The Battle of Brandon

FishFish

Obviously I cannot tell you where I live because I used to be a secret agent or astronaut or something like that but in front of my house there is an open area with trees - there are three trees there. And the leaves have fallen off.

I understand that the maintenance of the open bits is down to Suffolk CC (dammit - should not have said Suffolk) but I had nothing to do yesterday so I swept them up and arranged them nicely under each of the trees. At which point an angry woman with an arrs the size of a bath came storming over to me and protested that I '....should not be doing that...' I explained to batharse that I was' uncaring of rules, conventions and laws and it was the right thing to do - so I did it - I swept up the leaves and it looks nice!' Clearly she is a professor of phillosophy at Cambridge U (don't forget that Cambridge is near to a lot of places not just Brandon - where I don't live) and so her powers of argument and logic are as wide as her bath sized bottom and she hit me with the killer statement '..its against Health and Safety...'

Being conscientious and positively disposed to health and safety I had prepared a Health and Safety Assessment on the basis that the Brandon - not Brandon - Town Council would turn up to berate me. It was in my pocket so I explained to the pig that I had assessed the dangers and here it is.....

'Health - no disease or etiological agents.
Safety - no swamps, wild animals, trees in good condition, no loose boughels ..(last word was an attempt to be funny - pun on 'Bough' and loose bowell - sometimes you have to explain these things.)
Main Danger - some unhelpful bureaucratic busybody boring me into unconsciousness with petty officiousness'

She read it and went red - fuming with anger and hatred and waving her finger at me and stormed off, batharse eclipsing the sun and ringing in my ears - her promise - ' I'm going to call the police'.

So here I am, not in Brandon, awaiting the arrival of the SWAT team and a life in SuperMax.

BTW - I don't know what 'etiologic agents' are but they used to be on the list of forbidden stuff written on a flight boarding pass - so vitally useful in H&S assessments.

Crazyjenkins01

Thanks Fish, I needed a good laugh this morning!

fat daddy

I think I would be tempted to go back out and lay the leaves out so it spells a word.

Mind you if I were her, I think I would go out and mess all the leaves up again

rockmonkeysc

Have you ever fantasised about batharse twerking?

I'd have dumped the leaves on her lawn. I have a neighbour with an arse the size (and shape) of a 1987 Citroen AX. As an ex copper he also likes to tell people what to do. Since complaining about our cat leaving a mouse in his garden he was very confused by a dead badger in his garden a week later which I didn't pick up from the lane and throw over his back hedge.

FishFish

RockmonkeySC wrote:

Have you ever fantasised about batharse twerking?

I'd have dumped the leaves on her lawn. I have a neighbour with an ars* the size (and shape) of a 1987 Citroen AX. As an ex copper he also likes to tell people what to do. Since complaining about our cat leaving a mouse in his garden he was very confused by a dead badger in his garden a week later which I didn't pick up from the lane and throw over his back hedge.

She has an incredibly fit grandaughter who runs for Portsmouth 'University' but will be on the same buttock trajectory as the pig. Doing nothing with badgers resonates with me. Yesterday I got a squirrel trap because I don't like them. I've baited it with a seasonal mince pie and when I've 'humanely killed' the little Xmas Party goers then I'll relocate the carcasses to her bin and call the RSPCA and local primary school kids. What I mean is I won't. Obviously.

rockmonkeysc

And don't put cat food under her shrubs. That would attract rats, and you wouldn't want to do that to the poor old dear.

Giraffoto

Definitely don't chuck handfuls of breadcrumbs on any parked cars, either. You wouldn't want anyone to get their pride and joy covered in guano.

I used to enjoy sweeping all the leaves from my gardens, front and back, and leaving them in a huge pile at the end of the drive. I would do this just before the schools emptied so that passing children could jump in them, kick them all over the place, throw them at each other, and generally make them not my problem any more. I'd then go out, tut and shake my head as if I hadn't expected that to happen, and stick the remaining couple of handfuls in the bin.

thistle_

A couple of us often clear the top end of an overgrown footpath where it meets our road/track every now and then. This usually involves digging away the edge and putting the gravel/stones/mud back onto the track. If you've done any trail de-berming you'll know what I mean.

Often, the old lady who lives at the bottom of the footpath will come out and berate us for doing it because it lets the rain run onto the road by her house. She's been known to come back up and build a berm at the side of the road across the path (which we can kick down as we walk past ).