn't even turn up to ride it. I'm sure he would have loved it.

above_the_cows

underlayunderlay wrote:

Blazing Saddles wrote:

6 Movistar riders in the front group.
Sky down to Thomas and Froome.

So by my maths that makes three Movistar riders all desperately hoping to shake off their main rivals in the next 35km.

above_the_cows

TakeTheHighRoad wrote:

Ridgerider wrote:

I have seen one pro team out on a leg loosener, and have seen two pros from another team checking out the finish!

I have seen cows as you have never seen them before.

And more real food from the region.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

above_the_cows

There's some good action happening on a rest day for sure...

underlayunderlay wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Does no one else find the Col de Bluffy a hilarious name? Who is going to bluff on the Col de Bluffy?

Another one of those occasions where famous teams have left us too soon. Now I'll never get a chance to drop Bluffy the Lampre Slayer casually into a thread.

Lanterne_Rogue

Usually the point of this thread is to pick out the one-liners, but Ridgerider's report from the front line really ought to be commended for going above and beyond - cracking insight into following the tour properly, rather than just on TV (and yeah, I saw the Yorkshire stages, but...)

above_the_cows

I agree. He has suffered. He even had to drink a coke for FFS!

No_Ta_Doctor

I'm just please to see I have so few entries. My plan is working. My plaque awaits.

bobmcstuff

Above The Cows wrote:

There's some good action happening on a rest day for sure...

underlayunderlay wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Does no one else find the Col de Bluffy a hilarious name? Who is going to bluff on the Col de Bluffy?

Another one of those occasions where famous teams have left us too soon. Now I'll never get a chance to drop Bluffy the Lampre Slayer casually into a thread.

I found that a little contrived, if I'm honest...

m.r.m.

Doesn't that fit the plot of that show perfectly?

ocdupalais

bobmcstuff wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

There's some good action happening on a rest day for sure...

underlayunderlay wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Does no one else find the Col de Bluffy a hilarious name? Who is going to bluff on the Col de Bluffy?

Another one of those occasions where famous teams have left us too soon. Now I'll never get a chance to drop Bluffy the Lampre Slayer casually into a thread.

I found that a little contrived, if I'm honest...

Tough audiant!
Find me a joke that’s not contrived?....

No_Ta_Doctor

OCDuPalais wrote:

bobmcstuff wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

There's some good action happening on a rest day for sure...

underlayunderlay wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Does no one else find the Col de Bluffy a hilarious name? Who is going to bluff on the Col de Bluffy?

Another one of those occasions where famous teams have left us too soon. Now I'll never get a chance to drop Bluffy the Lampre Slayer casually into a thread.

I found that a little contrived, if I'm honest...

Tough audiant!
Find me a joke that’s not contrived?....

Your mum.

ocdupalais

No tA Doctor wrote:

OCDuPalais wrote:

bobmcstuff wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

There's some good action happening on a rest day for sure...

underlayunderlay wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Does no one else find the Col de Bluffy a hilarious name? Who is going to bluff on the Col de Bluffy?

Another one of those occasions where famous teams have left us too soon. Now I'll never get a chance to drop Bluffy the Lampre Slayer casually into a thread.

I found that a little contrived, if I'm honest...

Tough audiant!
Find me a joke that’s not contrived?....

Your mum.

Schooled in London by any chance?
The 2 words guaranteed to start a playground fight in a moment, where I went...

gsk82

bobmcstuff wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

There's some good action happening on a rest day for sure...

underlayunderlay wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

Does no one else find the Col de Bluffy a hilarious name? Who is going to bluff on the Col de Bluffy?

Another one of those occasions where famous teams have left us too soon. Now I'll never get a chance to drop Bluffy the Lampre Slayer casually into a thread.

I found that a little contrived, if I'm honest...

I think he deliberately set up his full response around making that joke at the end.

pottssteve

Above The Cows wrote:

jam1e wrote:

knedlicky wrote:

Above The Cows wrote:

"Safety strap on"

I've no need for one, mine in the garden between trees - 2 ft off the ground.

Bit unconventional - don't the neighbours have something to say about that...?

They're planning on swinging by.

Nice.