Disinterested grandparents
macs
Posts: 209
A little geographic background: my parents live in London, my sister and her husband and children live about 10 minute walk from my parents. My wife's parents and bother and sister in law live about 5 mins walk from us in Nottingham. Wife's mother is disabled (m.s.) and dad is full time carer for her.
But all this aside our families on both sides are not very interested in their grandchildren. My parents would be a bit more involved but they live 135 miles away so it's understandable that they aren't always helping but even when they come to stay or we go to them, they don't volunteer to look after them or get up early so we can have a lie in. My parents are so different with my sister's sister's kids. Maybe because they see them more often or maybe because they think we're coping whilst my sister did have a mini meltdown after her first was born. For whatever reason, it's hard to see my parents playing with my nephew or cuddling my niece and ignoring my kids.
My wife's parents show very little interest in our kids, they only see their grandkids when we invite them round and they don't really try to talk or engage with them when they do see them. My wife's bother and sister in law are just the same. Again, that's hard to see when they only live down the road.
Does anyone else have similar experiences with grandparents? I know we're lucky, my kids have 4 grandparents and there are no fall outs to have to deal with. My wife and I are in good and relatively safe jobs and we live in decent comfort - I don't say that to be braggy, just so you know we're not struggling to pay for childcare etc i.e. that's not the issue here.
If I had to sum up my kid's grandparents quickly, it would be with this statistic; my eldest is 5 and a half and me or my wife have been the person to get up with him everyday of his life apart from 1 and that was only because our daughter was throwing up blood in the night and we both wanted to be at the hospital (i.e. not your average day).
Any advice from people in similar situations would be nice to hear.
But all this aside our families on both sides are not very interested in their grandchildren. My parents would be a bit more involved but they live 135 miles away so it's understandable that they aren't always helping but even when they come to stay or we go to them, they don't volunteer to look after them or get up early so we can have a lie in. My parents are so different with my sister's sister's kids. Maybe because they see them more often or maybe because they think we're coping whilst my sister did have a mini meltdown after her first was born. For whatever reason, it's hard to see my parents playing with my nephew or cuddling my niece and ignoring my kids.
My wife's parents show very little interest in our kids, they only see their grandkids when we invite them round and they don't really try to talk or engage with them when they do see them. My wife's bother and sister in law are just the same. Again, that's hard to see when they only live down the road.
Does anyone else have similar experiences with grandparents? I know we're lucky, my kids have 4 grandparents and there are no fall outs to have to deal with. My wife and I are in good and relatively safe jobs and we live in decent comfort - I don't say that to be braggy, just so you know we're not struggling to pay for childcare etc i.e. that's not the issue here.
If I had to sum up my kid's grandparents quickly, it would be with this statistic; my eldest is 5 and a half and me or my wife have been the person to get up with him everyday of his life apart from 1 and that was only because our daughter was throwing up blood in the night and we both wanted to be at the hospital (i.e. not your average day).
Any advice from people in similar situations would be nice to hear.
0
Posts
Some people are just odd.
My daughter and son in law have decided if she's not bothered, they are not so they don't bother with his side of the family.
So what I sort of saying if your not bothered with my kids then I'm not bothered about you.
Families eh.
And they voted Brexit.
https://twitter.com/roubaixcc
Facebook? No. Just say no.
Sorry bud but your wives parents have MS and is a carer... & your parents live 135miles away!! not exactly "down the road" and both sets of parents think your managing very well.... maybe they ve enough on their plate and dont want to appear over bearing???
why dont you speak to them about how you both feel????
the reality is that not all grandparents are kind and cuddly and dote on their grand kids, if they dont respond to you talking to them, then accept them for what they are, first Q i d be asking myself was "how were they as parents?"
They still manage the energy / inclination to disappear on holiday for 10 weeks a year, often driving to the South of France!
Besides, they can still talk so why not engage our kids a bit more when they do come round. Reading a book with them would make the kid's days. We've mentioned this but it never happens.
Exactly 2 points that have crossed my mind. They are mid-late 60s so could be excused for that. And that I will try harder with my grandkids if I can.
i do feel for you, i do, when i needed my mum and the in laws grandparents, they were there for me and my daughter, the in-laws rather too much but considering what happened to their daughter, hardly surprising really.
you may have to accept that they are not nice people in the way you want and need, if you talk to them and they still dont engage, then realise you cant make people behave in the way you want,
i would def talk very firmly to them about how you both feel, if they still are indifferent, then move on and dont waste any more time on them, people who cant enage with toddlers usually have a few issues themselves.
I personally never liked my ex mum in law but I genuinely don't understand what the f*ck is going on in her head!
Wrong side of the village?
My parents live 300 miles away and my inlaws live on the other side of the Irish Sea.
Sez me with 2 grandkids, and good relationships all round (bar the censored druggie father who bailed as they were being born).
Talk, and if no better, bollox to it, move on.
The upsides of course - free child care, never having to fork out pocket money, and seeing more of your family because you are forever having to go round and get tem as they are due at football/cubs/scouts or whatever and aren't home yet.
Yet, if you talk to the wife's sister she is and this is a quote 'a shitty grandmother' and never helps her. What she doesn't realise is in exchange for the help we help her with stuff at her house and more importantly have her over to stay whenever she wants company
Got to admit we are lucky
There were other complications I guess. Including having the Mrs' mother move in next door to us (2 new houses on a new street).
But, to be fair, she had just lost her husband of 60 years.
https://twitter.com/roubaixcc
Facebook? No. Just say no.
bl00dy right it s a sign of the times, at any age, i d no sooner have spoken to my nan and grandpop (who were equally disinterested) like that than jump over the moon, my feet, as my mum would have said "wouldnt have touched the ground"
And if my daughter had spoken to any of her elderly relatives like that i d have been ashamed of her, its not an 11yo's job to verbally discipline their Grandparents.
Grandparents have bought up kids once before, maybe some have had such a terrible time of it, they dont want anything more to do with?
Just as not all grandparents are perfect, not all children are particularly nice either :?:
Good on them!
Don't know what to say... I find it difficult to relate to my nephew, who is 10... his only interest are videogames and very different from the sort of arcades I used to play when I was in my teen, also not the kind of games we could play together. He doesn't care about football, cycling or anything we could be doing outdoor together. He has no interest in any school stuff, which I could help him with... doesn't like reading books...
Frankly he is quite dull and I am not uber keen to spend time with him. We once had a bit of fun with water guns in the Italian summer heat, except he ended up crying when I showered him with a bucket... :roll:
I am not saying your kids are dull, but maybe your parents find it difficult to relate to a generation of kids who are constantly wired to a screen... I certainly do
I am not sure. You have no chance.
My dad makes a real effort with my kids but you can see my mum is totally uninterested. That is her choice and I have no issue with it.
They are a joy, but they are bleepin' hard work. It is lovely to see them develop and grow, each time they have changed and moved on in many different ways. But it is full on during the day, they take all of our attention, bedtime (about 20 mins ago) comes as a relief.
When it's your children you are younger and either more able to or just do cope better. As my stepdaughter is on her own, full respect to her for the good job she is doing bringing them up singlehanded.
Is individual's choice to interact or not with their grandchildren. Maybe some individuals don't want the hard work, done that, someone else's turn. Downside of that is they miss out on so much. Daytime TV or twins TV? For us, twins every time.
Now where's my beer?
While I agree maybe it is a tough situation to be in. However they don't volunteer to look after them or let us have a lie in. You decided to have kids, why should they do this if they don't want to?
Myself and my partner have no kids and no zero desire to ever have any. My sister has 4. My mum looked after my father for 4 years due to several strokes. Alongside this she continued to spend a lot of time running round after my sister and her kids.
When he passed, she retired from work slightly after this. After a chat with her, she wanted to scale back the child duties. This didn't go down well with my sister and it caused friction. My mother has earned her rest and why should she spend it running round after the kids even more if she doesn't want to?
Simple answer is she shouldn't. She is now being more 'selfish' and enjoying what she wants. For the record she still does see and help an awful lot. But it is the same context. Or there is an underlying issue you have mentioned or talked about?
My point is, if you have kids then be prepared to look after them yourselves and not rely on others. See the help as a bonus.
Much in the same way myself and my other half don't expect anyone to pay our mortgage, car payment or help/assist with the other things we can do consequently as a result of not having any children.
As for the person who said anyone who cannot engage with toddlers has issues. What a load of garbage. I don't have issues, I just don't very much want or have a paternal instinct toward toddlers and children as a whole.
Just trying to get people to see it from the other side. Upshot is either they have issues with you for some reason, as a lot of family's do. Or they simply just do not want to.
We do remind our parents that it's their choice to look after him (one day a week each - although I doubt they'd really mind if it was more) and if they feel they can't or don't want to then it's our problem.
For my in-laws it's the only grandchild they see regularly - the others live away and visit rarely, in-laws are not that mobile. They love having our son around and I think it helps keep them more active.
For my parents - he's the last of 6 - 3 they don't see much of due to distance - from our perspective it seemed to take a while for them to engage with him and we've "had a conversation" - I/we want them to be grandparents doing fun stuff - I don't want them to be surrogate parents as they seemed to become with 2 granddaughters - although he will need some discipline.
I'd hate for our parents not to want to engage with our son - how could you explain that to him in a way that doesn't make him feel bad? Even if you've got a mobility challenged parent, they can still engage mentally - making up stories, reading books, drawing - anything really - kids thrive on stimulation.
We've had 1 night without our son in the 2 years - it's hard work - we'd love the grandparents to take him even just for a night - we drop hints, but they need to offer as it's quite a commitment - even for just one night! (although, sods law says the night they have him, he'll go to bed nicely, sleep through and wake up late ...)
My gf's parents live 45 miles away, and her father is currently going through Chemo treatment, and her mother is not terrifically able, with two damaged shoulders, so again we don't expect much of them, if anything really, but they love to spend time with her whenever they can.
Occasionally my gf will ask them to look after her for an afternoon, or collect her from pre-school, but it's perhaps 3-4 times a year at most - and now whilst her father is busy fighting cancer, probably not at all for the foreseeable future.
Some people also end up being parents to young children for something like 40 years - I know a lady who has a 21 year old daughter, and then younger children who are 10 & 6 - so she will have had it non stop for circa 35 years IF they move out!
I can well see how people might want a rest from it, having been there and done it to the nth degree, so I would never expect either set of parents to have a big interest in them - the fact that they do, is great because they want to, and it's rewarding for all parties, but it's a nice bonus.
If we need someone to babysit, we either pay our regular childminder, who iss very good, or occasionally we might ask family or friends. I would rather pay someone personally, as I feel more comfortable doing it that way than relying on someone's generosity.
I appreciate this jacks up the cost of an evening out (We went to a gig last Friday in London which cost £60 for the childminder) but for me, that is the choice you make when you decided to have children.
As an aside on the fact some people have children of vastly different ages, I also have two friends who were part of those family setups, ie they were mid to late teens when mum popped another one out, and they love their siblings dearly, but ended up bringing them up to some degree, and both of those people (females) have decided not to have children.
And when asked, I think as they experienced it first hand, and almost felt like they had done it, they have made a conscious choice - could just be a coincidence of course, but struck me as a curious one.
Marin Palisades Trail 91 and 06
Scott CR1 SL 12
Cannondale Synapse Adventure 15 & 16 Di2
Scott Foil 18